Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Carla:
Can you help me with co-parenting with a sociopath? Divorced three months ago, after a two-year fight for my rights. He is not complying as you know.
I am going crazy with the way he only shows his wonderful, smooth qualities to the children. I have three boys. I can’t stand sending them on weekends to a man who never calls them for two weeks and then lavishes them with charm and gifts. It makes me sick that I am struggling because he has not released even one of 26 accounts to me as decreed in the divorce settlement. He pays my bills and deducts them from the alimony. He follows the agreement under his own conditions and it confuses the attorneys. He won’t discuss the children with me or offer any assistance to them as a father. He is 100 percent focused on his new victim, his girlfriend, a new young, widow. Spending all the money he hid on her. But the kids have “buddy” to whisk them from one expensive activity to another while I am struggling to pay the bills.
I have greater anxiety now than when we were married. He openly emotionally abuses me. Before it was more covert and I got immune to the invalidation and blame. NOW I am discarded since I chose not to play by his rules of cheating, drugs, gambling, lying, withholding sex. He isn’t nice to me at all. Cruel. It was easier being married. He did all these things and he kept me blinded by being secretive and giving me a high-income surgeon’s wife lifestyle. I know the secrets now along with my attorney but he looks perfect in the community.
I miss the financial security and vacations. Now someone else shares those things with him and all I did was give him three beautiful children to brag about and add to his narcissism.
I say terrible things about him to the two older children, ages 6 and 13. I tell them how he is not following the agreement, lying and spending money on drugs and women.
Is so frustrating. I see what is real but no one else does. I am afraid my children are going to prefer him (and his girlfriend) because he is so charming and generous and I know he is pathological and I can’t give them the expensive gifts and ultra stimulating activities.
How do you deal with the frustration that you are the only person who knows someone is a sociopath? I had to live 15 years with him to figure it out and go through four therapists until the last one nailed him as anti-social/schizoid personality disordered. Then I validated her “diagnosis” with Lovefraud. He has all the signs with a very high IQ and status of a medical professional to hide behind. Will anyone else ever figure it out? I don’t believe that what comes around goes around when it comes to a sociopath as intellectually clever as my ex-husband. I do have a few very perspective people who picked up on it. I don’t think my kids will ever see it and I think he will destroy me even post-divorce. Why is he so relentless? He has his freedom and his money. Why not leave me alone? Is it because I get one-third of his income in alimony?
After the divorce
Probably the most shocking thing about divorcing a sociopath is that even when it’s over, it’s not over. The attorneys have argued, the court has ruled, this is how it’s going to be—and it’s not. The sociopath doesn’t comply, twists things the way he or she wants them, uses children against the other parent, and no one seems to care.
This leaves the non-sociopathic partner—like Carla—angry with the sociopath, frustrated that he’s getting away with his lies and manipulation, and upset that he won’t do what he’s supposed to do, baffled that no one else sees the truth—all while still mourning the life she thought she had. Carla wants her ex to pay her what he’s supposed to and be a dad to their children. He’s not doing either, so she wants other people to know that behind his charming, successful veneer, he’s vile.
It’s a toxic brew of emotions. But the emotions will never affect the sociopath. They will only affect Carla, and possibly her children.
It seems to me that Carla needs to be able to separate what’s going on into four categories: financial considerations, the children, dealing with the ex and her emotional recovery.
Financial considerations
First of all, Carla needs to get her financial situation straightened out. If her ex is supposed to give her 26 accounts, she needs to get that enforced—soon, before the accounts are empty. I hope her attorneys put a time limit on when these accounts are supposed to be turned over, and specified exactly how much money she is supposed to receive. If not, she is in trouble.
Carla cannot allow her ex-husband to pay her bills. By letting him do this, she is allowing him to control her. He is deducting the money from her alimony? He is probably exaggerating the amount of the bills just to pay her less. Plus, he may decide to stop paying the bills, and she would never know it—until the cable service or electric is turned off. Carla must demand that she receive the full alimony, then get her bills in her own name.
Carla did not mention a house and mortgage. If the sociopath’s name is on the house or mortgage, that is a disaster waiting to happen. He may stop paying the mortgage and allow the house to slip into foreclosure. He wouldn’t care, but Carla would have no place to live.
The children
Carla complained that her ex won’t discuss the children with her and won’t offer any assistance as a father. He doesn’t call them during the week and only wants to play with them on his weekends. I’d recommend that Carla use this to her advantage.
Here is the bottom line: Sociopaths are terrible parents. At best, they view children as prized possession. At worst, they actively try to corrupt the children. Therefore, the less interaction a sociopath has with his or her children, the better.
Carla should actually be grateful that her ex is staying out of their children’s lives as much as he is. She should use her time with the children to shower them with love, nurture them and provide them with healthy guidance. None of that will happen when the boys are with their father. The kids will eventually sense that there is no real bond with the father. As time goes on, they may also witness him moving from girlfriend to girlfriend, and eventually start rolling their eyes at yet another one.
Carla needs to be their rock of stability. She also needs to stop badmouthing the father—even if he deserves it. This is important for two reasons. First is the emotional health of the children—they should not feel in the middle of her issues with the ex. Second, she does not want to give her ex the ammunition to come after her with a parental alienation lawsuit, in which she could lose custody of the boys.
Her best plan of action is the stay neutral about the father. One mother’s standard response whenever her children brought home news of the ex was a noncommittal, “That’s nice.”
Kids are smart. Sooner or later, they will realize that the sociopath cares only about himself.
Dealing with the ex
Carla asks, “Why is he so relentless? Why not leave me alone?”
Divorcing a sociopath is not like divorcing a relatively healthy person that you’ve just grown away from. In a normal divorce, mommy and daddy don’t want to be together anymore, but they can cooperate for the sake of the kids. This is not going to happen with a sociopath.
Sociopaths only want three things: Power, control and sex. Carla and the surgeon have divorced, but that doesn’t mean he has given up his desire for power and control.
Carla says her ex-husband is openly abusing her. She must eliminate his opportunities to do this and go No Contact with this man as much as possible. I don’t know if she is allowing him into her home, but she shouldn’t. The child exchange should be arranged to minimize interaction. Any communications regarding the children should be conducted via e-mail. Phone conversations give him opportunities to abuse her.
The key is for Carla to be strictly business. She must recognize that the sociopath will not play nice. He will do everything possible to avoid paying her. He will continue to manipulate her through the children. She must learn not to react when he baits her. She must learn to be calm and collected, yet make him toe the line on his court-ordered obligations.
Emotional recovery
All of this is pretty raw for Carla right now—the divorce was only three months ago. She is outraged. She is frustrated. Carla misses the status, money, vacations and cozy lifestyle of a surgeon’s wife. She is justifiably angry that he cheated and hid money, and probably still reeling from being devalued and discarded.
Realizing that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath has probably rocked Carla to the core. Nothing was real. Everything was a lie. And plenty of people in the community still believe the lie. This is a massive shock, and it takes time to come to terms with the magnitude of the deception.
Recovery is a process, and there is a lot of information here on the Lovefraud blog that may help Carla:
- She must realize that the ex is a sociopath, and this is the way he lives his life. Nothing she did or didn’t do would make any difference.
- She must realize that she was targeted, probably because of her good qualities.
- She must allow herself to feel her anger, disappointment, grief and even hatred—and then let it all go.
This will take time, and will probably come in waves—a wave of emotion, followed by a wave of calm. Eventually the emotional periods will be shorter, the calm periods will be longer.
Carla is in for many years of aggravation with this man. She needs to get to a point of equanimity, where his antics no longer affect her. When she gets there, no matter what the guy does, Carla wins.
My family also whole heartedly believes he is a predator.
I am disappointed in MIL cuz she told me for years how manipulative my STBXP/S is, she said he’s a liar a user. Our stories of what happened when I wasn’t around never lined up.
She’d say how he “yelled” at her and I would defend him…He never raised his voice around me.
She, up until he was served was on my side. Was always there throughout the A while he was living with OW.
In the day he was served she told me he said she’d never see her grandson again. Funny because he has always told me she was not a fit parent. Blamed her for how awful his life was and did not want her negativity in our son’s life.
He promised me only months ago that she would not be our son’s childcare provider any longer.
It’s sad because when the dust settles she may only see our son when STBXP/S need her. he hates her.
Where as if she were filing affidavits for ME I would ensure she would see her grandson.
Endthepain,
I hope you are doing well. You have not posted for awhile and some of us (myself included) worry about you and how things turned out for you in the courts. I hope you are OK and reading these comments. A lot of things have happened since you’ve last posted. We are hoping to hear from you.
Good luck!
Spirit40 says: “…Got an A- and a B+ on my last two papers.”
You wrote this on Saturday, 11 July 2009 @....... 1:10pm and I just now saw it. Congratulations! This is superb news.
How are things going now? I hope even better than you could have expected.
What an accomplishment this was considering the stress you were under. Wow. You are awesome!
Endthepain, where are you? Like PInow, I am very eager to know how court turned out last Thursday. And how we can support you if it did not.
I hope you are just taking a temporary breather and that you will come back to post with renewed vigor.
Prayers and blessings to you!
Or was the court date last Tuesday? Gee, after yesterday, I am all confused. I don’t even know what day it is today.
Oh, yes, it is Friday, I had a doctor appointment this morning. Duh!
Can somebody help me…I am having trouble setting boundaries with my ex. No, I am not back together with him. We have been through court battles in regards to custody of our four year old son, who is medically fragile, and he had visitation suspended for a few months last year. Back to court and he started having visits, supervised by me, once a month. After showing up to several visits and doctor appointments I offered him over night, I was doing this because of my son’s connection with him, not the other way around. Then he started his old patterns, not showing, having numerous excuses, I let him get away with it once and again allowed overnights, but then he missed a special medical appointment for my son. I told him no more overnights, that we were going back to the court ordered visits, day visits Saturdays 10-3 and that he has to let me know two weeks in advance (per court order and my request) that he will be here. He did not call on Sat. or Sun, but Monday night for a visit two weeks from last Saturday. I know he is pushing the envelope, because his ex gfriend told me he used to wait until the last minute to call me.
Well, I emailed him and told him no visit, that he needs, as stated before let me know two weeks in advance.
Now I am scared, scared of his response. I just need to be strong, I know he is a drunk a gambler and continues to be abusive to other woman…… I am scared of what he will tell my son. I am scared he will show up, but have nothing (evidence wise) to present to the court to get another Restraining Order.
I hope I have done the right thing, sticking to making him call two weeks and not allowing him to waver.
I just need to know I am doing the right thing.
Dear Kimmy,
Every person on here that I know of advocates STICKING TO THE ABSOLUTE LETTER OF THE WRITTEN COURT ORDERS, never once vary from that. So sticking to the 10-3 supervised visits and two weeks notice in advance is the way to go if that is what is in the court orders.
IF YOU GIVE THEM AN INCH THEY WILL TAKE TEN MILES! They will inconvenience you as much as possible etc.
I think you realize by now that your X does not give a rat’s behind for your son, and as far as your son at this age needing him, your child will be better off I think without that evil influence in his life. Don’t believe a whining word your X says first off, about how he “loves” his son….it is a LIE. Psychopaths are not capable of love.
Don’t let him plug into your “guilt” or uncertainty, hang tough for your son’s sake. Raising any child by yourself is difficult, raising one that is medically unstable is another weight on top of raising any baby, so hang in there.
I think your e mail to him is the best way to communicate as you can SAVE the e mails (which are date stamped) to show that YOU are living up to the letter of the law. I advise to keep them SHORT, to the point, and don’t ever show anger etc. in the e mails. Just short and sweet, an dpiont out that the agreement is xyz. YOU CAN DO IT!!! (((hugs))))
ps–don’t worry about what might happen in the future, don’t brinig worry for tomorrow into today. Whatever he tells your son, you can counter. If he visits seldom especially, and for limited times, etc.
Would it be possible when he is there for you to be in the other room and still monitor the visit, so you don’t have to spend time with your X, OR better yet, is there someone else who could supervise the visit, so that you don’t have to have contact with him at all? A lot of times they use visitation as an excuse to get to you. If your son must have you there, maybe you could get someone to stay in the ROOM with your X and the baby, but you be in another room close by to be called if necessary.
If you can LIMIT THE AMOUNT OF TIME YOU have to spend with the jerk, I think that would be a good start. He doesn’t care about coming to spend time with a baby, it is spending time with YOU that I think he wants. Either to try to hook you back, or just to be nasty to you. ((((hugs)))) cut that “reward” off if you can.
Thank you so much OxDrover. I left my x almost four years ago, with each step, with each boundary I put up, I get stronger. I am taking your advice and at a safe pace am going to return to the court ordered visitation, I am never offering him anything again as I did when I offered him to spend more time with our son.
It is everything at his convenience, sadly.
Again, thank you.
Dear Kimmy, glad you are learning to set boundaries, and with the Ps they will NOT respect them ever, though they may pretend to, they are always trying to push them, put a foot over. If you stick to the LETTER of the “law” they will still push, but if you hold firm they may or may not even keep on visiting. As LITTLE contact as you can manage I would think the best, and as he will use the excuse of seeing your son to give you grief, if you can arrange to have him NOT see you (if this is possible) at all, he will get bored quickly with visiting his son and maybe you will be done with him for long stretches at least. Good luck.
Just keep in mind anyhting you try to do for him to be “nice” will back fire on you! LOL
Is it odd to feel guilt when the x calls? He will call maybe twice a week (he is supposed to call mon. and weds., but he is not consistent with this). When I listen to his messages to our son saying “this is dad, just calling to say I love you.” It is almost painful, for two reasons: 1. I wish my son had a father to love the way a sane persons does & 2. I wish my x was able to truely love our son I do. When he does talk with our son, they are on speaker phone and the conversations are usually short and appropriate. I have offered him to call whenever to talk with our son, even to call everynight to say good night and I love you. This to did not take place.
I am sure he will respond harshly, to say the least, to my email telling him no to the visit. And if he calls, and is not wanting to speak with Blair, I am going to ask him to correspond with me via email unless it is an emergency about our son.
And, it does not matter if I am nice, he views me as the fu@.......$*&% Bi%&# no matter what. He is from a very small town and I am amazed at what I hear he says about me, especially when I thought things were going to well.
thank you so much for your time and help