By Ox Drover
One of the first things I learned in nursing school was to correctly diagnose the problem before trying to fix it. I wish I had applied this lesson to my own personal life as well as I applied it to my professional life.
We were taught that when there was a perceived need, for example, when the patient was feeling short of breath, to assess why the patient might be feeling short of breath. Was the airway obstructed? If the airway was clear, then what was another likely cause of the problem? Sometimes a patient who is very anxious will feel very short of breath when they are actually getting plenty of oxygen, (as measured by a “pulse ox—”a little gismo that you clip on the patient’s finger and it tells you how much oxygen is in the patient’s blood). Or they will say “I can’t breathe!” when they really mean, “My nose is stopped up.” (If they are talking, they are breathing!)
So I was trained to look at and evaluate the situation, and only then to start to evaluate a plan. Once I had a plan, I was trained to carry that plan out, and to reassess if the plan was helping or not. Just good common sense.
Sometimes victims feel a perceived need; they feel that something is wrong with them. They are “hurting” and unhappy, but they aren’t sure what the problem is, or what is causing the pain and unhappiness. I have been in that same situation; I was hurting from my relationship with the disordered personalities around me. I had a need for love, I had a need for caring from those whom I cared about, but my need was not being met, therefore I felt “short of breath” but didn’t know what was causing my feeling of “suffocating.”
In my pain, in my lack of “oxygen,” I tried everything I could think of, almost at random, and nothing seemed to make me feel any better. I kept suffocating and like a person drowning, I flailed my arms at anything that floated by that might give me support.
I begged my abusers to help me, told them how I was suffering and suffocating, but though they told me they loved me, and I wanted to believe they loved me, their attempts to explain my pain as my own fault didn’t help me. I tried the things they suggested, but nothing worked. No matter how I tried to please them, I always failed.
The punishments they inflicted on me for my failures didn’t make me feel any better either, and I continued to spiral downward until I was critically ill. Still they didn’t seem to perceive how I suffered, or lend me any support.
One day, when I was critically ill, totally beaten down, with barely an emotional “pulse” and in more pain than I had ever imagined was possible, I realized I had not been using “common sense” to stop my downward spiral. I realized the only way I could stop the pain, stop the progression of my life’s downward spiral, was to use the good sense to diagnose the real problem before I started to fix it.
If a patient had come to me and said, “My foot hurts,” I would have looked at the foot and if I saw a thorn, I would not have said “well, let’s give you a pain killer to help your pain.” I would have removed the thorn, the obvious cause of the problem, before doing anything else. If the problem had not been so obvious, if perhaps the foot was tender, red and swollen, I might have taken a blood test to see if there was an infection. I would have asked if the patient had a thorn in there a few days ago, or if they had fallen, or dropped something on it. I would have worked my way down a list of questions that would have helped me get to the real cause of the problem. I would not have just thrown medication at them without knowing what the real problem was.
Why did I try to fix my own pain without finding out what the root cause was? How did I think the “shot gun” approach of just “shooting off in some direction” was going to help me to feel better, to get my life back on track?
Once I backed off and looked at specifics, looked at what the pain was, and what was causing the pain, and realized that as long as I did not take care of the root cause, did not remove the “thorn” from my foot, all the antibiotics in the world would not cure the problem, all the pain killers in the world would not stop the pain. The problem would continue to get worse if I did not take care of the cause of the problem and remove from my life the things (and people) who were inflicting the pain upon me, the infection that was killing me by inches.
Sometimes, the “cure” for our pain involves very extensive “surgery” to remove toxic and malignant “tumors” from ourselves, it might even involve “amputating” someone who is so dear to us we can’t imagine going through life without that person. I had to “amputate” my psychopathic son, and my enabling mother, both of which were traumatic operations for me, and for a while made me feel as if I had no legs, and couldn’t walk ever again. I have found though, like the Bible says, “If thy hand offend then, cut it off” is pretty radical but good advice, and sometimes cutting off a member of our emotional “bodies” is the only way to survive.
Surgery and medical treatment is sometimes painful, and we may want to delay “treatment” because of that potential pain, but I am here to “testify” that life without the malignant people is much, much better!
Dear Teacher,
Yes, the psychopaths are many times “sexual addicts” and that getting new “conquests” by getting others to have sex with them or be “interested” in them or “attracted” by them FEEDS their EGOS. Feeding their egos is a big part of what they do, and when they “catch” a “fish” on their line they enjoy the reeling it in for the “kill.” It is all about control and getting others to go for the BAIT. Yes, they are EVIL, and then if they can present themselves as VICTIMS of “harassment” by the REAL AVICTIM —OH, SO MUCH MORE FUN!!!
None of us are immune to temptation or an ego boost when an attractive person shows interest in us, even if we are solidly married, but by having a moral compass ourselves and HOLDING TIGHTLY TO IT we are at an advantage over the Psychopath because we usually stick to what is RIGHT. Yep, we all slip and fall sometimes and give in to the temptation, but we acknowledge our own part, and then try to do better. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT!!!
The psychopath ENJOYS control and the harm it brings to others, but normal people REPENT OF ANY harm they have caused by falling short of what they know is RIGHT, and try to make amends etc.
If nothing else, Teacher, you have learned a valuable lesson, but the “tuition” to the class was very “high” and painful to pay. That is why all of us are here, because of the “high price” of tuition in this school of hard knocks held by the psychopaths.
Just as Satan went to the garden of Eden to spread chaos, psychopaths and narcissists go around spreading their own version of chaos just to see others fall, that is the “JOY” they feel in hurting others. Even if they don’t get anything else out of the transaction. I’m glad you escaped before your entire life, family and career fell down around your feet. To me that says a lot of GOOD about YOU!!!!! TOWANDA!!!!
Dear Applehillbilly,
I so appreciate your response, especially that you pointed out how unprofessional it was for that surgeon to “confront” me. I hadn’t thought of that so it gave me more food for thought about WHY didn’t I recognize that?! I came up with some helpful answers about myself that will help me in the future.
IOWs, another of my faults is rarely assessing others’ actions, just my own! LIGHTBULB moment! That trait is not very healthy for me!
I thought about Oxy’s suggestion that I “should have” confronted the doctor with my truth so he could learn something. Thankfully, I’ll never see him again but I don’t think I will do that even in a future and similar experience. I’ve already LEARNED through hard experience that trying to TEACH a sociopath is futile.
Teacher,
Teaching was my profession, too. The faculty was mostly men (college/university levels) and after reading of your experience I wondered if my friendly attitude caused the men any discomfort! I hope not but then, I was so wrapped up in enjoying my students and meeting their academic needs that I don’t even think I thought if my behavior (chatting in the lunch room or hall) might be considered “flirting.”
Also, my teachng was my sanity-saver, such a different environment than my personal home life of abuse! I totally immersed myself in my job!
I’m sorry that you had this painful experience!! And also glad you learned something valuable from it. One of my nephews was charged legally with harassment — and punished severely — by three high school girls that he went out of his way to pick up to drive them to and from school — their only method of getting there.
Later it was learned that the girls collectively made that accusation as a “lark” — thought it would be fun! But, of course, their confession came too late to undo the damage. His marriage had a few bumps but it survived.
Anyway, I can imagine your pain! I hope you are now aware that your emotional response to that woman had been a manipulation of you on her part and that you are not chastising yourself TOO much!
Geminigirl,
You know that I care about your pain with your daughters because I share it concerning mine — at least with two of my three adult daughters. We are getting stronger from the battle, don’t forget!
Skylar,
Several days ago I notified Donna to give you my email address regarding the gluten-free diet. I have not heard from her or you. Does she need for you to give her your permission, too?
To ALL,
I won’t know my new surgery date until tomorrow, but I hope you know I will be counting on all for the good vibes from all of you as I face this. My youngest daughter will come out (1800 miles) after I am discharged but the surgery and hospitalization will be “on my own” (and God’s presence.) Thanks!!
Prayers to you NewLily during your surgery. Please let us know the exact date and time so we can be there for you in thought.
I haven’t been contacted by Donna, but I will contact her.
A NewLily,
Bless you sweet Lily….Please do let us know your surgery date. We will be there for you in prayer.
I am very glad to hear that your daughter will be coming to your side after the surgery.
My good vibes are with you.
Skylar,
You can also find gluten free diets on the internet. Isn’t it such a wonderful resource!!!! without it we wouldn’t have each other!
Lily, I agree with you about confronting psychopaths and ns, it does NO good at all. However, that said, sometimes people are really NOT aware of their “manner” being offensive or triggering to others and so being “told” gently that their behavior is not acceptable, WILL help them. That is, after all HOW WE LEARN HOW TO BEHAVE, but if you are not comfortable doing this, then LISTEN TO YOUR OWN HEART in those instances then.
I DO confront sometimes and sometimes I decide to let it slide, it just depends on the situation. I have actually confronted (gently) some physicians and been thanked, and then I have been ATTACKEd in response, but the thing is, now that I am RETIRED I don’t give a big rat’s behind whether they attack or not as I am immune to their opinions.
Recently I gently but FIRMLY confronted a person who was attempting to put a “pity play” on me in order to have me enable them, and I am so PROUD OF MYSELF, I stood FIRM and did NOT emotionally accept the blame they were projecting on to me…it SLID RIGHT OFF! So, you know, I AM making progress!!! (((pat, pat, pat–that’s the sound of me patting myself on the back for a GOOD JOB!)))) See, I even BRAGGED on myself for doing a good job! (pat, pat, again!) LOL
ANewLily,
Prayers and hugs as you go through with your surgery. Let us know when you are back in the saddle. Thanks for the encouragement as well. I am ok with it all now, but I had a hard time figuring out how someone who I thought was a friend could treat me like less than crap, totally go no contact on me first (silent treatment, whatever), and act like I wasn’t even a speck in her life when we were close for 2 years. In the end I just even wanted her to acknowledge at least that, but she then treated me like a criminal even. Oh well I am fortunate still to have a great family, and many friends. My children are awesome as well, but get along like cats and dogs like most kids do. I have a boy-10 and a girl who is about to be 12.
Oxy:
Awesome post! thankyou so much! You have such a way with words, you really help everyone to understand things so fast…especially me.
When I amputed my lungs (my daughter) I felt torturous grief but it QUICKLY advanced into IMMENSE ANGER AT HER!!! for making me remove my lungs!! work that out!
Lucky I still have my younger son (my heart) and I believe there is still hope (denial?) for my middle son so I don’t have to amputate my mind!! lol!
One giant amputation per 6 months is enough I say!
When I first decided I had to remove my mother from my life I was scared for the first year. Then I felt so free! It was wonderful. Too bad I didn’t know back then that she was a sociopath, or I would never have allowed myself to be sucked back in. Her play for sympathy and her apologies fooled me. I didn’t know anything about sociopathy back then. I just knew I couldn’t take the abuse any longer.
Now I know what I’m dealing with and you’ll be happy to know that I have, at least, been able to distance myself almost entirely. As long as she doesn’t have a genuine health emergency (like last summer), I’m gone. And I’m free. Yay!
Dear Tilly and Runningaway,
It IS PAINFUL to “amputate” a member of your “body” and it is difficult to learn to function without that part of your “body” but in the end it is the ONLY way to SURVIVE.
I relate to Tilly because I had to “amputate” my beloved son, my “shining star” child, and with you too, Running, because I had to amputate my egg donor. Just coming to grips with the TRUTH that I COULD amputate these ‘cancers” was almost more than I could even fathom in my mind. I felt lilke I would be totally crippled and unable to function without either of both of these “members” of my body.
If either had died, I could have coped, but cutting out the “living but diseased” flesh of my own body with a “rusty butcher knife” and doing it “without anesthetic” was more than I felt like I could bear. The surgery was so painful, and the wounds so large and gaping, and the “blood loss” almost fatal, but I did it, and looking back, I should have done it much sooner.
Running, I am my egg donor’s only child, and I felt that I was OBLIGATED to care fo rher health, I had overseen her health care for about 20 years and was her primary care practitioner. However, I realized I could not continue to do this and I felt really GUILTY fior “abandoning” her—BUT— then I realized I am NOT obligated to care for her just because she gave birth to me, and actually, she revoked my Power of Attorney—- and I realized I do NOT have the AUTHORITY to even see her medical records much less over see her care, and where there is no authority, there is NO obligation.
After she had devalued and dumped me for the psychopaths, and then they went to jail, she called me one day and wanted to tell me about her latest physician visit, what her Blood Pressure was, and so on and I told her then, “I am no longer your health care provider” and I did not listen to her. Now I am totally NC with her except for the occasional e mail on business, and I stick entirely to BUSINESS in those e mails, I do not even put a salutation at the first, and only my name at the bottom.
I realized too, that I am TOTALLY free of her except for the fact that I know she is still sending money to my P-offspring and has willed him money, but I will fight that after she dies.
In the meantime, I have exhausted ALL avenues of trying to stop her from sending him money so, might as well quit worry about it and just do what I have to do at the time it is necessary.
I also realized that I NO longer even MISS a relationship with her. That was the biggest thing, was missing what I thought I had, but now realize I NEVER had.
Tilly, I’m glad I can explain things so you “get” what I am trying to say, because that is what LF is all about. I wish sometimes I could write with the qualities of some of the other authors, but I also know I have my own style that is ME. Just like your paintings are YOUR style.
How is your class going, BTW?
Dear Oxy, I feel you wrote this for me ,too.yes, its been hugely painful to “amputate my older daughter from my life,and the other daughter “amputated ‘ me, herself, 17 years ago. Ive now ben non physical contact with older daughter since dec. 10th 2008, and nil phone or email contact for 3 months. Each day, I feel a bit better, less stressed,happier, my new “adopted” adult kids give us so much love and joy, and are so grateful for every thing we do, they give us so much more than we could ever give them! Im so grateful to God for giving my husband and I a new family to love. They hug and kiss us,{my husband had NEVER had a hug from my girls}, they call him Daddy,and me Mama or Mum.Abbas helps D. in the garden and loves to do it. We have never ever had any family member help us, think of us, or give us kisses and love like this!.I realise I never had a real relationship with my girls since they were around 15 year of age.I gave and they took, that was it. I dont mean things,but love, I never felt they gave a rats behind about us. We are so lucky and happy now, and I think of my “girls’ less every day.Do I still love them? I suppose so, but its not the same. Ive been so let down, hurt, betrayed, conned abused byboth of them that its hard to feel any real love is left to give.
My guilt at not seeing them is lessening too,each day NC gets easier. I tried to give them both to God, but I kept snatching them back. Now I see I didnt help them at all by overgiving and enabling them to walk all over me, due to a false sense of guilt for leaving their dad.If the older one rang me, in tears again, asking for money , Im not sure still that id be strong enough to tell her to piss off and leave me alone! AllI wanted was one apology, to try to get some sort of closure for all the hurts, betrayals, lies, abuse,etc. but I now see its unlikely ever to happen.So I hope she doesnt call me.I have to give her to God to sort out, because I cant do any more, Im done. Thanks Oxy, and all of you , you have walked the walk, gone thru living Hell, and come out the other side stronger, and I will too. Love, gem.XX{{HUGS}}