Over the last six months we have received many letters from desperate family members asking, “How can I get my ____ away from the psychopathic con artist?” What family members are really asking for is advice on how to overcome the brain washing of a loved one. When answering these kinds of questions, I like to provide some scientific evidence validating my point of view. Unfortunately, a search of the scientific literature, using the terms coercive persuasion, brain washing and mind control, does not reveal much. This week I will share some of what I have come to understand about how one person can assume control over another. Next week I will discuss how to overcome mind control by a psychopath.
Scientific studies are the best way to gain information about psychology. When these are lacking, it is valid to turn to authorities or experts for guidance. When learning from an authority, we must critically evaluate all claims made. From what I have been able to determine, there are two authorities in the United States on the topic of mind control or brain washing. Behavioral scientists also call this coercive persuasion.
The first authority who has taught a great deal on this subject is Steven Alan Hassan. He is a licensed counselor and former member of the Unification Church. He operates the Freedom of Mind Center. According to Hassan, “destructive mind control takes the ‘locus of control’ away from an individual.” He further states there are four basic tactics used to achieve mind control and allow for “an individual’s identity (to) be systematically manipulated and changed.” These four things are remembered with the acronym BITE, and are behavior, information, thoughts and emotions.
Behavior control starts with one person’s regulation of another individual’s physical reality. Our physical reality means the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the amount of sleep we get, how we spend our time and how we spend our money. There are rigid rules and regulations the controlled person is supposed to abide by regarding these. Over time, this behavior control fosters dependency. The controlled person gets used to not behaving autonomously.
All the authorities I read identify information control as central to mind control. Donna said in her last week’s post, Sociopaths at first don’t act like jerks, in the beginning those wishing to take control use deception to make themselves look good. They deliberately hold back information and distort important facts. This allows them to get a foot hold in a person’s life. After the foot hold is established, the controller makes sure to isolate the person from information potentially damaging to the relationship.
Thought control is established as the controller encourages the person to adopt an “us vs. them” mentality. Any attempt by the controlled to criticize or question the controller is punished. The controller withdraws affection or otherwise induces fear in the person. Faced with this punishment, the controlled uses the defense mechanisms of denial, rationalization, justification or wishful thinking to survive.
Lastly brain washing involves manipulation of emotions. The controller uses tactics that narrow the range of the controlled’s emotional experience. The controlled experiences extremes of emotions, highs and lows that keep him/her off balance.
Nothing controls behavior like guilt and fear. (Note this is true only for people who are not sociopathic.) Controllers are experts at inducing guilt of all sorts. Hassan identifies many types of guilt: identity guilt; family guilt; guilt over past deeds; guilt over present thoughts, feelings and actions. Controllers also subtly induce fear. The controlled fears thinking independently, fears the “outside” world, enemies, leaving or being shunned by the controller. The controlled also fears the controller’s disapproval.
Ultimately the goal of all the emotional manipulation is “phobia indoctrination” or the programming of irrational fears of ever leaving the controller or even questioning the controller’s authority. According to Hassan, “The person under mind control cannot visualize a positive, fulfilled future without (the controller).”
Unfortunately, my next respected authority Dr. Margaret Singer passed away at the age of 82 in 2003. There are several articles by Dr. Singer posted on factnet.org. Lawrence Wollersheim co-founder of factnet.org, is also a former cult member. I highly recommend reading Dr. Singer’s articles. The first is entitled Coercive Mind Control Tactics also details the techniques of brain washing.
The Supreme Court of the United States has adopted some of Dr. Singer’s ideas and has recognized that, “…the weakness resulting from a lack of food, sleep, or medical care can eliminate the will to resist as readily as the fear of a physical blow. Hypnosis, blackmail, fraud, deceit, and isolation are also illustrative methods but it is unnecessary here to canvas the entire spectrum of nonphysical machinations by which humans coerce each other. It suffices to observe that one can imagine many situations in which nonphysical means of private coercion can subjugate the will of a servant.”
Dr. Singer writes “In such a program the subject is forced to adapt in a series of tiny ‘invisible’ steps. Each tiny step is designed to be sufficiently small so the subjects will not notice the changes in themselves or identify the coercive nature of the processes being used. The subjects of these tactics do not become aware of the hidden organizational purpose of the coercive psychological program until much later, if ever. These tactics are usually applied in a group setting by well intentioned but deceived ‘friends and allies’ of the victim. This keeps the victim from putting up the ego defenses we normally maintain in known adversarial situations.
“The coercive psychological influence of these programs aim to overcome the individual’s critical thinking abilities and free will apart from any appeal to informed judgment. Victims gradually lose their ability to make independent decisions and exercise informed consent. Their critical thinking, defenses, cognitive processes, values, ideas, attitudes, conduct and ability to reason are undermined by a technological process rather than by meaningful free choice, rationality, or the inherent merit or value of the ideas or propositions being presented.”
There are times when trying to influence someone does not constitute mind control. To further clarify what mind control is, Dr. Singer wrote a list of acceptable influence tactics. These are:
• Reflection
• Clarification
• Discussion
• Information Giving
• Directed Questioning
• Creative Expression
• Advisory/Therapeutic
• Commenting on Problem or alternatives
• Suggesting Ideas
• Recommending solutions
• Rational argument (message oriented)
Unacceptable influence tactics which do, indeed, suggest mind control are:
• Selective reward/punishment
• Denigration of self and of critical thinking
• Dissociative states to suppress doubt and critical thinking
• Alternation of harshness/threats and leniency/love
• Control-oriented guilt induction
• Active promotion of dependency
• Debilitation
• Physical restraint/punishment
Those of us who fell into the grip of a sociopath/psychopath recognize these techniques of mind control that are also used by cult leaders. Anyone who would want to exert this kind of power over another person is by definition a sociopath. Sociopathy/psychopathy is a set of personality traits that includes an excessive drive for power and control.
Cult leaders use human nature to gain power over others. It is human nature to respect authority and want to live peacefully in a group. Cult leaders exploit the desire people have to belong to a well-functioning group.
Perpetrators of love fraud also exploit human nature. Most people want to belong to a loving, well-functioning family. Sociopaths begin their relationships promising happiness to their victims. People in love relationships are even more vulnerable to brain washing than people joining cults. The reason is that sex makes people vulnerable. It is no coincidence that many cults use sex to trap people. Pregnancy is also used to trap women psychologically and physically in relationships and in cults.
A non-pathological loving relationship is freeing. In it, a person becomes more fully him/herself. Love enables a person to be self-actualized and his/her best. I will conclude with the motto of factnet.org-Because only You have the right to control Your Mind!
What I have learned is you cannot warn their new victims. Why? Because by the time you find out and are trying to warn them, the sociopath has already ensnared them. They are in the spider’s web. He has already told them that you would do this and you would say that. He has already laid the ground work for… she’s crazy and she will try to make you think I did or said certain things… she is a liar.
He will convince the victim that she is the one he has been looking for all his life. He will convince her to do things against you. “It’s you and me against this crazy bitch.”
Most often remember his victims are usually people with problems already that he is the knight in shining “armour” who will help them and fix them and take care of them.
He is her saviour right now.. and you are a demon he tried to help and to love — and you turned on him.
Yep… the betrayal them fits all the way around. His friend tells me about all his lies and when I talk to the friend “I betray him.” If I express my feelings it is a betrayal.
If I don’t talk to him or pick him up… it’s he can never count on me for anything and “you always fail.”
They are so good at manipulating it comes second nature to them. It’s like “normal” for them. They do it without even having to think about it too much.
Thing is they will lie and manipulate when there is no need to right?
If he said look we had our problems, I would like to be friends but I am seeing this other girl and I really could use a ride. Can you help me out?
You know I would probably say okay. The truth works equally as well sometimes. However telling the truth is no fun for them.
They enjoy making your believe their lies.
They enjoy making you believe they love you just to watch you get hurt.
They know oftentimes psychological pain is worse than physical pain. Also harder to prove psychological abuse — there are no visible bruises, no cuts not blood. It’s all “in your head.” So of course, they choose psychological abuse… they push those buttons to make you enraged… they make you out to be the bad guy.
I am not quite 5′ tall, I am 98lbs and I have never seriouosly hit or hurt another person in my life. This man has been to prison, has lived on the streets supposedly selling guns and drugs. How the hell could anyone possibly believe I could abuse him?
Yeah I became abusive after all the car wrecks and the complaints of stealing. Yeah I became nasty. Who wouldn’t?
It’s just another one of their mind-f–ks.
I remember when I used to sleep next to him and touch him… sometimes it felt like I was touching a dead person. I can’t describe it but it scared me.
I think because he is dead – emotionally… dead. There is an emptiness inside him a hollow feeling he will never be able to fill no matter how many lies he tells, how many women he screws over – how many scams he pulls… he will always be that way.
Sad right?
HappyRedHed
That’s part of “seduction science.” It was developed by Milton Erickson and its called Confusion Technique
Do a websearch on ‘Cognitive Dissonance’ also. Once the sociopath induces it via confusion, every other method of brainwashing becomes very simple.
I just accepted today that not only is my husband a sociopath, but so is my father.
I knew it in my heart for years, but wanted to think if I could
just do more, be better, be prettier, be smarter…yada yada yada….
My mother was in a wheelchair from polio for age 26 and all my life my moter, or later I, delivered meals to my father in the bedroom on a tray. A woman in a wheelchair had to balance a tray of food on her lap because he would never sit at the table for any meal that ever remember.
I have been married 2 other sociopaths, I now realize that.
I was fooled by this one because he SEEMED so different.
I knew right after I met him and he threw a temper tantrum because I did not want to have sex with him the first night, or second…
I told all my friends and everybody I knew that I never wanted to see him again because he was not my type.
But he would not give up. Called me a million times and then came out to my house and pounded on the windows crying how much he loved me.
Next thing I know he is outside charming my mother into thinking he was the greatest thing since sliced bread.
I fell for it and married the jerk.
We have been married 21 years, I think, he knows ,but I have stopped caring the number of years he has stolen from me.
I started out self confident, even though I had been with two other sociopaths they had not managed to destroy me until him.
My mother died in 1990 and it literally destroyed me. She was my best friend.
That was his chance to overtake me.
I gained about 20 lbs, I am 5″9 so I was not really fat.
He took that oppertunity to tell me how fat I was and how I was going to be huge. My fat was from beer, not food.
At the same time his brother started dating a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader.
He had to know what she looked like and all about her. I fell apart. Even to the point of dressing like one of them for Halloween to try and gain his approval.
Every other man who saw me thought I looked great but it did not matter, I only cared what he thought. NOT MUCH.
He is obsessed with football and I go nuts when he watches it. It makes me sick I feel that way.
Then he told me I am jealous of every other woman on TV because I do not like myself…….
I even got a Graduate Gemologist degree because I thought if I was a professionl, he would love me more.
He is a welder…..
My realization came yesterday when my dad upset me yesterday, like he has a million times.
My husband told me ” You do not understand the GAME, do you think he is home crying about how you feel ? ”
OMG, I suddenly realized it is a game for them.
Praying for an answer brought me to this site. I have no one else who I can talk to about this.
Thank you for letting me vent……God Bless All who have a socopath in their lives..
I made a lot of typos in my post. I am still crying about having to face the fact I am married to someone who can not possibly change…I
t is hard to type through tears.
Bambi, half the battle is recognizing where you’re at. Keep reading the blogs here – you’ll probably learn a lot (most of which you’ll hate) but it’s a start to finding yourself again.
Bambi,
What a perfect name and I do not mean that sarcastically. I am so sorry to hear your story. I am so glad you found LoveFraud. You will find everything you need to know here and you will likely find yourself too.
There is another side to this and you will cross over. I really think that people can get through something like this.
A word of caution. You may feel tempted to tell your man that you have figured it all out… he’s a “Sociopath.” Most likely, he will tell you that you are one. From now on, don’t believe anything he tells you about you.
Also, it sounds like you are married to this man so there are some difficulties there but read “No Contact” anyway. It’s under the section, “How to leave a Sociopath.” If you decide to leave, find a lawyer that KNOWS what a sociopath is. You will need that.
Good luck!
Aloha… E.R.
I don’t know how I missed this Blog thread, but it totally describes what was done to my mother by the Psychopaths in my family in getting my mother to be dependent on them emotionally, and fear that they would desert her and she would be “left alone.” I was demonized by them as the “joint enemy” of them all because I started to set boundaries for my psychopathic son, and my DIL and my mother as well as the “Trojan Horse Psychopath” who had established himself as my mother’s live-in care taker.
I also strongly suspect that she was drugged with benzodiazepines (similar to Valium) as well, because her mentation took a drastic down turn consistent with these drugs, and her gait became unsteady. These drugs were available in her home and had been prescribed for her in tiny doses some time before. Having proven unhelpful, they had been stopped, but there were some still there.
When I had caught her lying to me and her caregiver lying to me about him “borrowing” money from her, she became very angry and agitated that he “might leave” her because of my “attitude.” During this time she was convinced that I was “after her money” and put it into the hands of her controllers out of fear that I would try to “take control” of it. (Though I had never taken or even accepted money from her). My power of attorney was canceled over her affairs, and all her important papers were put into “safekeeping” with her controllers.
Since my mother was a life long enabler of my P-son who was doing all the “plans” for this, it fell right into line with her enabling of him as well.
I really hadn’t thought of it as “mind control” before, but that really is what it was. Her increasing dependency on the psychopaths, and her fear of abandonment and being “alone” were all played upon.
“Quote”] “cult of two”–very apropos in many situations as well.
There are many different ways to use mind control to get people to do what you want. Like anything else it should be used ethically.
These techniques use hypnosis, NLP, persuasion etc. and can be quite powerful
You can learn even more about these techniques at http://www.secretsofmindcontrol.net
potted plants – anyone who says that ‘mind control should be used ethically’ makes me get out my gardening tools.
Just been there..yep….it’s a guy selling hypnosis so you can make anyone do anything…and if you do ONE thing…just don’t waste your time with it…here is one woman who will not fall prey to your immoral trade…BAD KARMA go get him!!! have you heard of how I can turn karma round to bite the ass of the salesman with the product he sells…better really believe in what your selling marc…or it will bite you big time in the ass….