A Cambridge professor, Simon Baron-Cohen, has written Zero Degrees of Empathy: A new theory of human cruelty. In this review, the author explains the professor’s ideas.
Read Why a lack of empathy is the root of all evil, on Independent.co.uk.
Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.
Ox Drover
Jefferson was a great politician and statesman, he was also a slave owner, and had children by his slave mistress….though actually, I think he loved her, but the times/culture were different then.
He was also a very wise financial manager of the public budget, but a very poor manager of his own personal finances.
I still believe he was one of the best men, best presidents and statesmen our country ever produced.
Many of our early political leaders, including George Washington were slave owners and built their wealth on the labor of others that they owned totally, body and soul. Washington, though was very much the aristocrat and self serving politician who profited highly on his “expense account” during the revolutionary war, and actually gained 20 pounds the winter the troops were starving at Valley Forge while he and his wife and officers diverted themselves by putting on plays and dances while the troops didn’t have blankets or shoes. He “awarded” himself over 50,000 acres of bounty lands for his services and easily justified this when he was politically criticized for enriching himself.
When he was elected president, he tried to decline a salary, wanting instead only “expenses” –but the Congress gave him a salary which was equivalent to $1.5 million dollars— but he said it was bankrupting him…they had learned that giving him his idea of “expenses” was wayyyyy more than the salary. LOL He had bought Martha a coach and six as way of “expenses” that was more than the entire year’s salary they gave him…and of course kept it after the war. LOL He also paid the laundry woman’s daughter for what is supposed to have been for sexual services as well as washing. LOL
kim frederick
I read an article yesterday about BPDs and betrayal bonding. OMG…my life story. So much trauma, so much betrayal, on and on and on. One betrayal begat another and so on and so on and so on. And then I became my own worst enemy but couldn’t help it. I was the walking wounded with a mark on my forhead that said kick me, but I didn’t know it was there, so I didn’t know why I kept getting kicked.
Three and a half years, spath free, relationship free, crack and drug free….except the alcohol….gotta get over this hump….
I called around looking for therapy a week or so ago…only place I can afford is the place I was court ordered to before, and they will only do substance abuse counseling…won’t touch the BPD stuff…..
I could probably handle it, but I just know it sucks. Take away my pain killer, let all the trauma surface, pat me on the head and send me home to deal with it. SHIT.
Sorry, guys. Just being incredebly honest and vulnerable, here.
Ox Drover
Dear Kimmie,
Darling, if you deal with the BOOZE, then YOU can deal with the BPD, if you don’t deal with the BOOZE, the BPD can’t be fixed either.
For what it is worth, I think BPD is much more “fixable” (especially at the lower levels) than many of the other PDs as much of the behavior and attitudes I think on BPD are LEARNED and what is learned can be UNlearned, and you have already made a great deal of progress in that aspect.
Facing the booze problem, one day at a time, and being sober will allow you to work on the other issues.
Being ANGRY, being AFRAID, feeling VULNERABLE to your world crashing I think is a big part of the BPD mind set and attitude….but I think also that there are some genetic aspects too.
I’;m reading a really great book right now, just started it last night and could hardly put it down….about the HYPER-empathetic and enabling aspects of “victims”—and how sometimes People who are “professional victims” are also abusers as well. (like Psychopaths or high end BPDs) and how a lot of the “research” done on the “battered woman syndrome” was NOT research at all but was a feminist attempt to go the opposite of “blaming the victim” to the point that NO responsibility was EVER assigned to someone, even if they WERE a co-participant in the abuse to the point that they were the actual abuser themselves.
It looks at people who are actually psychopaths and pretend to be “abused women” or “trauma bonded” when in fact they are anything but victims, but they are good at masking themselves as the victim in an attempt to gaslight the system into believing they are the victim, not the abuser.
Many of us have actually participated in our own victimization, by either trauma bonding, or by the victim-persecutor-rescuer triangle of dysfunctional musical chairs….or denial, or enabling/co-dependency. There are a FEW totally “innocent” victims, but they are few and far between I think…and I don’t count myself among them. I set myself up for abuse/victim-hood. Now I am actively working toward AVOIDING victim-hood, avoiding enabling others, and taking responsibility for myself.
I no longer FEEL like a victim, or feel that I have no control over how I react to things that happen. You have as much control as you care to exercise Kim, you know that. We are behind you! (((hugs))))
skylar
Kim,
I posted to you but LF crashed I think.
you said:
Did you know that comples post traumatic stree disorder is synonous with BPD?
Did you mean complex PTSD is synonomous with BPD?
Do you have links to more info? I’m very interested.
have you heard of dialectic therapy for BPD?
kim frederick
Oxy, in my last spath relationship I was sbusive. I admit it. And I still maintain, (as abusers do) that he deserved it. Well, not really…a part of me does. Another part of me knows that my illness prevented me from doing the only right thing, quit trying to control him and let the guy go. It was an emotional train wreck. He tortured me, and I hated him at the same time that I thought he could fix it. Very sick relationship, and we were both a part of the dynamic.
That is one reason it has been difficult for me to be here. I am not entirely sure he is a spath. He sure as hell quacks like a duck, though. LOL. He might be an incredably low bottom drunk with BPD himself….if so, how can I continue to criticise him? I need to be able to get around my own shame and guilt, too. I need some self-acceptance, and I want to be at peace.
It’s not healthy for me to see it in shade of only black and white…Like I’m all good and he’s all bad…..maybe he is, but it’s possible he’s not. And beleive me, I know I’m not all good.
What I try to believe these days is, If I knew better, I’d have done better.
The only evidence I have that I’m not a spath myself is that I do feel empathy, and I do have remorse. Every thing else is a train wreck.
I read something interesting, yesterday…you know how spaths have trouble identifying facial expressions with the appropriate emotion?
Well they did studies on BPD women and a control group of normals, and the bpd’s identified facial expressions significantly faster than the normals.
That makes sense to me. If you are constantly hypervigilant, looking for clues in your invironment on what to expect, next…if you are always trying to appease an abuser, you will find it helpfull to read emotion quickly.
But isn’t that empathy….or is just manipulation? I don’t know. Just thought it was interesting.
I think there’s a bit of fear involved in the giving up drinking. It’s a huge commitment, and I’m afraid I might fail.
Also, when I was sober for nine years, I still had to deal with the BPD stuff, and it is really difficult….some things I never did master,,,dependancy issues especially…..and finding a career path….relationships…..sexual abuse…..
I’m afraid, at my age, to deal with that shiat again.
And yet I am working on them, sort of…on my own. Reading everyday and learning, but I know the drinking is my defence and it f@#$s me up.
Thanks for being here Ox.
kim frederick
Yes, Skylar, that’s what I meant. I will try to find the article, and post a link for you.
skylar
http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131
Kim,
This therapy is supposed to work. If you can’t afford treatment, maybe this book will help you. it has good reviews.
lesson learned
Kimmy,
I don;’t want to invalidate what you’re saying here, as you know yourself better than I do, and my comments will be only in observance of what I see in your post above.
I think you’re reeeeeeeeeeeeeally hard on yourself, particularly with your own reactions in the relationship with your spath that you say you were abusive too. I can’t tell you how often this theme runs, which also adds levels of unnecessary shame to your recovery.
In my DV group, our NORMAL reactions to an ABNORMAL situation, LOOKS LIKE abuse. Often, spaths are PROVOKING.. Being in a relationship with one means you have to be black./white. EACH one of these women reacted to their abusers in what would be an “abusive” response, but they were NOT abusive. If this is the way you acted OUTSIDE of the relationship, with others, there might be some merit to saying your abusive. But I don’t see that here.
I can’t diagnose you, obviously, but I do think PTSD could be the issue compounded by an alcohol issue which is NOT uncommon after a relationship with a spath.
I’ve been reading up on BPD too. There are some elements there that say I am on the low end of the scale, however, my PTSD symptoms are far more pronounced. Being out of the relationshit just five months now, I’m still dealing with all the trauma. My new therapist wants to do DBT with me and a friend sent me info that DBT is also used for PTSD. I just started with this new therapist. My assessment is complete, but she wasn’t ready, nor did she feel it appropriate to diagnose me as BPD. There are some MAJOR signs across the board in BPD’s in which I definitely did not fit the profile. You may be on the low end too, kimmy, but alcohol exacerbates your symptoms, whether it’s PTSD or BPD or both.
If you can get yourself off the alcohol, your emotions might not swing as wildly either. I understand Kimmy because alcohol has been a problem for me since the relationshit in which drinking was a requirement. I’ve relapsed a few times since the relationshit has been over. I have to be very careful about triggers right now. VERY. No matter what that is, where it is, so that’s what I’m doing. My therapist told me that this is going to be an incredibly long and painful process because of the level of damage, not just with last spath, but as a result of multiple abuse trauma from childhood.
If you have BPD, I don’t think you’re a lost cause Kimmy, but it WILL be harder to heal when you’re drinking. I’m not judging you for that as I totally understand and I believe you are aware of how it’s affecting you. It’s a big crutch when you’re in pain or avoiding what might be painful. Perhaps that’s all it is for you right now.
Either way, my thoughts are with you and don’t give up!
LL
kim frederick
Skylar, thanks for the link to the book. I will order it. Yes, last week when I went therapy shopping I asked the therapists I talked to, if they were familiar with DBT. One, I would have liked to work with, but WAY too expensive.
LL. Thanks for your response!! It helps not to blame myself for my reactions to the spath. He did do a lot of provoking…and he did torture me emotionally, often with much glee. Just having him out of my life, and not getting involved in another relationship is enormous progress for me.
I have been in unstable relationships all my life…in addition to trauma bonding, and love addiction (if you want to call it that) and these last 3+ years I’ve been able to kick those things, get peaceful, and focus on myself.
I used to think I was on the low-end of the scale, because I don’t act out with most people, and can sustain good relationships with friends and family. (only men I’m in an intimate relationship with, and boy do I attract the ducks!!!) I don’t harm myself by cutting or burning or any of that stuff,
but I do have mood swings, and I feel everything intensly.
I have abused drugs and alcohol since I was 12, with the exception of the 9 years in AA.
When I look at my life and the self destruction, though, I think I’m higher on that scale than I used to think.
I am hoping that I will choose sobriety soon.
Thanks, again.
skylar
Kim,
the book sounds so good I’m going to order it for me too.
Anything that helps with PTSD and trauma bonding, I will try.
You sound like men are your triggers. I wonder why that would be? Could it be that it isn’t BPD, but actually it’s just that you attract spaths? I know I do. Like a magnet. But I never had much opportunity to discover much from most of them. Only the uber-spath really reeled me in. He used the pity ploy, which is my biggest vulnerability because of my martyr-complex.