Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Carla:
Can you help me with co-parenting with a sociopath? Divorced three months ago, after a two-year fight for my rights. He is not complying as you know.
I am going crazy with the way he only shows his wonderful, smooth qualities to the children. I have three boys. I can’t stand sending them on weekends to a man who never calls them for two weeks and then lavishes them with charm and gifts. It makes me sick that I am struggling because he has not released even one of 26 accounts to me as decreed in the divorce settlement. He pays my bills and deducts them from the alimony. He follows the agreement under his own conditions and it confuses the attorneys. He won’t discuss the children with me or offer any assistance to them as a father. He is 100 percent focused on his new victim, his girlfriend, a new young, widow. Spending all the money he hid on her. But the kids have “buddy” to whisk them from one expensive activity to another while I am struggling to pay the bills.
I have greater anxiety now than when we were married. He openly emotionally abuses me. Before it was more covert and I got immune to the invalidation and blame. NOW I am discarded since I chose not to play by his rules of cheating, drugs, gambling, lying, withholding sex. He isn’t nice to me at all. Cruel. It was easier being married. He did all these things and he kept me blinded by being secretive and giving me a high-income surgeon’s wife lifestyle. I know the secrets now along with my attorney but he looks perfect in the community.
I miss the financial security and vacations. Now someone else shares those things with him and all I did was give him three beautiful children to brag about and add to his narcissism.
I say terrible things about him to the two older children, ages 6 and 13. I tell them how he is not following the agreement, lying and spending money on drugs and women.
Is so frustrating. I see what is real but no one else does. I am afraid my children are going to prefer him (and his girlfriend) because he is so charming and generous and I know he is pathological and I can’t give them the expensive gifts and ultra stimulating activities.
How do you deal with the frustration that you are the only person who knows someone is a sociopath? I had to live 15 years with him to figure it out and go through four therapists until the last one nailed him as anti-social/schizoid personality disordered. Then I validated her “diagnosis” with Lovefraud. He has all the signs with a very high IQ and status of a medical professional to hide behind. Will anyone else ever figure it out? I don’t believe that what comes around goes around when it comes to a sociopath as intellectually clever as my ex-husband. I do have a few very perspective people who picked up on it. I don’t think my kids will ever see it and I think he will destroy me even post-divorce. Why is he so relentless? He has his freedom and his money. Why not leave me alone? Is it because I get one-third of his income in alimony?
After the divorce
Probably the most shocking thing about divorcing a sociopath is that even when it’s over, it’s not over. The attorneys have argued, the court has ruled, this is how it’s going to be—and it’s not. The sociopath doesn’t comply, twists things the way he or she wants them, uses children against the other parent, and no one seems to care.
This leaves the non-sociopathic partner—like Carla—angry with the sociopath, frustrated that he’s getting away with his lies and manipulation, and upset that he won’t do what he’s supposed to do, baffled that no one else sees the truth—all while still mourning the life she thought she had. Carla wants her ex to pay her what he’s supposed to and be a dad to their children. He’s not doing either, so she wants other people to know that behind his charming, successful veneer, he’s vile.
It’s a toxic brew of emotions. But the emotions will never affect the sociopath. They will only affect Carla, and possibly her children.
It seems to me that Carla needs to be able to separate what’s going on into four categories: financial considerations, the children, dealing with the ex and her emotional recovery.
Financial considerations
First of all, Carla needs to get her financial situation straightened out. If her ex is supposed to give her 26 accounts, she needs to get that enforced—soon, before the accounts are empty. I hope her attorneys put a time limit on when these accounts are supposed to be turned over, and specified exactly how much money she is supposed to receive. If not, she is in trouble.
Carla cannot allow her ex-husband to pay her bills. By letting him do this, she is allowing him to control her. He is deducting the money from her alimony? He is probably exaggerating the amount of the bills just to pay her less. Plus, he may decide to stop paying the bills, and she would never know it—until the cable service or electric is turned off. Carla must demand that she receive the full alimony, then get her bills in her own name.
Carla did not mention a house and mortgage. If the sociopath’s name is on the house or mortgage, that is a disaster waiting to happen. He may stop paying the mortgage and allow the house to slip into foreclosure. He wouldn’t care, but Carla would have no place to live.
The children
Carla complained that her ex won’t discuss the children with her and won’t offer any assistance as a father. He doesn’t call them during the week and only wants to play with them on his weekends. I’d recommend that Carla use this to her advantage.
Here is the bottom line: Sociopaths are terrible parents. At best, they view children as prized possession. At worst, they actively try to corrupt the children. Therefore, the less interaction a sociopath has with his or her children, the better.
Carla should actually be grateful that her ex is staying out of their children’s lives as much as he is. She should use her time with the children to shower them with love, nurture them and provide them with healthy guidance. None of that will happen when the boys are with their father. The kids will eventually sense that there is no real bond with the father. As time goes on, they may also witness him moving from girlfriend to girlfriend, and eventually start rolling their eyes at yet another one.
Carla needs to be their rock of stability. She also needs to stop badmouthing the father—even if he deserves it. This is important for two reasons. First is the emotional health of the children—they should not feel in the middle of her issues with the ex. Second, she does not want to give her ex the ammunition to come after her with a parental alienation lawsuit, in which she could lose custody of the boys.
Her best plan of action is the stay neutral about the father. One mother’s standard response whenever her children brought home news of the ex was a noncommittal, “That’s nice.”
Kids are smart. Sooner or later, they will realize that the sociopath cares only about himself.
Dealing with the ex
Carla asks, “Why is he so relentless? Why not leave me alone?”
Divorcing a sociopath is not like divorcing a relatively healthy person that you’ve just grown away from. In a normal divorce, mommy and daddy don’t want to be together anymore, but they can cooperate for the sake of the kids. This is not going to happen with a sociopath.
Sociopaths only want three things: Power, control and sex. Carla and the surgeon have divorced, but that doesn’t mean he has given up his desire for power and control.
Carla says her ex-husband is openly abusing her. She must eliminate his opportunities to do this and go No Contact with this man as much as possible. I don’t know if she is allowing him into her home, but she shouldn’t. The child exchange should be arranged to minimize interaction. Any communications regarding the children should be conducted via e-mail. Phone conversations give him opportunities to abuse her.
The key is for Carla to be strictly business. She must recognize that the sociopath will not play nice. He will do everything possible to avoid paying her. He will continue to manipulate her through the children. She must learn not to react when he baits her. She must learn to be calm and collected, yet make him toe the line on his court-ordered obligations.
Emotional recovery
All of this is pretty raw for Carla right now—the divorce was only three months ago. She is outraged. She is frustrated. Carla misses the status, money, vacations and cozy lifestyle of a surgeon’s wife. She is justifiably angry that he cheated and hid money, and probably still reeling from being devalued and discarded.
Realizing that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath has probably rocked Carla to the core. Nothing was real. Everything was a lie. And plenty of people in the community still believe the lie. This is a massive shock, and it takes time to come to terms with the magnitude of the deception.
Recovery is a process, and there is a lot of information here on the Lovefraud blog that may help Carla:
- She must realize that the ex is a sociopath, and this is the way he lives his life. Nothing she did or didn’t do would make any difference.
- She must realize that she was targeted, probably because of her good qualities.
- She must allow herself to feel her anger, disappointment, grief and even hatred—and then let it all go.
This will take time, and will probably come in waves—a wave of emotion, followed by a wave of calm. Eventually the emotional periods will be shorter, the calm periods will be longer.
Carla is in for many years of aggravation with this man. She needs to get to a point of equanimity, where his antics no longer affect her. When she gets there, no matter what the guy does, Carla wins.
thank you so much.
He filed for Joint Custody in end February, still refusing to share his address and whereabouts with me. My attorney responded with request to dismiss since his did not file the papers properly. Once dismissed and refiled, we were assigned an MSW who met with me and with the subhuman (loving the term). Now, a GAL is assigned. The GAL met with me once. I am pressing for Psych evaluation, knowing that these guys are good at pretending, but hoping for a miracle since he is very pathological. He has not seen his son since October of 2008. He refused to till end of December. Then, having found additional information about him, and because of his failure to seek treatment, I refused his request, and that escalated things. We are now waiting for GAL to finish his work “in the best interest of the child” who has not seen his dad.
I make decent money, although my living is pretty tight due to debts and expenses, but my son receives the SS benefits since his dad is now retired. I think I can still ask the court for child support. I’d really be thrilled if he just walked away at this point, but I have to consider his level of sanity (or insanity) when asking for money, since I don’t know if he’ll kidnap my son, kill me, or cause other heartaches. He’s never put the money into the household during the “good days”, so it may be that seeing that this battle is too much work, he will decide to walk away.
KATYA:
Have you and your attorney thought about proposing that you will release him from all past and future support obligations and in return he agrees to terminate his parental rights and have no further contact with his son? This approach may work if he thinks there is going to be a lot of future costs for him. As most everyone on this site can attest, the only thing these creatures understand at the end of the day is dollars and cents.
Interesting. I wasn’t sure if it’d be legal. This is something to consider, if it’s legal. When SS $ is received by son, does this mean he receives less than otherwise would have? perhaps, this is the very reason he’s so driven.
KATYA:
I was wondering the same question myself. If that is the case, that could be a reason. You should contact your local Social Security Office and they could probably tell you. Also, you might check out the Social Security website. It is pretty user friendly.
Just hung up with the SSA office: the father’s SS income DOES NOT change regardless of child’s benefits. However, I wonder if he knows that.
the interesting thing about this whole scenario is that HE has NO contact with me: did not call to check on son, did not wish him happy birthday. Did acknowledge Mother’s day in a simple Happy Mother’s Day e-mail, but has not taken interest in son’s life. I wonder if it’s because I know he’s mentally ill, he is afraid. does this make sense to anyone? Matt, thank you for your help.
Carla,
In your last post, you asked how to take back what you’ve already said to the kids. Here are a few suggestions.
First, if the opportunity arises (that is, if they refer back to what you told them before), tell them you were mad at their father, but this is really between him and you. It’s grown-up stuff, they don’t need to worry about it.
Next, you hope they have a good relationship with their father. You know he’s being very generous with them and lots of fun right now. But if that changes or they ever feel worried about anything, you want them to let you know, so you can help. (And get them to confirm that they understand that you’re the parent who is responsible for taking care of them everyday, and this is their home. Their father is the parent they visit.)
Finally, you need to shield them from what’s going on with you emotionally. No matter what you do, they know that you’re dealing with stress, just like they know that they’re going through big changes. The most reassuring thing you can do is present them with as calm, positive and steady a front as you can.
As someone who went through a marriage break-up when my son was eight, I know that kids may seem okay the short-term, but only because they’re trying to seem like good troupers and adapt, because they’re trying to stave off something even worse. That’s how kids think. They’re dependent on the big people, and when you guys start breaking things (including the marriage), their world rocks.
They don’t want it to get worse, so some kids start being anxious about keeping everyone happy. You want to minimize them “parenting the parent, and that’s why you don’t want to expose them to too much of your worry, anger or grief. If they want to “help Mommy,” give them regular chores, maybe things you can do together. It’s a better way to give them a feeling of accomplishment and belonging. And to give you a chance to have fun, even it’s just telling jokes while you’re doing chores together.
I wish you well with this hard transition. I’m sure you must be wondering if you did the right thing in trying to improve the relationship, given how it turned out. You know, a real relationship, one with intimacy, enables partners to talk about their feelings, and it doesn’t include lying and doing a lot of bad things behind the other person’s back. Over time, I suspect that you’re going to be grateful you got out when you did.
Kathy
Elisabeth,
I think there are an awful lot of villages missing their idiots, when it comes to helping the victims of s’s. I believe the only intelligent lawyers that exist are right here at LF!
It’s like the court has no bite when it comes to protecting the rights for the ex and their children. I know my ex s/p did whatever she wanted when told to pay child support. Not only did she not do what was court ordered but also never visited her children under the “supervised visitation” she was given. I asked her many times why she didn’t want to visit them and she always told me the same thing; that she hated the way her ex would “stare at her” and how she felt uncomfortable. Again this now shows me two things 1) they hate to lose and if they don’t get what they want then they will walk away both from their responsibility to their own children and what was court ordered. 2) Again it’s all about them! How she felt meant more then what her own children felt and needed which was for a mother to come and maintain some type of relationship with them.
The following is taken from my blog site title under: Personality traits: NPD. The blog goes on to list the many traits of an NPD.
“D is a person who suffers from some type of personality disorder. She was court ordered to be tested by a psychologist when she went through a custody case for her two other children with J back in November 3rd, 1989. She lost custody of both her children and was granted only “supervised” visitation rights. She was also ordered to pay child support maintain full time employment for insurance reasons and have a life insurance policy in place for these two children. None of this she did and in the end didn’t maintain a relationship with these two children. But as for her “next” family things really haven’t improved much for her.”
What good are these ruling and judges when they can’t protect our children from harm or even death from these sociopaths?
What good are judgments concerning child support OR and other issues when the court hands are tied because they refuse to see these people as they truly are?
“It was easier being married. He did all these things and he kept me blinded by being secretive and giving me a high-income surgeon’s wife lifestyle. I know the secrets now along with my attorney but he looks perfect in the community.”
Being a Doctor and if he was tested for drugs. If he prove positive for having drugs in his system he could lose his license to practices. But again it’s a lost for both his children (child support) and his ex wife for they would lose this support as well. Being with a sociopath is always like that insomuch one feel like being between a rock and a hard place. They will cut their own throats to win for winning is really what it’s all about for them.
Still the right thing to do is to report this Doctor if in fact he is using drugs and hope someone does.
I don’t know how to stay sane anymore. HE calls this weekend and wakes us all up because he THINKS it is his weekend. HE doesn’t come to sons B-game because “Mommy didn’t tell me you had one.”
HE HAS A SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now he doesn’t pay support for 2 weeks – insists he owes me only ONE and proceeds to tell me he has nothing for me.
But he takes our son from school today – out to lunch so he LOOKS LIKE THE GOOD GUY. and the lunch I sent goes in the garbage.
The reprimands son and daughter through son for not being nice to his beloved skank next door. Son 10 stuck his tongue out apparently and GF loves to play poor damsel .
Skanks daughter gave mine a bit of a stare down at the church fair -and daughter gets the brunt of “Your behavior is rude” like she is supposed to be NICE to skanks daughter.
He doesn’t even bother to ask what the interaction was – just demand that his OWN CHILDREN be nice to skank and her family. He does not realise he pretty much created a war zone here with his behavior.
Not to mention he takes son overnight and doesn’t get the homework done and keeps a 10 yr old up all hours.
Not to mention he gets him to school late the one day a week he is responsible and we live 3 minutes from school.
So now , I lose my temper over the non-payment of support and of course he enjoys it-jerk….
I try to tell him I have paid camp, new summer clothes and shoes for 2 kids, my car repairand 3 Dr visits/prescriptions -all outside of my usual budget.
I did not ask him for anymore funds – just the usual weekly.
But now HIS LIFESTYLE and debts have caught up with him and he denies me…. after going through over $400,000 by himself the last 5 years. Good God, I never knew he made anywhere near that kind of money.
But he got greedy, spent, bought, lost and never saw the end of the gravy train…………..
I just don’t know how and when this divorce will conclude…I have never been so scared and ashamed of myself that I let my life get this out of control.
If I had kicked him out when I should have we would have had no debt and very little to split. But at least it would have been an honest settlement.
I totally missed his gravy train, he never shared with me-all the other women yes, but not me. And now that it is gone and what’s left may go too – I have to rely on his benevolence to survive?
This bastard took everything for himself he could. And he forgets I paid 18 years of child support with him for his other two kids.
God help me –