Over the last six months we have received many letters from desperate family members asking, “How can I get my ____ away from the psychopathic con artist?” What family members are really asking for is advice on how to overcome the brain washing of a loved one. When answering these kinds of questions, I like to provide some scientific evidence validating my point of view. Unfortunately, a search of the scientific literature, using the terms coercive persuasion, brain washing and mind control, does not reveal much. This week I will share some of what I have come to understand about how one person can assume control over another. Next week I will discuss how to overcome mind control by a psychopath.
Scientific studies are the best way to gain information about psychology. When these are lacking, it is valid to turn to authorities or experts for guidance. When learning from an authority, we must critically evaluate all claims made. From what I have been able to determine, there are two authorities in the United States on the topic of mind control or brain washing. Behavioral scientists also call this coercive persuasion.
The first authority who has taught a great deal on this subject is Steven Alan Hassan. He is a licensed counselor and former member of the Unification Church. He operates the Freedom of Mind Center. According to Hassan, “destructive mind control takes the ‘locus of control’ away from an individual.” He further states there are four basic tactics used to achieve mind control and allow for “an individual’s identity (to) be systematically manipulated and changed.” These four things are remembered with the acronym BITE, and are behavior, information, thoughts and emotions.
Behavior control starts with one person’s regulation of another individual’s physical reality. Our physical reality means the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the amount of sleep we get, how we spend our time and how we spend our money. There are rigid rules and regulations the controlled person is supposed to abide by regarding these. Over time, this behavior control fosters dependency. The controlled person gets used to not behaving autonomously.
All the authorities I read identify information control as central to mind control. Donna said in her last week’s post, Sociopaths at first don’t act like jerks, in the beginning those wishing to take control use deception to make themselves look good. They deliberately hold back information and distort important facts. This allows them to get a foot hold in a person’s life. After the foot hold is established, the controller makes sure to isolate the person from information potentially damaging to the relationship.
Thought control is established as the controller encourages the person to adopt an “us vs. them” mentality. Any attempt by the controlled to criticize or question the controller is punished. The controller withdraws affection or otherwise induces fear in the person. Faced with this punishment, the controlled uses the defense mechanisms of denial, rationalization, justification or wishful thinking to survive.
Lastly brain washing involves manipulation of emotions. The controller uses tactics that narrow the range of the controlled’s emotional experience. The controlled experiences extremes of emotions, highs and lows that keep him/her off balance.
Nothing controls behavior like guilt and fear. (Note this is true only for people who are not sociopathic.) Controllers are experts at inducing guilt of all sorts. Hassan identifies many types of guilt: identity guilt; family guilt; guilt over past deeds; guilt over present thoughts, feelings and actions. Controllers also subtly induce fear. The controlled fears thinking independently, fears the “outside” world, enemies, leaving or being shunned by the controller. The controlled also fears the controller’s disapproval.
Ultimately the goal of all the emotional manipulation is “phobia indoctrination” or the programming of irrational fears of ever leaving the controller or even questioning the controller’s authority. According to Hassan, “The person under mind control cannot visualize a positive, fulfilled future without (the controller).”
Unfortunately, my next respected authority Dr. Margaret Singer passed away at the age of 82 in 2003. There are several articles by Dr. Singer posted on factnet.org. Lawrence Wollersheim co-founder of factnet.org, is also a former cult member. I highly recommend reading Dr. Singer’s articles. The first is entitled Coercive Mind Control Tactics also details the techniques of brain washing.
The Supreme Court of the United States has adopted some of Dr. Singer’s ideas and has recognized that, “…the weakness resulting from a lack of food, sleep, or medical care can eliminate the will to resist as readily as the fear of a physical blow. Hypnosis, blackmail, fraud, deceit, and isolation are also illustrative methods but it is unnecessary here to canvas the entire spectrum of nonphysical machinations by which humans coerce each other. It suffices to observe that one can imagine many situations in which nonphysical means of private coercion can subjugate the will of a servant.”
Dr. Singer writes “In such a program the subject is forced to adapt in a series of tiny ‘invisible’ steps. Each tiny step is designed to be sufficiently small so the subjects will not notice the changes in themselves or identify the coercive nature of the processes being used. The subjects of these tactics do not become aware of the hidden organizational purpose of the coercive psychological program until much later, if ever. These tactics are usually applied in a group setting by well intentioned but deceived ‘friends and allies’ of the victim. This keeps the victim from putting up the ego defenses we normally maintain in known adversarial situations.
“The coercive psychological influence of these programs aim to overcome the individual’s critical thinking abilities and free will apart from any appeal to informed judgment. Victims gradually lose their ability to make independent decisions and exercise informed consent. Their critical thinking, defenses, cognitive processes, values, ideas, attitudes, conduct and ability to reason are undermined by a technological process rather than by meaningful free choice, rationality, or the inherent merit or value of the ideas or propositions being presented.”
There are times when trying to influence someone does not constitute mind control. To further clarify what mind control is, Dr. Singer wrote a list of acceptable influence tactics. These are:
• Reflection
• Clarification
• Discussion
• Information Giving
• Directed Questioning
• Creative Expression
• Advisory/Therapeutic
• Commenting on Problem or alternatives
• Suggesting Ideas
• Recommending solutions
• Rational argument (message oriented)
Unacceptable influence tactics which do, indeed, suggest mind control are:
• Selective reward/punishment
• Denigration of self and of critical thinking
• Dissociative states to suppress doubt and critical thinking
• Alternation of harshness/threats and leniency/love
• Control-oriented guilt induction
• Active promotion of dependency
• Debilitation
• Physical restraint/punishment
Those of us who fell into the grip of a sociopath/psychopath recognize these techniques of mind control that are also used by cult leaders. Anyone who would want to exert this kind of power over another person is by definition a sociopath. Sociopathy/psychopathy is a set of personality traits that includes an excessive drive for power and control.
Cult leaders use human nature to gain power over others. It is human nature to respect authority and want to live peacefully in a group. Cult leaders exploit the desire people have to belong to a well-functioning group.
Perpetrators of love fraud also exploit human nature. Most people want to belong to a loving, well-functioning family. Sociopaths begin their relationships promising happiness to their victims. People in love relationships are even more vulnerable to brain washing than people joining cults. The reason is that sex makes people vulnerable. It is no coincidence that many cults use sex to trap people. Pregnancy is also used to trap women psychologically and physically in relationships and in cults.
A non-pathological loving relationship is freeing. In it, a person becomes more fully him/herself. Love enables a person to be self-actualized and his/her best. I will conclude with the motto of factnet.org-Because only You have the right to control Your Mind!
Please check out the book “Divorce Poison” by Richard Warshak. This is an incredibly informative book and deals specifically with the type of mind control that is used by a parent to alienate the children from the other parent in divorce situations.
Dear nottakingitanymore,
By any chance, does your ex have the initials JW and live in Maui? If that is you, I would love to talk to you.
Aloha Traveler
I have not read the embedded links yet, so this info might be mentioned.
Years ago, I learned about Biderman’s Chart of Coercion in trying to understand and cope with a “controller”! The chart was developed from a study during the 1950s about the tactics used on prisoners of war in Korea to brainwash and force compliance.
While it does not specifically refer to sociopaths, it is based on a scientific study about brainwashing and it fits with much of what Dr. Liane’s post discusses. Anyone can google “Biderman’s chart of Coercion” and find more info.
Thank you Dr. Liane for your post about this subject. I am going to print it and keep it handy! Very valuable info!
Divorce Poisoning is a good book that explains how children can be brainwashed. I believe my ex uses the above strategies to try to brainwash my own children. Luckily for me, my children live with me, so I have some control in trying to stop or limit the influence he has on them. Yesterday (Sunday), I went to a wedding that was over two hours away. My ex was scheduled to pick up my boys at my house at 5:30pm and bring them to my 11 year old’s football game. They then would sleep over his house. My original plan was to have my oldest son babysit the younger ones while I was gone, but then he was given the opportunity to go somewhere fun during the day. On Friday night, my son called my ex to ask if it was ok if he pick the oldest one up at our house as originally planned, but pick up the other two boys at my brother’s house which is five minutes from here. When asked, my ex hung up on my son. This caused a lot of anxiety for the younger two boys. They went into a tail spin, worrying that now their dad wouldn’t come at all because the older one changed the plans. My ex did not answer the phone most of the day on Saturday. He only returned the call when my 11 year old left a message asking his permission if it was ok for him to go to a wiffle ball tournament Saturday night. He told him he would be back at 10:00 pm that night. My 11 year old feels the need to get his father’s permission to do anything. He calls him every time he is asked to go anywhere even during my time with him. When I try to discourage him from calling, my son fills up with tears and says he “has” to call him. Anyway, my ex immediately called back after receiving this message. He told him he couldn’t go to the wiffle ball tournament because he had a football game the next day and he wouldn’t play his best because he would be too tired. He did however (being the wonderful dad he is) tell my son that he would pick him up at my brother’s house so he could sleep over the next day. My son got off the phone in tears. Inside he must have felt happy that his dad agreed to pick him up the next day, but sad that he couldn’t go to the tournament. His friend’s mother happened to witness the call and was shocked that my son would no longer go to the wiffle ball tournament. She had witnessed his excitement in being asked to participate. Being the nice person she is, she promised my son to bring him home at 8:30, so he could still go.
There is still more. The next day, my youngest son who is nine was invited to his friend’s house. This friend also plays football, so the mother said she would meet my ex at the field at 5:30 with my son. Apparently, when my ex found out these plans, he said he refused to come pick up my 11 year old up for his game. My daughter said my 11 year old was again in tears because he thought he was going to miss the game (I was at the wedding). My son couldn’t reach him all day yesterday, and my daughter said he was really upset. Again, being the wonderful dad he is, he did show up at 5:30pm and took him to the game. Now all three boys are with him. My kids live on an emotional roller coaster. When they get home, they’ll probably come in with bags and bags of new clothes and shoes, they will for sure not make contact with me for a while, they’ll probably accuse me of something absurd, and the cycle goes on and on and on…
As I was reading this, i saw that every brainwash tactic was used on me, Pretty much in that same order. I became ill as soon as I moved in the house with him and stayed ill until about 2 weeks after I had moved out. It is documented in my medical records. Once I was tired and sick all the time he started “helping” and advising with my business, my kids,to the point that I was beginning to think ‘how did I become so dependent on him when I was so independent my whole life.
Then came the isolation, from friends, and then family. I couldn’t even talk on the telephone, EVER, without him being on the other line. Of course, he said he just join in the conversations, but he took over the conversations. And I couldn’t understand why the neighbors and I spoke evry time we saw each other outside, but then one day, they just quit talking and even started avoiding me. I asked my ex if he had noticed a change with them, and he said yes, that he didn’t know what was up with them, but then a week later he would tell me how he was out talking to them about this or that.
He also would always tell me “You know, you and I are different than other people, we are honest and we are of a higher standard than others”.
Finally, just before the end of the relationship, I had lost my mind and I needed to go see a psychiatrist and get some anti depressants, and I was no longer able to run my business or maintain my bank accounts, that he was going to have to do it. THen he told me my duaghters were terrified of me and that my customers called me “the ice lady”behind my back. He drove out to my sisters to tell her I was losing my mind.
I did go see a Dr., and she said there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, and I needed to RUN NOT WALK out of that situation. With that advice, I left, and with the help of this website, I have no contact with him other than court dates until this thing is finalized-and my business is STILL IN TACT !
I am thankful there were no children of this relationship. I feel so sorry for those of you who have to deal with custody battles and the feeling of your children that have to deal with these psychos.
The circumstances that led to me to him were just absolutely disasterous. My mother became ill just one month after I met him with terminal cancer. After a long few months she died, and estranged from my feelings, and family-he became my family. Him and the dogs (one he gave me and one he had).
Soon, everything that involved being around his family and friends consumed me to help combat the loneliness of losing my mother.
It was us against the world. Just us and the dogs were his “family.
I finally kicked him out 3 weeks ago, after finding out that our “family” of 10 years in a relationship and 3 years of living together included so many sexual partners, men and women. (I wait to go to my OBGYN to make sure the “family” of his friends and acquaintances-didn’t initiate anything to be seriously wrong with me! The emotional damage he has left me with, I am working through. I am critical of any man in my life -finding that i’ve learned to accept the pathological behavior because my father displays the same. Oh what a mess I am. Oh what a beauty I am! But he is gone and I feel free, and afraid, and alive, and scared, and wonderful all at the same time. My real family and friends who are my family-helped me move him out of the apt. Pack his stuff and cart it away from my life. I still find his things here and there! (He left stuff in the apt. in corners here and there-hid them). I find them, i put them in a bag. I will send them to his mother’s house. Rid myself of that “family” and try to find my peace in the beauty of my face, the sunshine and comfort in my voice and my laugh. Struggle through fear when i walk out of buildings, and look both ways when I enter the subway. It’s eerie that he’s not there the way he was, he had been planning to leave anyway-he had found another “host” girlfriend and I believe is living with her just 3-4 blocks away from my apartment. I try to walk around without fear, going about my everyday, as if I’ve been single for the past 12 years. But little nicks in the night, the skunk that lives in our neighborhood who comes by to knock over the garbage cans and scurry for food, awakens me with fear, and desire to have someone close to me…to have a real family and be wrapped up in their warmth.
I’ve started therapy, because wanted him back, is a death wish, I know. It will silence my laughter forever. It will kill my family. He’s an actor…lol. yes. he acted for a good 12 years and the only response I got from him when it was threw was a very muffled and almost inaudible “take care” on the answering machine, when he realized that i had packed his stuff and returned it to his mother.
My family worries about me. I don’t. I’m free, the possibilities are endless. The fear I hope, is not.
My mother -my family- my faith that there is someone looking out for me (the something that helped me to not kill him and end up in jail, the spirit that carried him away to another hosts home to nest and feed) they carry me- closer to happiness everyday he is gone.
We talk a lot on our site about predators using techniques such as NLP and seduction science against us.
Our article talks about one seduction science program in light of the predatory ways cyberpaths target their victims.
Coercive brainwashing is used in so much abuse. We can safely say that even if the predator is doing this subconciously, the many victims we talk to say the same things: “I felt like there was a wet blanket on my brain” or “he got me to do things I would never have done ever under any circumstances” and “I didn’t feel like myself & I wasn’t even acting like myself.”
It’s important for therapists working with this sort of emotional rape and interpersonal exploitation to do some “deprogramming” to victims to relieve them of the self-recrimination and shame. They were targetted! Make no mistake.
The type of control my ex used I haven’t seen discussed here. It was guilt and confusion through emotional blackmail, i.e.: “If I react badly, they won’t do that, say that, or ask that again. I believe from my research he is a mesh of BPD, Narcissistic PD with sociopath tendencies. As these people do, he had spending problems most likely related to impulsiveness, feelings of entitlement, and his mother’s enabling, etc. Finances were entirely my responsibility. He refused to have anything to do with them, but I was allowed no authority to actually manage them.
It was a vicious circle of a loose-loose trap. He, of course, didn’t like to be questioned in any way, (and sometimes he even just perceived being questioned when it wasn’t real), and reacted in loud, angry, paranoid, reality-twisting fashion.
Just one example on many was when we had a large real-estate tax bill coming due in a few months. I saw on the bank statement that he had just gone to the toy store and bought himself over $100 in toys, (helicopter models, etc.). I felt I had better address the tax bill coming up before things got any worse, although I dreaded bringing it up because of his usual reactions. So, without mentioning the toys, (didn’t want to seem accusatory,) and making sure to use “we” instead of “you”, as gently as I could I told him, “We need to watch what we spend the next few months because we have over $1,200 due in real-estate tax at the end of December.” My statement was instantly rewarded with a screaming tirade of indignation and guilt induced manipulation….”Well, I don’t know what you THINK I’m going to buy (blah, blah)…………I can’t work anymore hours than I do (blah, blah)…….you always act like (blah, blah)……..etc. Of course, I attempted to clear up the “misunderstanding”, saying things like, “I didn’t say you, I said we………..I didn’t ask you to work more………etc. As usual this just added more rage to his responses as he continued on exactly the same line of defense and my brain began swimming in confusion trying to figure out what I did wrong or if I mis-communicated or what. I don’t remember if this one ended in me ultimately crying or yelling back or just shutting up. Those were my only 3 options with him.
Now my mind can recognize the irrationality of his responses and label them as so. Back then it just send me into a tailspin of confusion. We had been doing this same “dance” for about 10 years at this point and not just in regard to finances, but pretty much all “real life” subjects that his irresponsible nature did not want to deal with.
The marriage is now over. The divorce was final one month ago after 3-1/2 years of separation and legal battling. Our communications have not changed. I still have to deal with him because we have 2 little boys, but as of about 2 years ago, I only communicate via email if at all possible. He can still offer irrational responses via email but my mind gets a little extra time to react with logic and not emotion. If I have to communicate via telephone, I record it because I know we will end up back in court at some point.
He has found new ways to control, manipulate and hurt; using anything he can as a weapon. This includes money, withholding information, visitation time, keeping the good clothes I send them to school in and sending back junk, bad mouthing me to the children (or anyone else for that matter if they don’t know me well enough not to listen), and the list goes on and grows. I had as many of these “weapons” as possible removed from his control or otherwise sanctioned in the divorce papers but even that has not stopped him most of the time. My attorney tells me to just keep track, so I do. It’s a lot of time spent in a situation where I’m already scheduled to the extreme. Time consuming paperwork, emails to the attorney, discussions with the boys teachers and principal, tracking down missing information from school and so on, added to going to school full time myself, working part time, my older daughter in college full time but living at home, helping my parents at their house, scouts and other activities, etc., doesn’t leave much time for reflection and healing but slowly I’m getting there. They say our children’s childhood fly by. It is true; except on this one level (the ex), the next 10 years or so will most likely seem like never ending “stress-hell.”
I can so relate to happyredhed…….far too many similarities,including the personality traits you described.
In my case he controlled the finances. The reactions you describe are exactly the same , his irrational outbursts, and my only 3 options, crying, yelling or shutting up. Interesting how they push us so far, that WE end up yelling and screaming and behaving like them, only to have him have a “witness” waiting in the wings to observe how “crazy” she is!?!?! It all seems like alot of work setting up of these sinerios that they do so well.
And YES, anything we say will be twisted to “demonstrate” how it is ALL OUR FAULT! No Contact is absolutely the way to go. Probably is driving him nuts that he is not getting any reactions from me, after 16 years of fine tuning his manipulation tactics, training me to behave just like a marionette. he is no longer getting the narccissistic FEED from me . Sure he still pushes buttons with me and I do react , but now it is only internally, he doesn’t get the reward of seeing me upset.
I’ve come a long way, even though I still have a ways to go in regard to healing.
Thanks again for this site,it is so wonderful to know that I am not the only one, and that someone ANYONE can FINALLY UNDERSTAND!!! I was targeted and fell into the trap, and now it is time to break away from the mind control and learn who the heck I really am (was). I like me darn it!
Peace be with you.
learning to fly
Thank you so much for this article. It came just at the right time as I was looking up the tactics used to get people into cults and the writers you mentioned happened to be who I was just reading this past week.
I wanted to find out what techniques are used in therapy when someone leaves a cult because I didn’t feel heard in therapy as to how severely I had been affected by the sociopath in my life. It seems as if most therapists though very well intentioned just don’t “get” it unless you do relate it to having been in a cult. A cult of TWO maybe but, no less damaging to the victim. The information I have been reading has really helped me to see more clearly what happened to me. Why I reacted as I did to it and why oh why it was so damned HARD to stay away!!
It’s not so difficult now with these tools to see the absolute truth of the matter is that my mind was controlled in a system that was deliberate and meant to control me. I could NOT have seen that coming at the time. Who KNEW that words could be used in such a way as to control you so completely, information controlled so tightly that you are submerged in such unreality. The most sickening thing is the way your body and spirit just “KNOW” something is horribly wrong and yet you can’t think your way out of this while you are in it.
Information like this is invaluable and will help MANY people stuck in the fog and humiliation of not being able to get out. It gives you tools to SEE the truth of things and that you have been used, and toyed with like a science experiment so someone else can “get something” from you on a consistent basis. How frightening to know there are people who actually LIVE THIS WAY from one victim to the next.
It also clarifies why no contact is crucial. You’ve been brainwashed and there is no way on earth you can listen again even for a minute to the one who did this to you. It’s dangerous to think you can or to believe you can control it.
One thing that I have done is to absolutely force myself to practice ACTIVE letting go. That means there are time limits on how long each day I can focus my attention on dealing with this or thinking about HIM in any way. I actively say out loud I am letting him go and then find something else to do. It gets easier to do this but, at first it was like hell on earth and felt like a total betrayal emotionally to me. In spite of all he had done emotionally and mentally to actively practice turning my back and taking BACK my OWN THOUGHTS was excruciating. It is not easy to do in any way but, you must do it no matter what or remain at risk. This man nearly cost me my life and still I felt I was betraying him!!! THAT is nothing if not mind control. Never before in my life would I have had a problem leaving someone like this who had been so cruel to me and caused so much damage. With sociopaths though, you are so fogged and the longer you have stayed the more dangerous it is.
Thank you so much for bringing this part of this issue to the light of day. It has really helped me.
And learningtofly your description of what happens and the only options you seem to have as a result of their push, pull abusive behavior is spot on. I remember feeling so many times as if all I could do was yell back, cry or shut up. I usually just got as quiet as I could be as sometimes it didn’t last as long when he was raging if I became as small and quiet as possible. One of these incidents lasted NINE hours with me not saying anything back, I couldn’t move it seemed….these things came out of the blue for no reason. I never knew when, how or why they occurred but, they were always interspersed with love bombing…I was I see now actually “trained” I myself could not believe I was sitting through this or taking it without leaving for good…now I know why….and how.
Each one of these rage attacks would just demolish me for days afterward. At the end *when I no longer even cared WHAT happened to me so I felt I had nothing to lose anymore* I would rage back at him yes, it was used as his “evidence” that it was me who was being mean or “abusive” I was told that “well, you are abusive too you are just passive about it.” What the hell??? I had no choices that would end up being approved of by the sociopath anyway. I was to endure it to the point of suicide and even that of course would not be enough because it’s not about what you can or cannot take anymore. It’s about them getting whatever they want and then making you to blame for their abuse.
My biggest mistake was going back for justice. Justice he would promise was coming at all times and never live up to because there is no understanding. You cannot go back and be understood and rectify things. This is not their goal but, it is used against you too. Many carrots are held out over and over. They are always the VERY things you so desperately need and the sociopath knows all too well which buttons to push. I marveled at how well he knew the last time he came back to get my “help” I used to think he lacked the ability to know what he was doing fully until he pleaded with me by holding out all my needs in front of me and saying how he would go to therapy and knew precisely what I needed in the relationship and knew he had not been doing ANY of those things. He named them one by one. I remember being shocked to know that all along he HAD known what he was doing and was doing it on purpose and not from a lack of knowledge at all. It was a total lack of caring at all about me as a human being. There is a STUNNING ability to con going on that takes a LONG time to uncover….much less believe. No wonder we cannot make any new targets hear us. They are in the “glow” of the sociopaths words and actions and have smeared us at the same time. IF WE did not fully see what they were doing for so long how can we hope others who don’t yet know can?? It’s so sad to me but, this is something I have had to let go of. I pray no more damage is done but, I know better and I also know I cannot prevent it without further harming myself. It’s a horrible game they have going and they are magically perfect at getting away with it. So be it. I chose to heal and grow and leave this where it lay. I am not God and this part of this nightmare is beyond my control. I will keep those who come into contact in a personal way in the future with the sociopath in my life in my prayers.
Each day I am learning more and more. The best I can do for myself is not to feed the vampire ever again. Oh and to learn how to focus on growing and healing for me without thinking in any way that I am “betraying” anyone for simply taking care of myself in the face of abuse. What a mixed up way we come to think of things….they become front and center no matter WHAT we are feeling or going through. Who needs to live this way?
I chose healing and I could NOT do it without information and strength from others. I cannot thank you all enough!!