Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Carla:
Can you help me with co-parenting with a sociopath? Divorced three months ago, after a two-year fight for my rights. He is not complying as you know.
I am going crazy with the way he only shows his wonderful, smooth qualities to the children. I have three boys. I can’t stand sending them on weekends to a man who never calls them for two weeks and then lavishes them with charm and gifts. It makes me sick that I am struggling because he has not released even one of 26 accounts to me as decreed in the divorce settlement. He pays my bills and deducts them from the alimony. He follows the agreement under his own conditions and it confuses the attorneys. He won’t discuss the children with me or offer any assistance to them as a father. He is 100 percent focused on his new victim, his girlfriend, a new young, widow. Spending all the money he hid on her. But the kids have “buddy” to whisk them from one expensive activity to another while I am struggling to pay the bills.
I have greater anxiety now than when we were married. He openly emotionally abuses me. Before it was more covert and I got immune to the invalidation and blame. NOW I am discarded since I chose not to play by his rules of cheating, drugs, gambling, lying, withholding sex. He isn’t nice to me at all. Cruel. It was easier being married. He did all these things and he kept me blinded by being secretive and giving me a high-income surgeon’s wife lifestyle. I know the secrets now along with my attorney but he looks perfect in the community.
I miss the financial security and vacations. Now someone else shares those things with him and all I did was give him three beautiful children to brag about and add to his narcissism.
I say terrible things about him to the two older children, ages 6 and 13. I tell them how he is not following the agreement, lying and spending money on drugs and women.
Is so frustrating. I see what is real but no one else does. I am afraid my children are going to prefer him (and his girlfriend) because he is so charming and generous and I know he is pathological and I can’t give them the expensive gifts and ultra stimulating activities.
How do you deal with the frustration that you are the only person who knows someone is a sociopath? I had to live 15 years with him to figure it out and go through four therapists until the last one nailed him as anti-social/schizoid personality disordered. Then I validated her “diagnosis” with Lovefraud. He has all the signs with a very high IQ and status of a medical professional to hide behind. Will anyone else ever figure it out? I don’t believe that what comes around goes around when it comes to a sociopath as intellectually clever as my ex-husband. I do have a few very perspective people who picked up on it. I don’t think my kids will ever see it and I think he will destroy me even post-divorce. Why is he so relentless? He has his freedom and his money. Why not leave me alone? Is it because I get one-third of his income in alimony?
After the divorce
Probably the most shocking thing about divorcing a sociopath is that even when it’s over, it’s not over. The attorneys have argued, the court has ruled, this is how it’s going to be—and it’s not. The sociopath doesn’t comply, twists things the way he or she wants them, uses children against the other parent, and no one seems to care.
This leaves the non-sociopathic partner—like Carla—angry with the sociopath, frustrated that he’s getting away with his lies and manipulation, and upset that he won’t do what he’s supposed to do, baffled that no one else sees the truth—all while still mourning the life she thought she had. Carla wants her ex to pay her what he’s supposed to and be a dad to their children. He’s not doing either, so she wants other people to know that behind his charming, successful veneer, he’s vile.
It’s a toxic brew of emotions. But the emotions will never affect the sociopath. They will only affect Carla, and possibly her children.
It seems to me that Carla needs to be able to separate what’s going on into four categories: financial considerations, the children, dealing with the ex and her emotional recovery.
Financial considerations
First of all, Carla needs to get her financial situation straightened out. If her ex is supposed to give her 26 accounts, she needs to get that enforced—soon, before the accounts are empty. I hope her attorneys put a time limit on when these accounts are supposed to be turned over, and specified exactly how much money she is supposed to receive. If not, she is in trouble.
Carla cannot allow her ex-husband to pay her bills. By letting him do this, she is allowing him to control her. He is deducting the money from her alimony? He is probably exaggerating the amount of the bills just to pay her less. Plus, he may decide to stop paying the bills, and she would never know it—until the cable service or electric is turned off. Carla must demand that she receive the full alimony, then get her bills in her own name.
Carla did not mention a house and mortgage. If the sociopath’s name is on the house or mortgage, that is a disaster waiting to happen. He may stop paying the mortgage and allow the house to slip into foreclosure. He wouldn’t care, but Carla would have no place to live.
The children
Carla complained that her ex won’t discuss the children with her and won’t offer any assistance as a father. He doesn’t call them during the week and only wants to play with them on his weekends. I’d recommend that Carla use this to her advantage.
Here is the bottom line: Sociopaths are terrible parents. At best, they view children as prized possession. At worst, they actively try to corrupt the children. Therefore, the less interaction a sociopath has with his or her children, the better.
Carla should actually be grateful that her ex is staying out of their children’s lives as much as he is. She should use her time with the children to shower them with love, nurture them and provide them with healthy guidance. None of that will happen when the boys are with their father. The kids will eventually sense that there is no real bond with the father. As time goes on, they may also witness him moving from girlfriend to girlfriend, and eventually start rolling their eyes at yet another one.
Carla needs to be their rock of stability. She also needs to stop badmouthing the father—even if he deserves it. This is important for two reasons. First is the emotional health of the children—they should not feel in the middle of her issues with the ex. Second, she does not want to give her ex the ammunition to come after her with a parental alienation lawsuit, in which she could lose custody of the boys.
Her best plan of action is the stay neutral about the father. One mother’s standard response whenever her children brought home news of the ex was a noncommittal, “That’s nice.”
Kids are smart. Sooner or later, they will realize that the sociopath cares only about himself.
Dealing with the ex
Carla asks, “Why is he so relentless? Why not leave me alone?”
Divorcing a sociopath is not like divorcing a relatively healthy person that you’ve just grown away from. In a normal divorce, mommy and daddy don’t want to be together anymore, but they can cooperate for the sake of the kids. This is not going to happen with a sociopath.
Sociopaths only want three things: Power, control and sex. Carla and the surgeon have divorced, but that doesn’t mean he has given up his desire for power and control.
Carla says her ex-husband is openly abusing her. She must eliminate his opportunities to do this and go No Contact with this man as much as possible. I don’t know if she is allowing him into her home, but she shouldn’t. The child exchange should be arranged to minimize interaction. Any communications regarding the children should be conducted via e-mail. Phone conversations give him opportunities to abuse her.
The key is for Carla to be strictly business. She must recognize that the sociopath will not play nice. He will do everything possible to avoid paying her. He will continue to manipulate her through the children. She must learn not to react when he baits her. She must learn to be calm and collected, yet make him toe the line on his court-ordered obligations.
Emotional recovery
All of this is pretty raw for Carla right now—the divorce was only three months ago. She is outraged. She is frustrated. Carla misses the status, money, vacations and cozy lifestyle of a surgeon’s wife. She is justifiably angry that he cheated and hid money, and probably still reeling from being devalued and discarded.
Realizing that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath has probably rocked Carla to the core. Nothing was real. Everything was a lie. And plenty of people in the community still believe the lie. This is a massive shock, and it takes time to come to terms with the magnitude of the deception.
Recovery is a process, and there is a lot of information here on the Lovefraud blog that may help Carla:
- She must realize that the ex is a sociopath, and this is the way he lives his life. Nothing she did or didn’t do would make any difference.
- She must realize that she was targeted, probably because of her good qualities.
- She must allow herself to feel her anger, disappointment, grief and even hatred—and then let it all go.
This will take time, and will probably come in waves—a wave of emotion, followed by a wave of calm. Eventually the emotional periods will be shorter, the calm periods will be longer.
Carla is in for many years of aggravation with this man. She needs to get to a point of equanimity, where his antics no longer affect her. When she gets there, no matter what the guy does, Carla wins.
If someone could please adviced me at this time, I am dealing with a sociopath, we have a child together, but he has never been diagnosed as a sociopath, after reading up on things and he fits the criteria. I had wonder why he was talking and doing the things he does to be his age, he lies about every single thing and I remember this particular time he said he wish the baby would have died, he do not care about the baby anyways, but he had filed for joint custody and he has never been apart of the child life, he do not provide any financial support, he do not even ask how the child is doing, it is all about him and everyone else, we have been to court severals times but he do not follow nor care, he comes up to me one time about seeing the child, he needed my help, thought I would save him, he speaks of me so badly as if he has forgotten I am the child mother, the one doing it all and he does nothing but he just runs from one person to another and I do not want my baby explode to this type of lifestyle. He steals, sell drugs etc. How is this good to be apart of a child life. Well, the paper he had filed was the wrong paper and he had certain amount of time to filed it and he did not, he was only trying to scare me, he do not want to be in the child life but tell everyone its impossible due to me, which is a lie, told the Judge I will not let him see the child, he has never asked nor knock on the door. No one do not see through is lies and he is very manipulator, he is evil, nasty individual. I do not know what else to do at this time, he wants to come seek and destroy my baby life right now, the child is very happy. Its like you are on a roller coaster with this sociopath. He is not stable in his ways, he states on thing and than we are on something else. Its like what can you do to show the Judge this person is not stable, not in his right mind, he write letters that is crazy but very socialable, convincing, he said in one letter I just want him in jail, he wants self in jail, he continued to do things that is unlawful. Any advice.
I had noticed when you react to the things the sociopath states they will get a joyment out of it, it happen in the courtroom, i had a outburst to the lies he had stated but we were never on the topic of the minor child, it was always once again about him and i am learning to keep the focus on what i am there and tell the Judge i am here about the well being of my child not about him or anything he has stated, we need to keep the focus on about the child well being. I noticed they can be very convincing and give you this smirk smile after I had been told that I was the reason he was no longer working which he had stated in the letter which I am like I should prove this wrong for my case, because the Judge stated if you gotten him fired you cannot get any money. which I knew this boy was lying, he gives me this smile but i know it is a man higher than that, God!
Dear PrincessKK,
Welcome to LoveFraud, you are in the right place. Most of them do NOT have the official “diagnosis” but do fit the criteria, so we just a hve to assume, if it “walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is probably q DUCK.”
Go to Dr. Leedom’s site, “raising an at-risk child” she has some good information there for people who must share parenting with these people. Stay around here and read too and learn, there are some tremendously wonderful and compassionate people who share your frustrations with your X because of your child. God bless you and your child. (((hugs))))
Dear OxDrover
Thank you for the welcome. I had tried to explain to people the things I have been dealing with since 2005 when I had met him and it has been crazy ever since, it seems like a bad nightmare that I cannot wake up from but he states different to others, he changes the story around. I am so forever thankful I have someone to talk to about this, to help me, I want to make sure he is completely at standpoint. People believe his evil lies after lies.
Do you think it is best to subpoena the job to get the information why he is no longer employed there because he has stated to the Judge I gotten him fired which is a lie. I felt the Judge believed him, he had repeated it to me.
Thank You my child need all the blessing. I am afraid for his life. He is not going to want to be there by himself. I had asked for supervised visitation, the child do not know him, he will be scared too death. I will not be able to rest if he is with him alone.
PrincessKK, welcome to LF, I’m glad you found this site! What does your attorney say about requesting his job info? Keep reading, as Oxy suggested, and document eveything, keep a journal and record each day that you don’t hear from him, days that he does not try to find out about the welfare of his child or even try to talk to him. Write down your conversations with him… and I think your’re right, don’t react emotionally to him, be boring… as skylar would say!
PrincessKK,
Welcome,
although we naturally want to be truthful at all times, with a sociopath, you cannot ever disclose the truth or show emotions. Everything they know about you, they will use against you.
so, yes, get the records from his work about why he was fired, if you can, but don’t let him know what you are doing because he will get there first.
also, don’t show any emotion, don’t have outbursts. He is only interested in the child for the sake of getting an emotional reaction from you. Behave as if you don’t have emotions.
Play your cards close to your chest, don’t disclose anything unless you need to.
Hi Skylar
The attorney states will ge the record from the job and then all of sudden she is like no need to get it, it will cost and I am like if you can show the court that he is lying under oath that is perjury. I had learned to document everything, keep records of everything even the emails from 2007 to present. I had tried to communicate with him recent about him contacting me about seeing the child since he claim he is interested, he had came back as if he did not even know my contact information which he has it, he even told me the number to call me, he only going to speak to me on his time, he has a violation of probation out on him as we speak, its like why the court cannot see he is a jailbird, this is not in the best interest of the child, this is frustration, he like to stir things up when it was calm. I am afraid if the child is with him alone he will pick up his bad habits or he will harm him for he no longer can pay support as if he does it anyways, he just want him to be gone for he can be on his merry way, he is a very deceitful person. He knows in his heart he had never contact about seeing the child. He has been in and out of jail. When he had gotten out when the baby was born he stated he had other things he had to do and he will see about coming why the court do not take this inconsideration. I am not going to let him upset me anymore, but he had brought up something in the past that bothers me, someone lied, he is evil, you are so right whatever they know about you they will try to used it against you, he think he knows this guy that likes me, he is married, a friend, of the wife and the man, he going to mention it in there which he was only trying to find out information to help my case and to see how he feel about things, he spoken of me so badly, it was ashame and the next day he comes back to him oh i hope she find someone good, she deserves it and this and that he wanted to be friends with me but i did not understand that and i am like oh my goodness, he was the one gotte on his knees to ask me to be his girlfriend. The guy felt like he was jealousy. I told him he is a con artist. You have said it loud and clear he is only interested in the child for the sake to get a emotional out of me, to threaten me about child support, he feel since nothing else did not work, I will used this. I remember when he was locked up for illegal drugs, stolen gun, he asked the Judge, all I want to know do the child support end, he did not care, he will go to prison as long as he do not have to provide, he said it has been the worst 4 yrs of his life, he turn things around on you as if he is the victim. You think I do need to get the documentation, the job told me how to go by getting it, to subpeona them for the information. I think I need to get this for myself. The attorney feel I am being too consumed with his life which he is the one started all of this and all I want to make sure my baby is safe from this individual. I asked for supervised visitation, the baby do not know him, he will be afraid of him. I remember bringing him twice to the court, he walk right on by him as if he wasn’t there but he wants to be in his life, come on. Yeah, he think he has something to gain. He is ready to seek and destroy. He do not mention this incident to the court, but I held it all back for he do not know how I am coming at all. I am not going to disclose anything, he tried to get pictures through people I know for he can have them, for his benefit, he tryin to pay nasty right about now. He always trying to plot a scheme. Does they every stop? The time my baby went to the court, was screaming so badly, let’s let’s go as if knew danger was around the corner and there he goes, the baby had sense and put head on my chest, I am the protector for the child……why the court do not listen, they should know if a man want to be in their child life they will be without all of this frustration!
Carla could be me.
Only mine sociopath is a NASA Gov’t employee, and he only wants my/our 7 year old daughter, as he says he will never pay me a dime. After 14 months, and he stole, 50k of marital assets, and the courts let this abusive guy who has given her a perm scar and DCF, the local keystone cops, etc, no one does their job.
He has 4 grown sons, no contact thru their lives, so why me and her? He let 1 be adopted by a guy, 2,3,4 are grown and TX wants 30k still from him.
And my princess that I spent 3 1/2 yrs fertility wise, in jax and then down here, around KSC, and then 10 months pregnant protecting her, and 6 years as a full time mother. Now Im in a divorce, and he acts like he is god too. He changes the rules/has not paid a court order signed by the judge Dec 05th 2008 that he pay the mortgage to the home. He still has not, and has moved into a resort then a 2/2 to a 3/2 with a garage, pool, spa, fitness ctr, and I cannot do yard work, as he abused me, and bulged discs in my lumbar and neck. Plus he stole all the tools and anything worth a dime.
He makes 78k a yr, and I make 300, 2 days a month, military reserves. As that will kill me for a week, but it gives me life insurance, etc.
So where do they teach these sociopaths version to divorce tactics? Clear out accounts, pull up a uhaul and take everything valuable… Then lie, lie and lie. I cannot co-parent with this jerk. He abused me, my 21 year old at 16, verbally to my mom on her trips to help me when I could not walk, and has now abused my 7 yr old, and the police and DCF with photo’s DO NOTHING!! They even lied in court and said, well I dont remember her looking like that… REALLY, you pulled her out of school and took her to the DCF doctor, then DID nothing. She fell out of bed, he said. I laceration 2 inches across her cheek from the bed on the ROOF?? Ughh
I also want him out of my life. There is no way to co-parent with a sociopath!!!
Dear florduh,
Welcome to love fraud.
Go to Dr. Liane Leedom’s blog which is linked here. .She has a son by a P and is a professional. There are many resources there.
I’m sorry you are having so manyu problems with your X. keep hope and don’t let him get you down.
READ READ READ and LERARN LEARN LEARN, it is the only way to survive. Knowledge=power, take back your power and your strength. God bless you and your chhild. I am glad you are here, this is a good place. good people and WE believe you.
Question
My child asks if he is going with the p since he didn’t get to go last time due to being sick. I said no. He wants to know why. (because he wants to go to the drag strip). What would you say to your child? (I think I blew this one too)