There can be different perspectives of the sociopath (and other seriously exploitive personalities). These perspectives can offer different experiences of these disturbed individuals. At the same time each perspective offers, I suggest by definition, both a somewhat advantageous and yet limited view of the sociopath.
Living with a sociopath, or finding oneself involved deeply in a “committed” relationship with a sociopath, will offer an incomparably intimate experience of the horrors that sociopaths can inflict on their partners.
Clearly no one, and that includes the so-called “experts” on sociopathy (clinicians and researchers, for instance) will be able to appreciate the impact of the sociopath, on this level, like the partner who has lived with, or been closely involved with, one.
This close, personal relationship confers upon the partner of the sociopath a certain knowledge of sociopathy and, I stress, a certain intimate experience of the sociopath that no clinician or “expert” can possibly approximate; thus, the sociopath’s partner’s experience is surely a unique one, qualifying him or her, from this particular intimate vantage point, as really the ultimate “expert” on sociopathy.
Now thankfully I’ve never lived with a sociopath, a fact which also happens to limit my experience with sociopathic personalities—specifically, in this case, the experience of having lived with one, and had my life razed by one.
In this sense my, or anyone’s, clinical experience of sociopathic individuals—just like one’s clinical experience of any individual—is limited by the structure of the clinical relationship. It is a relationship with boundaries provided inherently, so that the clinician or researcher (unlike the sociopath’s partner) is for the most part protected emotionally and physically from the sociopath’s most damaging, hurtful, violating behaviors.
On one hand, the protection to which I refer—again, a protection that’s inherent in the clinical setting—clearly limits the clinician’s capacity to fully experience the sociopath; on the other hand, the very structure of the clinical setting may enhance the clinician’s ability to apprehend aspects of sociopaths that may elude the sociopath’s partner, because he or she—the clinician— again unlike the sociopath’s partner, in operating within a structure of safety and protection, can observe and study the sociopath more freely and through a much wider lens.
The clinican is afforded the chance to observe and study sociopaths’ attitudes, their interactions, their styles, their variations, their differences. And, of course, not just one of these individuals, but many.
And so the clinician’s experience with sociopaths, while less rich and informative in some important ways than the partner’s experience of the sociopath, in other ways yields him or her different, additional opportunities to grasp how sociopathically-oriented individuals think and act.
And yet over and over again, I note it when a Lovefraud member points out, “But what do YOU know? Or what does HE know? You (or HE) never lived with a sociopath!”
And my response, whenever I read these comments, is to agree with them wholeheartedly. They are entirely valid comments and speak a truth that all so-called “experts” on sociopathy should heed well: those who have lived with the sociopath possess a certain knowledge and experience of the sociopath that is not only unique (as I’ve suggested), but non-attainable to a clinician in any sort of safe, protective clinical setting.
In this sense, or certainly in many respects, the clinician has much more to learn from the sociopath’s partner than the other way around.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of the male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
Polly,
I should add that I’m feeling my way along with this.
I’m retraining myself to stop being a parent to other people, and stop expecting them to be a parent to me. One of the good things about having gone through the angry phase is that I’m highly sensitive to interference or criticism, and can quickly grasp other people’s sensitivity to the same things when I go over the line.
The difference about me today, from the old days when I just felt totally incompetent in relationships and responded gratefully to anyone who seemed to like me, is that I regard myself as a learning person. When I make mistakes, I view them as part of my learning process, not sources of crippling shame and reasons to think less of myself. And this gives me a sense of humor that eases what could be unpleasant situations. I’m holding onto relationships with people who are compassionate, mature and responsible people.
And maybe this is where I’m putting my energy. Before, I tended to get involved with people who made me feel needed. Now I feel uncomfortable about being viewed as a solution (because it’s all about them and their needs). My focus is more on combining resources to support mutual goals, rather than relationships that are about fixing anything in ourselves. Obviously if some conflict arises, we need to process it. But otherwise, I don’t want to psychoanalyze my friends or vice versa. To me it’s both meddling and a form of judgment that is unwelcome.
It’s a real discipline — hard to learn and requiring practice — for me to stay inside my own experience and to stop allowing myself and other people to be disrespectful. By that, I mean I’m training myself to trust that we are all on our own paths and know what we are doing in ways that may not be apparent. And recognizing that some paths can be travelled together, and others probably not. (Which is why sociopaths aren’t such good partners, because they view other people as solutions and their paths are very private. Likewise people in recovery, including us, may be so involved in intense personal development that it’s not the best time become distracted by a close relationship, unless it’s about sharing recovery experiences and progress.)
Thinking like this helps me figure out what to do about people that challenge me. When I find myself in an interaction that is uncomfortable, I can think about what I’m doing with my life right now, and whether or not this is helpful. I find that it gives me the courage to speak up, to try to adjust the direction we’re taking, and if that’s not possible, to decide this isn’t a good use of my time. Alternatively, if the other person understands what I’m looking for, and is to shift direction with me, then I’ve gained knowledge about that person, but also about what works in my life.
As an example, a couple of weeks ago one of my clients hired a new executive who apparently didn’t understand my role there. The whole client relationship took a new direction that I felt was bad for me and the company. I tried to correct it by fixing problems as they came up, but it didn’t correct the larger issue. So I sent in my resignation to the CEO with a letter that listed five things that had to change if I was going to keep working with them. This is a pretty extreme form of processing relationship problems, but it’s an example of the kind of readiness to back away that keeps relationships healthy. They fixed the problems and I stayed. But it could have gone the other way. And I was prepared for that, because I didn’t want to stay in a situation that was going to drive me crazy and harm them. You could regard this as a “win” for me, but I don’t. It was simply a test of the quality and longevity of the relationship for both of us. It turned out that we both want to keep going on with it.
You asked about love, and I have to admit that I really don’t think that way anymore. I think about what’s good for me. What progesses me, and nourishes my life. I have people around me now that I really appreciate, and who seem to enjoy me in return. This is the definition of love in my life now. And I really, really like it.
With one of these people, I feel a potential for something more evolving. But he’s got a lot of challenges that I don’t want to be a part of, even if he invited me to be. He does want to talk about them with me, because he enjoys my perspectives. And the same is true for me talking about my life with him. But that’s all we want right now. We’re both pretty occupied with dealing with personal issues.
At the same time, I’m getting older, a lot older than you. I’m going to be 62 in a few weeks, and I’m okay with not having sex in my for extended periods. That wasn’t true when I was younger. I think my quality of life would be improved if I had a sexual relationship, but I haven’t met anyone that I feel comfortable about getting “hormonally vulnerable” with. At this point of my life, I regard sex as a spiritual as well as physical pursuit, and if I’m going to restart that aspect of my life, I want someone who is working on the same kind of experiences I am. (And that person doesn’t have to be a life partner, but it does have to be someone I like and trust a lot, because of the openness sex creates.)
I may provide insights that are valuable, but as a human being I’m in the same boat as everyone else, trying to learn how to think better, get my feelings aligned with reality, and build a life that pleases me and makes sense. It’s work. But I feel more grounded and happier with myself than ever before in my life. So it seems to be working.
The sociopath/psychopath I am dealing with went with me to see my therapist and you should have seen him. There are times when he acts a perfect role. And he steals terms from disciplines like psychology in many of his manipulations. I wrote a blog post which said point blank that whoever posted his bail recently in Sangamon County Illinois was an enabler. Not long after, I got a call from his first wife, who verified that he was hurting women and manipulating people over 20 years ago. Because of our conversations, she got his most recent phone number. She was going to help nail him and then was foolish enough to engage him in conversation, meanwhile proclaiming that she knows what he is and can’t be fooled by him. I believe she believes that but I did read here that having any sort of contact with a sociopath puts one at risk. About a month ago, shortly after he was arrested, she called him and asked me to listen in on three way calling because he had proclaimed to her prior that he always loved her! Having time and distance I could hear and clearly read the goal of everything he was trying to tell her. He lied and said he hadn’t been arrested or in jail for three days. God it was so clear that he was playing her. Even his laughter is strategic on his part. She had her own goal though, she needed money for an emergency.
Anyway, I began taping him. Even while feeling the pull. I have one example on youtube. My state is a one party consent to record state. His isn’t and believe it or not, the crazy nutcase used my taping him in a complaint against me in court! And the judge, in a jurisdiction where they don’t even record proceedings, not with a court reporter or audio tape, backed him on it when clearly my being in a state that allows it brings the federal law in. I have filed a federal suit, and it was transferred out to Illinois, unfortunately, and all he does is lie in documents. If I can find the strength, I can really nail him on the perjury. But it is so hard even to read the lies. The pain is so …. overwhelming and the feeling of helplessness. Because, I know what he is and just as you are saying, better than anyone else, for he abused me SEVERELY and he has not treated all his victims the same as far as severity of physical abuse. He took great pleasure in hurting me. At times he was gleeful. How do I prove what he is to people who have no clue. And so far it seems that judges tend to think that if the person had the guts to say it there must be some truth to it! NOT. I submitted the HOURS of wav files to the court and am asking for the doctrine of constructive acquiescence to be applied and the federal law since it is federal court. Every remark I have had about just the snippet on youtube is in my favor. You can hear the sickness right on that snippet. So, I guess I would say that taping the person should be a recommended practice, but carefully, because one could be killed over it if in person. I did it over the phone.
I have been mulling over what Kathleen has said today. There are times i am ashamed of the things I did to get back at him or things I said just to get him to leave. Sometimes I think I am a socio, but then I remember I have a conscience and I was never out to exploit him, just wanted him to stop lying and respect me or leave. It turned into such a nitemare. I put his cell phone in the microwave for gosh sakes, how sick is that? Anyway I feel better after yesterdays post, I guess when we are driven to the edge we get a little flakey..
Microwave? Awesome!!!!!
@hens
I threw pots of cooked noodles and opened cans of corn in the cargo section of Jim’s truck. I was mad because he left his truck parked in my driveway while he went across the street to hang out with my neighbor friends. The biggest pisser was he left my house without a word. I thought he was coming back. But, no he went to hang out with my friends while his truck blocked my car in.
I was seething with rage that night. I was hoping the raccoons would be crawling all over his truck.
jeannie What did the rude, inconsiderate a-hole say about that?
OMG,
a neighbor came to my door tonight. He said my son was playing tackle football this afternoon and tackled his daughter. He may have to take her to the hospital. She doesn’t remember what happened. And, if she goes to the hospital my son will be named.
Now I know how my son’s eye got scratched. He told me when he got home that he may have a scratch on his eyeball. He explained how it happened.
Well, now I know that it wasn’t him wiping his eye and scratching it accidentally.
jeannie812, oh my, I hope the girl is ok, was she playing tackle football with the boys? I don’t remember how old your son is, but I certainly remember telling my mom and dad some wacky stories to try to stay out of trouble. Keep us posted on what’s happening!!
hens, you’re allowed to get angry. You’re supposed to. It’s part of your survival mechanism. And you’re allowed and supposed to act on it.
Whatever you did, you were communicating something. Whether it was, “I’ve had enough of this crap. Change or go away.” Or, “This is a message that I’m not taking care of you anymore.” Or, “Pay attention, a**hole, this is a message from your future. Can you spell repercussions?”
You may not be comfortable enough with you anger to articulate these things, even to yourself. But there are parts of you that know what to do, even if your conscious “good guy” self is still trying to play by whatever social rules keep you trying to control the appearance of your rage.
I’d suggest you take do a little research project on whatever internal rules tell you that it’s bad to do the things you did. And maybe have a chat with yourself about whether those rules are the cause of your anger being expressed in ways that may be a little silly or inefficient.
Because the point of anger is that it’s a reaction to violated boundaries — maybe personal disrespect, maybe physical or emotional abuse, maybe a sense of exploitation. The physical and psychic affects are a narrowing of the mind’s sight to link your pain to the thing that’s causing it, which you’re body gets ready to do battle to fight this thing off and eliminate the threat. Anger’s mission is to recover safety and peace in your life. What that is accomplished, anger recedes until the next time it’s called upon.
Do you understand what I’m saying, and can you relate it to this actions?
If you’re post-morteming these events, I think you’d be better served to figure out how you could have expressed better what you really wanted to say. And how you could have used these feelings to change your life. Right then and there, because that’s what anger is about, here and now. Although we can also use it for more strategic, long-term efforts to rid ourselves of something athat’s bad for us.
Looking back at my own life, I wish I’d understood and embraced my anger when I was living with my horrible ex. What my anger wanted to say was, “Shape up or get out of my life. This is a not a negotiation. You know what I want. If you can’t provide it, you don’t belong in my life.”
Anger is pretty simple and direct. It is also working for you. Your survival. Your wellbeing. Your happiness.
When we respect what it’s there for, we also become more adult and creative about using that energy. To get what we want without sinking to passive-aggressive behavior and creating a lot of periferal fallout. (Like my mother used to break her own dishes when she was having a fight with my father.)
I hope this makes sense. And I hope his cellphone sizzled while it fried.
Kathy
Thank you Kathleen.. As you know this cell phone thing happpened almost three years ago. I never have expressed anger very well and I put up with alot of crap because I didnt have boundaries back then. I should of fried the cell phone but I just cooked it for 3 or 4 seconds, no obvious damage but it sure didnt work after that, I never told him I did it, but he was so frustrated his cell stopped working that day. I bet he missed a dozen tricks that day…