By Ox Drover
One of the first things I learned in nursing school was to correctly diagnose the problem before trying to fix it. I wish I had applied this lesson to my own personal life as well as I applied it to my professional life.
We were taught that when there was a perceived need, for example, when the patient was feeling short of breath, to assess why the patient might be feeling short of breath. Was the airway obstructed? If the airway was clear, then what was another likely cause of the problem? Sometimes a patient who is very anxious will feel very short of breath when they are actually getting plenty of oxygen, (as measured by a “pulse ox—”a little gismo that you clip on the patient’s finger and it tells you how much oxygen is in the patient’s blood). Or they will say “I can’t breathe!” when they really mean, “My nose is stopped up.” (If they are talking, they are breathing!)
So I was trained to look at and evaluate the situation, and only then to start to evaluate a plan. Once I had a plan, I was trained to carry that plan out, and to reassess if the plan was helping or not. Just good common sense.
Sometimes victims feel a perceived need; they feel that something is wrong with them. They are “hurting” and unhappy, but they aren’t sure what the problem is, or what is causing the pain and unhappiness. I have been in that same situation; I was hurting from my relationship with the disordered personalities around me. I had a need for love, I had a need for caring from those whom I cared about, but my need was not being met, therefore I felt “short of breath” but didn’t know what was causing my feeling of “suffocating.”
In my pain, in my lack of “oxygen,” I tried everything I could think of, almost at random, and nothing seemed to make me feel any better. I kept suffocating and like a person drowning, I flailed my arms at anything that floated by that might give me support.
I begged my abusers to help me, told them how I was suffering and suffocating, but though they told me they loved me, and I wanted to believe they loved me, their attempts to explain my pain as my own fault didn’t help me. I tried the things they suggested, but nothing worked. No matter how I tried to please them, I always failed.
The punishments they inflicted on me for my failures didn’t make me feel any better either, and I continued to spiral downward until I was critically ill. Still they didn’t seem to perceive how I suffered, or lend me any support.
One day, when I was critically ill, totally beaten down, with barely an emotional “pulse” and in more pain than I had ever imagined was possible, I realized I had not been using “common sense” to stop my downward spiral. I realized the only way I could stop the pain, stop the progression of my life’s downward spiral, was to use the good sense to diagnose the real problem before I started to fix it.
If a patient had come to me and said, “My foot hurts,” I would have looked at the foot and if I saw a thorn, I would not have said “well, let’s give you a pain killer to help your pain.” I would have removed the thorn, the obvious cause of the problem, before doing anything else. If the problem had not been so obvious, if perhaps the foot was tender, red and swollen, I might have taken a blood test to see if there was an infection. I would have asked if the patient had a thorn in there a few days ago, or if they had fallen, or dropped something on it. I would have worked my way down a list of questions that would have helped me get to the real cause of the problem. I would not have just thrown medication at them without knowing what the real problem was.
Why did I try to fix my own pain without finding out what the root cause was? How did I think the “shot gun” approach of just “shooting off in some direction” was going to help me to feel better, to get my life back on track?
Once I backed off and looked at specifics, looked at what the pain was, and what was causing the pain, and realized that as long as I did not take care of the root cause, did not remove the “thorn” from my foot, all the antibiotics in the world would not cure the problem, all the pain killers in the world would not stop the pain. The problem would continue to get worse if I did not take care of the cause of the problem and remove from my life the things (and people) who were inflicting the pain upon me, the infection that was killing me by inches.
Sometimes, the “cure” for our pain involves very extensive “surgery” to remove toxic and malignant “tumors” from ourselves, it might even involve “amputating” someone who is so dear to us we can’t imagine going through life without that person. I had to “amputate” my psychopathic son, and my enabling mother, both of which were traumatic operations for me, and for a while made me feel as if I had no legs, and couldn’t walk ever again. I have found though, like the Bible says, “If thy hand offend then, cut it off” is pretty radical but good advice, and sometimes cutting off a member of our emotional “bodies” is the only way to survive.
Surgery and medical treatment is sometimes painful, and we may want to delay “treatment” because of that potential pain, but I am here to “testify” that life without the malignant people is much, much better!
Dear TB, Ive totally lost the thread with your blog, re your daughters Birthday. I posted a response to it, and now Ive lost the thread! Can you help me find it? Love, and {{HUGS!!}} Gem.XX
No…..she said she was going to take a break….she had a deadline to finish a job…
I hope she’s okay….it’s been a rough go for her lately.
One….we luv ya girly!!!
WITTY,
How are you????
I’m 2 3/4 months away from 18!!!
Things have been on an ‘okay’ front around here…..could change at any moment…..llike we all know!
I do think about you Wits…..hoping your getting some peace.
Dear Oxy, I’ve never posted on this site before but I’ve followed it for a very long time and it has helped me so much. I too have had a dreadful relationship with a sociopath (a murderer who is back in prison after I worked for years to get him released – sound familiar anyone?)
I could write volumes about my experience, his behavior,my co-dependence, etc. etc. but I’m sure it has all been written before. It fills me with shame to admit to it, but thanks to reading others stories, I know I am not alone. It has taken me three years to climb out of the black hole I fell into when he was taken away. However, before he was about to be arrested I found a still, small voice whispering inside of me. It whispered ‘Run!’ It was the voice of survival. To continue with him was to die. I’d had it and could not take any more. I was the one who turned him in to the police and his parole officer as he was violating his parole by a return to drugs. (How’s that for drama? I got him out and I put him back in.)I was one terribly confused woman after all of this. It seems that the sicker he got the sicker I got too.
He is still in prison, and although he made initial attempts at contact, and then another try a few months ago I have maintained No Contact.
Oxy, I don’t know if he’ll ever get out of prison. His initial crime was horrific and it was just a loophole and a hard working advocate (me) that got him released from a life in prison. It appears they have thrown the book at him now and accused him of lying about many things. He may contact me again hoping I’ll get reeled in and work on his legal case again, I don’t know and I don’t care. I can’t, for the sake of my sanity, ever enter that arena again.
But I do have a question that has nagged at me for some time. I could write a letter to the Parole Board telling them many things they don’t know regarding his twisted behaviors (and this would give them even more cause to keep him in.) This feels like revenge to me and I know he would try to even the score somehow through one of his ‘friends.’ It also feels like I would be sinking to the level of the sociopath, himself. I have written the letter over and over but never mailed it. I discharged so much anger just in the writing.
Would there be healing for me if I sent it or would this just be a source of anxiety for me? I think I already know the answer but just would like to hear from some others.
I am so much better than I was three years ago. I seriously doubted my own sanity and my ability to cope was practically gone. Now, aside from troubling dreams sometimes, I can get on with life and make much better choices for myself. I have not gotten this far without extensive therapy and copious reading. I had so much to learn about myself and why I fell into the swamp the way I did. It was a lesson I guess I needed to learn to give me the new-found wisdom I now possess. And yet, still, there are moments when his face will flash into my mind and I feel the old compulsion to be with him. I think, from the progress I’ve made so far and from reading others’ stories that it will just be a matter of time before this stops. The dreams….well I don’t know when they’ll stop, I guess some part of my mind is still processing, after all he downloaded his dark and disordered thoughts into my brain for seven years.
Thanks for listening.
Karleigh:
WELCOME TO LF…..
You sound like you ‘got it together’ girl…..and are well on your way.
I’ve not been in Your shoes…..and your post wasn’t expressed to me…..
But I wanted to welcome you to our support here.
XXOO
eb
Karleigh, hi there, Oxy will probably see your post tomorrow, I don’t have experience regarding your question, just wanted to let you know I’m out here thinking of you. That small voice inside of us is amazing, isn’t it? I am so happy you listened to yours!!! : )
ErinBrock,
I was wondering how things were going with your son. But I hadn’t seen you post anything about it and figured no news was good news.
My thinking is if the disturbing behavior/traits that you see in your son isn’t consistant, and CONSTANT turmoil going on 24/7, that is GOOD news.
And if he shows any willingness to do something that you ask of him, or listens to reason in discussions (even if he doesn’t always follow reason) that is also promising.
Examine his relationships with others. (his peers) Does he have bonding type relationships with others?
What are his plans when he turns 18? Does he have any?
Dear KARLEIGH,
I am so sorry you got mixed up in this mess—-And boy do I EVER know how you feel. When my X-son (a P) came up for parole last time, my egg donor hired an attorney and I got every person in the county it seemed that knows us to write letters of recommendation for US since they had never known patrick, that we would give him a job and a good place to parole to….yea, right!
His crime, murder of a 17 yr old girl, was pretty bad, and our package to the board was EXCELLENT so it got him a 4 year “set off” before he could go back to the board for another chance at parole (5 was the maximum they could have given him) Well, guess what, he already had his Trojan HOrse psychopath in place here just in case, supposedly to take care of and manage the farm, the family and our finances, until he could get out and then he would be “captain of the ship” and take over the management…which would of course have been with my death and then his grandmother’s death (leaving “them” plenty of money to play with) and an airport and a nice farm on which to play.
However his co-captain that was taking care of things let the cat out of the bag, and I figured things out—and when I wasn’t able to do anything legally, I ran which threw a wrench into their plans as I had to (for legal reasoons) die FIRST before my mom did or they were S.O.L. about any money, so the co-captain changed plans and took off on another path that got him arrested and the entire plot shot, along with letters found that layed it out.
For the past two months, I have been going through the letters that my P-son wrote me over 200 yrs in prison, and the ones he wrote to the Trojan Horse Psychopathic pedophile over a period of 7 years or so since they were former cell mates—-the TH-P saved them all! How convenient, and they included their plots and plans for him coming up here to rent a house from me, and infiltrating the family, even to him going to church.
I’ve gone through these, made copies of some of them, hired an attorney and will send them and a letter off to the attorney for presentation to the parole board at the time of his review.
All I can say though, is gete someone who DOES NOT know about this case to read yhour letter before you send it. That was the reason I hired the attorney, I SOUND LIKE A NUT CASE when I try to present it all and I have to be SANE sounding when I talk to them in my letter.
YOur letter must sound rational, reasonable, concise, precise and give them the information in a way that they can be warned that he is a bad actor. I would suggest you spend a couple of hundred bucks for an interview with an attorney to do the most good and YES, SEND IT. Get it on record.
BTW convicts are NOT allowed to know who testifies or writes the board for them or against them.
I’m assuming you helped this guy get out on some sort of technicality and instead of him straightening up, he started drugging again. TYPICAL.
My guess is though that there is a CHANCE he will eventually get out again, and if he is psychopathic like my son, he will be PISSED since you turned him in and got him rearrested.
My son still bears me a grudge about me turning him in from when he was 17 and robbed our friend’s business and shut it down for quite some time. The last person who “ratted him out” was shot in the head twice for her efforts and her body left in a field to rot.
Un fortunately, I think the way our prisons and our “criminal justice system” is (now there is an OXYMORON if every there was one) run, even if a kid went to prison innocent of any crime, by the time he got out, he would be a hardened criminal with a PhD in criminal ideas and methods, and bitter and beaten. Or he would be a predator himself.
Even the people I have know “adjust” to prison and become “felonized”—there is a book, called “The Felon” which is a research book on the ideas and thinking of prisoners after a while and after they adjust to prison, I can’t remember who wrote it but I get you could fiind it on Amazon…their thinking while they are in there is this magical thinkingn of how when they get out they are going to get a great job, a great playboy bunny chick, an great ride, a great apartment, etc. when the REALITY is they can’t get a job at Micky D’s and any woman who will date them is likely to havej only half her teeth and she is NOT going to model for any magazine nude or even with a sackk over her head. Life is boring, go to a menial job, come home to a dump, probably alone, take a bus to go anywhere, and then go to bed and start over the next day—booooooring, and no fun. No money to have fun with, no friends except the ones met in the joint, probably no family that wants them, so the slide down to more crime is fast and almost predictable. If they are psychopathic it is INSTANT return to crime.
I read that book years ago as a way to help me educdate myself about how to SAVE my son from adjusting to prison in that way—-sheesh, was I ever DELUSIONAL!!! a DREAMER! Writing my own fairy tails!!!
Send that letter to the parole board, hire an attorney to present it if you can (find an attorney who specializes in getting the OUT on parole and he will know also how to KEEP them in, and be acdquainted with jthe parole board personally so he can TALK to them as well as present to them at the hearing. USE every possible way to keep him in there! Make sure you are notified if and when he comes up for parole again, there should be some victim’s group connected to the state that would warn hyou when he is to come up for parole or when he is likely to get out. BE CAREFUL. They have long memories. ((((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you and your safety. Hang around here and read and keep on reading and post. There are always folks here to help support yuou!
This post resonated with me because of the use of the word suffocated.. That is how I felt with mine.. He was attentive, caring, told me how beautiful and now much he loved me and dd things for me and I felt suffocated. I told him that.. I didn’t want to get any closer to him.. I had the feeling that I would actually stop breathing or that he would suck my breath out of me. Lately I have had some nightmare like dreams about him. A year ago is when we broke up or rather I knew for sure that I could not be with this man. That he was not good for me.. no matter how much he professed his love for me or how good we looked together as a couple or how helpful he was around the house.. he was leading me on a path to nowhere and it was making me sick and it always did even from the beginning.. it wwas too much, too soon, too fast and going nowhere good for me.
SUFFOCATED… he was sucking my life out of me.. trying to make me over in his image.. his spiritual twisted lost image.. and I wasn’t buying what he was selling…
Had I let him, he and his whole family would have dumped their neediness and dysfuction onto me and I would’ve been lost and not able to breathe. I wouldn’t lost me to make them feel more whole…
SUFFACATED.. if I ever feel that again .. I will run…
I used to cough when he would kiss me.. I would get a tickle in my throat.. When he wasn’t here .. I was fine.. he would try to kiss me and I would cough.. my whole being was rejecting him.. and while I heard myself and did hold back.. I should’ve never let him into my life….
Exposing a Sociopath is risky behavior. They don’t like being exposed. Sometimes we have no choice. But it depends on who you talk too. In my case I spoke too someone who knows him and agreed with my opinion, but wasted no time in getting that info back to the Sociopath. And that is why I got an unexpected visit after a year and half no contact. As he had always threatened me before with ‘i will rock your world’ if you become a problem…So I dont want to antagonize something evil and unpredictable. There is no getting even or gettin revenge on them. Now I am not saying we should live in fear of them but until we out live them be cautious and carry a big stick.