Last week I found myself in an intimidating situation that required me to put all my skills of resilience in to practice. I was in the hands of a professional person who should be there to care for others. I was in a hugely vulnerable position, yet instead of receiving care, I felt myself being belittled, bullied and threatened. The person dishing out this particularly cruel treatment was a senior doctor in a private clinic, where I am a patient. A few years ago I would probably have put up with his behaviour, or brushed it off as being just something I mis-read — but not this time. Not now. Not ever again.
So I thought I’d share my story here on Lovefraud.
As you already know, I had a health scare that was resolved a couple of weeks ago. Whilst I was given the all-clear at the time, the doctor said it would make sense to arrange for a biopsy to double-check and to put my mind at rest; purely, he reassured me, because of my family medical history (mum had died of breast cancer at the age of 44). The straight forward needle-biopsy would be done under local anesthetic and would take less than half an hour. So last Thursday, I trotted off to the clinic expecting a purely routine, simple procedure that would prove beyond doubt that I have a clean bill of health.
I felt chirpy, relaxed, and perfectly ready for whatever they wanted to do — a marked difference from my previous visit where I was uptight, frightened and full of dread. They’re a great bunch of people there, and I chatted away happily to the receptionists and also to the technician who came in to explain the details of what was going to happen.
All fine, all good, all dandy — everything made perfect sense (although I felt a little unnerved by the technician’s statement that nobody can be sure that the lump is not cancerous until the tests are completed in the laboratory) and I went in to the doctor’s surgery feeling calm and prepared.
Just When You Least Expect It
I am making a point of telling you this, because I am keen to make it clear why I felt so totally blindsided by what happened next. The friendly technician (Thomas), thank goodness, was still in the room when the doctor arrived. The very moment he walked in, though, the atmosphere changed. The smile went from Thomas’ face, and I felt him tighten up as the doctor criticized everything he had done to prepare me. The cleaning and sterilization wasn’t correct, the anesthetic wasn’t the right one”¦ even the fact that Thomas had allowed me to keep my shoes on was wrong!
Bear in mind I’m lying half naked on a table, my arm above my head with my breast covered in yellow iodine — and here was this so-called professional (who hadn’t even had the courtesy to greet me or even give me a smile) throwing disapproving comments to the friendly technician who had done everything he could to put me at ease. It was a hugely uncomfortable atmosphere, and I felt myself stiffening. I was in a physically vulnerable situation, but there was no way I was going to let myself be bullied by this rude man.
So I started chit-chatting to break the tension. The doctor was sitting next to me but still would not look at me — although I was looking straight up in to his eyes. Can you guess what I saw? The familiar empty, cold and emotionless expression that sent a shiver of recognition down my spine.
I knew how important it was to get this biopsy over and done with, so I kept on looking at the doctor and kept asking questions. He asked me to point out the lump because he was having difficulty finding it on the ultrasound. When I moved my hand towards the area he huffed, rolled his eyes and told me off for accidentally touching a part of my skin. “Now look what she’s done” he spat at Thomas “we’re going to have to sterilize all over again!”
It carried on like that for a good few minutes more. I asked what he could see on the screen and said to him that I’d been told that there was nothing to worry about
“Well, Madame” he sneered, pushing the scanner just a little harder than necessary in to my breast “it doesn’t look like ”˜nothing’ to me — you have lots of cysts, but this”¦ this is something quite different!”
Deliberate Cruelty
He seemed to take pleasure brandishing his power, and deliberately making me nervous. It was working on Thomas, but it wasn’t going to work on me. I kept my focus strong and refused to look away from his eyes — still keeping my expression relaxed and my breathing regular as he picked up a huge needle and brought it close to my breast.
“And now, Madame” he said, fixing me with cold eyes and a straight face “you have to shut your mouth and shut your eyes”
Taking a deep breath and maintaining eye contact, I calmly said no. “I can give you silence” I said “but I am not closing my eyes”
“Well you have to” he replied, a little taken aback by what he probably saw as insolence “I have to work in silence and it annoys me if a patient watches what I am doing. I must instruct you now to close your eyes and keep your mouth shut while I do my work. I need you to do this or I cannot do my work”
“And I need someone who can reassure me and put me at ease” I replied, still staying calm, still smiling, and still fixing him with my gaze “this is my body, and I would like to watch what is happening”
With that, his mask slipped. Blinking furiously, he threw down his instruments, stood up, huffed and puffed and spat out the words “I won’t work in this way Madame, you’ve ruined it. You’ve messed it up, this is your problem. I am leaving – good day Madame!”
And with that he flounced out of the room, slamming the door behind him like a petulant teenager, leaving Thomas and I open-mouthed in the silence that remained.
So that was the end of my biopsy. I sat up, covering myself as best I could and looked to Thomas for some kind of explanation. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but still the whispering questions had already threatened to surface “Is this my fault? Could I have handled this differently?” — but those questions were instantly silenced when I saw Thomas’s face. He was mortified.
“I am so sorry Madame” he said, reaching out to touch my shoulder “this is nothing to do with you. He is a very difficult man and we have had many problems with him. He’s the same with all of us, it’s very bad”
“But this is not right!” I replied, tears of frustration pricking in my eyes and uncontrollable shakes by now beginning to show in my hands “It’s not right that he’s allowed to do this! Why is he in this job? How can he be allowed to treat people this way? It’s totally unacceptable!”
And then came the response I have now become accustomed to hearing
“But he’s our boss. We know it’s wrong, but what can we do?”
Standing Up For What Is Right
This monster works in a clinic that specializes in detecting and treating breast cancer. My heart sank, imagining how many people — staff as well as numerous vulnerable patients — this so-called professional is bullying and criticizing every day of his life. How many people leave the clinic feeling a little less confident, a little more worthless, and in some cases physically abused. People who go there expecting help and support in their darkest moments, and end up feeling belittled and humiliated! But because this man is an educated, revered professional, nobody is standing up to him — so he gets away with it!
I understand that I am the first person this man has actually walked out on. Good, so he’ll remember me. Because I’m also the first person who is going to stand up, speak out, and make certain this man is held accountable for his actions.
The experience shook me enormously. For the next couple of days I found myself bursting in to tears for no apparent reason. But you know what? I’m now back on track and taking the first steps towards dealing with the authorities who are responsible for this man. I’ll let you know how I get on.
In the meantime, my biopsy has been rescheduled with another doctor for Friday 13th April — lucky for some, and super-lucky for me. Well, at least that’s what I’m choosing to think in any case!
Great post!!! The late Mary Kay Ash chose 13 as her lucky number. I hope you find great results and a compassionate doctor.
mmmary, you bring up a valid point — the end result being that regardless of the dx, the resulting environment is toxic for YOU. That’s what I see time and time again on these boards whenever other disorders are mentioned. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether someone is hurting you out of ignorance, incapability, or sport — it hurts.
GOOD FOR YOU, Mel!! I so admire the way you stood your ground. All the best for the 13th. You have many supporters here that will be thinking of you and sending good vibes, prayers, and wishes your way.
Lady Ruiz, I totally agree, “At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether someone is hurting you out of ignorance, incapability, or sport it hurts.” -Well said!
the sisterhood: I would say this to the bf time and time again, when he would say, mad that I was hurt, “But I didn’t mean to hurt you when I did/said that.” I would say, “What does a cop say when you say, “I didn’t MEAN to drive so fast!”? You still drove too fast. You still have to pay the ticket.
A retired nurse told me that what she was starting out, nurses not only had to hold doors open in a hospital to let the MDs pass, but they had to bow their heads and curtsey in acknowledgment as well.
I’ve found that god-thinking present in the psychology field as well. Boy, do we give away our power there. We lay ourselves bare, seek explanations, and hold what the therapists say as gospel. Not everybody is like that, but there are a good number who are.
A question for you, mmmary, how did your therapist determine that about your husband? Did she ever meet or evaluate your husband? Most mental health professionals that I know are adamant against diagnosing anyone that they have never seen (or only have second-hand information about.) And when it comes to psychopathy, most of them are not trained in that area at all.
One reason that I ask is that my S mother and P sister went to the P’s therapist to get “family therapy” about me meaning they think you can go to a therapist, describe what you think is wrong with someone, and the therapist will tell you what’s wrong with that person and how to handle them. You do NOT want to know what my P sister thought “tough love” entitled her to do-and she thought I needed it.
Anyway, whenever I got around them, I’d shut down and withdraw. Not in an emotionally disturbed fashion, more in a gray rock manner. They decided that meant I had multiple personalities because they had heard and seen me act differently with others.
My P sister actually reported back to me (shows you how much she knows) that the therapist said, “I doubt that she (me) has multiple personalities, but I wouldn’t doubt that she dissociates.” As in mentally escaping from these people.
I found that hysterically funny because obviously the therapist had a good clue what I was up against.
Mel, you are an inspiration. I love your articles and get something timely in each one I read (coincidence?). This one inspires me to stand up to a “friend” who belittles me constantly. I have avoided it too long.
Thank you for the push I’ve been needing.
Dear Mel, I am sorry you experienced this horrible man, and I commend you for acting as you did; it is a very tough thing to do specially when you are in the most vulnerable position and in profound doubt about everything and forced to undergo terrible exams. ((((((Hugs))))) After all you are the customer and he has to provide a service that is worth the price you pay, and you are entitled to report bad service provided. These clinics all have quality control programs and they take complaints VERY seriously! Customer satisfaction is one of the very important benchmark items!
Spath or Asperger or bad hair day, he has to be empathetic and understanding or he is in the wrong place. Specially if he is in a breast cancer clinics where he can’t avoid dealing with conscious anxious hypervigilant women all the time.
And I am sure he is not THE boss but just one small to the maximum inflated Nought who has other bosses above him who do the same onto him as he did onto you.
When I watched for the first time “Dr. House” I was shocked because he acted SO REAL (I encountered in every hospital I worked at least two or three of them) and I thought the script writer was a traitor revealing the TRUE medical profession behind the facade… Later I learned that patients adored House for his cleveness and hoped for a brain like him in OUR hospital too!) They saw the fiction and not behind the mask.
Dear Mel, I wish you all the best for your exam, and keep my fingers crossed!
MEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE A HEROIINE!!!! Good for YOU!!! I was just talking with a dear friend the other day about just such people in positions of power. We are SO vulnerable when we are at the mercy of physicians and some of these people take their power and narcissism to such a level that it’s terrifying.
GOOD for you, Mel, honestly. It’s SO good to read that someone has had the cheek and righteous indignation to remind these demi-gods that the only thing that they have that we don’t is an education. Not everyone is meant to practice medicine, especially the jackass that you’ve described! I hope he NEVER forgets you OR your unsterlized breast!!!!
TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That just horrifies me, Mel! You really did everything right, and I would strongly encourage you to report him as well. To think of all the poor women who didn’t have your strength and had to be violated by him is appalling! “First do no harm”, right? He should be removed from that practice.
Mel,
Yes, I do love stories of appropriately “standing up for yourself.” Bullies hate to be exposed. Get ready that he will make up some lie about you in the exam room….. that “you were difficult, uncooperative, non-compliant, refused proper treatment,” etc.
That is how these monsters operate, with an air of authority. I think go online and write a review about Dr. Monster. Expose, expose, expose.
It is the people that keep the “people” (monsters) in line.
Here is a quote by Edmund Burke:
“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.
One More by Winston Churchill:
“Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never in nothing,
great or small, large or petty never give in except to convictions of
honor and good sense.”
When I had my cataract surgery recently they gave me a double hand full of papers to sign and read when I was at the outpatient surgery center.
In the US and I am sure in other countries as well there are PEER REVIEW ORGANIZATIONS (PRO) who go over complaints about care.
In the US all hospitals and clinics that receive Federal MEDICARE funds or payments must agree to a PRO and so any complaints are investigated.
The PRO for my state reports to the Health Facilities Services at the STate Department of health for my state. The papers I was given gave me the address of this office to send any complaints in, and my medical record number and account number to give them.