There can be different perspectives of the sociopath (and other seriously exploitive personalities). These perspectives can offer different experiences of these disturbed individuals. At the same time each perspective offers, I suggest by definition, both a somewhat advantageous and yet limited view of the sociopath.
Living with a sociopath, or finding oneself involved deeply in a “committed” relationship with a sociopath, will offer an incomparably intimate experience of the horrors that sociopaths can inflict on their partners.
Clearly no one, and that includes the so-called “experts” on sociopathy (clinicians and researchers, for instance) will be able to appreciate the impact of the sociopath, on this level, like the partner who has lived with, or been closely involved with, one.
This close, personal relationship confers upon the partner of the sociopath a certain knowledge of sociopathy and, I stress, a certain intimate experience of the sociopath that no clinician or “expert” can possibly approximate; thus, the sociopath’s partner’s experience is surely a unique one, qualifying him or her, from this particular intimate vantage point, as really the ultimate “expert” on sociopathy.
Now thankfully I’ve never lived with a sociopath, a fact which also happens to limit my experience with sociopathic personalities—specifically, in this case, the experience of having lived with one, and had my life razed by one.
In this sense my, or anyone’s, clinical experience of sociopathic individuals—just like one’s clinical experience of any individual—is limited by the structure of the clinical relationship. It is a relationship with boundaries provided inherently, so that the clinician or researcher (unlike the sociopath’s partner) is for the most part protected emotionally and physically from the sociopath’s most damaging, hurtful, violating behaviors.
On one hand, the protection to which I refer—again, a protection that’s inherent in the clinical setting—clearly limits the clinician’s capacity to fully experience the sociopath; on the other hand, the very structure of the clinical setting may enhance the clinician’s ability to apprehend aspects of sociopaths that may elude the sociopath’s partner, because he or she—the clinician— again unlike the sociopath’s partner, in operating within a structure of safety and protection, can observe and study the sociopath more freely and through a much wider lens.
The clinican is afforded the chance to observe and study sociopaths’ attitudes, their interactions, their styles, their variations, their differences. And, of course, not just one of these individuals, but many.
And so the clinician’s experience with sociopaths, while less rich and informative in some important ways than the partner’s experience of the sociopath, in other ways yields him or her different, additional opportunities to grasp how sociopathically-oriented individuals think and act.
And yet over and over again, I note it when a Lovefraud member points out, “But what do YOU know? Or what does HE know? You (or HE) never lived with a sociopath!”
And my response, whenever I read these comments, is to agree with them wholeheartedly. They are entirely valid comments and speak a truth that all so-called “experts” on sociopathy should heed well: those who have lived with the sociopath possess a certain knowledge and experience of the sociopath that is not only unique (as I’ve suggested), but non-attainable to a clinician in any sort of safe, protective clinical setting.
In this sense, or certainly in many respects, the clinician has much more to learn from the sociopath’s partner than the other way around.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of the male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
ifinallygotthelesson
Kalina:
Your posts are really helping me. They are hitting deep in a good way. You “get” it. Thanks.
Cat
Dearest CAmom,
YES, they do commit suicide. I watched my ex slit his wrists in front of me, the long way, telling me he was very serious about what he was doing. Several years later, he ate a load of pills and was intent on killing himseslf and almost made it.
You did NOT do this. He made the choice to end his life. It is NOT your fault and never will be. It was, as so many have said, his last attempt at drawing you in. I am sending you hugs, healing and KNOWING within yourself that you are not at fault.
Steve, excellent article. Your admittance that those to be learned from are those who have been with a sociopath are dead on. NO ONE could have prepared me for what I went through, no one could have possibly understood. Even today, while I’m in recovery, there are those who simply do not know what someone like a spath can do to another human being. I think, as some have said, that you are unique in respect to other counselors, psychologists, etc… in that you are truly into knowing and understanding about anything and everything that has to do with these disordered individuals and the trail of destruction they leave behind. It is my continued hope that others learn to follow in YOUR footsteps as well as those of the other professionals on here who strive to help us understand just exactly what we’ve experienced.
It is only here that I can come and people GET what I say. Only one other person has been able to understand that we don’t just get up one morning, they’re gone and so are the rough times.
ifinallygotthelesson
Dear Changed Forever:
Boy I can so relate that this blog is your therapist, for me too. I stopped going to my old psychologist because she would get the glazed look over her face when I would say literally to her: “I am changed forever because of this. I’m different now on every level.”
She didn’t get the depth or impact that this ahole had on my life, it was all lip service and a cheering up session, that’s not what I needed. I needed a shrink who specialized in psychopaths and where do you find that? I’d love to find a good one.
I am completely changed forever in every way and it saddens me, he took my innocence away. I thought everyone had good in them. No more. : (
hens
Have been reading this thread and some things have been said that just jump out at me ( if we can connect with the spirit that seeks freedom)…that is so powerful..that is what this life lesson is all about..no need to elaborate on that, if you get it, you get it..
newlife08
I have read they seek those who possess the qualities they want for themselves. They mirror us for a time which is why they seem such a soul mate match .
In my experience, he took great advantage of all the good things I was, eventually pointed out all the things I lacked which somehow turned out to be just about everything.
Now, I am nothing but dirt to him. He never loved me, never wanted to be with me – but geez, he lived a pretty good life for 22 years.
I know now I ignored what I shouldn’t have , looked past what I didn’t understand and didn’t try to name the bahaviors that were selfish and self-serving. I buried the pain he caused me. I woke up when the emotional pain he caused me was carrying over to how he treated my children – OUR children . They were being ignored, feeling unloved and not worthy. Then -slowly – the enough is enough stage kicked in .
I feel I am highly empathic, decently intelligent, have a great job, always reach out for those that are hurting. I am a fixer – most likely cause I couldn’t fix myself.
My boundaries were poor, I still question my decisions and opinions, I love too much – but on the outside – people around me think I have my act together.
HE however, knew I just wanted to be loved , a family life – and most of all – HE KNEW I LOVED HIM – hell, he thinks I still do.
HE KNEW I DID NOT WANT TO HURT MY KIDS and
I don’t think he ever thought I would figure him out.
This very site and the people on it were the beginning of the end of my delusions about my husband .
I guess we are all prey – but the ones who offer the most advantage – those are the ones they covet the most.
They may want money, power, wild sex, property, inheritances, control , notoriety – or all of the above .
I think they live by the “What’s in it for me ” creed.
ErinBrock
NewLife:
Good to see you around……
Take a deep breath and keep on the path to ‘freedom’.
XXOO
EB
ifinallygotthelesson
Dear Rosa:
Ditto to every single thing you said, my experiences exactly! You put it into words like I could not.
THANK YOU!!
fearlesspeace
Dear Ifinallygotthelesson,
I know what you mean about feeling like you have lost your innocence, but I also feel like I have reached a milestone. The reality of KNOWING there really are bad people in this world is better than living in a magical idealized world where “no one would want to hurt me because I am so dang nice” because that place does not exist. I like knowing I need to protect myself. I have found it so empowering to tell people NO (taking my money, imposing on my time, treating me like a door mat, twisting my words). No, no, no. I KNOW what they are doing now and they no longer have the power because now I do!
Peace, Fearless
Dani S
Hi ifinallygotthelesson,
It is so important that we find therapists that (understand/know) spaths. We are in too much of a sensitive confused state to have just anyone working with our recovery.
My mother is a therapist but didn’t understand spath’s so she networked to find one for me and eventually found a forensic psychologist who validated me the second I opened my mouth.
Ask around, research and find someone that know’s what they are dealing with. This is also important I found out with my legal team.
In the beginning I found a barrister who believed my husband. It was a very traumatic experience paying thousands of dollars to a person that thought I was nuts and was helping the ex gain access to our daughter.
Through asking around, we found a barrister that knew them well and he creamed him in court time & time again over a 12 month period, until the ex just didn’t turn up to court anymore & I was awarded full custody of our daughter and the ex has not been seen since.
To your other question about grieving for a spath. Yes they may not exhibit real emotions but he was real to me because all my feelings and love were real.
As with any mourning process it takes time but no less because what he gave me was not real….
I think also it took longer as there was so much anger attached to it as well!
The feeling of being deceived also made me grieve for the innocent free spirited girl that was no longer as well.. 🙂
Ox Drover
Dear DANI S!!!!
TOWANDA for you !!!!!! I’m so glad the monster is out of your kid’s life! That right there is worth whatever you had to go through to get it!!! YOU ARE BLESSED!!!!