Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Carla:
Can you help me with co-parenting with a sociopath? Divorced three months ago, after a two-year fight for my rights. He is not complying as you know.
I am going crazy with the way he only shows his wonderful, smooth qualities to the children. I have three boys. I can’t stand sending them on weekends to a man who never calls them for two weeks and then lavishes them with charm and gifts. It makes me sick that I am struggling because he has not released even one of 26 accounts to me as decreed in the divorce settlement. He pays my bills and deducts them from the alimony. He follows the agreement under his own conditions and it confuses the attorneys. He won’t discuss the children with me or offer any assistance to them as a father. He is 100 percent focused on his new victim, his girlfriend, a new young, widow. Spending all the money he hid on her. But the kids have “buddy” to whisk them from one expensive activity to another while I am struggling to pay the bills.
I have greater anxiety now than when we were married. He openly emotionally abuses me. Before it was more covert and I got immune to the invalidation and blame. NOW I am discarded since I chose not to play by his rules of cheating, drugs, gambling, lying, withholding sex. He isn’t nice to me at all. Cruel. It was easier being married. He did all these things and he kept me blinded by being secretive and giving me a high-income surgeon’s wife lifestyle. I know the secrets now along with my attorney but he looks perfect in the community.
I miss the financial security and vacations. Now someone else shares those things with him and all I did was give him three beautiful children to brag about and add to his narcissism.
I say terrible things about him to the two older children, ages 6 and 13. I tell them how he is not following the agreement, lying and spending money on drugs and women.
Is so frustrating. I see what is real but no one else does. I am afraid my children are going to prefer him (and his girlfriend) because he is so charming and generous and I know he is pathological and I can’t give them the expensive gifts and ultra stimulating activities.
How do you deal with the frustration that you are the only person who knows someone is a sociopath? I had to live 15 years with him to figure it out and go through four therapists until the last one nailed him as anti-social/schizoid personality disordered. Then I validated her “diagnosis” with Lovefraud. He has all the signs with a very high IQ and status of a medical professional to hide behind. Will anyone else ever figure it out? I don’t believe that what comes around goes around when it comes to a sociopath as intellectually clever as my ex-husband. I do have a few very perspective people who picked up on it. I don’t think my kids will ever see it and I think he will destroy me even post-divorce. Why is he so relentless? He has his freedom and his money. Why not leave me alone? Is it because I get one-third of his income in alimony?
After the divorce
Probably the most shocking thing about divorcing a sociopath is that even when it’s over, it’s not over. The attorneys have argued, the court has ruled, this is how it’s going to be—and it’s not. The sociopath doesn’t comply, twists things the way he or she wants them, uses children against the other parent, and no one seems to care.
This leaves the non-sociopathic partner—like Carla—angry with the sociopath, frustrated that he’s getting away with his lies and manipulation, and upset that he won’t do what he’s supposed to do, baffled that no one else sees the truth—all while still mourning the life she thought she had. Carla wants her ex to pay her what he’s supposed to and be a dad to their children. He’s not doing either, so she wants other people to know that behind his charming, successful veneer, he’s vile.
It’s a toxic brew of emotions. But the emotions will never affect the sociopath. They will only affect Carla, and possibly her children.
It seems to me that Carla needs to be able to separate what’s going on into four categories: financial considerations, the children, dealing with the ex and her emotional recovery.
Financial considerations
First of all, Carla needs to get her financial situation straightened out. If her ex is supposed to give her 26 accounts, she needs to get that enforced—soon, before the accounts are empty. I hope her attorneys put a time limit on when these accounts are supposed to be turned over, and specified exactly how much money she is supposed to receive. If not, she is in trouble.
Carla cannot allow her ex-husband to pay her bills. By letting him do this, she is allowing him to control her. He is deducting the money from her alimony? He is probably exaggerating the amount of the bills just to pay her less. Plus, he may decide to stop paying the bills, and she would never know it—until the cable service or electric is turned off. Carla must demand that she receive the full alimony, then get her bills in her own name.
Carla did not mention a house and mortgage. If the sociopath’s name is on the house or mortgage, that is a disaster waiting to happen. He may stop paying the mortgage and allow the house to slip into foreclosure. He wouldn’t care, but Carla would have no place to live.
The children
Carla complained that her ex won’t discuss the children with her and won’t offer any assistance as a father. He doesn’t call them during the week and only wants to play with them on his weekends. I’d recommend that Carla use this to her advantage.
Here is the bottom line: Sociopaths are terrible parents. At best, they view children as prized possession. At worst, they actively try to corrupt the children. Therefore, the less interaction a sociopath has with his or her children, the better.
Carla should actually be grateful that her ex is staying out of their children’s lives as much as he is. She should use her time with the children to shower them with love, nurture them and provide them with healthy guidance. None of that will happen when the boys are with their father. The kids will eventually sense that there is no real bond with the father. As time goes on, they may also witness him moving from girlfriend to girlfriend, and eventually start rolling their eyes at yet another one.
Carla needs to be their rock of stability. She also needs to stop badmouthing the father—even if he deserves it. This is important for two reasons. First is the emotional health of the children—they should not feel in the middle of her issues with the ex. Second, she does not want to give her ex the ammunition to come after her with a parental alienation lawsuit, in which she could lose custody of the boys.
Her best plan of action is the stay neutral about the father. One mother’s standard response whenever her children brought home news of the ex was a noncommittal, “That’s nice.”
Kids are smart. Sooner or later, they will realize that the sociopath cares only about himself.
Dealing with the ex
Carla asks, “Why is he so relentless? Why not leave me alone?”
Divorcing a sociopath is not like divorcing a relatively healthy person that you’ve just grown away from. In a normal divorce, mommy and daddy don’t want to be together anymore, but they can cooperate for the sake of the kids. This is not going to happen with a sociopath.
Sociopaths only want three things: Power, control and sex. Carla and the surgeon have divorced, but that doesn’t mean he has given up his desire for power and control.
Carla says her ex-husband is openly abusing her. She must eliminate his opportunities to do this and go No Contact with this man as much as possible. I don’t know if she is allowing him into her home, but she shouldn’t. The child exchange should be arranged to minimize interaction. Any communications regarding the children should be conducted via e-mail. Phone conversations give him opportunities to abuse her.
The key is for Carla to be strictly business. She must recognize that the sociopath will not play nice. He will do everything possible to avoid paying her. He will continue to manipulate her through the children. She must learn not to react when he baits her. She must learn to be calm and collected, yet make him toe the line on his court-ordered obligations.
Emotional recovery
All of this is pretty raw for Carla right now—the divorce was only three months ago. She is outraged. She is frustrated. Carla misses the status, money, vacations and cozy lifestyle of a surgeon’s wife. She is justifiably angry that he cheated and hid money, and probably still reeling from being devalued and discarded.
Realizing that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath has probably rocked Carla to the core. Nothing was real. Everything was a lie. And plenty of people in the community still believe the lie. This is a massive shock, and it takes time to come to terms with the magnitude of the deception.
Recovery is a process, and there is a lot of information here on the Lovefraud blog that may help Carla:
- She must realize that the ex is a sociopath, and this is the way he lives his life. Nothing she did or didn’t do would make any difference.
- She must realize that she was targeted, probably because of her good qualities.
- She must allow herself to feel her anger, disappointment, grief and even hatred—and then let it all go.
This will take time, and will probably come in waves—a wave of emotion, followed by a wave of calm. Eventually the emotional periods will be shorter, the calm periods will be longer.
Carla is in for many years of aggravation with this man. She needs to get to a point of equanimity, where his antics no longer affect her. When she gets there, no matter what the guy does, Carla wins.
I recently received my P’s cross motion for custody.
He is asking t hat we both be screened by a forensic psychologist.
I am a healthy individual who has taken anti-depressants during the darker shorter winter months, and have only seen a psychologist during pregnancy to monitor in case I may have post-pardom depression. I didn’t, so I discontinued the therapy.
I only re-entered therapy after my P began inappropriate contact with OW as he said I was over reacting.
Now I am in therapy for obvious reasons.
The papers do not indicate why they are requesting this, but I fear as I have learned on your site that he will look great to the psychologist as Ps are convincing liars.
P is also asking for primary custody… I don’ thave much more to say, but I am scared.
I am scared for DS. I suppose I am over-reacting. I don’t want XP to control via DS or ruin DS emotionally/psychologically or make DS turn on me.
Obviously my x has not been diagnosed but he fits ALL the qualities including becoming the victim on our 1st date where he told me about his child abuse and how his 1st wife cheated on him and how bad his parents were. I then fell in love with him within 4 weeks.
My question is: Do ALL sociopaths hang on to their child and forever control them or their ex’s through the child? Everyone who doesn’t understand my situation says he’ll lose interest and eventually become a dead beat dad. Is there any hope of this happening?
Also. I have a good psychotherapist, but are there support groups you would recomend for people like me?
STBXP is still going for primary custody and lying in everyway possible to make me look awful.
I got a hold of his ex GF before me. The maintained a PA while we were engaged. She was pregnant with HIS baby and miscarried just 4 months before OUR wedding. She says she always wanted to tell me but was affraid he’d make her life miserable, that she slept with him when I would go away to visit my parents. That she felt bad but she was still caught in his manipulations and secretly hoped I’d catch him cheating as he had cheated on her.
She also stated that she contacted her, asking to meet her and told her he was getting a D and that he married me to help get over her. (She laughed at that).
All this while STBXP is WITH the OW Just this past May!!!
I am with you, Banana. I have yet to look into Victim’s support groups. Al Anon would be another venue. But, one thing I hope for is that you and I will see truth prevail. How did you get his ex to talk to you? I am finding that they are in fear or have been brainwashed.
Let me tell you this only, a good psych eval includes FAMILY history. To the extent that yours meets the criteria, you should document each pathology. APD can only be diagnosed by interviews of family members, etc. Not all APDs will show up on the Psychopath test, but history speaks for itself. So, you will have your day, just trust that G-d is on our side and that others will see through the lies. Also, consider if money is involved. are you going to have to pay child support if he gets full custody? will he not have to pay alimony if he gets the child? I have learned on this site that much of their behaviors are driven by $$$. Hope, others would agree with me. Hang in there, I am scared right along with you.
I tend to agree with the money thing, however his OW is loaded and he’s using her for the money.
He cannot save a dime, so any money I could not take from him would be gone anyway.
I have heard that there is a mathmatical way to diagnose.
I just don’t know why he’d think he could prove something with me. Depression is only a maybe for me as my first psych said I wasn’t and that is my general diagnosis for the therapy I’m receiving b/c of the Affair. I am a very healthy and stable individual. He said he’s trying to prove that I am fighting for my son for my own emotional gain.
I’m really torn…
My S thinks that the two kid’s need to be picked up from the train station in a few hours from a weekend trip that doesn’t end for another 24hrs. That means the S will have to wait in the train station for a full day before they actually arrive. The S asked me this morning if I was going to pick them up tonight and I said no. It was the truth, I wasn’t going to pick them up tonight. I was going to pick them up tomorrow night. The S just wanted to use it as a control thing, If I picked them up I was a lackey and if I refused I was selfish and not carrying my parental responsibilities in fair measure. It doesn’t really matter that I made the trip to get them there in the first place. It’s a good 1hr trip one way. Should I say something?
Although my ex husband is not an S, he’s definitely an ass. He is very Narcissistic, but does not really meet the criteria for a personality disorder: just thinks of himself first. And second. And third.
I am glad to see that my kids are able to see right through him. It upsets them though and they value me as a mother much higher. The problem is, his credibility with them and authority are gone, evaporated. And I wish I could rely on his support with discipline from time to time. So, there are two sides to each coin. Can you send him a text or a short e-mail?
What was I thinking?
My S spouse knew exactly when the kids were coming on the train.
The whole idea was to convince me that they were arriving a day early and con me into picking them up on the wrong day. The way I know is that the S never got in the car and never asked about picking them up (on the wrong day of course). Just goes to show you that they are devious and deceptive beyond belief. Never assume anything they say is true and that things are what they appear, especially if they are working in your favor.
Anybody feel the need to give back to society?
I really wish I could educate more people about these P’s.
Geez, even when I talk to my SIL she looks at me like I have two heads. I think there are just so many of us out there that believe there is good in everyone and that men like the BTK killer are few and far between.
My STBXP was so sly. We were going to church, he even told his mistress we were trying to be abstinent until marriage and used it as an excuse to sleep with her.
She said he sounded better since attending church, but I thin he was learning to use it (as they say they do from therapy) to manipulate people.
And it pisses me off BTW that P’s mom, who KNOWS he is a user and a manipulator is falling for his BS again. She states in her affidavit that it would be best for our son to have both parents in his life!!!! She has said time and again how he used to come home and ignore our son to play PS3, and she wishes our son could talk and tell her what P is doing to him….
She is listening to P’s BS because he told her she’d never see her grandson if I get primary custody!!!!
She is putting her needs above our son!!!!!
Dear Banana,
Yes, many victims when they have realized what they are dealing with have felt the need to “give back.” Donna, who started this site is one of those people who has massively given back.
Unfortunately, many people unless they have dealt with apsychopath or any other kind of “disordered” person think (primarily I thhink because of the skewed media presentations) that ALL psychopaths are like BTK or Ted Bundy or even Scot Peterson. In truth, few psychopaths are like that, most pass themselves off as policemen, teachers, doctors, lawyers or some other “valuable” member of society and keep their evil intentions masked behind a public display of Kindness and caring. It is difficult to make people who believe “there is good, deep down in everyone” to see the TRUTH that there are people who APPEAR just like everyone else who are in fact, EVIL. Look at John Wayne Gacy, who appeared to be such a “nice guy” and clowned for kids—all the wile he was murdering them. The psychopath’s ability to MASK themselves is very high, even though most of them do not go to the extremes of violence that BTK and Gacy did.
Educating the public (even one person at a time) is a difficult thing, but I applaud you for wanting to do so. You might also guide people here to LF so that they can read for themselves.
Don’t be discouraged if most people don’t believe you, though. Unless they have seen and felt the FIRE it is not easy for them to imagine the pain of the BURNS.
Oh, Banana,
I know how you feel because my ex S mother still is in denial regarding her son. She has smartened up just a bit, but will take him back in a heart beat. I keep telling her that when he wants to use her again he will be back. She knows I am the better parent to care for her grandkids, but when push comes to shove she will ultimately side with her S son–blood is thicker than water. What really gets me, is that I am her line to her grandkids as her S son doesn’t talk to her. I don’t want my kids’ relationship with her to suffer so I keep the line open with her. It is hard, but I need to put my kids ahead of my anger, bitterness or whatever you call it. Those still in denial will still believe the S.
S are able to morph into whomever they need to be to get what they want. I looked at my S the other day and thought he doesn’t look like an S who lies, cheats, steals. They don’t wear orange jumpsuits or have something on their head saying who they are.
My ex was a police officer who did some pretty messed up things, but it did catch up to him when he resigned (before they fired him) because he stole money. Yes, the all righteous one. Having a thankless job providing law and order, but not practicing what he preaches and abusing his power. Did you know that laws or rules are not meant to be followed by S?
He is married now to someone that reminds me of me when I met him. Trusting, in love, and naive. I want to tell her everything I have learned in the last year (I can’t believe it has only been about 13 months since he was first labeled a S to me), but just like Jack Nicholson said in A Few Good Men “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” If she is still in the chaos, she can’t handle it. When she is ready and asks, then she may be ready. My family knows that he is an S and is receptive. I keep my eyes open in various situations and see more and more narcissists and sociopaths. I steer clear of them! I hope I have learned my lessons!