Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Carla:
Can you help me with co-parenting with a sociopath? Divorced three months ago, after a two-year fight for my rights. He is not complying as you know.
I am going crazy with the way he only shows his wonderful, smooth qualities to the children. I have three boys. I can’t stand sending them on weekends to a man who never calls them for two weeks and then lavishes them with charm and gifts. It makes me sick that I am struggling because he has not released even one of 26 accounts to me as decreed in the divorce settlement. He pays my bills and deducts them from the alimony. He follows the agreement under his own conditions and it confuses the attorneys. He won’t discuss the children with me or offer any assistance to them as a father. He is 100 percent focused on his new victim, his girlfriend, a new young, widow. Spending all the money he hid on her. But the kids have “buddy” to whisk them from one expensive activity to another while I am struggling to pay the bills.
I have greater anxiety now than when we were married. He openly emotionally abuses me. Before it was more covert and I got immune to the invalidation and blame. NOW I am discarded since I chose not to play by his rules of cheating, drugs, gambling, lying, withholding sex. He isn’t nice to me at all. Cruel. It was easier being married. He did all these things and he kept me blinded by being secretive and giving me a high-income surgeon’s wife lifestyle. I know the secrets now along with my attorney but he looks perfect in the community.
I miss the financial security and vacations. Now someone else shares those things with him and all I did was give him three beautiful children to brag about and add to his narcissism.
I say terrible things about him to the two older children, ages 6 and 13. I tell them how he is not following the agreement, lying and spending money on drugs and women.
Is so frustrating. I see what is real but no one else does. I am afraid my children are going to prefer him (and his girlfriend) because he is so charming and generous and I know he is pathological and I can’t give them the expensive gifts and ultra stimulating activities.
How do you deal with the frustration that you are the only person who knows someone is a sociopath? I had to live 15 years with him to figure it out and go through four therapists until the last one nailed him as anti-social/schizoid personality disordered. Then I validated her “diagnosis” with Lovefraud. He has all the signs with a very high IQ and status of a medical professional to hide behind. Will anyone else ever figure it out? I don’t believe that what comes around goes around when it comes to a sociopath as intellectually clever as my ex-husband. I do have a few very perspective people who picked up on it. I don’t think my kids will ever see it and I think he will destroy me even post-divorce. Why is he so relentless? He has his freedom and his money. Why not leave me alone? Is it because I get one-third of his income in alimony?
After the divorce
Probably the most shocking thing about divorcing a sociopath is that even when it’s over, it’s not over. The attorneys have argued, the court has ruled, this is how it’s going to be—and it’s not. The sociopath doesn’t comply, twists things the way he or she wants them, uses children against the other parent, and no one seems to care.
This leaves the non-sociopathic partner—like Carla—angry with the sociopath, frustrated that he’s getting away with his lies and manipulation, and upset that he won’t do what he’s supposed to do, baffled that no one else sees the truth—all while still mourning the life she thought she had. Carla wants her ex to pay her what he’s supposed to and be a dad to their children. He’s not doing either, so she wants other people to know that behind his charming, successful veneer, he’s vile.
It’s a toxic brew of emotions. But the emotions will never affect the sociopath. They will only affect Carla, and possibly her children.
It seems to me that Carla needs to be able to separate what’s going on into four categories: financial considerations, the children, dealing with the ex and her emotional recovery.
Financial considerations
First of all, Carla needs to get her financial situation straightened out. If her ex is supposed to give her 26 accounts, she needs to get that enforced—soon, before the accounts are empty. I hope her attorneys put a time limit on when these accounts are supposed to be turned over, and specified exactly how much money she is supposed to receive. If not, she is in trouble.
Carla cannot allow her ex-husband to pay her bills. By letting him do this, she is allowing him to control her. He is deducting the money from her alimony? He is probably exaggerating the amount of the bills just to pay her less. Plus, he may decide to stop paying the bills, and she would never know it—until the cable service or electric is turned off. Carla must demand that she receive the full alimony, then get her bills in her own name.
Carla did not mention a house and mortgage. If the sociopath’s name is on the house or mortgage, that is a disaster waiting to happen. He may stop paying the mortgage and allow the house to slip into foreclosure. He wouldn’t care, but Carla would have no place to live.
The children
Carla complained that her ex won’t discuss the children with her and won’t offer any assistance as a father. He doesn’t call them during the week and only wants to play with them on his weekends. I’d recommend that Carla use this to her advantage.
Here is the bottom line: Sociopaths are terrible parents. At best, they view children as prized possession. At worst, they actively try to corrupt the children. Therefore, the less interaction a sociopath has with his or her children, the better.
Carla should actually be grateful that her ex is staying out of their children’s lives as much as he is. She should use her time with the children to shower them with love, nurture them and provide them with healthy guidance. None of that will happen when the boys are with their father. The kids will eventually sense that there is no real bond with the father. As time goes on, they may also witness him moving from girlfriend to girlfriend, and eventually start rolling their eyes at yet another one.
Carla needs to be their rock of stability. She also needs to stop badmouthing the father—even if he deserves it. This is important for two reasons. First is the emotional health of the children—they should not feel in the middle of her issues with the ex. Second, she does not want to give her ex the ammunition to come after her with a parental alienation lawsuit, in which she could lose custody of the boys.
Her best plan of action is the stay neutral about the father. One mother’s standard response whenever her children brought home news of the ex was a noncommittal, “That’s nice.”
Kids are smart. Sooner or later, they will realize that the sociopath cares only about himself.
Dealing with the ex
Carla asks, “Why is he so relentless? Why not leave me alone?”
Divorcing a sociopath is not like divorcing a relatively healthy person that you’ve just grown away from. In a normal divorce, mommy and daddy don’t want to be together anymore, but they can cooperate for the sake of the kids. This is not going to happen with a sociopath.
Sociopaths only want three things: Power, control and sex. Carla and the surgeon have divorced, but that doesn’t mean he has given up his desire for power and control.
Carla says her ex-husband is openly abusing her. She must eliminate his opportunities to do this and go No Contact with this man as much as possible. I don’t know if she is allowing him into her home, but she shouldn’t. The child exchange should be arranged to minimize interaction. Any communications regarding the children should be conducted via e-mail. Phone conversations give him opportunities to abuse her.
The key is for Carla to be strictly business. She must recognize that the sociopath will not play nice. He will do everything possible to avoid paying her. He will continue to manipulate her through the children. She must learn not to react when he baits her. She must learn to be calm and collected, yet make him toe the line on his court-ordered obligations.
Emotional recovery
All of this is pretty raw for Carla right now—the divorce was only three months ago. She is outraged. She is frustrated. Carla misses the status, money, vacations and cozy lifestyle of a surgeon’s wife. She is justifiably angry that he cheated and hid money, and probably still reeling from being devalued and discarded.
Realizing that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath has probably rocked Carla to the core. Nothing was real. Everything was a lie. And plenty of people in the community still believe the lie. This is a massive shock, and it takes time to come to terms with the magnitude of the deception.
Recovery is a process, and there is a lot of information here on the Lovefraud blog that may help Carla:
- She must realize that the ex is a sociopath, and this is the way he lives his life. Nothing she did or didn’t do would make any difference.
- She must realize that she was targeted, probably because of her good qualities.
- She must allow herself to feel her anger, disappointment, grief and even hatred—and then let it all go.
This will take time, and will probably come in waves—a wave of emotion, followed by a wave of calm. Eventually the emotional periods will be shorter, the calm periods will be longer.
Carla is in for many years of aggravation with this man. She needs to get to a point of equanimity, where his antics no longer affect her. When she gets there, no matter what the guy does, Carla wins.
Escapee,
You reached me. I am glad I read your post before going to bed. I WILL use that mantra. I waste so much time on the phone with friends telling my story, trying to convince others of the lies and how “I wasn’t in it.” So I shouldn’t kick myself for being naive. I should be grateful I wasn’t in it – I wasn’t the mistress, I never took the drugs and I have always been able to feel other’s pain, be unselfish, be sorry and learn from my mistakes.
I do know the truth. I need enough confidence to believe myself. I don’t believe his old lies but I slip into believing the new ones until I have evidence. Despite the alarming characteristic, consistently, that he is a S – I sometimes wonder if I am imagining or overreacting by labeling him. Even though several therapists, with and without working with him, said he was a S/N.
The 3 ways they quantify others spoke to my life. That is exactly was I was on a daily basis. And he didn’t discard me whenI was in the way -he just got me out of the way – pregnancy (and pregnancy sickness) and new babies always did the trick, sending me on vacations making it look like he was doing it for me, creating distractions with expensive gifts. When I asked for the separation thenIwas no longer useful and I was in the way. Bingo. Complete disposal. 100% gone. He was always gone emotionally and physically (sexually) despite me being an attractive women ( I got carded today and I am 43!). He disposed of me by cutting me off from any communication after he left our house “this isn’t marriage counseling anymore” and never calls or comes around. Unless, his family came into town and since he lied about our separation- he’d move right back in and we’d create the illusion for the family. His plan was to blame me for an affair. If he told anyone when we separate only 3 months after the baby was born – noone would have believed him. I was breastfeeding, leaking, juggling a 5 and 10 yr old, exhausted.
I spent most of my days IRRELEVANT for 16 years. That’s why I thought he loved me. I was just right. He never complained and couldn’t name a thing for me to change even when I offered. I was ignored everyday unless it was a holiday or we were packing for vacation or at at fancy social event BEFORE he got drunk. I would look lovely, dance, socialize and have fun. I was irrelevant because we’d go home and I’d sleep alone. And we’d never discuss anything about vacations or events unless he repeated over and over how someone told him”your the best doctor” Or “best father” etc.
Those three ways I was quanitified will bring me healing.When I think of the past – I will categorize it into one of the three and it will take emotion away. Its so LOGICAL! And it will help me communicate with the kids -a factual, psychological observation for his actions or lack of action.
Thank you so much!
One time someone said “He didn’t love you, He loved the IDEA of you. The illusion. The idea of me was sometimes useful, sometimes irrelevant and sometimes in the way but he never connected with me.
I struggle with knowing I was not loved when I thought he adored me but only capable by gifts not words. Like the 5 languages of love. That book reinforced that he loved me – gift giving was his strongest language of love.
Does anyone have trouble believing or imaging that someone loves you when they really do? I find now that I can’t imagine that my kids love me, the man I date really loves me or my family. I don’t feel loveable. My kids shower me with affection and “I love yous” out of the blue. My 6 yr old constantly tells me he loves me. Now I feel like he is going to be the sociopath. My ex S said it all the time and I am afraid he is going to be a manipulator. So sad when developmental normal pattern remind me of pathological behavior.
I feel loved by the man I date when I am with him bc he is thankfully gifted in geniune expressive and relevant communication/affection. Very sweet authentic man. But when I am not with him, I sometimes can’t imagine that he loves me. I guess I feel like when anyone is away they might be doing something secretive. I haven’t lived with and have very limited contact with my ex S for over 2 years. But healing is a process not an event and I can’t wait until I am “healed” to date. I take it slowly and I have lots of time alone to work on myself but I do believe that the companionship and friendship with a healthy man is a great healing tool. Great for comparison. I forgot how it was supposed to be.
Carla, I was in your shoes. I am in your shoes. The man who said he loved and adored me “more than his own life and more than his own son”, later called me an illusion. It’s hard to believe that you are real to everyone else, yet perceived as an illusion by the one you chose to spend your life with. After much reflection, I decided that even though I am now and Temporarily a victim and have to come to terms with this status, I am not going to let it ruin the rest of my life. As difficult as it is for me to trust others, it is no longer about “who loves me”. My P convinced me that he was the one who truly cared. Unwittingly, he built up my self – esteem. I “knew” he loved me and I benefited tremendously from that knowledge. Now that I know the love was fake, I wonder what it is that built my self – esteem. And – I come to realization that it was me all along. Sure, we want to be loved, liked, etc. but the love and acceptance has to come from within. I have become a softer person, I have become a more determined one. One thing for sure, I don’t think we need others’ love and approval, for what you crave the most must be found within. During these times, I find myself much more content knowing that I have lived through the ultimate betrayal, that I am living through the ultimate betrayal. And the gift he gave to me unwittingly shall never be taken away: I know I deserved the words he said, and I trust that even though he did not really feel them, the message his words conveyed settled deep within me. Hope, it makes sense: i.e. a psychopath who built one’s integrity and self – assurance up, instead of breaking it down.
I can relate to this so well. It’s so sad because now the Sociopaths are trying to ruin our children’s lives and not just our lives. I feel powerless. I always picture myself as a “Mama Bear”, ready to pounce on the Lion that is constantly trying to snare my cub. It’s exhausting to protect my son from this man and he’s only a baby. I have a whole lifetime of this to look forward to.
He doesn’t even love him. The only time he actually spent with his son, he was complaining about him the whole time and saying, “he shouldn’t have been born”. Then, in court, he tried to make himself look like a loving father that is being denied the right to be a father by me. He had the money for an expensive attorney and he has the high-powered job with all of the prestige, so the judge fell for his crap.
I just realized all of my posts are so negative. I’m sorry. I’m just in the middle of this and am really having a difficult time processing all of this pain.
Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories. It makes me feel less alone.
Kathleen:
Something you said really hit me. I realized that I’m still letting what my ex did to me effect how I view myself. My self-esteem is still shattered. I used to have so much confidence, in all aspects. Not anymore. I need to work on this and I know it. I’m letting him win by letting his devestation continue. It’s easier said than done though. I’m just having such a difficult time getting past this. What is my problem?
I think some others are more articulate than I am about that jillsmith, but it IS hard. I’ve had two years of no contact, I run an international company, and he brought me to my knees. My confidence level still isn’t up there. But gradually I’m beginning to see him as an event that happened, but is over with, and that will most likely never happen again because my guard is up. And I’ve grown.
You still have to have contact, so it makes it harder, much harder, but you CAN do it! You’ve recognized what he is. That took me forever!
Plus I’m OLDER. Almost 60 now. You are learning all this at a much younger age. That is inspiring!!!! I’ve had a full life, done a lot of different things, but I sure wish I had realized all this back when I was a young woman.
We have much to learn from kids. Mine think of him as pathetic, do not want his name mentioned, stop me if I fall into self – pity or questions that cannot be answered. They regard him as an IT, no more and their attitude toward him is like that of an attitude toward a fly. I am amazed at their resilience and the fact that they are able to process what happened, despite their young age, with appropriateness and self – awareness. When I cry, they remind me that it was not just me who had gone through it all. I think all of us here to one degree or another, experienced enmeshment. When someone says they are looking for their “second half” or “found their second half” I want to run. I am a whole, and I learned this by a hard lesson. They do not define who we are. These relationships do not define who we are. Sometimes, I think I am too addicted to this website, but the support is great. Thank you, Donna.
JAH:
I had a GF that has known me since 16, she told me for ten years…
Don’t you want to get out while your still young? He’s not going to change.
Then it turned into, you know your going to be 35, then 40 then 50….60 and your still going to be in the same position.
Get out while you have a chance at another life.
So I finally got out at 39…. I didn’t quite make 40. THANK GOD! I knew deep in my heart that she was right all along. And her comments weighed on me. Which was a good thing. I needed to hear that. She so knew the situation….she was so right on.
I will give myself the time to heal and find the balance between not trusting men and opening myself up. I would like a nice guy some day…..I would like a ‘worthy’ person to spend my time with. And I am still young enough to find that love if it was meant for me.
I did get asked out at the court the other day!!! Shocked the heck out of me! AND he was kinda cute!
We will see………..
Ginger…..I am in the exact same situation as you. My oldest son is 12 and all of a sudden he is telling me he wants to live with his dad more. My daughter is 10 and is starting to say ttoo, but is not as convincing. It’s a horrible feeling because I know he doesn’t really want them, he just doesn’t want me to have them and he doesn’t want to pay child support anymore…..more overnights for him = less pay to me. I actually believe that a guardian is my best defense. I have been saving emails and documenting everything that has seemed amiss for the past 2 years. I have access to his facebook via a friend and I copy and paste comments and photos that may be helpful in showing his character. I just feel that if I can prove he does what is beneficial to him over what is best for the children then maybe I have a case.
I know he is brainwashing them to hate me. When they come back from his house, it takes 1 -2 days until they act somewhat normal. It is absolutely exhausting. I’m always trying to stay one step ahead of him, I can’t let my guard down for an instant. I live in constant fear of losing my children and I live in constant heartache that they have such animosity towards me.
I have done nothing wrong…..taken the high road in every situation…it is so unfair. I hate every minute of it, but I would be doing an incredible injustice to my children if I just gave up and handed them over. He’s wearing me out and that’s his plan….I’m so sad.