In an article in the New York Times, writer Abby Ellin explains the concept of “coercive control” a pattern of behavior in which one partner in a romantic relationship dominates his or her partner. She writes:
Coercive control describes an ongoing and multipronged strategy, with tactics that include manipulation, humiliation, isolation, financial abuse, stalking, gaslighting and sometimes physical or sexual abuse.
England and Wales have just passed a law making coercive or controlling behavior a form of domestic violence. The United States should do the same.
With coercive control, the abuse is psychological, on NYTimes.com.
Not Knowing About Sociopaths = Big Red Flags Missed
Ladybugg, sociopaths live a double and sometimes a triple life. So you might not think that he has cheated but maybe he has (obviously I dont know). What I do know is that my ex cheated and during my marriage I though he cheated more then once but he had my mind so twisted up I could not see things clearly.
When I left I sat on a counselors couch and told her that I thought he cheated 8-12 times. She said it was problamly more like 3 to 4 times that as that is exactly what sociopaths do…they have endless affairs. Not saying your ex is this way but think back to see if there was any time that you felt like he had cheated or he was on his phone endlessly.
One of the times I left him and went to a friends how without telling him was two days before our anniversary. On our anniversary he took a woman he met the night before out to dinner. YEP on our anniversary…he did not care about me or our marriage. But I was so emotional that I could not see that I was being emotionally abused.
Even though he took this woman out he still was begging for me to come back. And once I got on the phone with him he sucked me back in. No way before him would I EVER put up with the crap he dished out to me.
But sociopaths train us to accept their horrible behavior. Your ex trained you Ladybugg.
Write down on a piece of paper or here why you should leave him include on their that he is out with another woman right now.
Ladybugg, when dealing with a sociopath you will never be right ever even when you are right.
They will aways twist and turn everything around for fun…they get a quick out of confusing people. Your ex is playing a manipulative mind game with you every time you talk with him.
This is why the no contact rule works…it allows you to clear your mind and see EVERY thing he is doing to screw with your mind.
You will never have a normal conversation or discussion to fix your relationship.
Overtime you talk with him on the phone you will end up on the Hamster Wheel spinning to Nowheresville.
The conversation will just go round and round until you just get mentally exhausted. This is what they want once you are exhausted he will have control over you again mental. They are masters at these mind games.
I knew my h was screwing with my mind once I left him for good. And I knew instinctively not to answer the phone or answer a text, email because emotionally it made me feel a emotional mess.
I then just stopped even though at that point I did not know about the No contact rule. Once I stopped not easy when you are going throw a divorce I took back my control over my mind and my life.
Ladybugg, one of the things I did when I first left my ex h when I got triggered like you tonight was READ everything up at the top of Lovefraud and watched the Videos up at the top too over and over. It would remind me why I left him…it would open my mind up from my h brain washing. It really does work.
When I got angry I read every thing again, when I was sad I read everything again, when I sobbed I read.
Also look at the site
Psychoapthyawareness. wordpress. com it’s full of good info also.
Please know that you deserve so much better then what you were settling with, with him. He will not treat his next vicim any differently then he treated you.
Hugs to you 💚
I know you are all trying to help but I don’t know what I am gonna do I will probably go back over there tomorrow and beg again to be taken back just to end this feeling I hate it!! I can’t stand it I literally want to pull out my own hair!! It’s crazy I have said for years this man had to have put some bad mojo on my ass or something!! I can’t sleep my body literally crawls and it’s all I can do to not just go over there now or at 6:30 when he get’s up and talk to him. It’s all about ending this feeling!! He is not letting me come back over there this time anyway “it’s all my fault” for leaving he says and It would take a good few months to fix things this time. I said oh ya you think I am gonna just trust that you won’t be with someone else while you won’t let me come over there! He says see you din’t trust me so why do you care! I did he is the one who made me think I couldn’t I honestly think he just sits over there knowing it’s torturing me is enough for him he does not need anyone else. He’s just seeing how far he can push me over the edge. By refusing to see me. Just like him refusing to text then calling hanging up on me. Getting me upset by something he said but then he said no more text so I was suppose to stop and not say anything back to him. Well I sent one more text about his text and then I am being rude and I never care what he wants. Then I stopped texting just to have him call as soon as I was call and hang up on me again not liking what I said. …just to repeat the scenario twice more and all I wanted was for him to let me come over and he wouldn’t.
Ladybugg,
I hope you got some rest last night.
It is likely that he is listening to your songs to gain insights into how to manipulate you, not because he cares about your music.
The way you are feeling is normal. People, women in particular, are programmed/created to have monogamous relationships. The reason cheating is wrong is because it hurts one’s partner and destroys trust.
You recognize that you naturally feel bad about the thought of him being emotionally or physically intimate with other women. It is normal that you feel that way; and it works well in a marriage to a good man.
It sounds like your ex is doing everything he can to stir up your natural feelings and to cause you to feel over the top anxiety. He is deliberately making you feel this way by hinting that he’s cheating or going to cheat. He is emotionally torturing you. He is not choosing to keep his marriage vows nor to reassure you that he will keep them so that you will feel secure. He is not cherishing you nor loving you, which he likely promised to do unconditionally when he married you. He is engaging in torture sports with you as a victim. That is why you feel so horrible – he is doing it to you on purpose. Like my ex psychopath, he chooses to hurt you because he likes to do it. There is no reason for him to change, because the reasons that normal people don’t harm others on purpose don’t have any meaning for him. It is an absolutely horrible truth, the concept still makes me sick. It is evil.
Remember James 4:7, resist Satan and he will flee from you. Satan is using your ex to test you. Remember 1 Cor 10:13, God does not allow Satan to test us beyond what we can overcome. Therefore God knows that you are strong enough and have the resources you need to resist the temptation to go back and allow yourself to be harmed. I know it is an unbelievably strong temptation. Even if it relieves your current pain, it is almost certain things will not get better; and the next round of the cycle will be more painful and more destructive to you. You are valuable, and you are worth protecting from his harming you.
Consider that once you break NC, you can’t undo it; but you can always go back to him. Maybe set a short term goal for yourself – that you won’t contact him today. Tomorrow you can reevaluate.
He is the one who is making you feel that way you do. You will feel better and you will have a good and happy life, but not if you ever interact with him. The sooner you end contact, the sooner you will feel better. That is how it was for me, but I know how hard it is. It took me forever to make the commitment to NC, and I caved several times.
Here’s some info on NC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4uKGp_qvPE
He knows you well enough to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do, which is contact him and beg to get back together. He likely knows when you will come to him wanting to get back together as well as you know.
When you succeed in maintaining NC, he will likely contact you and try to get you to play the victim in his torture sports games. It won’t mean he’s changed. It means he doesn’t want to lose the power and control he feels.
I found Sandra Brown’s (she wrote Women Who Love Psychopaths) guided meditation tape very helpful when I was feeling desperate. It is calming. It helped me get my mind back to thinking the way I want to think, not the way my ex psychopath wanted me to think. It helped me get free of the hypnosis he did on me.
All the pain you feel is because of things your ex chose to do and say. If you don’t have any more contact with him, he can’t cause you any more harm going forward.
Thank you AnnettePK the only thing that makes me crazy is the panic and yes that gets worse not better when I don’t talk to him! I ordered that CD Sat. So ya I hope it does something for me, thank you for all your help.😊
I relate to what you’re going through now. It’s the absolute worst; it’s a horror. Just about everyone here on this site has experienced how difficult it is to get free. It took me forever. It does relieve the pain to get back together, but it’s temporary. Resisting the urge to contact made me stronger, gave me my power over myself back. Feeling better was a slow process. I am now 3-4 years out and I barely remember my ex’s middle name. Now that I am thinking clearly I understand that the only reason I got involved with him was based on his lies and his fake self. If I knew the truth about him and how he really feels about me, I would never have gotten involved. He tricked me on every level, in order to trap me.
I felt like you do, but now I am so glad he’s gone and I regret every second I wasted with him. Time I could have spent with my son, my family, my friends, working, learning, hiking, etc. It was a huge waste.
You might make a list of reasons to go back to him and reasons not to. It may help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.
Thank you sooo much that is why I got the CD there is only one reason now and it would be to get the panicking to stop I can honestly say I know I don’t even love him. I have told him for years he tricked me and if he was who he really was he would not have gotten a second date. Yes I have him blocked again. Who ever told me to get the psycopath free book. Thx Thx Thx cuz One one of things that was making me feel “guilty” was giving up on him abandoning him like his ex. That was all a ploy and he actually abandoned her!! Yes yes yes to the trapped my head constantly been filled with thoughts of being trapped!! It is also part of why I panick that’s part of the trap miserable with him but physically panicky miserable with out him! I have even had thoughts it will never end and the only way out is suicide! I know that is the Devil though I KNOW THIS ALL IS!! GOD has a BIG plan for me I am a country/gospel singer song writer and The DEVIL does not want my God given messages heard he is trying to destroy me in anyway he can.
You guys just keep talking to me and I found another forum through psycopath free so if ya’ll are busy surly I will find someone in another forum to talk to through the panic and I will read psalms too! Thank you for everything if I can just get through this panic I will be fine! That is really all that’s left. That’s a very freeing thought!! Thanks sooo much!!
No I never caught anything like that, never saw anything but when I was gone and that is why I panic cuz I know he is seeing if not talking to someone else!! I even came home when I was supposed to be staying out singing cuz he would say stuff that made me suspicious but he was always alone watching T.V.
Nope shear panic the longer I am gone he’ll move on for good and I have no clue why I even care. He’s not even my type never has been I always felt I was settleing. He did these over the top grand gestures and just won my heart though. I tried to kick him to the curb a couple of times ,but he was so destroyed and showed/proved he would do ANYTHING to show how much he loved me. That ended immediately after we got married. Yes you are right though he does put on a show infront of others toward me he got tired of doing it so he made it so he would not come to my parents house (which they hate everything about him and what he does to me anyway) he also completely quit going out with me at all. Shows absolutly no interest in my music to me. But then I saw he anonymously subscribed to my Utube channel I asked why he couldn’t act like he was interested to me! He said you think you know everything so I just let you think what you want. I ask him to listen to a song I just cut he goes out of his way to act uninterested!
@Ladybugg
Certainly you will do what you choose but I really suggest you take up running (even if that is crawling, assuming you are as out of shape as me — ha ha). Everytime you begin to consider going back RUN! That is what I’m doing. Everytime you get jealous thinking of him with another woman RUN!!
Deep down you believe it is you and if he pretends another woman is making him happy you will feel you failed. You remember the luring stage. They are not happy, you were not what they told you, it was all lies to get this deep into you they can destroy you because that is the only pleasure they can feel.
Let’s assume for one moment he has no diagnosis of a personality disorder of any type. Instead he’s just a miserable human who after he proved to himself he could get you is psychologically dismantling you bit by bit.
Thirty one years into this marriage with my problem he’s isolated me completely. I have never met my grandchildren etc….. He has never laid a hand on me, violently. Matter of fact the ‘love of my life’ has deliberately not touched me in 12 years, no sex, no hand holding, nothing. He drove my children away, my friend and my family. I exist in complete and utter isolation. The only sound I hear is a TV.
I am completely alone now and feel as if I am insane (by his design most of the time). My children refuse to talk to me or help in any way. I have zero other human contact.
This can be your future too if you embrace someone so miserable that the only joy they get from life is from tearing the wings off flies.
I hope you are stronger than I was. I hope you can get away.
Good luck
Dear anyone,
What you said about getting a hobby and if you don’t get away you will be left with nothing resonates with me. I realized that if I didn’t leave the spath for good I would have no children, no friends in my life, no chance of happiness and would only know frustration, anger, panic and fear. Leaving wasn’t easy it required dismantling my entire life. I had a lot of fear and uncertainty at first (I still do but it doesn’t consume me). When I felt frustrated over his latest cruel act or the fact my divorce is at a standstill I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I make myself focus on something else by removing myself from an environment which fosters negative feelings. I always come home feeling much better than if I stayed at home and stewed in my negative emotions.
thank you for the advise Becomingstrong!
Hi Anyone, your post breaks my heart. Hugs to you!
I just want you to know that the isolation that the sociopath does is one of the worst mind manipulation they do. But I also want you to also know that you can connect with the outside world. Dont let your husband control your mind…break free from his control by reaching out to the outside world. Connecting to the outside world is like a bird escaping a cage.
PLEASE dont stay in your abusers isolation world. Reach out.
Go to church even if you are not religious just sitting in the church during a Sunday mass will help you connect with people or Join a church group or you can go to the site Meetup. com and find a club, organization or group to join so that you have contact with the outside world.
Meetup. com is a free site that list clubs, organization and groups in your community. I would suggest that you join a all female group since you are vulnerable right now. If you had a hobby or dreams of doing some type of craft then join that type of group or a dinner group etc.
I would also suggest that you contact your local abuse center and go to free counseling and women group meetings. This is a good way to have emotional support for what you are enduring on a daily bases. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline to also talk with a free counselor and they can provide the phone numbers for your local abuse center.
In the USA The National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE…out side the USA just google your countries name with the words National Domestic Violence hotline.
The stress that a vicim is under daily causes many physical & mental issues with our bodies and will cause depression & anxiety just to name a few. Depression & anxiety will slow your brain functioning down.
You should consider a full physical including testing for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency and hormonal balancing. These are all issues that will keep a vicim of abuse “stuck” in their mindset. Once tested the doctor will know which vitamins & minerals & hormonal balancing to give you and you will be shocked at how your mindset will give you a positive outlook once again and give you the clarity to find the door out of your marriage.
Look into an ***Endocrinologist doctor*** to test you for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance. For me this was a God sent when I first left my h (now ex h).
Google:
DrLam. com (see his symptoms list)
Adrenalfatigue. org (see his symptoms list)
“Dr Amen depression you tube” to watch his video. (google words in “ “)
“Dr Amen PBS you tube” (google all the worlds to watch his video)
Dr Amen has many books on healing the brain…your local library might have some and also they are on amazon & his site Amenclinic. com
Keep reaching out here to share more of your story with all of us. WE HEAR YOU ANYONE!!
Hugs to you!! 💚
Wishing you all the best. Take care.
Ladybugg-
You’re totally correct about running, or doing any kind of physical activity that raises your endorphins. Our neuropeptides and hormones control our emotions. Even when we suffer severe psychological damage, we can bring ourselves into a better state of mind by physical exercise.
Another excellent activity for people who’ve experienced deep-rooted emotional pain is yoga. You might find the blog, Love, Life, Om very helpful.
When I’m not writing or blogging, I’m a tennis pro (and real estate broker) in real life. Playing and teaching tennis literally saved my life! If I’m really upset about something and can’t find a friend to play with, I hook my Australian Shepherd to his leash and play fetch with him against the handball wall. I created a little game. If I hit the ball 5 times in a row, I get the point. If he catches it before I get to 5, he gets the point. Guess who usually wins!
Here’s another recommendation to get you back into human contact… find a volunteer organization that you can help out with. It could be a soup kitchen, a church store, a museum. Whatever it is, it’ll put you back into human contact, make you feel good about yourself, and probably open the door to new friendships.
Like you, I’m estranged from my son. Not a day goes by without my suffering that loss. There is nothing you can do to change the mindset of people. But you can build yourself a meaningful life that does not include them. It’ll put their role in your life in much better perspective.
Wishing you all the best!
Joyce
Believe him when he says he has no emotions and believe that he has not feelings toward you or anyone else. I was married to a man like this and he almost killed me by making me think I was the crazy one. Everyone thought he was the perfect husband because he pretended to be in public. I got out but I had children with him so he has haunted my life for 50 years. He is not capable of loving anyone so run as fast as you can. He moved out of our house to live with another woman and I was grateful for her taking him off of my hands. We had been separated before and he kept tying to come back and make me feel sorry for him. This kind of abuse is worse than physical abuse. I have experienced both.
yes ma’am Delores that is what he is trying to make me think and everyone else! he in the past has riled me up to get me going over text. I then found saved pictures of our text in his computer. I asked him why. I said “I can see no reason with good intent to keep them.’ he said ‘you are not in my head you don’t know how I think.” I know it was just to try to make me look bad later. I had the same thing with him acting perfect to. he’ll act that way till the mask comes off! then he avoids them.
Ladybugg,
I have been where you are. It is terrible to feel like you have to be with such a bad person, but you have been groomed and nurtured to feel this way even when he was bad to you. Do as the others above have said, walk, run, do yoga, get a hobby. The longer you are away from him the clearer your thinking will be. It isn’t going to happen quickly, but it will eventually be less intense. It has been 2.5 years for me and once and awhile I feel panicked about wanting to see him or feel sorry for him. It never lasts long and I have to remember how bad it was and remember how much better my life is now. Then I am ok again or I go for a walk or a run.
Be strong sister. Even if you go back, it won’t be over. You have to make it over. No contact would be best.
Thank you Learningtoolate
I just learned that there are two types of yoga that help best to restore the over all natural health of our body’s (our adrenaline gland function,immune system, as well as nerveous system) they are AIYA yoga therapy and restorative yoga. I am hoping to get started soon!!
Donna your test comment came to my inbox notifications but I can not find it in the forum…just so you know. Thank you so much to everybody I have not had any contact what so ever with him since Monday when I sent him that text and email. Blocked him and have not read any trash emails! If I see his address I just delete it and do not read one word I know even if it’s nice It will turn to poison later!!
Everyday I notice things he has changed about me. Made me so defensive, and I have been coming off argumentative because of it. I think allot “I hate who I have become” today has been good though!😊I am waiting for my restorative yoga stuff to get here and working on myself. I hope everyone is doing ok! Have a blessed Sunday. As I said before I check email quite often so if anyone needs to talk I will be around. Stay strong…we can all do this.
Thanks Ladybugg – we’re working out the “buggs” of the upgrade! LOL
It sounds like you’re doing better!
Donna, Terry & sweet Bo, thank you for working on your weekend to update your wonderful site for all of us to find our way to a better life. 💜You are saving lives!!
I second that thank you very much I agree full heartedly!!
Hi Ladybugg, you are STRONGER then you know! Bravo for Blocking your ex fully!!
Yes, they make changes in us during the relationship but with time, self awareness of your own behavior and making some changes you will return to your old self but even stronger.
One thing I read in this post (and all your post) is you are a kind person…you are going through hell now sorting out your own life but you still have kindness, compassion & respect for all of us. GREAT quality to have Ladybugg!! your core values have not change remember this!!
Wishing you a great Week!! 💜
ps congrats on full No contact since Monday!!
Thank you Jan7 I am trying and I know I am not totaly gone I just see so many reactions I even have with other people that I didn’t and I just want to be happy go lucky. I do know my core values have not been changed I just don’t like the split second reactions at times. Then my core values have me crying in a heap because I think I upset someone (and they always end up saying I thought they were more upset then they actually were) I just have to wait for the hyper sensitivity to go away!! I will be fine…. It will all just take time!!
Ok people’s I am so completely screwed!! I was reading the psycopath free book only to find I can’t even take the personality test! The Myers Briggs one I can’t answer the questions I don’t know. I literally don’t know who I am! That in itself has caused so much anxiety. Where it really doesn’t matter cuz I have done nothing but cry since 5:30 this morning. I know why I can’t answer the questions. Because I am a very literal person and if I answered the way I know I am. It would be a lie to who I am right now! I also can’t lie I am honest to a fault! How could I possibly recover by focusing on this person he created that I hate! I answer with who I was and want to be again and I am lieing!!
Hi Ladybugg, dont forget to breath!!
When you leave a sociopath and open up your mind from all the brain washing and abuse they did to you…it is normal to go into panic mode thinking you dont know who you are…Almost every victim of sociopathic abuse goes thru this emotional pain stage.
YOU ARE NOT LIKE HIM LADYBUGG!!!!
You are normal…you were thrusted into his dysfunctional world were he brain washed you, used gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment installed fear & phobia’s just like a cult leader does to a cult follower…you have escaped and now you are opening your mind up to the truth…It takes time to find yourself again. But you WILL return towards your old self but stronger!!!
it’s scary the emotions you are feeling right now but remember your hormones are all over the place because of the stress you were under during your relationship and now that you left and are finding out the truth..
How do I know you are not like your ex?
Because you show compassion, kindness, EMPATHY for others here on this site!!! Sociopaths do not show these towards others…they do not show empathy!!!
Please dont take that “Personality test”…instead just keep educating yourself on sociopathic abuse and how to spot one and related it to your ex. Keep going to your counselor and contact your local abuse center and GO to the free women group meetings. They will open your eyes to just how your ex manipulated you into doing things like him. But you are NOT like him…keep freeing your mind.
Keep looking at old photos of yourself & your family, share old stories with family & friends, go visit old spots like schools, places you went to before you meet your ex. This will help you to remember who you TRULY are!!
THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING IS NORMAL WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR EX SOCIOPATH….you start question who you are….YOU ARE NOT A SOCIOPATH like he is!! You are a good kind hearted normal person.
You are a normal person who got sucked into a sociopath hell.
Hugs to you!! 💜💜💜 When you start to panic put your hand on your heart and focus on your breathing it will help you to calm down and see that everything is going to be ok.
We are hear for you!! Take care.
How are you defining who you are? By what you do, or how you feel? By what others think of you?
I understand that you feel very insecure about yourself and who you are right now. Like Jan7 says, that is normal when under a spath’s spell. Spaths want their victims to feel that way because it helps them control their victims. Your ex probably worked very hard doing everything he could to diminish and dismantle your sense of self, your boundaries, your likes and dislikes, your goals, your values.
You will get back in touch with your inner strength and your sound mind. It sounds like your core values are intact. You are committed to honesty. That is a rare treasure, especially these days.
Thank you AnnettePK yes I am looking at who I have been lately because of him and to think his favorite thing to say was “I can’t make you feel or act anyway” and therapist say that to so I believed it! Bull dunkey!! His provoking and suggestions (trancing) what ever most certainly did cause out of the norm feelings and actions so a therapist can say that, but they better be sure they know what they are dealing with. This level of brain washing changes a person and yes they are doing it!
I have a good therapist now he says you never had these reactions before him right? No him… they will go away!! So I am feeling tons better today thank you all for your sweet compassionate words. Oh and You say honesty is a treasure he absolutly hated that I was honest. He use to say “you use the truth as a weapon” well honey if the truth feels like a weapon to you. You must not be happy with it! UNBEILEVABLE!!
That he found honesty threatening made me think of Ephesians 5:10-18. The first item of the Armor of God for the purpose of defending ourselves against the devil’s schemes (verse 6), is the Belt of Truth, (verse 14), that is honesty.
he always spoke with a forked tongue that is the scripture that kept running through my head “beware of those who speak with a forked tongue.” heard that over and over in my head!
those are some awesome scriptures too though I will keep them in mind thanks AnnettePK!!
Where is the ‘forked tongue’ verse? I’m not familiar with it.