Last week I found myself in an intimidating situation that required me to put all my skills of resilience in to practice. I was in the hands of a professional person who should be there to care for others. I was in a hugely vulnerable position, yet instead of receiving care, I felt myself being belittled, bullied and threatened. The person dishing out this particularly cruel treatment was a senior doctor in a private clinic, where I am a patient. A few years ago I would probably have put up with his behaviour, or brushed it off as being just something I mis-read — but not this time. Not now. Not ever again.
So I thought I’d share my story here on Lovefraud.
As you already know, I had a health scare that was resolved a couple of weeks ago. Whilst I was given the all-clear at the time, the doctor said it would make sense to arrange for a biopsy to double-check and to put my mind at rest; purely, he reassured me, because of my family medical history (mum had died of breast cancer at the age of 44). The straight forward needle-biopsy would be done under local anesthetic and would take less than half an hour. So last Thursday, I trotted off to the clinic expecting a purely routine, simple procedure that would prove beyond doubt that I have a clean bill of health.
I felt chirpy, relaxed, and perfectly ready for whatever they wanted to do — a marked difference from my previous visit where I was uptight, frightened and full of dread. They’re a great bunch of people there, and I chatted away happily to the receptionists and also to the technician who came in to explain the details of what was going to happen.
All fine, all good, all dandy — everything made perfect sense (although I felt a little unnerved by the technician’s statement that nobody can be sure that the lump is not cancerous until the tests are completed in the laboratory) and I went in to the doctor’s surgery feeling calm and prepared.
Just When You Least Expect It
I am making a point of telling you this, because I am keen to make it clear why I felt so totally blindsided by what happened next. The friendly technician (Thomas), thank goodness, was still in the room when the doctor arrived. The very moment he walked in, though, the atmosphere changed. The smile went from Thomas’ face, and I felt him tighten up as the doctor criticized everything he had done to prepare me. The cleaning and sterilization wasn’t correct, the anesthetic wasn’t the right one”¦ even the fact that Thomas had allowed me to keep my shoes on was wrong!
Bear in mind I’m lying half naked on a table, my arm above my head with my breast covered in yellow iodine — and here was this so-called professional (who hadn’t even had the courtesy to greet me or even give me a smile) throwing disapproving comments to the friendly technician who had done everything he could to put me at ease. It was a hugely uncomfortable atmosphere, and I felt myself stiffening. I was in a physically vulnerable situation, but there was no way I was going to let myself be bullied by this rude man.
So I started chit-chatting to break the tension. The doctor was sitting next to me but still would not look at me — although I was looking straight up in to his eyes. Can you guess what I saw? The familiar empty, cold and emotionless expression that sent a shiver of recognition down my spine.
I knew how important it was to get this biopsy over and done with, so I kept on looking at the doctor and kept asking questions. He asked me to point out the lump because he was having difficulty finding it on the ultrasound. When I moved my hand towards the area he huffed, rolled his eyes and told me off for accidentally touching a part of my skin. “Now look what she’s done” he spat at Thomas “we’re going to have to sterilize all over again!”
It carried on like that for a good few minutes more. I asked what he could see on the screen and said to him that I’d been told that there was nothing to worry about
“Well, Madame” he sneered, pushing the scanner just a little harder than necessary in to my breast “it doesn’t look like ”˜nothing’ to me — you have lots of cysts, but this”¦ this is something quite different!”
Deliberate Cruelty
He seemed to take pleasure brandishing his power, and deliberately making me nervous. It was working on Thomas, but it wasn’t going to work on me. I kept my focus strong and refused to look away from his eyes — still keeping my expression relaxed and my breathing regular as he picked up a huge needle and brought it close to my breast.
“And now, Madame” he said, fixing me with cold eyes and a straight face “you have to shut your mouth and shut your eyes”
Taking a deep breath and maintaining eye contact, I calmly said no. “I can give you silence” I said “but I am not closing my eyes”
“Well you have to” he replied, a little taken aback by what he probably saw as insolence “I have to work in silence and it annoys me if a patient watches what I am doing. I must instruct you now to close your eyes and keep your mouth shut while I do my work. I need you to do this or I cannot do my work”
“And I need someone who can reassure me and put me at ease” I replied, still staying calm, still smiling, and still fixing him with my gaze “this is my body, and I would like to watch what is happening”
With that, his mask slipped. Blinking furiously, he threw down his instruments, stood up, huffed and puffed and spat out the words “I won’t work in this way Madame, you’ve ruined it. You’ve messed it up, this is your problem. I am leaving – good day Madame!”
And with that he flounced out of the room, slamming the door behind him like a petulant teenager, leaving Thomas and I open-mouthed in the silence that remained.
So that was the end of my biopsy. I sat up, covering myself as best I could and looked to Thomas for some kind of explanation. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but still the whispering questions had already threatened to surface “Is this my fault? Could I have handled this differently?” — but those questions were instantly silenced when I saw Thomas’s face. He was mortified.
“I am so sorry Madame” he said, reaching out to touch my shoulder “this is nothing to do with you. He is a very difficult man and we have had many problems with him. He’s the same with all of us, it’s very bad”
“But this is not right!” I replied, tears of frustration pricking in my eyes and uncontrollable shakes by now beginning to show in my hands “It’s not right that he’s allowed to do this! Why is he in this job? How can he be allowed to treat people this way? It’s totally unacceptable!”
And then came the response I have now become accustomed to hearing
“But he’s our boss. We know it’s wrong, but what can we do?”
Standing Up For What Is Right
This monster works in a clinic that specializes in detecting and treating breast cancer. My heart sank, imagining how many people — staff as well as numerous vulnerable patients — this so-called professional is bullying and criticizing every day of his life. How many people leave the clinic feeling a little less confident, a little more worthless, and in some cases physically abused. People who go there expecting help and support in their darkest moments, and end up feeling belittled and humiliated! But because this man is an educated, revered professional, nobody is standing up to him — so he gets away with it!
I understand that I am the first person this man has actually walked out on. Good, so he’ll remember me. Because I’m also the first person who is going to stand up, speak out, and make certain this man is held accountable for his actions.
The experience shook me enormously. For the next couple of days I found myself bursting in to tears for no apparent reason. But you know what? I’m now back on track and taking the first steps towards dealing with the authorities who are responsible for this man. I’ll let you know how I get on.
In the meantime, my biopsy has been rescheduled with another doctor for Friday 13th April — lucky for some, and super-lucky for me. Well, at least that’s what I’m choosing to think in any case!
Mel – What a story! Good for you! we should all be so brave!
I hope the guy gets reprimanded – although, of course it’s unlikely to change him. Maybe a whisper campaign is needed – when you hear of another woman in your position, just say, don’t go to Dr. Bully.
What an absolute terrible ordeal for you to have to go through, as if the scare of breast cancer and the biopsy weren’t enough.
I am so glad you stayed strong and that you are standing up for not only yourself, but for other patients as well, in doing what is right to remediate this situation.
i know there have been times when I was not strong enough to stand up for what was right, due to still feeling weak from all the emotional damage sustained.
Your story is inspiring me to continue getting back to who I really am at my core, which is not someone who is afraid to speak up about what’s right either.
It is appalling that someone like him would be employed in such a profession, but I also realize there are no boundaries where spaths are concerned, as far as where they might turn up. They are indeed everywhere, it seems, and esp. where you would least expect.
Mel,
I am SO amazed at your response and your determination! It is awesome and inspiring. I am sorry you had to be in the room with this horror. But you really stayed in your truth, and I am proud you were able. Every time a LF blogger stays centered and grounded I feel proud and cheered by their success!
OMgosh, I have GOT to get back to work!
Slim
Wow. What a story. That’s horrible. Can you report him to the Board of Health? Make a complaint? Get something on record about this SOB?
There are very warped people out there. A year ago January, one of my closest friends was admitted to the cardiac ICU. It was totally unexpected and very upsetting initially.
She would end up dying in a few weeks and she never left that bed alive, but one of the nurses put me through hell.
You could hear the delight in her voice telling me that my friend was probably “going to go,” it really didn’t look that good, but she couldn’t share the patient’s medical condition with me, but she said enough that led me to believe that possibly would happen within hours. This is an ICU nurse. I was so upset that even though I caught the delight in her voice, I was more interested in my friend’s health. I dismissed it because my friend was in such a bad state and I wanted to know her medical status.
I called back within an hour and asked if I should come in and sit with her. I didn’t want her to die alone.
Then the half-laugh came. The gloating was unmistakable, “Oh, you don’t have to come back this evening. I didn’t mean she’d go tonight.”
That’s when I realized what I was dealing with and thought, “Oh yes you did, you bitch.”
Thanks, Mel, for your story and taking the time to write it. I’ve been on a table like that except the surgeon in my case said to the others, even though they knew I was awake, “She’s going to have to come back to have it taken off.” He wasn’t being cruel. Just stupid.
Your ability to speak up for yourself is admirable. Good for you.
Thank you for sharing this “in the moment” and not as a “years afterwards and in retrospect, this is what happened to me” story. It is very, very powerful. Especially your refusal to close your eyes. Your refusal to submit to anyone’s sovereignty over your Self. Amen. And good luck at your try-again biopsy soon. And blessings to Thomas and all others who deal with this beastly man on a daily or one-time basis.
YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS MEL!
I’m so proud of you! (((hugs)))
The man is spath with no empathy for his patients. They often go into jobs like that. And you don’t know if he would have purposely hurt you or turned in the wrong sample.
When I was 15, someone at a health clinic found ONE lump in my breast and made a big deal. Then I went to my family doctor who did the needle biopsy without anasthetic and told me while he was doing it, that it was probably cancer. WTF?
I got a referral to a surgeon who measured it and said not to worry, it would go away.
the initial family doc was a spath trying to scare me. There are lots of those out there. If a person is evil enough to play with your fear, they are evil enough to do anything.
You did the right thing. That doctor needs to get a job cleaning toilets.
TOWANDA, Mel! What an inspiring story. I’m sorry you had to go through that shit treatment, but wow you did ABSOLUTELY RIGHT by yourself.
I’ve noticed in little ways that I’ve been able to stay incredibly centered when people pressure/bully me into some shitty situation or attempt to manipulate me, on the job, in the classroom, towards my ex-spath’s sister/cousin etc… And if I don’t like what’s going on, I stop everything and just plainly tell people, “This is not ok, not right, and I want you to stop doing this.” I say it calmly, friendly, but I call them on it, and I stop participating in the drama and events. AND it feels SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SELF-EMPOWERING when I do it. Sometimes it has positive results, sometimes it has non other than like that HORRID doctor to run off like a spoiled child, but at the very least I did not end up feeling bullied by people.
I hope you can make an official complaint about this horrid professional.
Mel,
It makes me so angry when people who are smart and talented but without empathy become physicans and nurses and health care professionals. The medical profession in particular, and surgeons for some reason, seem to be filled with this type of person. I am so sorry you ahd such a horrible experience…I hope you will get your biopsy in another clinic and do report him to the medical board.
Even many medical schools seem to encourage the GOD complex in their graduates, though this is decreasing somewhat I think in my time as a Registered Nurse Practitioner, as other health care professionals, APNs, PAs are becoming recognized as health care advocates and providers.
Great article and I hope it will encourage more people to stand up for themselves and their own medical care. Unfortunately too many people don’t have your spunk! Good job!!!!
I am a long time reader of LF and have found it a very helpful resourse, I once thought husband here was a spath, he is however Aspergers according to my therapist, he is 68 and has lived all his life without awareness of his condition and is also a Vietnam vet with PTSD although how much is his AS and how much is PTSD is questionable, sadly I will need to leave him because living with him is toxic for me.
The reason I wanted to comment here is that the doctors response of asking the patient to close their eyes is very AS most likely felt uncomfortable being watched, they can also have very harsh and abrupt manner.
As has only been diagnosed in children since the early 90’s with help they can learn to mimic empathy but still can’t feel it, of course there are many adults undiagnosed and many are in medicine as well as IT and engineering. I hasten to add here that it makes very little difference to the experience whether it AS or something else.
There is another site that I usually post on and many of the parents there hope their children to not choose medicince because of thier poor people skills, not good thing in a doctor!
I can imagine what a horrible experience this must have been, and what label we stick on the doctor doesn’t matter, good on you Mel for standing up for yourself, many of us may have complied, although I may have before, but not now.
It’s amazing how people like these are acceptable to practise with people they should be in a lab, where a lot of them would be much happier, of course I understand that many doctors maybe spath as well, this just struck me as AS.
Believe me AS can be incrediblebly toxic in a relationship there may be, and often is porn addiction, major meltdowns, circular crazy making arguments, sex addiction or no interest, and usually high conflict divorce, and did I mention lies, and recreating history, yep it is easy to confuse them but in the end it’s all toxic to live with.
Thanks for this great site I have learned so much, you all rock.
Blessings
mmmary,
you are right, the doctor does sound like Aspergers. My BF can’t work while being watched and he is very exacting too.
There are plenty of jobs that a doctor without people skills can take, he doesn’t have to make human beings who are already suffering, more miserable.