Two recent news items about life in today’s digital age caught my attention:
News item #1
Recent studies of more than 11,000 people revealed that one in six marriages are now between people who met through an online dating site — more than twice the number of people meeting at bars, at clubs and other social events combined
Additionally, the studies show that one in five new committed relationships, including marriages, are between people who met on an online dating site.
News item #2
Facbook fueling divorce, research claims
Divorce lawyers claim the explosion in the popularity of websites such as Facebook and Bebo is tempting to people to cheat on their partners.
Suspicious spouses have also used the websites to find evidence of flirting and even affairs, which have led to divorce.
One law firm, which specialises in divorce, claimed almost one in five petitions they processed cited Facebook.
Digital technology and the Internet have created a parallel form of life. We could call it Cyberlife.
Cyberlife is built on information—which may be enlightening, misleading, authentic or fabricated. Words on a screen may be true, false, or subject to interpretation. Images and videos may depict actual occurrences—or they may be staged, cropped, edited or Photoshopped.
In Cyberlife, information available instantaneously. Information that was once inaccessible may now be found. And information—whether correct or inaccurate—lives forever in digital caches, located wherever Google and other archives keep it.
Online exploitation
So what does all of this mean when it comes to sociopaths?
Sociopaths live by exploiting people. The Internet and other tools of digital technology give sociopaths another avenue for exploiting people. And it’s a powerful one.
Internet fraud is a huge growth industry. Here are annual dollar losses due to Internet fraud reported to the Internet Crime Complaint Center:
- 2007 – $239 million
- 2008 – $265 million
- 2009 – $560 million
For sociopaths looking to exploit individuals in romantic relationships, the Internet and online dating sites allows them to fish in a very big pond. They can troll for victims 24/7, around the world. They can bait their hooks with fictitious profiles. They can work multiple targets at once, to see who actually bites.
Helpful information
Yes, the digital age gives sociopaths a lot of tools—but it also provides tools to the rest of us.
Lovefraud is proof of that. Lovefraud provides information about this personality disorder, enabling people stuck in the fog of manipulation and confusion to finally understand what they are dealing with.
Besides general information about sociopaths, the Internet allows people to acquire specific information on people they meet. Websites like DontDateHimGirl.com, Womansavers.com and Ripoffreport.com allow readers to post names of people to be avoided. Exposure works—many people have been saved from predatory relationships by finding the case studies on Lovefraud.
Seduction in the mind
One of the fascinating things about Cyberlife is that it brings into sharp focus how much of our lives take place in our own minds.
Lovefraud has heard of several cases in which people were involved online relationships, to the point of severe emotional trauma, with people who didn’t even exist! Some sociopaths play this cruel game. The sociopaths don’t get money, or sex, or a place to live. But they send flowery, romantic texts and emails, promising  future happiness that will never happen. They manipulate their victims, just for fun and entertainment.
These situations are extreme, but every relationship that starts online starts in the mind. All you have is digital information. You don’t see a person across a room and feel a twinge of animal magnetism. You don’t fall in love with the sound of their laugh. So what happens?
As the Internet Threat page on Lovefraud.com explains, 65% to 90% of human communication comes from nonverbal cues. When communicating online, therefore, 65% to 90% of the meaning is missing.
What do we do when reading email and text messages in communications with a potential romantic partner? We indulge in our hopes and dreams. We fill in the blanks with what we want the communication to mean. We fall in love with our own fantasy.
Yes, our minds can trick us. Awareness, however, is also in our minds. We can educate ourselves that these predators exist. We can learn the warning signs of exploitative behavior. We can read about the experiences of others. All of this can be done online—that’s what Lovefraud does every day. As we say here on Lovefraud, knowledge equals power.
The conduit
In the end, therefore, the information revolution, the Internet, digital technology—it’s all just a conduit, and the conduit can be used for information that is either helpful or hurtful.
But we do need to understand what happens in Cyberlife, and how messages on the conduit can be manipulated. Digital technology is a tool. How the tool is used makes the difference.
To everyone that replied to my post, thank you and I truly do appreciate your acknowledgment. This is really a wonderful place considering the circumstances we are all here, and what a decent bunch of people you are.
As I’m usually in the background reading the posts most days (I know most people here by reading their blogs), it’s nice to come out of the ‘wood work” and contribute at least something. The depth and substance of all the people here gives me hope in such a superficial world.
Thank you Donna for the reply, and I’m glad I hit the mark regarding the topic. Hopefully my 2 cents worth will help someone out there, or at least to let them know they’re not alone being scammed by a ‘cyber relationship’.
To OxDrover, thank you for your words of support and thank you for telling me about the book that you are reading the “Night Listener”. I downloaded the movie off the net and yes it’s a very similar story to mine indeed, I saw many parallels with my own experience. I don’t know how similar the book is to the movie, But in the second half of the movie, Donna the carer kills off Peter the young boy. I relate this to my own experience. Sally killed off Mickey, so she could shift the relationship back onto her. For far too long Mickey had “star billing” and it was her time now in the spotlight…and I guess Mickey’s character was the bait to hook me in and keep my there as long as possible……oh I just had a thought that came to mind regarding all this….Sally would often say to me..”not much usually happens around here, but it’s all happening now”…..at the cost of someones sanity and maybe filled a void, I guess it kept her busy…she preyed on people’s empathy but had none to give in return.
I don’t know if i was dealing with a sociopathic personality, but it sure the hell was destructive at the expense of others……many thanks to everyone.
I met Jim on the internet.
Yet, I can’t blame the internet for us meeting. He only lives a mile away. I saw him many times in the community before he approached me on internet dating site.
I blew him off many times in email. Yet he continued his pursuit through email. This should have told me something. I wasn’t offering anything interesting why is he hanging on?
Well I know now!
He wanted a cash cow.
He didn’t give a hoot if we had nothing in common. As long as he got sex in addition to money here and there.
I can’t blame the internet. I blame myself.
Jim showed me his best side the first weekend. He spent all day and into late night with me. While he bummed cigarettes off me.
The show was over that weekend. He then blew me off on weekends sending me chasing after him. I spent the next five years wondering why this man is blowing me off on weekends and giving me lame excuses.
He always gave a perfectly logical explanation after the fact. But, he was always vague to create the misunderstandings. It was enough to keep me hanging all those years.
Add in that when I refused to answer his phone calls, he would storm over to my house to barge in my door to scream at me. I felt helpless in my own home.
I finally got rid of him when I said I would call the police. I said get off my property or I will call the police. I had to repeat it 3x cause he kept yelling.
I can’t tell you the courage it took for me to say those words. I felt like a wet noodle afterwards.
But, the internet is not to blame. I saw the warning signs and I ignored them. I tried to make sense out of nonsense. I “TRIED TO GET ALONG” when you can’t get along with an opportunist. I thought I would be “labeled” as the problem house if I involved the police. And, I even made the mistake of telling him about my son’s dad who called the police on me turning my house into the problem house. Jim took advantage of my fears.
Then I found that all it took was the threat that I would call the police to get him off my ass.
How easy was that!
I could have saved myself 5 years of grief!
I will never again put up with anyone who makes me feel bad about myself. I will distance myself from that person.
I know how to walk away, I always have walked away from bad relationships.
Whether the relationship be a female friend or a boyfriend.
I will make a point to get out quickly. As I did when I saw that guy John who nick-picked at me, and he disliked everything about me while he pressured me for sex. I called it off with him before it passed “GO”
Gosh, why didn’t I learn this a decade ago? Why is it now that I am almost 50 that I finally learn? My life could be over tonight. (my grandmother died at age 50)
Dear Jake,
I really am enjoying the book, had to put it down as have had company and other obligations for the past 36 hours but am going to go to bed and read some more for a while. Sometimes fiction is more “true” than real life! I only happened to see a small portion of the movie as I was channel surfing and saw Robin Williams and watched a bit of it then looked up the book, ordered it and presto!
It is difficult to believe something like this could actually take place, but everyone here has been HOODWINKED as bad or worse by a psychopath (or two or three) and as Jeannie says HOW EASY WAS THAT? It really is easy to get rid of them NO CONTACT (unless you have a kid with them or they stalk you) but we have to be STRONG in ourselves, and VALIDATE our own REALITY as many times as it takes.
I had to run because they were “after me” literally, but I almost didn’t have the courage to RUN because I kept thinking how cowardly it was to not defend my home…I was in the right, right? But I did finally figure out it is better to retreat in an ordered way than to end up like CUSTER! There are just some things and some places you can’t defend no matter how hard you fight!
Finally having the courage to retreat and live to fight another day—HOW EASY WAS THAT? Of course it wasn’t easy, but I am stronger than I though tI was—I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO TO SURVIVE—and that’s what each of us must find the courage to do. Whether it is stand and fight if that’s the best option, or to retreat and change direction (thank you Chairman Mao!)
I got an e mail tonight from son C that he thought he spotted the Trojan Horse P driving in the nearest town to me—wasn’t 100% sure, but COULD be–and he could be going up to see my X DIL as he is off parole now, and his only source of income is an SSI disability check of $550 a month—and it takes THAT MUCH to live as a HOMELESS PERSON ON THE STREET—and I know he is NOT going to work, and she is working last I heard as at a Micky D’s and a person can hardly keep a roof, food, transportation etc. on minimum wage or less—so wouldn’t surprise me if they hooked up again. I DOUBT that he has the balls to show up here, but if he does it will be a fire fight and I think he knows that. He might like revenge but he’s not hell bent on it like my P-son.
CAUTION, but NOT terror!
Since I quit communicating with my P-son, one of his buddies that I have pen-palled with for years (who BTW IS BEING REPRESENTED BY THE HOUSTON INNOCENCE PROJECT) and who probably didn’t do the crime he is in for (murder) I have been still writing to him. He had written me telling me that inmate X (one I know of but haven’t met) was asking about my personal information (a good excuse for “Joe” to contact me) but said he didn’t give any to the guy—but I know this guy is a VERY close pal to P son (who did save this inmate’s life several years ago so the creep owes P-son a lot) anyway, I’ve been corresponding with “Joe” off and on, but sending DIS-INFORMATION to him about my activities, whereabouts, health, etc. I really couldn’t tell if he was passing this information on to son P but I figured if I sent DIS-information to him and he was NOT passing it on, no loss, but if he was communicating DIS-information to P son it might do some good.
I got a long letter from him yesterday that makes me think he IS A SPY. He has started “mirroring” me—I have kept my letters full of my FAITH in God and so on. So now “Joe” has developed this “faith” in God and has all these big plans how he is going to save all the kids in the world when he gets out as soon as the DNA comes back showing he did not do the crime.
He is quite bright really, vocabulary pretty good, writing well, thought process seems adequate, high average intelligence I think, and he’s taking college classes in prison.
‘
This last letter though was sooooo “sweet” and so “kind” and so “full of faith in God” that there had to be a “reason” he was in prison and so on…almost felt like a LOVE BOMB from the P-son. LOL So I think my P-dar is working pretty well.
With the parole “hearing” coming up in January (all papers are into the parole board now from his attorney that I think egg donor hired for him, and my attorney has submitted papers, so I imagine that “Joe” is wanting to know what I’m up to. Where I am and so on.
Time to go on another “trip” I think—I get picture postcards from my friends in distant cities, and then I write on them, and then mail them back to my friends to get my friends to mail them (post marked) from the far flung cities all over the US.
I think I may even take a trip outside the US!!! Hee hee
Hi Jeannie,
Yeah, the internet isn’t always to blame….it’s always a crap shoot whether or not you meet online or another way. I didn’t meet my ex-soc online and he was horrid. The next guy I dated I did meet on the internet. He was prince charming too good to be true…except I jumped the gun and didn’t ask enough questions before I became involved. Had I known he is 40 still living at home with parents, I would not have given my heart away. It obviously didn’t work…but at least he wasn’t a sociopath. . .just an immature jerk.
jeannie812, I feel the same way you do, why did it take me so long to figure things out? I saw Jane Fonda on Oprah today, and Ali McGraw was on the show a couple of weeks ago… and both of them said the same thing… they didn’t figure life out until they were in their 60’s, they had been unhappy, they weren’t “whole”… etc. Jane even said today that she “gave” herself to men… so I figure we’re lucky we’re on the road to recovery now instead of later!
Yes, Iwonder,
My horrid love life began in high school, or at work. The only guy I met in a bar was my ex-boyfriend who still looks after me from time to time.
Yes, it wasn’t where I met them. It was me. I didn’t notice the bad signs.
Shabbychic
I saw those Oprah episodes.
Isn’t it refreshing when these stars show us they are like us? I don’t wanna go when it’s a fake show. I wanna believe they are sincere.
Ryan o’neil and Ali McGraw seemed so cute on that show. And, he did make a point of telling her that he is lonely!
Iwonder
I too didn’t ask the right questions up front.
But, what questions could I have asked?
In your case….who would think to ask do you live with your parents. Cause if you asked this of a man who lived alone for many years he would DELETE you. So we avoid personal questions until the right time. And if we are dealing with someone who has something to hide, they hide details and if you catch on, they duck and dodge, or silence you with their anger, and you never get a straight answer anyway.
In my case, I never thought to ask if he is looking for a cash cow.
Oh, I better clarify that in case spath lurkers are out there.
My extra ten bucks was enough to satisfy him until I got my next extra 10 bucks.
Jake b, One of our regulars, One step, was taken in by a similar evil person she calls the “Sock puppet”.
One step is a VERY smart cookie, so if SHE can be fooled and the wooll pulled over her eyes by this evil being, I think anyone could be!.
Its beyond belief to any normal empath, what do these sickos get out of their evil charades? I guess for some of them, its cash, wads of it.
Ive read similar true stories in Womens mags,women giving their life savings away to someone they believe loves them. happens to men too , of course.
My Prayers are with you as you heal and recover from this truly evil being.
Love,
mama GemXx