Last week I found myself in an intimidating situation that required me to put all my skills of resilience in to practice. I was in the hands of a professional person who should be there to care for others. I was in a hugely vulnerable position, yet instead of receiving care, I felt myself being belittled, bullied and threatened. The person dishing out this particularly cruel treatment was a senior doctor in a private clinic, where I am a patient. A few years ago I would probably have put up with his behaviour, or brushed it off as being just something I mis-read — but not this time. Not now. Not ever again.
So I thought I’d share my story here on Lovefraud.
As you already know, I had a health scare that was resolved a couple of weeks ago. Whilst I was given the all-clear at the time, the doctor said it would make sense to arrange for a biopsy to double-check and to put my mind at rest; purely, he reassured me, because of my family medical history (mum had died of breast cancer at the age of 44). The straight forward needle-biopsy would be done under local anesthetic and would take less than half an hour. So last Thursday, I trotted off to the clinic expecting a purely routine, simple procedure that would prove beyond doubt that I have a clean bill of health.
I felt chirpy, relaxed, and perfectly ready for whatever they wanted to do — a marked difference from my previous visit where I was uptight, frightened and full of dread. They’re a great bunch of people there, and I chatted away happily to the receptionists and also to the technician who came in to explain the details of what was going to happen.
All fine, all good, all dandy — everything made perfect sense (although I felt a little unnerved by the technician’s statement that nobody can be sure that the lump is not cancerous until the tests are completed in the laboratory) and I went in to the doctor’s surgery feeling calm and prepared.
Just When You Least Expect It
I am making a point of telling you this, because I am keen to make it clear why I felt so totally blindsided by what happened next. The friendly technician (Thomas), thank goodness, was still in the room when the doctor arrived. The very moment he walked in, though, the atmosphere changed. The smile went from Thomas’ face, and I felt him tighten up as the doctor criticized everything he had done to prepare me. The cleaning and sterilization wasn’t correct, the anesthetic wasn’t the right one”¦ even the fact that Thomas had allowed me to keep my shoes on was wrong!
Bear in mind I’m lying half naked on a table, my arm above my head with my breast covered in yellow iodine — and here was this so-called professional (who hadn’t even had the courtesy to greet me or even give me a smile) throwing disapproving comments to the friendly technician who had done everything he could to put me at ease. It was a hugely uncomfortable atmosphere, and I felt myself stiffening. I was in a physically vulnerable situation, but there was no way I was going to let myself be bullied by this rude man.
So I started chit-chatting to break the tension. The doctor was sitting next to me but still would not look at me — although I was looking straight up in to his eyes. Can you guess what I saw? The familiar empty, cold and emotionless expression that sent a shiver of recognition down my spine.
I knew how important it was to get this biopsy over and done with, so I kept on looking at the doctor and kept asking questions. He asked me to point out the lump because he was having difficulty finding it on the ultrasound. When I moved my hand towards the area he huffed, rolled his eyes and told me off for accidentally touching a part of my skin. “Now look what she’s done” he spat at Thomas “we’re going to have to sterilize all over again!”
It carried on like that for a good few minutes more. I asked what he could see on the screen and said to him that I’d been told that there was nothing to worry about
“Well, Madame” he sneered, pushing the scanner just a little harder than necessary in to my breast “it doesn’t look like ”˜nothing’ to me — you have lots of cysts, but this”¦ this is something quite different!”
Deliberate Cruelty
He seemed to take pleasure brandishing his power, and deliberately making me nervous. It was working on Thomas, but it wasn’t going to work on me. I kept my focus strong and refused to look away from his eyes — still keeping my expression relaxed and my breathing regular as he picked up a huge needle and brought it close to my breast.
“And now, Madame” he said, fixing me with cold eyes and a straight face “you have to shut your mouth and shut your eyes”
Taking a deep breath and maintaining eye contact, I calmly said no. “I can give you silence” I said “but I am not closing my eyes”
“Well you have to” he replied, a little taken aback by what he probably saw as insolence “I have to work in silence and it annoys me if a patient watches what I am doing. I must instruct you now to close your eyes and keep your mouth shut while I do my work. I need you to do this or I cannot do my work”
“And I need someone who can reassure me and put me at ease” I replied, still staying calm, still smiling, and still fixing him with my gaze “this is my body, and I would like to watch what is happening”
With that, his mask slipped. Blinking furiously, he threw down his instruments, stood up, huffed and puffed and spat out the words “I won’t work in this way Madame, you’ve ruined it. You’ve messed it up, this is your problem. I am leaving – good day Madame!”
And with that he flounced out of the room, slamming the door behind him like a petulant teenager, leaving Thomas and I open-mouthed in the silence that remained.
So that was the end of my biopsy. I sat up, covering myself as best I could and looked to Thomas for some kind of explanation. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but still the whispering questions had already threatened to surface “Is this my fault? Could I have handled this differently?” — but those questions were instantly silenced when I saw Thomas’s face. He was mortified.
“I am so sorry Madame” he said, reaching out to touch my shoulder “this is nothing to do with you. He is a very difficult man and we have had many problems with him. He’s the same with all of us, it’s very bad”
“But this is not right!” I replied, tears of frustration pricking in my eyes and uncontrollable shakes by now beginning to show in my hands “It’s not right that he’s allowed to do this! Why is he in this job? How can he be allowed to treat people this way? It’s totally unacceptable!”
And then came the response I have now become accustomed to hearing
“But he’s our boss. We know it’s wrong, but what can we do?”
Standing Up For What Is Right
This monster works in a clinic that specializes in detecting and treating breast cancer. My heart sank, imagining how many people — staff as well as numerous vulnerable patients — this so-called professional is bullying and criticizing every day of his life. How many people leave the clinic feeling a little less confident, a little more worthless, and in some cases physically abused. People who go there expecting help and support in their darkest moments, and end up feeling belittled and humiliated! But because this man is an educated, revered professional, nobody is standing up to him — so he gets away with it!
I understand that I am the first person this man has actually walked out on. Good, so he’ll remember me. Because I’m also the first person who is going to stand up, speak out, and make certain this man is held accountable for his actions.
The experience shook me enormously. For the next couple of days I found myself bursting in to tears for no apparent reason. But you know what? I’m now back on track and taking the first steps towards dealing with the authorities who are responsible for this man. I’ll let you know how I get on.
In the meantime, my biopsy has been rescheduled with another doctor for Friday 13th April — lucky for some, and super-lucky for me. Well, at least that’s what I’m choosing to think in any case!
Woundlicker, Just an “educated guess” but it doesn’t sound to me like Aesop’s psychopath is the type to just get bored and go away, it sounds to me that vengeance is her motive and she enjoys that. So physical and other damage is the motivating factor. Also I have a feeling that all the “crazy” ex’s are people she is A) either lying about and SHE is the crazy one, or she has B) driven them to the brink of suicide with her stalking etc.
This woman sounds to me both cunning and DANGEROUS.
I suggest that if at all possible Aesop that you leave the area and move somewhere she can’t find you.
I had to do that and fortunately without kids, I left in the middle of the night and “disappeared” and I was actually only a few miles away living in a recreational area in a recreational vehicle and where I was no one thought anything about a new person moving on to the lake and no one here knew I was gone as I left in the middle of the night. Only my stalker knew because he sneaked up to my house…but it was too late. I was GONE until he went to jail.
So take a “powder” as we say here and disappear. If she got all your “stuff” and you dont have anything to worry about head for the hills. Even if you have some stuff, don’t worry about it, it is just “stuff” and can be replaced. Your life and safety is more important.
I can’t imagine what you must have felt to have left like that in the middle of the night Ox Drover. My ex always appeared to fear the police. It has always been driving other people to either harm themselves or lash out at her. She is physically very strong but plays the victim amazingly. It’s sickening to watch a bully switch to coward mode in this way. Its the ‘unknown quantity’ that I see. I think she got her jollies from seeing me dragged through the court system, and by showing up every now and then she retains control. It means I am always hypervigilant when out (or in, as she broke in).
I am working on trying to ‘use it’, the whole experience, so that I can make a success out of it. It’s just kind of hard at the moment, because it has been a case of going over and over every second of it. It is triggered all the time by just about everything around me. Just waking up in the morning triggers it! There is so much to process, knowing that everything in those first few months was a lie, then the utter madness and betrayel that followed. I think because she managed to get the courts and police to abuse and punish me by playing the victim, there is a feeling that this ‘evil’ pervades all areas of society. After I had crashed the car, and while horizontal on a hospital bed and ‘insane’, I reached out to grab a policeman’s torch. There were three in the cubicle, waitiing to take me to the psychiatric hospital again (complete breakdown), and one of them got on the bed and leant on me until he broke a rib, while another held down my other side so I couldn’t breathe. So, it’s everywhere I fear!
Sorry to bang on. I really haven’t been able to find anyone that could understand. I guess reading as much as possible and trying to figure out what it means in terms of spiritually moving on is the way to go. Hard to feel spiritual with so much anger. I hate that I am so angry (more anger :)), because I wasn’t before.
Aesop,
Yes, you said, “I hate that I am so angry, …because I wasn’t before.” It was only after my spath-encounter that I had so much anger, being hard to deal with it. The awful experiences that they inflict upon us makes us that way. In my case, I’m still working through the anger.
Aesop,
The anger will come and go I think, it is part of the grieving process. I think from what you describe you’ve had a difficult time of it.
I hope you are still getting some therapy in addiction to being here on LF.
LF can teach you how to spot these people and be supportive to you while you learn, but sometimes we also need real world support. God bless.
Freudian slip Ox Drover – ‘therapy in addiction’, instead of addition? So true though, I was definately addicted. She knew it too, taunted me by saying so. It is like being given a shot of heroin, then depending on them for the next hits, which are never as good. Not that I have ever tried heroin etc. Anyways, thankyou.
The therapy over here isn’t as good as the USA, I have seen two therapists, but noone seems to understand this particular problem. Over here they downplay ‘personality disorders’. They ignore the more serious ones completely, unless murder etc is a factor. I know narcissism is hard to spot, but they also call Borderline ’emotional dysregulation disorder’. I feel their approach is too soft, and certainly not helpful to those targetted.
The internet is more representative, thousands of websites for those who have fallen prey, but few to those who are disordered – what would be the point, as if they would read them, let alone take heed.
It will get better though, I feel it. Like coming through a long tunnel. 🙂
Aesop,
I suggest that you learn all you can. Knowledge is power, indeed. Learning to spot the red flags before you get involved with the person is very protective. I actually advise people against getting involved in dating again for at least a year post P experience due to the stress and trauma leaves you open to being “love bombed” successfully by the next one. They seem to know when you have been injured by one, you are easier prey for the next one…but some people (I did it after my husband died) jump into a new relationship before the healing is “sufficient” (I say that instead of “done” because I think healing is a forever process) to protect you from being sucked in again.
Well, the healing starts out in learning about them then progresses to learning about US so maybe the therapist can help you learn why you were vulnerable to the P in the first place. That would be a big help. Good luck.
I’m glad you set some good boundaries for yourself and stood your ground. But, on the other hand what you may be looking at may not be s Spath at all. Instead it may be burn out level grief, AKA:TS. Ongoing Traumatic Grief and Stress.
It is a very, very difficult job this man has. One where he has to detect and treat a devistating disease. It can be overwhelming. Emotionally distancing is one way of protecting oneself from the overwhelming pain that comes from the multiple emotional soul ties; and from taking God-like responsibility for each one.
It comes from a heart that has been broken over and over again from not being able to save patients that became dear to him. Grief, stuck, building up and overwhelming, can present as coldness.
Please think about this.
I know that you are hurting right now. And right now it is very important for you to stand up for yourself. But, please be careful not to project onto the people you meet the load put on you from the Spaths who have done you such harm.
With love from experience,
BB, from what was described, it wasn’t burnout but arrogance. And, there are counseling therapists trained to assist surgeons, social workers, child protective workers, and other professionals to manage burnout.
While burnout might explain the surgeon’s behaviors (though, I distinctly doubt it), it should not excuse or allow it, under any circumstances. ANY surgeon who has been identified by coworkers and colleagues as someone who is very difficult to work with should be ON NOTICE to get therapy and do some desk work for a while before they inflict serious damage upon an unsuspecting patient who, oh-by-the-way, is paying THEIR salary.
I don’t believe that there’s any “projection” going on, here. The surgeon behaved badly, and that’s the bottom line.
Truthspeak, I agree with you. No matter WHAT the reason, the surgeon should not have treated the patient if his command of his behavior was such that he would treat a patient in that manner.
Demonstrating compassion for the patients who are anxious, scared, etc. is PART OF THE TREATMENT, not just the biopsy.
As a medical professional, I can say without qualification that man’s behavior was 100% abusive.
OxD….absolutely abusive. And, when this surgeon’s own colleagues and “underlings” have him pegged as “difficult,” then an Administrative decision needs to be made to order that surgeon behind a desk or in a lab, and into some counseling therapy.
By proxy, physicians, surgeons, and other “professionals” wield incredible power – THEY are the ones who have the knowledge to tell us whether we have a serious illness or not, and what our options are if we do. That, alone, puts them into a position of extreme power and control, BY PROXY.
OxD….100% abusive, yep.