Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Carla:
Can you help me with co-parenting with a sociopath? Divorced three months ago, after a two-year fight for my rights. He is not complying as you know.
I am going crazy with the way he only shows his wonderful, smooth qualities to the children. I have three boys. I can’t stand sending them on weekends to a man who never calls them for two weeks and then lavishes them with charm and gifts. It makes me sick that I am struggling because he has not released even one of 26 accounts to me as decreed in the divorce settlement. He pays my bills and deducts them from the alimony. He follows the agreement under his own conditions and it confuses the attorneys. He won’t discuss the children with me or offer any assistance to them as a father. He is 100 percent focused on his new victim, his girlfriend, a new young, widow. Spending all the money he hid on her. But the kids have “buddy” to whisk them from one expensive activity to another while I am struggling to pay the bills.
I have greater anxiety now than when we were married. He openly emotionally abuses me. Before it was more covert and I got immune to the invalidation and blame. NOW I am discarded since I chose not to play by his rules of cheating, drugs, gambling, lying, withholding sex. He isn’t nice to me at all. Cruel. It was easier being married. He did all these things and he kept me blinded by being secretive and giving me a high-income surgeon’s wife lifestyle. I know the secrets now along with my attorney but he looks perfect in the community.
I miss the financial security and vacations. Now someone else shares those things with him and all I did was give him three beautiful children to brag about and add to his narcissism.
I say terrible things about him to the two older children, ages 6 and 13. I tell them how he is not following the agreement, lying and spending money on drugs and women.
Is so frustrating. I see what is real but no one else does. I am afraid my children are going to prefer him (and his girlfriend) because he is so charming and generous and I know he is pathological and I can’t give them the expensive gifts and ultra stimulating activities.
How do you deal with the frustration that you are the only person who knows someone is a sociopath? I had to live 15 years with him to figure it out and go through four therapists until the last one nailed him as anti-social/schizoid personality disordered. Then I validated her “diagnosis” with Lovefraud. He has all the signs with a very high IQ and status of a medical professional to hide behind. Will anyone else ever figure it out? I don’t believe that what comes around goes around when it comes to a sociopath as intellectually clever as my ex-husband. I do have a few very perspective people who picked up on it. I don’t think my kids will ever see it and I think he will destroy me even post-divorce. Why is he so relentless? He has his freedom and his money. Why not leave me alone? Is it because I get one-third of his income in alimony?
After the divorce
Probably the most shocking thing about divorcing a sociopath is that even when it’s over, it’s not over. The attorneys have argued, the court has ruled, this is how it’s going to be—and it’s not. The sociopath doesn’t comply, twists things the way he or she wants them, uses children against the other parent, and no one seems to care.
This leaves the non-sociopathic partner—like Carla—angry with the sociopath, frustrated that he’s getting away with his lies and manipulation, and upset that he won’t do what he’s supposed to do, baffled that no one else sees the truth—all while still mourning the life she thought she had. Carla wants her ex to pay her what he’s supposed to and be a dad to their children. He’s not doing either, so she wants other people to know that behind his charming, successful veneer, he’s vile.
It’s a toxic brew of emotions. But the emotions will never affect the sociopath. They will only affect Carla, and possibly her children.
It seems to me that Carla needs to be able to separate what’s going on into four categories: financial considerations, the children, dealing with the ex and her emotional recovery.
Financial considerations
First of all, Carla needs to get her financial situation straightened out. If her ex is supposed to give her 26 accounts, she needs to get that enforced—soon, before the accounts are empty. I hope her attorneys put a time limit on when these accounts are supposed to be turned over, and specified exactly how much money she is supposed to receive. If not, she is in trouble.
Carla cannot allow her ex-husband to pay her bills. By letting him do this, she is allowing him to control her. He is deducting the money from her alimony? He is probably exaggerating the amount of the bills just to pay her less. Plus, he may decide to stop paying the bills, and she would never know it—until the cable service or electric is turned off. Carla must demand that she receive the full alimony, then get her bills in her own name.
Carla did not mention a house and mortgage. If the sociopath’s name is on the house or mortgage, that is a disaster waiting to happen. He may stop paying the mortgage and allow the house to slip into foreclosure. He wouldn’t care, but Carla would have no place to live.
The children
Carla complained that her ex won’t discuss the children with her and won’t offer any assistance as a father. He doesn’t call them during the week and only wants to play with them on his weekends. I’d recommend that Carla use this to her advantage.
Here is the bottom line: Sociopaths are terrible parents. At best, they view children as prized possession. At worst, they actively try to corrupt the children. Therefore, the less interaction a sociopath has with his or her children, the better.
Carla should actually be grateful that her ex is staying out of their children’s lives as much as he is. She should use her time with the children to shower them with love, nurture them and provide them with healthy guidance. None of that will happen when the boys are with their father. The kids will eventually sense that there is no real bond with the father. As time goes on, they may also witness him moving from girlfriend to girlfriend, and eventually start rolling their eyes at yet another one.
Carla needs to be their rock of stability. She also needs to stop badmouthing the father—even if he deserves it. This is important for two reasons. First is the emotional health of the children—they should not feel in the middle of her issues with the ex. Second, she does not want to give her ex the ammunition to come after her with a parental alienation lawsuit, in which she could lose custody of the boys.
Her best plan of action is the stay neutral about the father. One mother’s standard response whenever her children brought home news of the ex was a noncommittal, “That’s nice.”
Kids are smart. Sooner or later, they will realize that the sociopath cares only about himself.
Dealing with the ex
Carla asks, “Why is he so relentless? Why not leave me alone?”
Divorcing a sociopath is not like divorcing a relatively healthy person that you’ve just grown away from. In a normal divorce, mommy and daddy don’t want to be together anymore, but they can cooperate for the sake of the kids. This is not going to happen with a sociopath.
Sociopaths only want three things: Power, control and sex. Carla and the surgeon have divorced, but that doesn’t mean he has given up his desire for power and control.
Carla says her ex-husband is openly abusing her. She must eliminate his opportunities to do this and go No Contact with this man as much as possible. I don’t know if she is allowing him into her home, but she shouldn’t. The child exchange should be arranged to minimize interaction. Any communications regarding the children should be conducted via e-mail. Phone conversations give him opportunities to abuse her.
The key is for Carla to be strictly business. She must recognize that the sociopath will not play nice. He will do everything possible to avoid paying her. He will continue to manipulate her through the children. She must learn not to react when he baits her. She must learn to be calm and collected, yet make him toe the line on his court-ordered obligations.
Emotional recovery
All of this is pretty raw for Carla right now—the divorce was only three months ago. She is outraged. She is frustrated. Carla misses the status, money, vacations and cozy lifestyle of a surgeon’s wife. She is justifiably angry that he cheated and hid money, and probably still reeling from being devalued and discarded.
Realizing that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath has probably rocked Carla to the core. Nothing was real. Everything was a lie. And plenty of people in the community still believe the lie. This is a massive shock, and it takes time to come to terms with the magnitude of the deception.
Recovery is a process, and there is a lot of information here on the Lovefraud blog that may help Carla:
- She must realize that the ex is a sociopath, and this is the way he lives his life. Nothing she did or didn’t do would make any difference.
- She must realize that she was targeted, probably because of her good qualities.
- She must allow herself to feel her anger, disappointment, grief and even hatred—and then let it all go.
This will take time, and will probably come in waves—a wave of emotion, followed by a wave of calm. Eventually the emotional periods will be shorter, the calm periods will be longer.
Carla is in for many years of aggravation with this man. She needs to get to a point of equanimity, where his antics no longer affect her. When she gets there, no matter what the guy does, Carla wins.
Anyone know if I have to give my babysitter’s name to my ex spath? I have a restraining order and chose to maintain a confidential address, which was supported by the court. My babysitter lives directly behind me. I am sending him the check receipts with her name crossed out, and he is supposed to pay 70% of childcare expenses, but he is saying he is supposed to pay her directly (and unfortunately that is the wording on the DCS order). He claims he needs it for tax purposes, but it is my year to claim him and he won’t even be able to deduct childcare expenses this year (or any other if I get my way in court this December). You and I know he just wants to know where I live, but how can I prove this and make him pay anyway??? It’s the weekend so I can’t call DCS, but this is really bothering me. I just went back to work, and really need this money from him NOW.
The holes in the system!
Get simple SMALL receipt book . Have provider write on the receipt – Paid Cash. (Checks ARE considered cash). All you need to provide him is the receipt of cash paid for childcare for reimbursement.
Plan on paying her cash. Go back to her and request she fill in prior receipts for care as documetation.
I would be surprised if a court balked at him not paying her directly, as usually childcare is payed on a weekly or as needed basis…..WHEN YOU PICK THE CHILD UP.
So, no babysitter can be forced to be paid by 70% him and 30% you…..WHEN he gets around to paying her.
It’s YOUR divorce/custody issue NOT the CC providers.
If he took you back to court on this….it would only serve to expose his unwillingness to cooperate and punish you by being a pain in the ass.
Thanks EB – that’s my thinking, too. Should I draft up some kind of letter explaining that I am not going to breach my confidentiality and just keep sending him receipts? Or just keep sending him receipts? I already addressed the fact that I did not feel comfortable giving her this information, which is why he responded with “Well the DCS papers say you have to!” I pay my 30% to the daycare he uses on his one weekday custody day (which he kept him in even though he didn’t have a job for 3 months), but that’s a daycare with a billing cycle and tax id #. This is just my neighbor helping me out. I’m doing this under the table at the moment until I can move to day shift at work and use a licensed provider, who also lives next to me (I work evenings at the moment).
Man I wish I had a lawyer about now. I hate dealing with that man!!!!
I have found that ……don’t address things with the spath….JUST DO IT.
If he addresses things with you……turn it back on him.
Keep sending ‘what you have’. Just a cash receipt. You paid cash…..this is all which is legally required.
If he doesn’t like it…..HE can take you back to court.
HE will be the one who looks bad by bickering about this.
Just pay the friggen bill spath……everything doesn’t need to be hammered out to the nth degree.
Don’t engage him.
Remove yourself from this engagement.
Just mail him the cash receipts and expect payment. Leave it at that.
You don’t need an attorney…..trust me…..the more you ‘do’ with a spath….the more you learn how to back spath them…..and put it right back on HIS plate.
Well I can tell you now he’s just not going to pay. He did this with the child support. Didn’t pay me for 5 months when he knew I didn’t have a job and had huge vet bills. My attorney at the time requested that he pay me *something* before the hearing (which his attorney postponed 3 times, then backed out of the case) and he just ignored it, and nothing whatsoever happened to him. He’ll just make me eat it, then give some lame excuse at our court date in December, pointing to the stupid clause in the DCS papers which say payment needs to be made directly. Even if the judge forces him to pay (“Oh gosh, your honor – I guess I made a mistake! Please forgive me – I meant no harm to anybody!”), he’ll pay it off slowly… just enough to keep him in compliance, which is what he’s doing with the child support back pay. It’s maddening! How can no one in the legal system see that they do this on purpose to make your life miserable?!
I do have some positive news to report on the spath-back front. When I told the ex I was taking our ds in for therapy because he is having such a hard time with the seperation and spath’s new girlfriend, he broke the restraining order (again) with this manipulative e-mail basically telling me that my decision to go no-contact was the reason ds is having such a hard time. This was a good one – “We are both good and strong people – I believe we can both overcome our fears and anger to come together and communicate positively fro ds’ sake”. Being familiar with the guilt-trip technique for many years now, I refused to take the bait. I simply wrote back, “If you are willing to complete Batterer’s Intervention as I requested in my parenting plan proposal, I will certainly entertain the idea of communicating with you. Otherwise, please respect the restraining order and limit your e-mails to ds’ health and schedule.” NO response. I also gave him one more chance to comply with my 2 phone calls per week, which is pretty generous considering I have more than enough evidence to file a motion of non-compliance. One more chance, I think, will look positive, since I’m actually not interested in expending the time or energy to file yet another motion, but I will if he screws up again (which he will). I know I need to start submitting declarations of non-compliance soon. Need to get all the phone records, I think, and submit it all together.
Dear Mama, You are not yet “free” of him, but sounds like you are handling things pretty well is it possible for her (CC lady) to meet him somewhere to give her the money directly? Or at least TELL him that is how it will be handled if he doesn’t want to accept a receipt from her. Or you can get a PO box in HER NAME at one of those Mail box things places and he can mail it to her there.
I think I would find some way to screw around the “directly” thing and find a “direct” way he can’t refuse to pay and come out looking like a “mistake.”.
So now I had to call in sick to work because the spath refused to allow my babysitter to pick up my ds from his mom’s unless I made her show her id to the mother. He has already refused to pay childcare unless I gave him her info. UGH!!!!
I think it’s time to go back to court to get a change in the temporary plan. He was granted every weekend Thurs-Sunday because (according to my lawyer at the time) I was not working do to an injury. Now that I’m back to work, and it’s clear he’s not willing to be at all flexible with the schedule, I have a shot at more custody, right? My job works variable shifts according to what my seniority date can hold. The best shift for me is evenings, but once school starts, he will basically be in school all day and I won’t see him, nor will I get reimbursed for the childcare he is refusing to pay for unless I allow him to violate my restraining order and confidential address and possibly subject my childcare provider to his harassment.
Any advice??? I’m going to a legal clinic Wednesday to help with the paperwork. But what kind of schedule should I ask for based on my working schedule???
Freemama {{{STRONG HUGS}}} He’s playing games to the best of his ability. Are you in the US? In every State, Legal Aid is available specifically to address CUSTODY and VISITATION. Legal Aid (at least, in VA) does not assist in separation or divorce issues. You’re going to need a balls-to-the-wall attorney on this. An attorney who will hear you and work to protect you and your child.
Under no circumstances would I recommend that you allow violation of a restraining order. Figure SOMEthing out – a friend, a relative who can help you out until this is sorted out in Court. You may guarantee that the childcare provider will not only be subject to harassment, but possible physical harm if this nutbag slips a cog and tries to kidnap the child.
I would ask for a night schedule so that my child can sleep with a babysitter and, once school begins, I can sleep while he’s at school. It’s hard and challenging, but you will make the right choices for you. Just try to keep in mind that the expath is out to “get” you for having the nerve to leave! Be vigilant, toughen your heart, and take NO prisoners!!!!
Brightest blessings!!!!
Thanks, Buttons. I do have his cousin available at times, but after today she was so furious at him she’s now threatening to cut us both off. I validated to her that it’s not fair that she and his mother get caught up in it, but he makes sure it happens to keep me as isolated as possible. He just blames it on me, the “crazy ex”. I have no family here. They all know “how he can be”, but the advice to me is always “Get over it. You guys need to work it out for the sake of the kid.” Yeah – it’s okay to get abused, as long as you “get over it”, I guess. Having a baby with a spath obviously means you signed up for it, right?? What a world. I’ve let go of the need to change anybody’s mind in his family. They’re utterly useless to me.
Night schedules are brutal, but they will work for school. I can get one with weekends off, and hopefully ask for every other weekend like I did in my proposal. They don’t work so much now. I’d have to pay for a nightsitter, plus daycare while I sleep. Ugh. I just walk around so stressed out all the time over this. All I want to be is a mom. I’m an AWESOME mom. He can’t even deny that or allege different (though he tried to by calling CPS… they dropped the charge, and said he doesn’t get any more chances to make malicious allegations against me with them.)
I don’t deserve this. I just read the happy endings on here and hope there will be one out there for me one day.