There can be different perspectives of the sociopath (and other seriously exploitive personalities). These perspectives can offer different experiences of these disturbed individuals. At the same time each perspective offers, I suggest by definition, both a somewhat advantageous and yet limited view of the sociopath.
Living with a sociopath, or finding oneself involved deeply in a “committed” relationship with a sociopath, will offer an incomparably intimate experience of the horrors that sociopaths can inflict on their partners.
Clearly no one, and that includes the so-called “experts” on sociopathy (clinicians and researchers, for instance) will be able to appreciate the impact of the sociopath, on this level, like the partner who has lived with, or been closely involved with, one.
This close, personal relationship confers upon the partner of the sociopath a certain knowledge of sociopathy and, I stress, a certain intimate experience of the sociopath that no clinician or “expert” can possibly approximate; thus, the sociopath’s partner’s experience is surely a unique one, qualifying him or her, from this particular intimate vantage point, as really the ultimate “expert” on sociopathy.
Now thankfully I’ve never lived with a sociopath, a fact which also happens to limit my experience with sociopathic personalities—specifically, in this case, the experience of having lived with one, and had my life razed by one.
In this sense my, or anyone’s, clinical experience of sociopathic individuals—just like one’s clinical experience of any individual—is limited by the structure of the clinical relationship. It is a relationship with boundaries provided inherently, so that the clinician or researcher (unlike the sociopath’s partner) is for the most part protected emotionally and physically from the sociopath’s most damaging, hurtful, violating behaviors.
On one hand, the protection to which I refer—again, a protection that’s inherent in the clinical setting—clearly limits the clinician’s capacity to fully experience the sociopath; on the other hand, the very structure of the clinical setting may enhance the clinician’s ability to apprehend aspects of sociopaths that may elude the sociopath’s partner, because he or she—the clinician— again unlike the sociopath’s partner, in operating within a structure of safety and protection, can observe and study the sociopath more freely and through a much wider lens.
The clinican is afforded the chance to observe and study sociopaths’ attitudes, their interactions, their styles, their variations, their differences. And, of course, not just one of these individuals, but many.
And so the clinician’s experience with sociopaths, while less rich and informative in some important ways than the partner’s experience of the sociopath, in other ways yields him or her different, additional opportunities to grasp how sociopathically-oriented individuals think and act.
And yet over and over again, I note it when a Lovefraud member points out, “But what do YOU know? Or what does HE know? You (or HE) never lived with a sociopath!”
And my response, whenever I read these comments, is to agree with them wholeheartedly. They are entirely valid comments and speak a truth that all so-called “experts” on sociopathy should heed well: those who have lived with the sociopath possess a certain knowledge and experience of the sociopath that is not only unique (as I’ve suggested), but non-attainable to a clinician in any sort of safe, protective clinical setting.
In this sense, or certainly in many respects, the clinician has much more to learn from the sociopath’s partner than the other way around.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of the male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
My mother who has a degree in Psychotherapy noted that she had learnt not much at all in her study books on Sociopath’s. Sadly her learning came from my experience of being married to one for 5 years.
It was frustrating in the beginning that she had no idea what I was going through and I was in the full throws of PTSD. I was confused and lost and needed her guidance but she didn’t understand!
Now after 2 1/2 years in recovery she can spot them anywhere!
She is a much better therapist now but she can only see what she see’s, she cannot feel it!
The longest I have dated someone is 12 weeks, she believes that I will meet someone soon and run off into the sunset, that is because she cannot (feel) it!
Totally connecting to another partner and letting go of fear and opening up to complete trust is still beyond me!
I think the one thing most people (even professionals) miss, and that only the victims of sociopaths can truly understand are the subleties/nuances of the socio.
These individuals are rarely ranting at somebody, at least not in public where everyone will see.
I believe the most dangerous personalities are very subtle and insidious.
It’s something only those who are intimately involved will understand and relate to.
This subtleness allows the sociopath to abuse in front of everyone, but no one sees anything because they are unable to pick up on the nuances.
It’s clean violence.
Only the victim can understand the underlying sinister intent of what the abuser is saying/doing.
Everyone else thinks the abuser is a great guy/gal, because they are taking him/her at face value.
We all know how helpful and charming socios can appear to be, right?
And if something is a little “off”, empaths will give the benefit of the doubt by “filling in the blanks” with their own emotions.
Watching everyone else embrace your abuser……that’s a lonely & helpless feeling for the victim, especially when the victim is a child.
Yes Rosa I agree. I had seen my ex husband in therapy sessions with me, It was the Spath Show! A therapist would need to live in amongst the walls of one to truly know one but in saying that they have the clinical knowledge to break down their behaviour, making it clearer and more black and white when we are living in the grey!
To be emotionally involved in any sort of a relationship with one, either it be partner, child of, parent of, for me I don’t think there is anything more devastating and soul destroying, it just doesn’t go away!
Rosa says, “It’s clean violence.” Your above post is so spot on…so true. They can abuse in public, and keep thier spotless image intact….now that is evil incarnate.
Some years ago I worked for something called Physicians Recovery Network…affiliated with the dept of prof regulations, and we monitored professionals who were in danger of losing their liscence, due to some unprofessional behavior…usually drug abuse, but not always.
I was in AA at the time, as were many of the people I worked with, including the two that were upper most in charge. There was a psychiatrist on staff, also, AA.
He made a few degrading remarks to me, in a way that I could not be certain of his intent. Having established this in private he then took it public. While I was retrieving files from a fellow worker, (male, also in AA) the shrink entered behind me and made the statement, “anyone can tell this is a woman who loves to be on her knees.” Well, being that we are all in AA, working a spiritual program, we pray a lot…what did he mean? (Slimey feeling in stomache, here)
I wasn’t absolutely sure how to take it, til I looked in the eyes of the other man, and I knew he was making a sexual, and degrading comment.
I should have sued.
It all came out in the open and I was so humiliated, and everyone claimed I had misunderstood.
This is an example of a really sharp spath, spathing reprehensibly, and getting away with it because he operated in that in between space of appropriate/inappropriate. He had one foot on either side, and veiled his intention that way. No one could say for sure he wasn’t talking about praying…how do you prove that?
But he knew damn well I was smart enough to hear the “NUANCE”, and he loved the confusion, and the slimey feeling he left in me.
Thanks, Steve.
I wrote my above post in response to Rosa, before reading your article.
I think both perspectives are good ones. I think the therapists objectivity is good, in the sense that he is not ensnared in the slimey emotional self-doubt and confusion that the intimate partner is, and can SEE some of the issues that WE DON’T WANT TO. This is assuming he gets it. I’m so glad you’re here for us, Steve, and I’m so glad you get it.
Steve,
Dani made a very important point when she referenced the “Spath Show” of sociopaths in therapy. I’m sure the clinician’s view of what is going on can also be skewed by sociopaths’ prodigious acting skills. Not all therapists are as perceptive as you are. I’ve heard many sad stories of clinicians being dazzled by the sociopaths, and believing the sociopaths’ story that it is the partner who has the mental issues.
Clinicians have much to learn from people who have been in intimate relationships with sociopaths. I hope we’ll soon be able to educate them.
In the world of therapists, I think someone like Steve Becker, LCSW, is the exception….not the norm.
I think the problem is that a lot of therapists are NOT educated about personality disorders, and they DO NOT GET IT.
If the therapist does not understand personality disorders, you can shut the back door and forget about it.
The therapist will get worked by the socio until the cows come home.
I believe I read that even Robert Hare has been fooled.
In addition to that, it can be very difficult for a victim to articulate their abuse, without looking crazy themselves.
How do you articulate gaslighting, or a cold stare, or passive aggressive behavior without looking a little unhinged yourself?
You also have to be well-versed in emotional abuse in order to get your point across, and be taken seriously.
Many times, by the time victims get to therapy, they have been abused to the point that they are suffering PTSD, and are completely destabilized.
This makes it very easy for the socio to frame the victim as the mentally unstable one.
Great example, Kim Frederick.
Don’t even get me started on sexual harrassment.
One of my first interviews after I graduated college, I drove 1.5 hours to an interview for the man to tell me, “Honey, look around you. It’s all men in this office. I don’t think you’d fit in here.”
I left with my tail between my legs, angry that I drove that far for nothing.
He could have told me that over the phone without wasting everybody’s time (meaning MY time).
eb oxy anyone here? the cop called from fl and they found his body he killed himself last week they found him today or last night i guess should be in paper that they found a body and tomorrw it will say his name
his name was michael s schuller and he lived in gainesville florida and he was born and he is gone now his name was michale he had a name he is jewish and he wrote in his letter to me he wants to be cremated and his ashes spread with the six million oh god he was spath but person too but who leaves letter saying it is my fault he did this who does that why the cop said it isn’t my fault but i dont know now he was trying to reach me i wooulnd’t talk to him do spaths kill themselves is there an article here about spaths and suicide do they do this
what do i do now anyone is there a hotline for survivors of suicide i know there is for people who are going to suicide but what about us left behind and the guilt is there anythig for us?
donna is there anything for us is there anything for us
i dont have a therapist i dont have a pastor priest rabbi imam noone not even a mother is it wrong to do this i am in california not florida where he is what could i do never wanted him to fo this never this never this just leave me alone but not suicide not that why so extreme do they kill themselves do they do this do they do this the letter he sent four pages is all so mad at me so mad that i am so cold and bad to cut him off and i did but why this why this
i used to love him i loved him once i cant believe this i cant belive this i cant we were married once and i used to love him very much
should i throw the letter away or what should i do now what do we do now what is the protocol for this i dont know what to do with this he is gone he said he was going to do this and it was because of me and he did it didn’t think he would do this just thorught more drama he has threatened to do this and threatend to kill me but never though he would do this alone in some wooded area cop said he was found in wooeded area by passerby jogger or someone found him
should i email his best frined on vacation in prague with his girlfriend should i email him on vacation they were friends for over 40 years back to hippies in san francisco in the haight he will be devastated and his sons he left letters for them i hope they never read see the article in gainesville paper online from tuesday when he was reported missing and gun missing too he just waled out of his house and down the street and sat down and did this
what happens to those left behind does anyone know and why did he balme me for this the letter was very clear it was my fault you can deltete this but someone is there someplace i can call and do spaths ever comit suicide i thought they didn’t and not so violent barrel in his mouth he always said barrel in his mouth and i used to watch my dad pretend to kill himself when he was drunk with loaded gun in his mouth and and i always talked him out of it i always knew what to say and he never did it but this time i was the reason he did this that michael schuller a smart man did this smart but sick or something and is so awful to his sister and friends and sons and me and even my daughter liked him he could be funny and nice somethimes but mean too and scary what is the protocol what do we do now what now.
Oh,CAmom, I am so sorry. YOU DIDN’T CAUSE THIS> HE DID THIS, NOT YOU.
Yes, sometimes Spath’s commit suicide, usually it’s when they’ve lost control of something…It’s the final win for them, and they do it to punish the one’s left behind.
You had gone NC, he had lost control, so he does this, the ultimate, to make you pay.
You only pay for this if you buy that you’re at fault. You’re not. Not in any way. Please put the note away and don’t read it anymore…not for a long time.
A lot of mentle health clinics will take emergency walk-in’s, I think this merits an emergency, why don’t you try to call one and see if someone can talk to you.
I wish I could take your horror, shock, confusion and pain away. All I can do is tell you how sorry I am, and that it’s not your fault, so please contact someone who can help you with this. I’m saying a prayer for you.
CAMom
Yes, sociopaths commit suicide. And no, it is not your fault.
Steve Becker wrote about this not too long ago:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/05/27/sociopaths-and-suicide/
Do not take this personally. Do not let him make you feel guilty. This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. It was his choice. His decision.
I recommend that you do absolutely nothing for the time being. You’re still in shock. You’re a caring person, that’s why you are upset. He doesn’t care – not even for himself.
I also suggest that you do nothing about notifying other people – at least for the time being. When they hear that he blamed you, it will just make you feel bad. And you did nothing.
It’s his last attempt to draw you into his game.