Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Carla:
Can you help me with co-parenting with a sociopath? Divorced three months ago, after a two-year fight for my rights. He is not complying as you know.
I am going crazy with the way he only shows his wonderful, smooth qualities to the children. I have three boys. I can’t stand sending them on weekends to a man who never calls them for two weeks and then lavishes them with charm and gifts. It makes me sick that I am struggling because he has not released even one of 26 accounts to me as decreed in the divorce settlement. He pays my bills and deducts them from the alimony. He follows the agreement under his own conditions and it confuses the attorneys. He won’t discuss the children with me or offer any assistance to them as a father. He is 100 percent focused on his new victim, his girlfriend, a new young, widow. Spending all the money he hid on her. But the kids have “buddy” to whisk them from one expensive activity to another while I am struggling to pay the bills.
I have greater anxiety now than when we were married. He openly emotionally abuses me. Before it was more covert and I got immune to the invalidation and blame. NOW I am discarded since I chose not to play by his rules of cheating, drugs, gambling, lying, withholding sex. He isn’t nice to me at all. Cruel. It was easier being married. He did all these things and he kept me blinded by being secretive and giving me a high-income surgeon’s wife lifestyle. I know the secrets now along with my attorney but he looks perfect in the community.
I miss the financial security and vacations. Now someone else shares those things with him and all I did was give him three beautiful children to brag about and add to his narcissism.
I say terrible things about him to the two older children, ages 6 and 13. I tell them how he is not following the agreement, lying and spending money on drugs and women.
Is so frustrating. I see what is real but no one else does. I am afraid my children are going to prefer him (and his girlfriend) because he is so charming and generous and I know he is pathological and I can’t give them the expensive gifts and ultra stimulating activities.
How do you deal with the frustration that you are the only person who knows someone is a sociopath? I had to live 15 years with him to figure it out and go through four therapists until the last one nailed him as anti-social/schizoid personality disordered. Then I validated her “diagnosis” with Lovefraud. He has all the signs with a very high IQ and status of a medical professional to hide behind. Will anyone else ever figure it out? I don’t believe that what comes around goes around when it comes to a sociopath as intellectually clever as my ex-husband. I do have a few very perspective people who picked up on it. I don’t think my kids will ever see it and I think he will destroy me even post-divorce. Why is he so relentless? He has his freedom and his money. Why not leave me alone? Is it because I get one-third of his income in alimony?
After the divorce
Probably the most shocking thing about divorcing a sociopath is that even when it’s over, it’s not over. The attorneys have argued, the court has ruled, this is how it’s going to be—and it’s not. The sociopath doesn’t comply, twists things the way he or she wants them, uses children against the other parent, and no one seems to care.
This leaves the non-sociopathic partner—like Carla—angry with the sociopath, frustrated that he’s getting away with his lies and manipulation, and upset that he won’t do what he’s supposed to do, baffled that no one else sees the truth—all while still mourning the life she thought she had. Carla wants her ex to pay her what he’s supposed to and be a dad to their children. He’s not doing either, so she wants other people to know that behind his charming, successful veneer, he’s vile.
It’s a toxic brew of emotions. But the emotions will never affect the sociopath. They will only affect Carla, and possibly her children.
It seems to me that Carla needs to be able to separate what’s going on into four categories: financial considerations, the children, dealing with the ex and her emotional recovery.
Financial considerations
First of all, Carla needs to get her financial situation straightened out. If her ex is supposed to give her 26 accounts, she needs to get that enforced—soon, before the accounts are empty. I hope her attorneys put a time limit on when these accounts are supposed to be turned over, and specified exactly how much money she is supposed to receive. If not, she is in trouble.
Carla cannot allow her ex-husband to pay her bills. By letting him do this, she is allowing him to control her. He is deducting the money from her alimony? He is probably exaggerating the amount of the bills just to pay her less. Plus, he may decide to stop paying the bills, and she would never know it—until the cable service or electric is turned off. Carla must demand that she receive the full alimony, then get her bills in her own name.
Carla did not mention a house and mortgage. If the sociopath’s name is on the house or mortgage, that is a disaster waiting to happen. He may stop paying the mortgage and allow the house to slip into foreclosure. He wouldn’t care, but Carla would have no place to live.
The children
Carla complained that her ex won’t discuss the children with her and won’t offer any assistance as a father. He doesn’t call them during the week and only wants to play with them on his weekends. I’d recommend that Carla use this to her advantage.
Here is the bottom line: Sociopaths are terrible parents. At best, they view children as prized possession. At worst, they actively try to corrupt the children. Therefore, the less interaction a sociopath has with his or her children, the better.
Carla should actually be grateful that her ex is staying out of their children’s lives as much as he is. She should use her time with the children to shower them with love, nurture them and provide them with healthy guidance. None of that will happen when the boys are with their father. The kids will eventually sense that there is no real bond with the father. As time goes on, they may also witness him moving from girlfriend to girlfriend, and eventually start rolling their eyes at yet another one.
Carla needs to be their rock of stability. She also needs to stop badmouthing the father—even if he deserves it. This is important for two reasons. First is the emotional health of the children—they should not feel in the middle of her issues with the ex. Second, she does not want to give her ex the ammunition to come after her with a parental alienation lawsuit, in which she could lose custody of the boys.
Her best plan of action is the stay neutral about the father. One mother’s standard response whenever her children brought home news of the ex was a noncommittal, “That’s nice.”
Kids are smart. Sooner or later, they will realize that the sociopath cares only about himself.
Dealing with the ex
Carla asks, “Why is he so relentless? Why not leave me alone?”
Divorcing a sociopath is not like divorcing a relatively healthy person that you’ve just grown away from. In a normal divorce, mommy and daddy don’t want to be together anymore, but they can cooperate for the sake of the kids. This is not going to happen with a sociopath.
Sociopaths only want three things: Power, control and sex. Carla and the surgeon have divorced, but that doesn’t mean he has given up his desire for power and control.
Carla says her ex-husband is openly abusing her. She must eliminate his opportunities to do this and go No Contact with this man as much as possible. I don’t know if she is allowing him into her home, but she shouldn’t. The child exchange should be arranged to minimize interaction. Any communications regarding the children should be conducted via e-mail. Phone conversations give him opportunities to abuse her.
The key is for Carla to be strictly business. She must recognize that the sociopath will not play nice. He will do everything possible to avoid paying her. He will continue to manipulate her through the children. She must learn not to react when he baits her. She must learn to be calm and collected, yet make him toe the line on his court-ordered obligations.
Emotional recovery
All of this is pretty raw for Carla right now—the divorce was only three months ago. She is outraged. She is frustrated. Carla misses the status, money, vacations and cozy lifestyle of a surgeon’s wife. She is justifiably angry that he cheated and hid money, and probably still reeling from being devalued and discarded.
Realizing that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath has probably rocked Carla to the core. Nothing was real. Everything was a lie. And plenty of people in the community still believe the lie. This is a massive shock, and it takes time to come to terms with the magnitude of the deception.
Recovery is a process, and there is a lot of information here on the Lovefraud blog that may help Carla:
- She must realize that the ex is a sociopath, and this is the way he lives his life. Nothing she did or didn’t do would make any difference.
- She must realize that she was targeted, probably because of her good qualities.
- She must allow herself to feel her anger, disappointment, grief and even hatred—and then let it all go.
This will take time, and will probably come in waves—a wave of emotion, followed by a wave of calm. Eventually the emotional periods will be shorter, the calm periods will be longer.
Carla is in for many years of aggravation with this man. She needs to get to a point of equanimity, where his antics no longer affect her. When she gets there, no matter what the guy does, Carla wins.
Jillsmith:
10 tactics for child custody battles with sociopaths
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/05/05/10-tactics-for-child-custody-battles-with-sociopaths/
Thank you , Donna.
to anyone!!
what is the point of asking for suoervised visitation…when we all, know thw S will be on his best behavior during that time??? and then the child suffers once it changes?????????
endthepain,
ditto. I would think that at lease their children would have some important but seeing how my ex s/p did so much damage just by “not being there” having her two other children grow up living with her ex husband who I been told abused drugs. I received this post on one of my site which shows the damage done and the long term effects this can have on children: (edited version) Note to readers, D stopped all visits (she received only supervised visitation rights) with both of these two children when they were in their tender years and now both are adults.
(posted by current gf/wife? Of D’s ex husband)
“I know firsthand the effects of leaving her first two children has caused them and all around them. Her daughter now 21 1/2 and pregnant with her second child is her mother incarnate – only having seen her mother about four times in her life genetics sure messed her up – the daughter ACTS and LOOKS exactly like D, right down to the lying and strealing and using Crocodile tears and saying what you want to hear to make you happy at that moment. Now the daughter, the ONLY daughter born to D has tried to pass off her first son on the father of this second one (race being a factor here) – why would he complain he’s been getting what he wants! Sound familiar JIM? I was once told about the daughter do not believe anything that first comes out of her mouth it will be a lie – and if that wasn’t the truth. The daughter Demands attention – even over her son – she has said OUTLOUD after everyone would coo about her son WHAT ABOUT ME, WHAT ABOUT R——? Now getting pregnant again, she is getting attention – but what happens when this one is born? For the past 6 1/2 years I have had to watch this female in action – getting attention – and nothing ever her fault – lying, stealing, SLEEPING around for heroin – habitual runinng away – to ruin our holiday, birthday, anniversary, anything that wasn’t about HER. Now as for D’s firstborn a son – A major alcoholic 23 1/2 years old – big on buying his friends getting his attention by buying it – and drinking it – and again nothing is his fault – always around guys but for the one female to fake his sexuality – he hates females – only nice when he needs something like to borrow a car. NOW JIM, remember when we took D to court to get the child support that was NEVER paid, Dorothy being pregnant and YOU making smart a– little man that you are, comments? Do you really believe that last child is YOURS? You still haven’t learned anything. What poor you? You allowed your children to go through this HELL, why didn’t you get out like the first one did? 17 years and you are bitchin? Little, little man – yes, D is like a head taller than you. To think you left your first wife because she got pregnant and you didn’t want any children – what have you done to that child? You make me sick.”
http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/02/does-drama-ever-end.html
D walked away from these two when they needed her the most when both were just babies!!!!!!
How many more of them have done just that and after the child is grown and all the “real hard work has been done” return and try too reconnect with these children?
I know my own mother tried (reconnect) this BS with me telling me: “oh, you father was this _____ and that ______”
“oh I was afraid he was going to hurt me”. Huh??? and you left 5 children in his care and he is an abusive alcoholic _______ ???
Well I could go on but I sure you see my point..
But, in terms of supervised visits, is there ever such a thing as Permanent supervised visits, regardless of model behavior? I think James said what I was already thinking: if they are given rules they cannot bend, it may be such a blow to their fragile ego, that they would leave and not come back. Watching my not yet two year old flirting like an adult with women at supermarket was not at all cute, it was disgusting. Since then, he won’t know if a man or a woman passes by. If they stop him, he’d say polite hello and run off. But, what damage am I to expect when he’s around his evil father? I am feeling pretty powerless right now. Hope he reads this and goes away. OK, he won. I am powerless, I am done with him, I will never speak to him and never see him and never ask anything of him, just so he’d leave me and my family alone. You think it’ll work? haha 🙁
James,
What you said frightens me. It’s sad that she turned out just like her mother, even though she was only around her mother a few times. I know that I’m not SUPPOSED to look for any signs of my ex-husband, who was diagnosed with Anti-social Personality Disorder by his Psychiatrist. I’m supposed to know that he is an innocent soul, with no capabilities of evil. I do know that he is an innoecent 15 month-old and do know that he has a very sweet side to his personality. I have always been soft-spoken and care very deeply about people. My mom said that it was my strongest trait, even as a young child. So, I have to remember that my son has my genetics, not just my ex’s genetics. However, all of that being said, I have never met a toddler like my son. I have many nieces and nephews, and have worked as a nanny, as well as at a daycare and summer camp for kids for many summers. I know children aand I know children pretty well. I prepared for being a mother for a long time. I longed to be a mother and was finally able to become one in my mid-thirties. After all of this preparation and exposure to children, I have never met a child like mine. He has a side to his personality that frightens me. I don want to get into the specifics, because it makes me feel bad for even thinking this about him and talking about it, because I know that he’s an innocent baby. I know that I just need to keep doing everything I can to make up for his DNA, but I constantly feel like I’m trying to keep his nature at bay. Juxtaposed with his very sweet side is a side that I have never seen in a child, let alone a baby and he has shown this angry side almost from the start. I have never yelled at him and never been anything but gentle and kind and I’m his only caregiver, yet, he shows many sides of his dad’s personality with his rage and temper. I don’t know how such a young child can have so much rage. I feel like I have been dealing with a child in his “terrible twos” since he was a tiny baby. I never talk to anyone about this and it doeesn’t have an effect upon how much I love him and how I treat him, but it makes me wonder how much I’ll really be able to do to counteract what is in his biological makeup. It scares me. All I can do is always show him my unconditional love and keep treating him and others with kindness, to show him how healthy individuals with empathy interact with the world. I can only hope he gets it in the end, but I’m still scared of his nature and how he might turn out in th end. I can’t worry about it now, but every once in awhile, when he’s in the middle of a temper tantrum that seems to come from nowhere (and he’s over 8 months away from even being 2), I wonder if I will be able to over-compensate for his DNA.
JillSmith,
I just read your post from the 22nd. This is so discouraging to me: the one source of discouragement is that I seem to not be able to convey the meaning of what I say adequately. I did not disagree with anything you said, I only am holding on to threads of hope that my child will not grow up to be a P. Reading about your ex, I see that trying to supplement anti-social activities with risk taking socially acceptable ones while raring the child may not work. It is what I thought may be best if one is growing up with “so called excessive need for stimulation”. Of course, Freud did not write about psychopaths (not sure on that one) but in his theory the more aggressive ones who choose socially acceptable behaviors become an asset to society rather than the criminals. For instance, I am thinking that if I were to notice something that would resemble his father, I’d send my son to a military school or all boys private school, and / or encourage him to be a surgeon, so that he can learn to bring about good and deal with “boredom”. But, whom am I kidding? His father was KICKED out of all boys Catholic School for fighting by his own admission. Reading all these posts, I often think about Oxy and I pray that I would never have to go through the agony she’s gone through. My son came into this world at extremely high emotional costs and my X knows this. That’s why I am being punished now with him going after the things that matter to me the most. I am only trying to think up ways to make my son strong and loving as opposed to strong and heartless. (hope I did all right this time with my clarification, not disagreeing with you at all) – I just left this for you at another post. I essentially have your fears. I am noticing things that are different: some are great different and some are not so good and both scare me. My baby is totally FEARLESS and I don’t think it’s healthy. I try to not scare him but teach caution, on the other hand, so much of our behavior is fear driven (when most see police they slow down, even if driving in OK speed). Figure that may help?
Sharks circle their prey for a long time before striking. Crocodiles watch the pattern of the human for weeks before they try and have a go. Parasites and rats just knaw away forever.
I think i’m chickening out.
These people were killed for being witnessess. Now they want me to be a witness.
I understand completely jillsmith about worrying if a child will also become like a s/p due to the genes being pass along to future generations. I think this is where Liane Leedom M.D. book “Just like his Father” would help us to understand more about this issues. Maybe if we see the early signs we can help nurture and education the child to become not like his father/mother. This is a reason that if I can get young people to understand that is you had a child with someone that suffer from a PD (Personality Disorder) you run a higher risk of the child also inheriting some of these genes introduces by the other parent. But we need more study into this area concerning genes and the environment, maybe just maybe the factor is low. I hope so….
After learning about the gene factor vs. environmental factors I started looking for any sighs or red flag. Because both boys are still young (one 15 the other 18) I will just watch and see what happens. But yes, jimmsmith scary indeed! One other thing jillsmith is I did meet D’s daughter once at age 17 and I agree with the poster that she is very much like her mother in many aspects of her personality. Obviously genes do play a part in this disorder. I read that people who suffer from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorders) have a long history of family members that suffer from the disorder as well.