Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Carla:
Can you help me with co-parenting with a sociopath? Divorced three months ago, after a two-year fight for my rights. He is not complying as you know.
I am going crazy with the way he only shows his wonderful, smooth qualities to the children. I have three boys. I can’t stand sending them on weekends to a man who never calls them for two weeks and then lavishes them with charm and gifts. It makes me sick that I am struggling because he has not released even one of 26 accounts to me as decreed in the divorce settlement. He pays my bills and deducts them from the alimony. He follows the agreement under his own conditions and it confuses the attorneys. He won’t discuss the children with me or offer any assistance to them as a father. He is 100 percent focused on his new victim, his girlfriend, a new young, widow. Spending all the money he hid on her. But the kids have “buddy” to whisk them from one expensive activity to another while I am struggling to pay the bills.
I have greater anxiety now than when we were married. He openly emotionally abuses me. Before it was more covert and I got immune to the invalidation and blame. NOW I am discarded since I chose not to play by his rules of cheating, drugs, gambling, lying, withholding sex. He isn’t nice to me at all. Cruel. It was easier being married. He did all these things and he kept me blinded by being secretive and giving me a high-income surgeon’s wife lifestyle. I know the secrets now along with my attorney but he looks perfect in the community.
I miss the financial security and vacations. Now someone else shares those things with him and all I did was give him three beautiful children to brag about and add to his narcissism.
I say terrible things about him to the two older children, ages 6 and 13. I tell them how he is not following the agreement, lying and spending money on drugs and women.
Is so frustrating. I see what is real but no one else does. I am afraid my children are going to prefer him (and his girlfriend) because he is so charming and generous and I know he is pathological and I can’t give them the expensive gifts and ultra stimulating activities.
How do you deal with the frustration that you are the only person who knows someone is a sociopath? I had to live 15 years with him to figure it out and go through four therapists until the last one nailed him as anti-social/schizoid personality disordered. Then I validated her “diagnosis” with Lovefraud. He has all the signs with a very high IQ and status of a medical professional to hide behind. Will anyone else ever figure it out? I don’t believe that what comes around goes around when it comes to a sociopath as intellectually clever as my ex-husband. I do have a few very perspective people who picked up on it. I don’t think my kids will ever see it and I think he will destroy me even post-divorce. Why is he so relentless? He has his freedom and his money. Why not leave me alone? Is it because I get one-third of his income in alimony?
After the divorce
Probably the most shocking thing about divorcing a sociopath is that even when it’s over, it’s not over. The attorneys have argued, the court has ruled, this is how it’s going to be—and it’s not. The sociopath doesn’t comply, twists things the way he or she wants them, uses children against the other parent, and no one seems to care.
This leaves the non-sociopathic partner—like Carla—angry with the sociopath, frustrated that he’s getting away with his lies and manipulation, and upset that he won’t do what he’s supposed to do, baffled that no one else sees the truth—all while still mourning the life she thought she had. Carla wants her ex to pay her what he’s supposed to and be a dad to their children. He’s not doing either, so she wants other people to know that behind his charming, successful veneer, he’s vile.
It’s a toxic brew of emotions. But the emotions will never affect the sociopath. They will only affect Carla, and possibly her children.
It seems to me that Carla needs to be able to separate what’s going on into four categories: financial considerations, the children, dealing with the ex and her emotional recovery.
Financial considerations
First of all, Carla needs to get her financial situation straightened out. If her ex is supposed to give her 26 accounts, she needs to get that enforced—soon, before the accounts are empty. I hope her attorneys put a time limit on when these accounts are supposed to be turned over, and specified exactly how much money she is supposed to receive. If not, she is in trouble.
Carla cannot allow her ex-husband to pay her bills. By letting him do this, she is allowing him to control her. He is deducting the money from her alimony? He is probably exaggerating the amount of the bills just to pay her less. Plus, he may decide to stop paying the bills, and she would never know it—until the cable service or electric is turned off. Carla must demand that she receive the full alimony, then get her bills in her own name.
Carla did not mention a house and mortgage. If the sociopath’s name is on the house or mortgage, that is a disaster waiting to happen. He may stop paying the mortgage and allow the house to slip into foreclosure. He wouldn’t care, but Carla would have no place to live.
The children
Carla complained that her ex won’t discuss the children with her and won’t offer any assistance as a father. He doesn’t call them during the week and only wants to play with them on his weekends. I’d recommend that Carla use this to her advantage.
Here is the bottom line: Sociopaths are terrible parents. At best, they view children as prized possession. At worst, they actively try to corrupt the children. Therefore, the less interaction a sociopath has with his or her children, the better.
Carla should actually be grateful that her ex is staying out of their children’s lives as much as he is. She should use her time with the children to shower them with love, nurture them and provide them with healthy guidance. None of that will happen when the boys are with their father. The kids will eventually sense that there is no real bond with the father. As time goes on, they may also witness him moving from girlfriend to girlfriend, and eventually start rolling their eyes at yet another one.
Carla needs to be their rock of stability. She also needs to stop badmouthing the father—even if he deserves it. This is important for two reasons. First is the emotional health of the children—they should not feel in the middle of her issues with the ex. Second, she does not want to give her ex the ammunition to come after her with a parental alienation lawsuit, in which she could lose custody of the boys.
Her best plan of action is the stay neutral about the father. One mother’s standard response whenever her children brought home news of the ex was a noncommittal, “That’s nice.”
Kids are smart. Sooner or later, they will realize that the sociopath cares only about himself.
Dealing with the ex
Carla asks, “Why is he so relentless? Why not leave me alone?”
Divorcing a sociopath is not like divorcing a relatively healthy person that you’ve just grown away from. In a normal divorce, mommy and daddy don’t want to be together anymore, but they can cooperate for the sake of the kids. This is not going to happen with a sociopath.
Sociopaths only want three things: Power, control and sex. Carla and the surgeon have divorced, but that doesn’t mean he has given up his desire for power and control.
Carla says her ex-husband is openly abusing her. She must eliminate his opportunities to do this and go No Contact with this man as much as possible. I don’t know if she is allowing him into her home, but she shouldn’t. The child exchange should be arranged to minimize interaction. Any communications regarding the children should be conducted via e-mail. Phone conversations give him opportunities to abuse her.
The key is for Carla to be strictly business. She must recognize that the sociopath will not play nice. He will do everything possible to avoid paying her. He will continue to manipulate her through the children. She must learn not to react when he baits her. She must learn to be calm and collected, yet make him toe the line on his court-ordered obligations.
Emotional recovery
All of this is pretty raw for Carla right now—the divorce was only three months ago. She is outraged. She is frustrated. Carla misses the status, money, vacations and cozy lifestyle of a surgeon’s wife. She is justifiably angry that he cheated and hid money, and probably still reeling from being devalued and discarded.
Realizing that she’s been in a relationship with a sociopath has probably rocked Carla to the core. Nothing was real. Everything was a lie. And plenty of people in the community still believe the lie. This is a massive shock, and it takes time to come to terms with the magnitude of the deception.
Recovery is a process, and there is a lot of information here on the Lovefraud blog that may help Carla:
- She must realize that the ex is a sociopath, and this is the way he lives his life. Nothing she did or didn’t do would make any difference.
- She must realize that she was targeted, probably because of her good qualities.
- She must allow herself to feel her anger, disappointment, grief and even hatred—and then let it all go.
This will take time, and will probably come in waves—a wave of emotion, followed by a wave of calm. Eventually the emotional periods will be shorter, the calm periods will be longer.
Carla is in for many years of aggravation with this man. She needs to get to a point of equanimity, where his antics no longer affect her. When she gets there, no matter what the guy does, Carla wins.
In many ways there are clear patterns with we deal with this type of sociopathic behavior. I happen to come across this site being told by a Mother concerning her child and herself when dealing with her now ex husband. When one reads it one can see the signs and red flags in those like her ex husband Mr. Smith…
http://michellesdivorceblog.blogspot.com/2009/04/all-about-me-well-here-is-little-update.html
Like so many members here often state, the names may change but the story is always repeated. The patterns (red flags) are always there is one knows what to look for..
James,
Funny thing about those red flags. A drama prone person got a bit too close to my life recently, and I shut the relationship down.
The old me would have put up with dozens of cycles of hysterics, tantrums and goofy emoting over nothing in particular. Then the old me would have gotten annoyed and broken contact. The new me said, “No way!” up front.
Sweet Peace! I do so love to live productively and well.
Carla,
I could have written your post word for word. I have been divorced form my sociopathic ex for 4 years now and it’s still a nightmare. My lawyer tells me that she will never be able to get my kids and me what we deserve.
In the early days, I let him still control me because I was scared. I was scared he would stop paying and I was scared he would try to take the kids. Well, it’s 4 years later and guess what? He’s stopped paying and is trying to take the kids. He’s telling them horrible things about me (10 and 12) and they come home from his house very angry. He checks up on them 4 and 5 times a day. He is threatening to take me to court again (which I can’t afford, but will do it for my kids).
Here’s what I’m doing and it makes me feel in control. And, maybe it will help us when we go to court. I have saved every email he has ever sent. I document everything…everything the kids tell me, everything they do. I have access to his “facebook” page through a friend and I get on there every day and copy and paste photos of him drinking, photos of their lavish house, photos of their vacations. I am putting it all together in a binder. My only hope is that someone will look at this and see his character.
It’s very frustrating and very scary. I went back to school and am almost finished with my license in Special Ed. Once I can get a job in the public schools, I will not be dependent on his money. I have met a great guy (which is the main reason my ex is flipping out) and we will probably get married next year.
It does get better….maybe not always easier….but if you can find a way to channel your hate, jealousy and fear, you will feel better. Be sneaky…..be businesslike…and get him back in the way it hurts him the most. My ex is fighting for more custody because he wants to reduce child suport. So, I’m fighting like mad not to let that happen. We’ll see.
Hang in there…you’re not alone.
Elizabeth Conley
Yes I too have seen some positive changes concerning myself whenever I come into contact with someone that is not being honest and upfront with me.
The old me would have spend more time and effort looking for other reasons, the new me see what’s really there. I still might try to maintain a “friendship” but with each sign I take a step back and not forwards.
“Sweet Peace! I do so love to live productively and well.”
Ditto and how sweet it is!!
Carla, I live a similar life. I won custody in a fight that she inititated. She moved away from me and our children. She makes a lot of money, while I stayed home with the children for many years, and am now unemployed.
Financially – Does your state child support services include garninshing/collecting wages for aliminony legal owed per a divorce decree? If so, apply for the service, and if not, apply for it just for child support. Going back to court over the accounts will be very costly. Not sure what to advise there. I went to court over my ex’s lack of paying children’s expenses, it cost me double what I may (order not received yet) receive, but may be worth it to alleviate future issues with this P.
Kids – What I learned through our children’s therapist is not to try to compete with the Disneyland parent. Just be a good parent, and try (I know how hard it is) not to trash talk you loser ex. In the long run your children will figure it all out. Do the best you can to raise them and be a loving mother. I suggest reading “Divorce Poison” to learn how both you and your ex are attempting to alienate your children, and to learn how to combat your ex in his attempted alienation. Alienation – we all do it, even if not conscience of it. I suggest you read that book.
Communication – Attempt to keep all communication written, emails, text, etc. Funny thing is when you go back a re-analyze what these P’s write, their motives become so transparent. They will project so much, attempt to make you look angry and hostile, use big words to describe your behavior in a negative manner. Try not to be tempted to respond to clear the air, it goes on deaf ears and just incites them to write again.
I got to the point where I have taken control of everything that I can. The balance has swayed to my side. I don’t flaunt it or rub her nose in it, because the control I have really has to do with what I do in the best interests of the children. Her control consists of saying “look, I have control”. Although successful, charming and the overall public does not see them for what they are, these people are weak losers, and you can overcome it.
Carla:
Fire your lawyer and get another. Your lawyer has been co-opted by your S.
In order to divide the accounts and get the money and property under your control you need executed “QDROs” — Qualified Domestic Relations Orders. Your state may call them something different. Both parties must sign them before the brokerages, banks, pension administrators, whatever, will divide the accounts and retitle them into your name.
If he won’t sign, your lawyer must go into court and ask the judge to hold him in contempt of court. That means jail/and or fines until S signs. Do it. If you have to leverage things higher, go to the state medical licensing board, the tax authorities, whomever you have to.
You must understand there is no reasoning with these non-human vehicles of discord. This all boils down to a fight for scarce resources — money and your future security. He is never going to be happy with any result which costs him one penny. Not your problem. Get clear about what you want, and then go after him guns blazing. These creatures only understand dollars and cents — and pure, unadulterated power. Mine didn’t respect me until I nailed him to a cross.
My concerns are for the children. Here is my advice. First, the children need to be in counseling. They are going to be manipulated and you need an ally to protect their mental health and professional records will be important later on. Right now, your ex is playing the buddy role. He is starting his manipulation process by buying them. There will come a time, that he will seek custody. He will do this, just to get to you. Right now, you need to keep a detailed journal, with dates and EVERYTHING that has to do with the kids. Do not say anything to the kids in regards to their father. This is what he is doing to them and the kids need you to be neutral and the better parent. Be ever so grateful that he has no contact with them for those 2 weeks. The less time they are around him, the better. I have been divorced from my SP ex for almost 10 yrs and he STILL tries to inject himself into my life. My daughter…well, she is a SP too. He taught her all the ways of a sociopath. I can’t save her, but I hope my words and experience can help someone else. Blessings and Peace to you!!
Carla,
This story of yours is pretty darn close to my experience with my Ex/S only I am now a year out from the divorce being finalized. It took a full year for me to get over the effects – just of what he did to me during the divorce and custody fight (he was very effective in his manipulation of the court and those who testified for him to the already biased custody evaluator, an ‘evaluator’ who doesn’t understand narcissicism and abuse) but I am ok now. Everything Donna writes is true, and if I can get through it then you can, too. You will – in steps or phases, all frustrating but it will keep getting better. Your coping skills will keep getting better but cut yourself some slack.
Fear is an awful thing, especially when it comes to your children and your role as mother and primary caregiver. I still struggle with that but am getting better. Surrounding myself with good, normal people who validate that I am normal and doing an outstanding job as a mother, that my kids are great and who recognize how difficult it is trying to manage it all alone and under these circumstances.
My Ex does not leave me alone either. He is pissed off that I am still standing, that I look good and appear to have a great life without him, without being under his control. I can go into more detail if you wish later about specifics on how I do this. It takes focus and patience and deep understanding of what I need to be solid and what I need to do to help my children mature into normal, healthy and productive adults. I am on a mission…and always considering what my desired outcome is for everyone.
My Ex has also moved on to a new younger victim, another lonely woman with no children, too young and inexperienced to be able to see through him and he wants to use her to replace me with my children. But that is NOT going to happen. She is nice, innocent and good for my kids – when they are with their dad because it makes that world more pleasant and peaceful. I support her in her role whether I ever get any credit for it or not. My kids know that and know they cannot manipulate ME in this situation. Trust me, I’m resolved but it’s NOT easy.
I do feel bad for her because she will be in pain someday realizing that he and his world are not what she bought into and that will be sad. Nothing I can do for her now but will be sympathetic down the road…so try not to see the girlfriend as part of what is evil, just feel sorry for her and focus on your kids.
Yes, on the counseling for the kids and for yourself. do what you have to do to protect your health and sanity, and they are very much connected. your kids need you to be as good and solid as possible. You have allies here and I promise you that if you are patient and diligent you will find many people around you who will ‘get it’ and support you. My Ex will not have as easy of a time the next go-round if he chooses to do battle with me again.
I couldn’t read everything here yet – have to come back later – but did see Samantha’s post and ditto everything she says. Very similar here – document everything, detach and become business-like. I use NC as much as possible but give him enough rope…
So much more on this subject but have to get back to kids and house issues. Please seek me out if you think I can help.
D
Also for Carla and anyone going through the same early stages:
You are normal in what you are feeling now. took me forever to get that concept.
And you are righteous in learning here and learning to protect yourself and your children if you had some with an S.
It will get easier if you follow the advice here, esp around no contact. work on eliminating fear and trusting and believing in yourself. takes a leap of faith but it will come.
don’t fight the grieving – let it out in a safe and well-supported way that doesn’t affect your kids. but find balance in your grieving. I can say that for every bad thing that has happened or every bad effect from all of this, something good or positive has come my way – I just had to look for it and claim it.
Yesterday Elizabeth C wrote: “Why care?”
I CARE! Like Carla’s Ex, he took to paying my “unpaid debts” and deducting from the monthly alimony that I needed for medications! Last December, I did hire a lawyer to file a contempt of court to retrieve $$ owed me. But like Carla’s lawyer, the lawyer first shot him a snail mail letter to sign — which of course he refused to sign (AS I KNEW HE WOULDN’T) I won’t use that lawyer (who doesn’t know beans about sociopaths again.)
I made an error by calling it a credit “score” rather than my credit “record.” Sorry about that.
I don’t have the energy to explain the ongoing problem — except to tell you that my “unpaid debts” were only several LATE payments because I had been in the HOSPITAL. I had already contacted each one to explain and they understood and took off the late fee in each case. In each case, I had already paid the so-called “missing” payment. I suppose that didn’t show up on the credit record!!
I think what made me so ANGRY was that one of the debts he paid (out of the goodness of his heart SURE, ha ha!) was a self-loan for my Ph.D. tuition. I had been in contact with them for over 3 months to negotiate the total remainder after PROVING to them that I am now officially totally disabled. One month later, my application was approved. He spent that money totally foolishly!
No, that one is only part of it. The self-loan itself had been against my explicit wishes when he took it out years ago. I wanted to pay it with inheritance from my mother. NO, he wanted to have me spend her money on household bills! (I never succeeded in any “argument” with him during the whole 46.5 years!!!) The reminder of that “scam” back in December when I hired the lawyer (who didn’t “get” sociopaths!) almost put me over the edge — and I had been doing pretty well out here alone for the previous 6 years! At least, I was able to release some recidual anger — which felt good!
And, did i know HIS social security number? I knew his mother’s maiden name, of course, but his SS # was only one piece of information that a wife SHOULD know.
For everyone’s information, my credit record and score can not be accessed by anyone without my approval now. The damage had been done before I even knew it was being done!