Last week I found myself in an intimidating situation that required me to put all my skills of resilience in to practice. I was in the hands of a professional person who should be there to care for others. I was in a hugely vulnerable position, yet instead of receiving care, I felt myself being belittled, bullied and threatened. The person dishing out this particularly cruel treatment was a senior doctor in a private clinic, where I am a patient. A few years ago I would probably have put up with his behaviour, or brushed it off as being just something I mis-read — but not this time. Not now. Not ever again.
So I thought I’d share my story here on Lovefraud.
As you already know, I had a health scare that was resolved a couple of weeks ago. Whilst I was given the all-clear at the time, the doctor said it would make sense to arrange for a biopsy to double-check and to put my mind at rest; purely, he reassured me, because of my family medical history (mum had died of breast cancer at the age of 44). The straight forward needle-biopsy would be done under local anesthetic and would take less than half an hour. So last Thursday, I trotted off to the clinic expecting a purely routine, simple procedure that would prove beyond doubt that I have a clean bill of health.
I felt chirpy, relaxed, and perfectly ready for whatever they wanted to do — a marked difference from my previous visit where I was uptight, frightened and full of dread. They’re a great bunch of people there, and I chatted away happily to the receptionists and also to the technician who came in to explain the details of what was going to happen.
All fine, all good, all dandy — everything made perfect sense (although I felt a little unnerved by the technician’s statement that nobody can be sure that the lump is not cancerous until the tests are completed in the laboratory) and I went in to the doctor’s surgery feeling calm and prepared.
Just When You Least Expect It
I am making a point of telling you this, because I am keen to make it clear why I felt so totally blindsided by what happened next. The friendly technician (Thomas), thank goodness, was still in the room when the doctor arrived. The very moment he walked in, though, the atmosphere changed. The smile went from Thomas’ face, and I felt him tighten up as the doctor criticized everything he had done to prepare me. The cleaning and sterilization wasn’t correct, the anesthetic wasn’t the right one”¦ even the fact that Thomas had allowed me to keep my shoes on was wrong!
Bear in mind I’m lying half naked on a table, my arm above my head with my breast covered in yellow iodine — and here was this so-called professional (who hadn’t even had the courtesy to greet me or even give me a smile) throwing disapproving comments to the friendly technician who had done everything he could to put me at ease. It was a hugely uncomfortable atmosphere, and I felt myself stiffening. I was in a physically vulnerable situation, but there was no way I was going to let myself be bullied by this rude man.
So I started chit-chatting to break the tension. The doctor was sitting next to me but still would not look at me — although I was looking straight up in to his eyes. Can you guess what I saw? The familiar empty, cold and emotionless expression that sent a shiver of recognition down my spine.
I knew how important it was to get this biopsy over and done with, so I kept on looking at the doctor and kept asking questions. He asked me to point out the lump because he was having difficulty finding it on the ultrasound. When I moved my hand towards the area he huffed, rolled his eyes and told me off for accidentally touching a part of my skin. “Now look what she’s done” he spat at Thomas “we’re going to have to sterilize all over again!”
It carried on like that for a good few minutes more. I asked what he could see on the screen and said to him that I’d been told that there was nothing to worry about
“Well, Madame” he sneered, pushing the scanner just a little harder than necessary in to my breast “it doesn’t look like ”˜nothing’ to me — you have lots of cysts, but this”¦ this is something quite different!”
Deliberate Cruelty
He seemed to take pleasure brandishing his power, and deliberately making me nervous. It was working on Thomas, but it wasn’t going to work on me. I kept my focus strong and refused to look away from his eyes — still keeping my expression relaxed and my breathing regular as he picked up a huge needle and brought it close to my breast.
“And now, Madame” he said, fixing me with cold eyes and a straight face “you have to shut your mouth and shut your eyes”
Taking a deep breath and maintaining eye contact, I calmly said no. “I can give you silence” I said “but I am not closing my eyes”
“Well you have to” he replied, a little taken aback by what he probably saw as insolence “I have to work in silence and it annoys me if a patient watches what I am doing. I must instruct you now to close your eyes and keep your mouth shut while I do my work. I need you to do this or I cannot do my work”
“And I need someone who can reassure me and put me at ease” I replied, still staying calm, still smiling, and still fixing him with my gaze “this is my body, and I would like to watch what is happening”
With that, his mask slipped. Blinking furiously, he threw down his instruments, stood up, huffed and puffed and spat out the words “I won’t work in this way Madame, you’ve ruined it. You’ve messed it up, this is your problem. I am leaving – good day Madame!”
And with that he flounced out of the room, slamming the door behind him like a petulant teenager, leaving Thomas and I open-mouthed in the silence that remained.
So that was the end of my biopsy. I sat up, covering myself as best I could and looked to Thomas for some kind of explanation. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but still the whispering questions had already threatened to surface “Is this my fault? Could I have handled this differently?” — but those questions were instantly silenced when I saw Thomas’s face. He was mortified.
“I am so sorry Madame” he said, reaching out to touch my shoulder “this is nothing to do with you. He is a very difficult man and we have had many problems with him. He’s the same with all of us, it’s very bad”
“But this is not right!” I replied, tears of frustration pricking in my eyes and uncontrollable shakes by now beginning to show in my hands “It’s not right that he’s allowed to do this! Why is he in this job? How can he be allowed to treat people this way? It’s totally unacceptable!”
And then came the response I have now become accustomed to hearing
“But he’s our boss. We know it’s wrong, but what can we do?”
Standing Up For What Is Right
This monster works in a clinic that specializes in detecting and treating breast cancer. My heart sank, imagining how many people — staff as well as numerous vulnerable patients — this so-called professional is bullying and criticizing every day of his life. How many people leave the clinic feeling a little less confident, a little more worthless, and in some cases physically abused. People who go there expecting help and support in their darkest moments, and end up feeling belittled and humiliated! But because this man is an educated, revered professional, nobody is standing up to him — so he gets away with it!
I understand that I am the first person this man has actually walked out on. Good, so he’ll remember me. Because I’m also the first person who is going to stand up, speak out, and make certain this man is held accountable for his actions.
The experience shook me enormously. For the next couple of days I found myself bursting in to tears for no apparent reason. But you know what? I’m now back on track and taking the first steps towards dealing with the authorities who are responsible for this man. I’ll let you know how I get on.
In the meantime, my biopsy has been rescheduled with another doctor for Friday 13th April — lucky for some, and super-lucky for me. Well, at least that’s what I’m choosing to think in any case!
It’s funny how, once you understand sociopathy, you can look back over your life and make sense of certain interactions. I think I have come across several such people, and administering injections was involved twice. This is such a means of control, as most people have some degree of fear or discomfort with a needle looming down on them. Particularly in the mouth! I had a dentist who was doing some pretty horrible work on a cracked tooth, it involved drilling down deep. During the drilling it became evident that there had not been enough anaesthetic (on purpose?), or enough time for it to work. I was unable to keep still and cried out in pain. He pretty much slammed me back down and spoke to me in a very inappropriate way, telling me he had ‘told me not to move’. The nurse by his side was smiling. They were a team. In a way, spotting these people now is both scarey as there are so many (in positions of power and influence often), and revealing. The world makes more sense, my past makes more sense, but I feel a loss of innocence, and a sense of great danger. I feel I am almost luminous to them, as if they see me in a crowd. Also, is it just me, or is there a kind of spectrum, with a great many people, perhaps most, having some of these awful characteristics. The world seems such a hostile place right now.
Aesop,
Welcome to LF.
You asked is there a spectrum of these characteristics? The answer I think is a resounding YES!
It is possible that you moving at a critical time in the procedure might have endangered the success of the procedure, BUT that said, the dentist should have not treated you like that and should have made sure you had plenty of medication.
I understand that such behavior can make the world appear a very scary place and medical/dental procedures as well.
Again, welcome.
Hi there, thanks for your welcome and comment. Thanks for getting my name right as well, even though I spelt it wrong :).
I have found myself going back over my whole life to seek out these people. I know my sister (3 years older) is, and feel this set the template perhaps for attracting them in later life. Being three years older, I never knew any different. One good thing that has come out of all this is that I have now detached with NC, and no guilt about this!
I have had 10 months of therapy following three years of hell, but because the therapist didn’t understand, it was quite frustrating at times. Mostly I have read as much as possible. I’m lucky in that my ex had a diagnosis in the ‘cluster B’ category. It was easy to then see that she actually had all the other ‘symptoms’ of a sociopath.
In terms of the dentist, I appreciate what you are saying, but it is a ‘feeling’, that feeling of being in the presence of people that are enjoying their job for the wrong reasons – of giving pain. An unmistakeable sadistic quality that leaves you feeling helpless. Your primeval ‘fight or flight’ kicks in. But, unless you understand that people like this really do exist, your mind fights with what your body tells you.
I have always found myself asking a question. If Nazi germany came here and now, to where I live, what roles would the people around me take? Who would be the concentration camp guards? Who would turn on their neighbours?
The other doctor I spoke of was found guilty of serious professional misconduct, but not struck off. He had detached from the national health service and gone out on his own. He didn’t use the usual guidelines set down which meant that everyone with this problem went to him, knowing they would be treated on the first appointment instead of having to wait. He set himself up in a position of enormous power, being feted as the foremost authority on the subject, and appearing on TV chat shows many times. Again, injections were involved. He became very rich, and at his trial, was surrounded by those he had treated who were his enablers. They believed they were his ‘friends’.
I have a sense that there is a battle between good and evil. Evil has had the upper hand in that it is hidden. If you are knocking around playing tennis, and really one side is playing a game in their head, and playing to win, then there is an unfair advantage. I hope with the internet and flurry of books that this advantage will be lost over time. Is that why so many are driven to write to help others understand?
I should add that I am a woman, and it was a gay ‘relationship’, we had a civil partnership. My name is derived from Aesop’s fables, specifically ‘The Tortoise and the Hare’. At the moment, I am the Hare, trailing somewhat behind, but catching the ‘Hares’ up in my own time (I hope!).
Aesop,
Funny, I didn’t even realize that you had spelled it wrong. That is how our eyes are, if the first letter and the last letter of a word are correct, we can “read” it as totally correct. LOL Well, glad I got it right anyway.
Also glad that you are here. Gay straight doesn’t make a hill of beans where a psychopath or Cluster B of any kind is concerned. they are all TOXIC. That’s what I think is so out of sight with therapists, what difference does it make what the “diagnosis” is as long as that person is TOXIC, the relationship isn’t going to work.
I too have often wondered about if Nazis came to my town (if I lived in town) so I will say COMMUNITY…and I can I think figure out who would be what….scary really, because you never know when such a thing WILL happen. It has happened over and over in the history of man kind. Look at the interment camps for Japanese in the US during WWII…I’m reading a book now about the union versus non union miners in Idaho in the early 1900s and the killing of a former governor of that state by union members he had offended when he was governor. It happens, it can happen. There are people in many walks of life who are psychopaths who will take advantage of that position to use/abuse others and the cycles of abuse continue in homes, schools, politics, business and any venue you can imagine.
I hope “education” will help, but actually I’m not sure that it will help a great deal except in RETROSPECT…people are not much interested in what doesn’t directly effect them.
There is a story about a Jewish family that emigrated to canada BEFORE the Nazis started arresting Jews, the man “saw it coming” and tried to WARN his friends and family members to FLEE while they could, even with the clothes on their backs, but no one wanted to listen, they said to him “But what would we do with the furniture?” Well, sadly he departed, walking with his family with just their clothes and what valuables they could carry. The daughter remembered her mother giving a man her wedding ring for ferry passage but they survived, their friends died and no longer had to worry about what to do with the furniture.
Too many of us were warned (one way or another) but we did not heed those warnings—we ignored the red flags we saw.
Now, though, we will no longer ignore that kind of warning notice. But the education had to come AFTER we were willing to listen. “Life is a tough teacher, she gives the test first and the lesson afterward.” (don’t know who said that, but I will always remember it.)
Again, welcome.
I like that: “Life is a tough teacher, she gives the test first and the lesson afterward.” It’s all a bit fresh still, but I get glimpses of a spiritual jump, like an electrical surge, while everyone else around me carries on at the ‘usual’ evolutionary pace. Also, a real feeling of good and evil at play, which, given that everything seems to have an opposite, I guess should be no surprise. I just never realised it was right under my nose!
Thankyou for the welcome. I’m at a bit of a loose end these days, having lost my car, licence, business, savings, and sanity to this women, so reading about other people’s experiences and insights is a good way to start getting back on track again.
Sorry Aesop, they do seem to try to clean us out and leave us destitute if they can. It is amazing really how entitled they feel to what we have…what we worked for.
So far I have retained my home, but can still lose it. During the worst of teh chaos I had to leave to be safe, and am prepared to leave again if I need to to be safe…but also realize that it is not STUFF that makes us happy or secure. It is what is inside us, ourselves that is important. I am no longer dependent on STUFF to feel secure. I can literally walk away with what I have on my back if I must. It is more a different state of mind now than anything. So I’ve been broke before, may be again, but as long as I have myself then I am okay.
So hang on to yourself Aesop. Also I suggest that you read “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Dr. Viktor Frankl, he wrote it affter getting out of the Nazi death camps, lost everything….and he looked at the way he and others coped with the horror there, and found meaning in it. We can too.
No one else’s pain is more or less than anyone else’s not even considering what they have lost. Even a baby’s pain is TOTAL when he drops his passie….each of us has total pain.
It is a great book for survivors of any kind of trauma/drama.
Loved what you said about STUFF, Oxy. I agree. 1,000%.
Well, I know this is going off the topic a bit, but i’m going to jump right in here, and then never mention it again. I kind of want to know if you understand what happened and why. I know you all know what it is like to be taken in by one of these kind, so I don’t need to tell you about the lies, cheating, stealiing, and abuse. I had already been driven into a psychiatric hospital after 18 months. She came back when I was discharged. I was too ill to know what was happening, and she did the whole thing again. I had a relapse and became ill again, and slapped her in the street when she approached me. By this point she was stalking me. Long story short, she overpowered me, laughing, then phoned the police and I was charged with assault. I was too ill to understand what a solicitor was and so was interviewed without representation, then released. A few hours later I wrote my car off by crashing it into a dead end, I don’t really remember it. There followed a further four weeks of hospital, then six months of court. She turned up at court to watch from the gallery. She had lied throughout her statement. She continued to harrass me with letters, phonecalls, emails, drive bys etc, until eventually serving me with a petition for divorce – the grounds being unreasonable behaviour! All I had ever done was been a complete sucker and loved her and tried to help her (my problem, I know). Finally, after being convicted and given a years probation, the judge put a restraining order on ME (she is still harrassing me, and the police will do nothing), and she had him say it was ‘indefinate’ on her request. As if I wanted her in my life. Rant over. I am getting there. She is still stalking me and I have had to have the locks changed again (she broke into my house at one point in the middle of the night, she’d had a key cut). Her past includes being held hostage at knife point, battery acid on the bonnet of her car, and two other exes self-harming after being in a ‘relationship’ with her. She told me all this, blaming them, and I believed her. No doubt she has now added me to that list. My past is boring by the way, and I hope it soon gets back to that. I don’t regret anything though, as torturous as it has all been, I know these things make us stronger. Ok, I shan’t mention it again, just had to get it off my chest. Hope you understand, I have struggled with the stigma of a conviction, it’s hard to explain to people because, as you know, unless you have been with people like this, you can’t really understand the madness of it all. I never knew I had a breaking point.
Aesop, I got a restraining order because the ex spath had damaged my car pretty bad with his fists and key and later came back to break in my house to rob me for the second time.
The ex spath wanted nothing to do with me at that point except pure outright harm and destruction. I was too afraid to tell the police about my car or the break-in because he has a long criminal record and was taking and dealing drugs. These psychopaths are evil dangerous people and you NEED to keep all evidence of her harassing you and take it to the police as many times as it takes to get a protective order for yourself.
They don’t scare easily when it comes to restraining orders, though, so be prepared. Look up Gray Rock here on lovefraud. It might be your only option. If you bore her she might tire of you and the endless source of blood-pumping, life-giving drama they so crave.
Good luck.