Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Carla:
Can you help me with co-parenting with a sociopath? Divorced three months ago, after a two-year fight for my rights. He is not complying as you know.
I am going crazy with the way he only shows his wonderful, smooth qualities to the children. I have three boys. I can’t stand sending them on weekends to a man who never calls them for two weeks and then lavishes them with charm and gifts. It makes me sick that I am struggling because he has not released even one of 26 accounts to me as decreed in the divorce settlement. He pays my bills and deducts them from the alimony. He follows the agreement under his own conditions and it confuses the attorneys. He won’t discuss the children with me or offer any assistance to them as a father. He is 100 percent focused on his new victim, his girlfriend, a new young, widow. Spending all the money he hid on her. But the kids have “buddy” to whisk them from one expensive activity to another while I am struggling to pay the bills.
I have greater anxiety now than when we were married. He openly emotionally abuses me. Before it was more covert and I got immune to the invalidation and blame. NOW I am discarded since I chose not to play by his rules of cheating, drugs, gambling, lying, withholding sex. He isn’t nice to me at all. Cruel. It was easier being married. He did all these things and he kept me blinded by being secretive and giving me a high-income surgeon’s wife lifestyle. I know the secrets now along with my attorney but he looks perfect in the community.
I miss the financial security and vacations. Now someone else shares those things with him and all I did was give him three beautiful children to brag about and add to his narcissism.
I say terrible things about him to the two older children, ages 6 and 13. I tell them how he is not following the agreement, lying and spending money on drugs and women.
Is so frustrating. I see what is real but no one else does. I am afraid my children are going to prefer him (and his girlfriend) because he is so charming and generous and I know he is pathological and I can’t give them the expensive gifts and ultra stimulating activities.
How do you deal with the frustration that you are the only person who knows someone is a sociopath? I had to live 15 years with him to figure it out and go through four therapists until the last one nailed him as anti-social/schizoid personality disordered. Then I validated her “diagnosis” with Lovefraud. He has all the signs with a very high IQ and status of a medical professional to hide behind. Will anyone else ever figure it out? I don’t believe that what comes around goes around when it comes to a sociopath as intellectually clever as my ex-husband. I do have a few very perspective people who picked up on it. I don’t think my kids will ever see it and I think he will destroy me even post-divorce. Why is he so relentless? He has his freedom and his money. Why not leave me alone? Is it because I get one-third of his income in alimony?
After the divorce
Probably the most shocking thing about divorcing a sociopath is that even when it’s over, it’s not over. The attorneys have argued, the court has ruled, this is how it’s going to be—and it’s not. The sociopath doesn’t comply, twists things the way he or she wants them, uses children against the other parent, and no one seems to care.
This leaves the non-sociopathic partner—like Carla—angry with the sociopath, frustrated that he’s getting away with his lies and manipulation, and upset that he won’t do what he’s supposed to do, baffled that no one else sees the truth—all while still mourning the life she thought she had. Carla wants her ex to pay her what he’s supposed to and be a dad to their children. He’s not doing either, so she wants other people to know that behind his charming, successful veneer, he’s vile.
It’s a toxic brew of emotions. But the emotions will never affect the sociopath. They will only affect Carla, and possibly her children.
It seems to me that Carla needs to be able to separate what’s going on into four categories: financial considerations, the children, dealing with the ex and her emotional recovery.
Financial considerations
First of all, Carla needs to get her financial situation straightened out. If her ex is supposed to give her 26 accounts, she needs to get that enforced—soon, before the accounts are empty. I hope her attorneys put a time limit on when these accounts are supposed to be turned over, and specified exactly how much money she is supposed to receive. If not, she is in trouble.
Carla cannot allow her ex-husband to pay her bills. By letting him do this, she is allowing him to control her. He is deducting the money from her alimony? He is probably exaggerating the amount of the bills just to pay her less. Plus, he may decide to stop paying the bills, and she would never know it—until the cable service or electric is turned off. Carla must demand that she receive the full alimony, then get her bills in her own name.
Carla did not mention a house and mortgage. If the sociopath’s name is on the house or mortgage, that is a disaster waiting to happen. He may stop paying the mortgage and allow the house to slip into foreclosure. He wouldn’t care, but Carla would have no place to live.
The children
Carla complained that her ex won’t discuss the children with her and won’t offer any assistance as a father. He doesn’t call them during the week and only wants to play with them on his weekends. I’d recommend that Carla use this to her advantage.
Here is the bottom line: Sociopaths are terrible parents. At best, they view children as prized possession. At worst, they actively try to corrupt the children. Therefore, the less interaction a sociopath has with his or her children, the better.
Carla should actually be grateful that her ex is staying out of their children’s lives as much as he is. She should use her time with the children to shower them with love, nurture them and provide them with healthy guidance. None of that will happen when the boys are with their father. The kids will eventually sense that there is no real bond with the father. As time goes on, they may also witness him moving from girlfriend to girlfriend, and eventually start rolling their eyes at yet another one.
Carla needs to be their rock of stability. She also needs to stop badmouthing the father—even if he deserves it. This is important for two reasons. First is the emotional health of the children—they should not feel in the middle of her issues with the ex. Second, she does not want to give her ex the ammunition to come after her with a parental alienation lawsuit, in which she could lose custody of the boys.
Her best plan of action is the stay neutral about the father. One mother’s standard response whenever her children brought home news of the ex was a noncommittal, “That’s nice.”
Kids are smart. Sooner or later, they will realize that the sociopath cares only about himself.
Dealing with the ex
Carla asks, “Why is he so relentless? Why not leave me alone?”
Divorcing a sociopath is not like divorcing a relatively healthy person that you’ve just grown away from. In a normal divorce, mommy and daddy don’t want to be together anymore, but they can cooperate for the sake of the kids. This is not going to happen with a sociopath.
Sociopaths only want three things: Power, control and sex. Carla and the surgeon have divorced, but that doesn’t mean he has given up his desire for power and control.
Carla says her ex-husband is openly abusing her. She must eliminate his opportunities to do this and go No Contact with this man as much as possible. I don’t know if she is allowing him into her home, but she shouldn’t. The child exchange should be arranged to minimize interaction. Any communications regarding the children should be conducted via e-mail. Phone conversations give him opportunities to abuse her.
The key is for Carla to be strictly business. She must recognize that the sociopath will not play nice. He will do everything possible to avoid paying her. He will continue to manipulate her through the children. She must learn not to react when he baits her. She must learn to be calm and collected, yet make him toe the line on his court-ordered obligations.
Emotional recovery
All of this is pretty raw for Carla right now—the divorce was only three months ago. She is outraged. She is frustrated. Carla misses the status, money, vacations and cozy lifestyle of a surgeon’s wife. She is justifiably angry that he cheated and hid money, and probably still reeling from being devalued and discarded.
Realizing that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath has probably rocked Carla to the core. Nothing was real. Everything was a lie. And plenty of people in the community still believe the lie. This is a massive shock, and it takes time to come to terms with the magnitude of the deception.
Recovery is a process, and there is a lot of information here on the Lovefraud blog that may help Carla:
- She must realize that the ex is a sociopath, and this is the way he lives his life. Nothing she did or didn’t do would make any difference.
- She must realize that she was targeted, probably because of her good qualities.
- She must allow herself to feel her anger, disappointment, grief and even hatred—and then let it all go.
This will take time, and will probably come in waves—a wave of emotion, followed by a wave of calm. Eventually the emotional periods will be shorter, the calm periods will be longer.
Carla is in for many years of aggravation with this man. She needs to get to a point of equanimity, where his antics no longer affect her. When she gets there, no matter what the guy does, Carla wins.
ANewLily,
I’m not certain about this, but I think there is a way to block inquiries on your credit score. If you call TransUnion, they can talk with you about it. I had to put a fraud alert on my credit information, and at the same time, I stopped credit solicitations. They were able to block people from downloading my credit information. I don’t know if they can go so far as to block access to the simple credit score, but it might be worth talking to them about it.
Kathy
Dear Carla,
When you demonstrate that you’re getting your life back, people will really respect you.
I’ve got a girlfriend who went into court to get her kid’s father to pay another 15 dollars a month. She ended up chatting with the judge about her college courses and upcoming college graduation. The judge ruled in her favor practically as an afterthought, and all but ignored her ex.
The drama of their separation was long past. He’d demonstrated that he was a deadbeat, she’d pulled herself together.
If your ex won’t let you touch any assets, you’re broke enough for financial aid to go to school. If he will hand over your money, you can spend it to go to school.
Get on with your life, and people will see you in a new light.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/06/30/AR2007063000890.html
This is something to check into.
http://consumerist.com/consumer/identity-theft/how-to-freeze-your-credit-report-319352.php
Yep, it’s perfectly do-able. If you want his sorry nose out of your business, freeze your credit report for a while.
Usually the S gets bored after a while. So after you’ve bored him to tears for a few years, you can unfreeze your credit reports if you want.
http://www.identitytheft.info/creditfreeze.aspx?gclid=CLCVx5DSjJsCFeFM5QodXEZupg
This is a pretty concise explanation.
I am trying another attorney. I never hear from him. He wrote a letter instead of filing a motion for contempt. I wish my S would not pay at all. Instead, the deductions do equal the bills. Part of his mastery in control is to fool everyone by bending the rules in his favor instead of being clearly wrong. My therapist called it “minimally meeting my needs to maximally meet his own selfish needs, be secretive and not get caught. I am afraid the judge won’t see him paying the bills as a “gift” and consider it a fair contribution. There wasn’t any deadlnes for the account transfers. My attorney did prefer, at the end, Kurt’s charming controlled demeaner over my fearful,complaining.
As for the children, how do I reverse what I have already said? Do I just stop trying to educate them about him? I would say “prized possession” is the most accurate description. THat is why I was fooled. It feels wonderful to be a prized possession and I know the children love it too.
The response to my attorney’s letter was filled with convincing lies that I cannot refute with evidence. He seems so reasonable, wanting to buy more time. Its only been 3 months but I know that he is going to be irresponsible for a long time. I’ll be without life insurance until he gets around to it. After the letter he started some minimal changes – applied for life insurance policy, but not enough – cashed in one account but never gave me a statement. The attorney sees it as good faith effort. Do other sociopaths do this? Give just enough to keep everyone thinking they are legitimate until the radar goes down and more time passes?
Also, life seems so dull. I pursued him for so long. Loved him so much and can’t stand that someone else is with the father of my children who has completely abandoned me and is so smug. He is incredbily kind to me in front of people and lies about how I can use the boat, celebrate the kids birthdays with him, go on vacation with the family. But he doesn’t follow through and says its because I am too mental to handle those benefits. I wonder if anyone could ever be so exciting. I feel like his love and security was like a drug. It was effortless. He wanted nothing from me – he had his life (women, drugs, mismanagment of money and gambling) and he only wanted a presentable social wife and a mom for his kids. But I got all the perks, the vacations, financial security without ever having a relationship to work on. It was really easy until I decided to fish for information. Then I wanted it to change and when he found out I knew about his lifestyle, he dropped me like I was nothing.
I guess I will have to use my funds, until he find a way to amend the alimony, to get back to work after 19 years. I dread it. I guess I loved being home with my kids so much I was willing to endure great neglect. My problems now seem so much worse than before. Living the lie was easier. I feel like I need to become a legal assistant to get through the next 16 yrs co-parenting with him.
All of you suggestions, reminders and non-negotiable boundaries are what I need to put into action. Thank you.
ANewLily:
What you need to put on all three of your credit reports is a “security freeze”. This locks down all your reports on a permanent basis as opposed to a “fraud alert” which is only good for 90 days. With the security freeze Experian, Transunion and Equifax each give you a secret pass code. The only way they can release information is with your explicit authorization and pass code. YOu then tell them exactly who they are authorized to release the information to and for how long the security freeze is to be lifted in order for them to do so (no longer than 30 days).
I had to do this with my S. He had my social security number, and to say he was financially irresponsible (if it is possible to have a negative FICO score, he’s got one) would be the understatement of the century. By locking down my credit reports I’ve ensured that he cannot go and open up anything in my name.
Matt,
I hope you don’t mind me asking a question. Mine is a gigolo. Once I diagnosed him (being an LCSW I can and knew all the markers once I talked to his daughter), I began a very massive campaign to “get him straight” which was the worst thing I could possibly do (no, he did not go to psychiatrist/counselor/ alcohol treatment). Instead, having showed little interest in our boy and having refused to see him under my supervision (or that of a family member) he suddenly decided to file Joint Custody Suit. I feel like I am battling not him, but his current girlfriend since she is probably financing the whole bit. I make decent money and he does not have a penny to his name. His longest relationship was around 7 years, while his legal marriages last till they are replaced with another legal marriage. What is my legal recourse? I do fear harm because he’s told me he’s killed before. And – I can’t become psychopathic, I am becoming more hysterical. Ideas?
KATYA:
My first question: what formal, legal agreements, signed off on by the court, do you have in place with your child’s father? The big 3 should be: (1) support; (2) visitation; and (3) custody. If you don’t have these 3 in place, you need to get them into place because otherwise you have no leverage over S.
Second: Assuming you have these 3 agreements in place, have you been keeping a documented track record of his failure to pay support on time, failure to comply with visitation, etc? If you don’t, you must start keeping them. No oral conversations. Email at a minimum, certified letter so much the better.
Third: Don’t confuse joint custody with what your real objective should be which is physical custody. Most courts are reluctant to terminate parental rights until there is ample evidence that such rights should be terminated. Sometimes you are better off conceding on joint custody, but you get sole physical custody. This, in essence, means you more or less get some control over the situation.
Fourth: As hard as it is, you’ve got to turn off your emotions regarding this creature and focus on what you want to accomplish.
Fifth: Take a look at the questions I raised in 1-3 and get back to me with the information and I may be able to give you a little more clarity. As I said, a lot of this is going to hinge on what actions you have taken to date.
Dear Carla,
You were right to end your marriage when you found out about the serial infidelities, gambling and drug abuse.
STDs know no class distinctions. He was endangering your health, potentially even your life. The gambling endangered your financial security and the drug abuse brought criminal activity close to you and your kids.
Don’t look back.
“He is incredbily kind to me in front of people and lies about how I can use the boat, celebrate the kids birthdays with him, go on vacation with the family.”
You’d have to be mental to consider those things benefits.
But he doesn’t follow through and says its because I am too mental to handle those benefits.”
Too sane is more like it.!
Listen Sweetie, he’s a loon! It’s laughable, when you think about it. Of course you don’t want to play “happy family” with a promiscuous, drug abusing deadbeat!
His silly little headgames aren’t going to bother you as much after you get some perspective…
and no, no one is ever going to be that “exciting” again.
Thank God!
Seriously Carla: life can be very good without a sociopath in your life.