There can be different perspectives of the sociopath (and other seriously exploitive personalities). These perspectives can offer different experiences of these disturbed individuals. At the same time each perspective offers, I suggest by definition, both a somewhat advantageous and yet limited view of the sociopath.
Living with a sociopath, or finding oneself involved deeply in a “committed” relationship with a sociopath, will offer an incomparably intimate experience of the horrors that sociopaths can inflict on their partners.
Clearly no one, and that includes the so-called “experts” on sociopathy (clinicians and researchers, for instance) will be able to appreciate the impact of the sociopath, on this level, like the partner who has lived with, or been closely involved with, one.
This close, personal relationship confers upon the partner of the sociopath a certain knowledge of sociopathy and, I stress, a certain intimate experience of the sociopath that no clinician or “expert” can possibly approximate; thus, the sociopath’s partner’s experience is surely a unique one, qualifying him or her, from this particular intimate vantage point, as really the ultimate “expert” on sociopathy.
Now thankfully I’ve never lived with a sociopath, a fact which also happens to limit my experience with sociopathic personalities—specifically, in this case, the experience of having lived with one, and had my life razed by one.
In this sense my, or anyone’s, clinical experience of sociopathic individuals—just like one’s clinical experience of any individual—is limited by the structure of the clinical relationship. It is a relationship with boundaries provided inherently, so that the clinician or researcher (unlike the sociopath’s partner) is for the most part protected emotionally and physically from the sociopath’s most damaging, hurtful, violating behaviors.
On one hand, the protection to which I refer—again, a protection that’s inherent in the clinical setting—clearly limits the clinician’s capacity to fully experience the sociopath; on the other hand, the very structure of the clinical setting may enhance the clinician’s ability to apprehend aspects of sociopaths that may elude the sociopath’s partner, because he or she—the clinician— again unlike the sociopath’s partner, in operating within a structure of safety and protection, can observe and study the sociopath more freely and through a much wider lens.
The clinican is afforded the chance to observe and study sociopaths’ attitudes, their interactions, their styles, their variations, their differences. And, of course, not just one of these individuals, but many.
And so the clinician’s experience with sociopaths, while less rich and informative in some important ways than the partner’s experience of the sociopath, in other ways yields him or her different, additional opportunities to grasp how sociopathically-oriented individuals think and act.
And yet over and over again, I note it when a Lovefraud member points out, “But what do YOU know? Or what does HE know? You (or HE) never lived with a sociopath!”
And my response, whenever I read these comments, is to agree with them wholeheartedly. They are entirely valid comments and speak a truth that all so-called “experts” on sociopathy should heed well: those who have lived with the sociopath possess a certain knowledge and experience of the sociopath that is not only unique (as I’ve suggested), but non-attainable to a clinician in any sort of safe, protective clinical setting.
In this sense, or certainly in many respects, the clinician has much more to learn from the sociopath’s partner than the other way around.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of the male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
I continue to be amazed at the similarity of all our narratives, & particularly by the similarity of the words we use to describe the SPs in our lives! Everyone who has described The LOOK as they remember it has added just one more apt word about it & how they perceived it & their sensations upon seeing it….& thinking about it afterward:
“hollow”, “blank shutdown”, “empty”, “like utter disgust”, “sizing up their prey to see how they could take it down,” “a curtain fall,” “like a snake.” Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Had I known this a few years ago, maybe the predator wouldn’t have been able to take me down to the ground & nearly destroy me!
& yes, Oxy, my mother often looked at me the same way…it was only when I read Scott Peck’s “People of the Lie” when I was 50 that I realized that my mother’s shame issues engendered her with Evil. It’s unsettling, isn’t it, that encountering these creatures in our childhoods almost guarantees that we’ll unconsciously seek out more of them thru out our lives!
bluejay,
you’re right on in wondering what would cause a child of 6 to say he wanted to be a “human bean” when he grew up.
You’ve hit upon the baseline of J. He was born to a 15yo Irish mother & 16yo Pyute father, & given up for adoption at 3 mos….adopted by a Quaker couple, his adopted father kind & gentle, a well-known chemistry professor,the mother (he says) harsh, cold, critical. They lived on the gparents dairy farm. He talks about abandonment issues. He was rebellious, intractable as a child….sent to private Christian boarding schools for 9 yrs. I believe that all of these factors caused a bifurcation in his personality. And that he recognized it as a child, & has been fighting with it all his life. I’m not talking about “split personality”, but something much more subtle than that. J has 2 distinct & separate sides to himself, & I believe that these war with each other. [I’d like to get comments on this bifurcation, & if anyone knows more about this than I do, please share with me! I have more to add about the things I’ve seen in J, but don’t have time to go into it now.]
chinagirl,
two things: drinking & religiosity.
You mentioned that your x was mean & nasty when he drank. I’ve read that SPs are affected by alcohol differently from most of us….that it takes them very little to get to an inebriated state, & that it’s because their true nature (the mean, cold, & hateful nature) is just below the surface. J had stopped drinking in 03, but he’d started again about 7 mos before he left, & that was the problem: it didn’t take much to get him to the unreasonable, argumentative level, & he’d always say, “I haven’t had that much to drink”. (I drink daily myself, but very moderately, so I’m fine with people drinking, but not drunkenness!) After he left, he said he thot I “exaggerated” about the way he was when he drank becuz—like most SPs, I suspect—was able to completely block out the way he behaved when drinking.
Religiosity: as I said, Quaker upbringing, Christian boarding schools—leading to total rejection of “religion” in favor of “spirituality”, the hippie/psychedelic spirituality that many of us (myself included) embraced in the 60s. He hadn’t been to church in many years til he met me, & at first was cynical about it—-especially communion, which he always maintained was “barbaric”. He resented many of the scriptures, & was especially opposed to Paul, James, & the OT in general. While in prison, he studied a lot of religious writings, & by the time he came home, was ready to immerse himself completely in our Methodist church, & to study intensely for our SunSch discussions. He & I prompted the founding of an outreach ministry to the needy people of the community in 04, & he became a devoted volunteer after prison, even more engaged than other volunteers, going the extra mile to find the clients help, & giving them $ himself, as well as tithing strictly to thst ministry.
Long story shorter: Tho I—& many people in our church—were in awe of his devotion to the ministry, & his grasp of & wisdom about the Bible, & adherence to Jesus’ teaching, I now have to question WHY he did it.
Comments?
Then after he abandoned me, he started sending me his “platitude” emails: “I pray for you every day”, “God loves you. He loves the wild ponies the best.” And, “You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself & go out & help people who are really worse off than you…..I’m thinking you’d be good at the women’s shelter.” (I told him that, at that time, I should be IN the women’s shelter.) After a lifetime of drug use up until his arrest, he was suddenly very self-righteous about drugs, & began to tell me how much he Hated Drugs…..telling me that was why he left me, even tho, like you, chinagirl, I’d stopped doing drugs 5 yrs ago & was completely recovered! And then he told me about his “loving & Godly Wife, contrary to me!” I’ve learned that she is from a fundamentalist Christian family, so my take on it is that he began to MIRROR HER, after he started their affair shortly after he got home from prison!
One thing I want to add about the GW, & his attraction to her as another willing victim: we found, thru Internet sleuthing after he left, that her parents paid $65,000 in 11/07 to send her to Passages for a month, after a 20 yr battle with alcoholism!! He found another he could *save*, one so eager to love this kind, helpful “Godly Man”!! It’s really funny, in a macabre way!
I’m interested in hearing if others besides chinagirl & Kim have any thots on the religiosity or drinking characteristics.
Kalina,
After posting my comment, I looked above & saw yours. That’s exactly the bifurcation or “split” that I was talking about. I wasn’t clear from your post if you were talking about that “split” occurring in all of us, or specifically as a factor in personality disorders like sociopathy.
I’ve discussed this bifurcation in J with my therapist, & she agreed it was possible, but didn’t say much more about it.
Kalina, Rosa and all;
I agree with what Rosa says about the ‘clean violence’ and the subtle ways we let ourselves be abused. And by not honoring the truth – your statement ‘We will become more
human when we intensify our sensitivity to truth.
Whether this person in my life is a sociopath or not, it is my truth that I have hung on to him in ways that are weak and that have made me weak – and now make him that more
angry as he is today when I’ve pulled away. And right now, as I want to be ‘Good’ as you say, Kalina – because I feel angry with him or situations concerning him, us or outside
factors in my life and don’t CONSISTENTLY express it in constructive ways – then it takes him to call me on it – and tell me how unpredictable I (underline that ‘I’) am and at least
he has been consistently who he is for the past 8 years. My sister passed two months ago now, my son was just in a bike race accident and is thankfully coming home after surgery
from another state tonight. I had taken this week off to go out of state myself for short vacation – instead I really needed to watch my grandson or three days while my son’s
girlfriend flew to be with him – I had told my friend I might be going on vacation – I know he wanted to go with me and was hurt that I tried to explain I’d like the time alone – (and
I knew his suggestion that he could probably come up with $100 to help out would likely not happen – so I would be buying burgers and more for two…)
This is someone I’ve professed to love – to him, to myself so I feel like the traitor – because I told him yesterday I was just very tired – had taken my grandson to other babysitter
for afternoon and overnight break. And my friend usually calls me every night but didn’t last night, then called late this morning to tell me I’m so unpredictable – and if I really loved
him, I would have called HIM last night (like he’s never done something similar – I basically just wanted a night off from addressing or being there for ANYONE – I had told him I was
very tired – in all ways.) So he says he has met someone, that I’ve been so difficult to understand (and he’s probably right – I think I’ve been pretty consistent in being there for him
and being who I really am in being a compassionate person – but then I’ve come here, or gone to therapist, or a close friend and tried to make sense of how to deal with him – someone
who is homeless, jobless right now…I’ve tried to help him on the internet for jobs and typing resumes, driven him back and forth, lost time and money – and yet somehow I have ultimately let him down. And he’s right, I’ll be sweet and be understanding and then seemingly in sudden way – just shut down – but I do have my reasons and I am human, sometimes he does not
want to give me enough emotional and physical space – perhaps as an artist, I require more, I don’t know.
Oxy, EB and others, you don’t have to address this personally – my situation goes quite a ways back – perhaps God’s given me these other family challenges (and gifts – had wonderful
day with my daughter who visited and we took my grandson and dogs out for great day at river this week). I’m glad my son is okay and coming home. I may try to get away this
weekend or not, doesn’t matter – I just need to look at what are my own real patterns with men and in my own life that I have been making more and more steps to get back on track.
Thanks to you all, I’ve been coming back here – even when it seems like I’m betraying this relationship – it has given me a certain peace and sanity though I hope I am not just doing
it to let myself off the hook at looking at what’s wrong with me.
Kalina, was referring to your statement about intensifying our sensitivity to truth, thank you – that is such an important thing to remember – sometimes I feel I’ve been dulled down.
Dear BBE,
You talk about being on this or that gay website…I am assuming you are on those websites looking for companionship (or more) and you haven’t asked for my advice, but I am giving it to you for free, so take it or leave it, you aren’t out anything. However, I am so AGAINST any kind of “dating” site contacts because of the high percentage of psychopaths and users out there.
Sure, there may be a nice person or two out there that uses them, but the majority of them are like your X “friend”—Ps just out there trolling. Be safe!
Dear Persephone,
Darling no one who cares about YOU treats you the way you say he is treating you. He is playing the “helpless” person for you to pity and to fix.
Last summer I took in a woman who was living in a TINY RV with her two dogs, gave her a place to park and companionship and some help so that she could get a job and better her situation, but at least be safe in the meantime. So she could leave her dogs here while she went to work.
Well, she was here for three months and made no signs of helping herself, only coming up with 1000s of excuses why she couldn’t leave her dogs here and go to work or even look for work. Found her work she could do over the inernet but she wouldn’t even do that…always excuses why she needed “more help” and when that help came it wasn’t enough—never enough.
It sounds to me that this man is playing you, using your good and caring and giving nature and totally unwilling to help himself or to honor your boundaries.
I know you have pity and compassion for this man, and maybe love, but my suggestion is to dump him as quickly as you can. He will whine and complain how mean you are, but he is nothing but an emotional MOOCH and maybe a financial one. You are worth much more than that. You deserve more than that. (((hugs))))
Dear Why Me:
Glad you found this site, it saved my life on every single level.
I don’t feel like myself anymore either, I am completely different now the psycopath leveled me in a way I never thought possible.
Ditto:
…”.. highly enthusiastic, energetic, entertaining “girl” I’d been all my life”. He took away all my spunk.
And, ifinallygot[it]: “I am completely changed forever in every way and it saddens me, he took my innocence away”
Exactly. That’s what saddens me, too”.at 65yo I lost my “innocence”. I was thinking about this earlier tonite—that I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t sense the MOXIE in me anymore. I have a hard time envisioning myself ever being the highly enthusiastic, energetic, entertaining “girl” I’d been all my life until the last few years of his draining it out of me—& my never realizing until he left that he’d had an IV line hooked to my psyche & my person for the last 8 yrs, & that my life force had been slowly dripping onto the dirty floor. I was looking in the mirror & seeing how much my face has changed in the 3months since he abandoned me w/out a word”.3months ago, I looked 55”today I look a very sad, even possibly bitter (oh no!) 60. I can only hope & pray & work for the day that I can begin to find myself again”.& look in the mirror & see a beautifully peaceful & joyous face there again, even if it’s a weathered & lined 75.
Dear Ifinallygotthelesson and friends,
There is a reason it takes so long to heal. We have been caugt in the web of negativity created by our attempt to make sense out of nonsense.
Friends,
We cannot afford the negativity that invades our psyche and impoverishes our emotional well-being.
There are ways to neutralize this trend. Once we reverse our self destructive tendencies, we will restore some of our lost humanity. If you would like me to explore this split in the psyche of both perpetrator and victim, please let me know. I am here for all of you, my friends, as well as for myself.
Dear Whyme,
Your strength will come with acceptance that your life is not what you thought it was…get mad girl, get mad as heck and do something for YOU. Do something to reclaim your space, make your home yours again (I should talk–got my house up for sale, can hardly wait to have a clean slate, but I did do these things and it helped my healing tremendously). Burn some sage to cleanse the environment, drive out the evil, get yourself new bedding, put out your beautiful things and get rid of his–throw them out and watch the trash trucks come & take it away (that felt good–especially since he told me to wash those clothes before he took them to his new place–HA!). Just start–one box at a time. You will feel so good to do some small thing for yourself. Once it is done, stand back and look at it. Admire your work. Admire yourself and enjoy the gift of starting to GET YOURSELF BACK.