A Cambridge professor, Simon Baron-Cohen, has written Zero Degrees of Empathy: A new theory of human cruelty. In this review, the author explains the professor’s ideas.
Read Why a lack of empathy is the root of all evil, on Independent.co.uk.
Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.
Ox Drover
Far, some of them keep up this mask of being a good parent, coaching soft ball,k baseball, cub scouts, all that crap…but they are using that as part of the “mr/s good guy routine.” With everything else they want to CONTROL the kids.
Sometimes with violence and brute force, sometimes with emotional abuse, sometimes both…or simply neglect (forget to feed the kid) If you ask them they will SAY they “love” their kids, but they have no concept of the fact that people who love their children provide for them physically and emotionally. They don’t know how.
My P sperm donor doted on one of his sons, the other two of my half sibs have nothing to do with him, the one he doted on “the golden child” thinks daddy-o was a saint and is just like him….I think as far as I can hear…I haven’t seen him in decades…but what I hear he is just like his violent manipulative father.
so one out of the 4 of us appears to be just like a clone.
My egg donor isn’t a P but she is a controlling manipulative enabler who thinks she has a pipe line to God himself (who takes instruction from her) she keeps up a mask of “saint” in front of the community but I’ve seen the fangs behind it. She’s an unhappy woman living in a fantasy of her own making. I am NC with her. Sometimes enablers are so INVESTED in protecting the psychopaths that they serve they are like “Igor” who is the Monster’s slave. They are so duped and trauma bonded that they will do whatever is necessary and justify it by “protecting” their “master.”
Recovering
I didnt think it was any different. I tried to observe the behavoir between my spath and his daughter. Out of our * months of dating I think i may have only seen her 5 times and that was due to his enabler mother bringing her around and even so ‘I’ was the one who ended up playing and spending time with her while he napped or did whatever the hell else he wanted to do. He only picked her up once voluntarily after her grandmother had an emergency. I thought of having a family with my ex Spath. I am 26, just now really getting into my career and of course like most women I am ready to start and family, get married, etc…So happy it was not with him. I am so afraid of making the same mistake twice. I do not even want to start back dating, it is SCARY!
lesson learned
Far,
You’re very young yet! Good that this experience happened now rather than later! Just learn to tweek your radar a bit, workin on yourself understanding your vulnerabilities that allowed the predator to tag you and then maybe next time, your chances of picking a spath will be LOOOOOOOOW ! 🙂
LL
Recovering
Ox
That is deep. My Spath lied about doing sooo much for his daughter when I first met him too. I remember him yelling at her once making her cry due to his coke crash irritability and another time telling her that she was not more important than his movie and to leave Daddy alone until it was off. WTF…The signs were there, I was an idiot for ignoring them!
Recovering
LL I think I am the youngest here so far. It actually helps learning from you guys. After this however, I feel hopeless in ever finding a good guy. It’s hard enough dating already dealing with homosexuality, guys who are married, but Spaths was the least of my concerns until now!
Ox Drover
Dear Farwronged,
There ARE good people in this world…but we must “vet” them and watch how they are. People who are:
1. Dishonest—lie, steal, do drugs
2. Irresponsible—do not work steady, support themselves and their children and families
3. Unkind–verbally abusive to anyone
Are NOT the kind of person that you want to date or to over look their dishonesty, irresponsibility, or their unkindness.
AT THE FIRST SIGN of any of these things, just WALK AWAY.
People who are honest, responsible and kind, DO MAKE MISTAKES but they ATONE for them. They truly apologize and CHANGE THEIR WAYS, they don’t do these things over and over and over.
Not everyone who is 1,2 or 3 is a psychopath, but they are NOT the kind of man/woman that someone would want in a long term relationship of intimacy.
A man who has cheated on his previous wife repeatedly is not going to be faithful to you.
A man who is irresponsible with his money or won’t work is not going to start being responsible.
There are a FEW people who have done drugs and got clean and sober and lived good lives, or been in prison, but MOST DON’T get clean and sober, most don’t live a good life after prison. The odds are against it.
ANYONE who has a “record” of heavy addictions, criminal behavior, abuse, or shows any violence (hitting walls, temper tantrums etc.) is NOT A GOOD BET….no matter what else is “good” about them.
Look at Bill Clinton, the man is smart, charasmatic and was president, but he is a liar, serial cheat on his wife and I firmly believe is as dishonest as they come and a psychopath….so all the “good” and noble things he may have done are beside the point, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him.
Though the percentage of the general population that are psychopaths is low, there are many mroe that are TOXIC and DYSFUNCTIONAL so weed out the ones that you can see the RED FLAGS on and then make the others EARN your trust. Don’t let someone sweep you off your feet with bologna and then try to excuse the bad behavior you see. Lots of them are prince charming AT FIRST….but then the mask comes off.
skylar
Far,
we’ve had younger than you, even one as young as 13 or 14, I think. She was very smart though! She absorbed all the info like a sponge and then she left. I’m sure she is doing better than ever now with her knowledge.
You will too. I WISH I had found out about spaths at 26! OMG, I would still have money instead of debt. They are easy to spot, once you know. The hard part it staying out of their radar in the first place. You have to LIVE gray rock.
OneBeliever
Ahh. My guy with his children was really quite strange. I think they saw the real him only in the car or at other times when the four of them were together without me.
One of the first things I noticed when I moved in that I hadn’t witnessed before is how pissy he was with them. Slamming doors and drawers if he was running late. Warning them the night before when it was bed time to ‘not make him late tomorrow – or else.’
I know there weren’t harsh consequences unless it was the son, the oldest. He always got it the worst.
But to somewhat fair, I do believe he does try to be a good father to his children. He dedicated a lot of time to them when we had them even though his idea of quality time was sitting in front a flat screen watching movies. And he fought tooth and nail for his parental rights.
However, the oldests mom calls my ex her sperm donor. And he calls himself that too.
I really hope those children turn out OK.
lesson learned
One,
Once you moved in, how long were you there before you got out of the relationship? Did you acquire a parenting role when the children were there?
LL
Recovering
Thank you Ox. I just printed that out! How long do you think a heart needs to heal after a spath before one starts dating again. I am definitely not looking to right now but any advice???