“Discrimination” has come to be a dirty word. It brings to mind unfair treatment of individuals because of race, religion, gender, national origin, physical disability, sexual orientation or some other broad categorization. People have been killed, beaten, denied jobs, denied housing, prosecuted, persecuted and denigrated because of some demographic category to which they belonged.
All of this applies to one meaning of the word “discrimination.” But there is another meaning that is vitally important when it comes to sociopaths. Here are the two meanings according to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language:
-
Discrimination
- Treatment or consideration based on class or category rather than individual merit.
- The ability or power to see or make fine distinctions; discernment.
Created equal
So far, we’ve been talking about the first meaning. In the United States, there’s always been a moral tradition against this type of discrimination. In church, we’re taught that “we’re all God’s children.” In school, we learned that “all men are created equal.”
For generations, though, the words were one thing, but practice was another. So laws were passed to prohibit discriminative behavior and to encourage redress of the violations of the past. This is generally good. Yes, some people take advantage of these laws, but the intention—a level playing field for all—is admirable and right.
I remember when this effort was just getting underway. I was a teenager when the feminist and black power movements began in the United States. When I was in junior high school, a question raging among my classmates was, “Do you believe in women’s lib?” In college, I was once asked, “Do you believe in black quarterbacks?”
Now, the questions seem so quaint that it’s hard to imagine they were seriously posed. Today’s young people don’t even seem to need the concepts of “political correctness” or “diversity awareness.” They appear to be inclusive of all groups of people. This is terrific.
But there is a downside to all this inclusiveness.
Non-judgmental
It seems that in our efforts to be non-judgmental about groups of people, we also hesitate to be judgmental about individuals.
Based on what Lovefraud readers have said in telling your stories, it seems that most of us are moral, caring, considerate people who want to live productive lives and help our neighbors along the way. We are inclined to realize that people have problems and give others the benefit of the doubt. We want to believe that everyone has good within them.
When we run into a sociopath, this mindset can be disastrous. It leads us to keep lending assistance, keep believing the apologies and the promises to change, far longer than we should.
Where sociopaths are concerned, we must discriminate, in the second sense of the word. We must develop “the ability or power to see or make fine distinctions.” We need to know the signs of a sociopath, and when we see them, get the person quickly out of our lives.
Evil people
The problem is, until we’ve tangled with a sociopath—and probably had our lives close to ruined because of one—we don’t even know that we need to discriminate, let alone how to do it.
I’ve written before that sociopaths are evil. People take issue with this terminology—it seems to have religious implications, or at the very least, convey a message of intolerance.
In The People of the Lie, M. Scott Peck, M.D., defines evil as “that which seeks to kill life or liveliness.” Evil, he says, has to do with murder—which can be either physical murder, or murder of the spirit.
This is what sociopaths do. If they don’t physically kill us, they suck out our emotions, energy and resources, until we have nothing left, not even our sense of self. They murder our spirits.
There are millions of sociopaths living among us, ready to commit this type of murder. But instead of being taught that they exist, what to look out for and when to discriminate (the second definition), we are taught that it is wrong to discriminate (the first definition).
Yes or no
Sociopaths cannot be identified by any readily apparent characteristics such as race, religion or gender. Every demographic group—men, women, rich, poor, all races, all faiths—includes some sociopaths. They can only be identified by behavior.
We need to know how to spot these evil people. The essence of discrimination, as in discernment, is learning when to say yes and when to say no. We must say “no” to sociopaths.
Tolerance is generally good for society. Sociopaths, however, do not deserve it.
Great post Donna. I will take your post one-step further and say they are oppressed, obsessed and posessed (very few total posession) by the Devil . Those are some of the ways the Devil effects a soul.
I realize many people aren’t religious and even many clergy do not acknowledge with good there’s also evil. Many religious believe “there’s some good in them”- which theologically is true, no one on earth is 100% evil Thomas Aquinas explains this if someone is interested and I can’t possibly do justice to his explcation, BUT some people come damn near close to 100% evil.
The Devil wants us to deny his existence, we delight him when we do. Think about psychopaths they want the same- disbelief. When I delved into my faith I realized believing in God, good, meant also accepting evil. And when it comes to the unrepentant, the Bible tell us to walk away.
Why we think we need to provide “hiring quotas” for psychopaths I do not know. I practice zero-tolerance, and on a side-note what I have found is once you stop playing they reveal themselves.It is frightening to see that we are indeed making their mask for them. That’s what the devil counts on, that we will believe his lies.
BTW – Dr. Peck participated in exorcsisms and thought they were necessary and the only treatment for psychopaths.
I would like to see a t-shirt, like they have for non-smoking, that has “Sociopath” on it. Actually, you could sell them on your site, I think they’d be a big hit! At the very least, they would be a very good conversation piece, and would help to inform and educate present and potential victims!
I do not presently see any GOOD in my ex-Sociopath, whom I previously trusted implicitly and believed was a man of honor and integrity. He is nothing but a predator with an agenda (mostly money and sex). EVERY action by a sociopath has a manipulative, underlying, evil purpose. Any “goodness” by them is feigned…with an underlying motive.
I also practice “zero tolerance”. One red flag, and you’re out. No exceptions.
That is a great post, Donna. And so true.
We are taught in school that “it takes two to fight” and that “there are two sides to every story” and in my opinion I think teaching these things to children is very countrer productive.
It only takes one to fight (bully), but they do need a victim.
The fact that there are “two sides” to every argument does not mean that each should have equal weight.
We are taught not to “profile” individuals because of their race, dress, education, financial status, etc. but at the same time, we need to also use some common sense in our personal lives. I realize that a bully or psychopath can be any race, age, economic status, gender, etc. but we have to “profile” them by behavior. We do have to discriminate in the sense that we have to assume that if they behave like a psychopath that they likely are one and treat them accordingly (avoidance of any intimate dealings or financial dealings).
I have found that it doesn’t matter if they gave birth to you, or you gave birth to them you must GET AWAY from them at all costs.
Many people (who don’t understand the P mentality) would say to me “Oh, you can’t NC your mother” or “but he’s your son!” and put pressure on me to resume contact, to continue to “try” to “fix” them, “give them another chance.” I surcummed to this pressure for years, feeling in my bones it was wrong, but allowing it to push me back into the FOG.
I too believe in God and His goodness, but I also believe in Satan and his evilness. Whether you believe in a supreme being or not, EVIL in this world is a FACT. “Man’s inhumanity to man” is a FACT. Ps and their predatory nature are facts.
Just as there are breeds of dogs generally more friendly than other breeds, you can “profile” the dog (on sight) and decide for yourself whether you want to pet it or not. Unfortunately you can’t tell the human “beagles” from the “human Pit bulls” on sight, but we must use behaviors and our knowledge of P behaviors in order to not stick our hands into the Ps’ mouth for another bite. And, keep in mind that they are masters of disguise.
I agree with holywatersalt about ZERO tolerance, and have accepted my first criteria as “the lie.” The first time someone lies to me, they are forever out of my inner circle of trust. (small children excepted) LOL
Looking back on my dealings with Ps, every time I “forgave” a lie, and let them back into my circle of trust, it was the WRONG move. I realize that not everyone who tells a lie is a P, but all Ps are liars, and I would rather err on the side of caution than to let anyone who is a liar into an intimate relationship with me of any kind. People who are dishonest and/or liars are not the kind of people I want to be involved with. People who treat other people rudely will eventually treat me rudely, people who lie or abuse others will lie to and abuse me in the end. Avoiding this kind of person will allow me to also avoid the Ps of this world.
It also makes the people I do love and who love me, doubly prescious. I also have no residual guilt about “deserting” my mother or my son. My son is a flamming P and my mother is a hard core enabler of him, who will lie, cheat and other things to protect him from the consequences of his behavior.
Life is much simpler and more pleasant with the Ps all OUT of my life. I think for the first time in my life, there is no pain and chaos, only a sense of peace.
This is a great topic. I wrote about something similiar on another thread when someone was talking about not being judgemental. I think it was on the thread about Internet Dating in the discussion about “Cuddle Parties.”
Here’s what I wrote… I am quoting myself. How tacky.
“We are being trained by our Culture… at least in the US, to be open and non-judgemental. We think if we reject something it means we are “judging” something and that reflects negatively on us. I found a definition of the word “judge.”
to judge: To form an opinion or estimation of after careful consideration”
Donna’s post drives this home with her discussion of the 2nd meaning of discrimination.
The thing is, my discrimination and judgement were on when I first met the Bad Man and I let him talk me out of it. I even talked myself out of it. In fact, when he first displayed a disturbing outburst, I recall that I said.. to myself and others… “Who am I to judge. I haven’t experienced the kind of losses he has and I am sure he is in more pain than I can imagine.” Wow! I was realy working hard for him. He didn’t have to make excuses. I made them for him!
I feel like I am so different from that person now. I look back at myself, a puppet, being controlled by a lunatic. Back then, I disconnected from all that I knew in my mnd and in my body. Why did I do that? I know the answer. That is why a sociopathic encounter is so life altering… if you have abandond YOU… it will bring you back to yourself. No one could save me from him but me.
As broken down as some of us feel, we have to acknowledge that we are still here and that something is holding us up. That something is the YOU that you weren’t listening to for so long. See how strong you really are?
Of course, that’s just my opinion. :o)
Lovely insights, Aloha, aboug being judgmental and the powerful statement, “No one could save me from him but me”.
Recovering from a Sociopath is all about taking back the power…taking back the “us”, the “me” …that we relinquished. We relinquished power to the Bad Men or BM (your terminology which is becoming popular, Aloha) because of the “Snapshots”, which never truly existed (except in our minds) and certainly do not exist anymore. Because nothing about the Bad Men is, or ever was, real. It was all imagery, an illusion, a magician’s magic, if you will, all a great and very elaborate play. My Sociopath used to say “life is a chess game”, and of course it is all about them winning. And winning at all costs, irregardless and in spite of any devastation left in their wake, and (sometimes) because they glory in the power, in the taking, in the figurative raping and pillaging of innocent victims.
I wouldn’t have wished this (S) experience on anyone, myself included. But I have found that it has been a journey of learning, insight, profound introspection, and a quest for what is the true meaning and purpose in life, or “quest”. I have read that we learn the most from difficult people…not only do we learn about them, but about ourselves.
And if life is a journey of learning, then it appears that we are all progressing nicely…we just had a couple of bumps in the road.
I think part of this “who am I to judge” or “who am I to discriminate” is part of what makes us “enablers” and allows us to not set and enforce appropriate boundaries.
I was taught “hospitality” as a way of life, but at the same time, it never dawned on me that when someone “mooched” off me I had every right to say “NO” to them.
I finally got to that point where I could set boundaries in some areas, but I didn’t apply them “universally” there were “blind spots” in my vision in which I did not set and enforce appropriate boundaries between being “hospitable” and being a “patsy.”
I felt the DISCOMFORT in my gut, but I didn’t know how to assert myself without thinking I might be “inappropriate” or “hurt someone’s feelings.” (again, another instance of NOT listening to my gut).
People who “knew” me at least superficially would have described me as “assertive” yet, how LITTLE they knew that inside me I was anything but “assertive”—I was constantly in a turmoil because I wanted to be “assertive” but I didn’t have the courage of conviction to actually STAND UP for myself in ALL aspects of my life, not just in a few.
When I read the letters that my P-son wrote to the Trojan Horse P advising him how to “manage me” (and I am so thankful that the TH-P saved them all and I got my hands on them after he went to jail) I saw myself through my P-son’s eyes and HE KNEW ME to the CORE. One of the things he said was “don’t worry about pi$$ing off Mom, grandma will take my side, she always does no matter what.” How right he was. He never worried about doing something that was wrong or mean to me, he knew my mother (enabler) would protect him and that I would always give in to her wishes no matter how wrong I thought they were.
What my P-son didn’t count on was that I had finally reached the “breaking point” where it was “get healthy or die” and I chose to live.
It is, as peggy put it so well, all about TAKING BACK YOUR POWER—I have taken back my power over ME. I realize that I gave HIM the power, I gave them ALL the power to control me for their desires just like I have total control over the dogs I train. And I was just as willing to give over my power to them as the dogs are to give their power and free will over to me, for an occasional crust of bread and a pat on the head….the only difference is that I ACTUALLY LOVE the dogs, and care for their well being and happiness. I may train them but I don’t abuse them.
And, one other difference, if I were to have an animal that was aggressive to the point that they were dangerous, I do know and am quite capable of doing what “needed to be done” and to put that animal “down.” Unfortunately the law doesn’t let us put a P “down,” we have to “catch and release” but at least we don’t have to keep on feediing them. LOL
Peggy et al, So true all of your insights. When you take back yourself, what do you do with your past? The stage I am at is deconstructing what the past 29 years have been about, trying to figure out where I was, and how I stayed committed to enabling and excusing him for so long. Does anyone have something to say about what to do with your MEMORIES?
The good ones I mean, the times when you thought you were “together” and loved and happy and working for the same goals, loving your kids, all that. Where do you put all that good stuff after it has been crushed by the weight of his deceptions and manipulations? I guess I am talking about the time when I felt he was extraordianry and by extension I was very special too.
I won’t go back there, I am nearing a place of peace without him, but there is plenty of pain when I brush up against MY LIFE .
How do you file away that part of your life without being a ghost ?
Where do you put it?
My S was not as volatile as some, and between bouts of near manic activity,spending,moving,taking on huge new ventures, when he tired of this he would shut down on occassion for years. Be not present. Watch television. In between all this he would demonstrate huge acts of generosity, on myself and the kids. Anything we wanted. His public persona is one of a caring family man, a risk taker with steely resolve, a successful business man, steady as a rock, always even tempered, sometimes ruthless in business, but still seen, I believe by many, as honerable.
At present my friends are either dumbfounded as to why I would throw my marriage away, or think I am a spoiled crybaby. One couple has gotten close enough to see who he is, and have lent me their moral support, my daughter gets it because she is seperated from her N.
I am rambling but to get back to the point of this thread, surely we must discrimminate “within” a relationship as well, once it is underway, we must consider carefully and reach our judgements on an ongoing basis.
In my case, his kind acts and grandiose achievments, together with my love and strong committment to not DIVORCE papered over my ability or willingness to discern critically, all the outrageous crazy making behavior, the constant crisis making, the life or death struggle to exist, the total lack of humor or basic joy in life. I knew all that was missing, and sought it activly and often succesfully for myself and my kids, but gave him a big get out of jail free card, because he was “busy” “stressed” “bringing home the bacon” “preoccupied with business” “depressed about losing his career” “bored” etc. etc.
He was so self contained that most of the time I questioned myself and my sanity before his. Outsiders would certainly see me as the “crazy” one and him as the rock.
Zero tolerance for the abuse of trust is a very good motto. Had I lived by that I would have been out many years ago.
Peace and good healing to all, I so value this site and all of you insights.
Eyesewideshut-
You bring up good questions-
How to know…. I often have criticized women for being TOO picky, to a point I think they want a man to be super-human.I am married ( not to a psycho), have children and am the age where I see peers scrambling to find one before..tick/tock.
I do think some wanted “super man” — so what criteria do women use? I think it’s deciptively easy— unlike psychos who use mostly words, seduction and lies– real men back it up with action. My husband has always been there for me- even when what he said was not polished. I never was afraid to ask him for help or trust he’d follow through. Even when we had briefly broken up,he voluntarily helped me out financially because he knew I needed it. He just did it. He’s not perfect, was quite rough when I met him,but once he settled his own issues– he was good. He had a very dysfunctional upbringing to put it mildly- but once he got a handle on it,he has coped and thrived.
I think the key is action and time. But I do not think I need to be ever vigilant now, over 18 yrs.later, to his behavior….we need to, at a safe point, to reclaim trust or psychos win.
Eyeswideshut:
I can relate to your questions about “what to do with the memories” and my Sociopath was like your statements, “he would demonstrate huge acts of generosity, on myself and the kids. Anything we wanted. His public persona is one of a caring family man, a risk taker with steely resolve, a successful business man, steady as a rock, always even tempered, sometimes ruthless in business, but still seen, I believe by many, as honorable.”
I also understand about the lack of humour, the boredom, the TV viewing or constantly being on the computer. My Sociopath rode a motorcycle without a helmet. He had an affair and lied about it. He had to have the “best” of everything…custom convertible, custom work truck, fancy furniture, silk shirts, Caribbean vacations, first class in Vegas.
My Sociopath stole from his family, friends, and business partners alike. There is no discrimination in this regard. They need constant stimulation, and don’t, I believe, really “think” regarding matters of the heart, or contemplate things or process or renuminate the way we do. I can guarantee he isn’t thinking about you. My sociopath would say, “done is done” and that sums it up. When they are gone, they are finished with you and on to the next.
Many people also still do not believe the things I have said about my Sociopath. Perhaps they never will. But the truth is the truth, and I believe that in time the truth will be evident. I believe my S will be in a federal prison within the next 2 years (money laundering, tax fraud, stealing from businesses). Also, these Sociopaths are very patterned, and he will repeat the same patterns with his next victim…
I agree with holywatersalt, who says “action and time”. These will help to heal you.
My memories (only 3 years worth) are also devastatingly painful. I believed him to be an honest, honest, generous, hardworking man of honesty and integrity. He was none of these. Everything was a facade…the calmness, the seeming coolness even in the face of adversity (his losing money from divorce, lawsuits)…of course, they are most upset when losing money, and happiest when getting money. It pains me to think that every time he said “I love you”, there was no love in his heart, only an agenda. He told his (former) best friends, “I don’t love her. It’s all about the money”. That really hurts, because I really DID love him, and trust him, and believed his acts of generosity were kindness, not just a “show”. Like the reference to the “cracked mirror” someone made on Lovefraud, it is SO TRUE. They want perfection, adoration, respect and trust mirrored back to them, EVEN THOUGH they don’t deserve it. They cannot tolerate questioning, truthseeking, and seeing them as the empty shells they really are.
I now know the truth. I have figured out the puzzle, and it is definitely eye-opening. The truth will set you free, as the saying goes. It can release you from the emotional bondage and emotional devastation. The truth is a starting point from which you can begin life anew.
Eyeswideshut, put your memories in a place of safekeeping … compartmentalized; in your mind, in a drawer, burn them in effigy in your mind…but put them away. Allow yourself only a small amount of time to reference them, until you don’t need them anymore as you build new ones.
Your memories, unfortunately, are of real events, but events that occurred with a person that was NOT real. Everything about the sociopath is pretend. Fake. Insincere. False.
There is tremendous personal growth that comes from this process. This is the time for YOU. The time for you to find your personal destiny, your personal path in life, a path of joy and enlightenment. A time of truth.
Zero tolerance for red flags.
Zero tolerance for liars.
Zero tolerance for manipulators.
Zero tolerance for abuse.
Eyeswideshut, this is a time of strength. YOUR strength. The strength, the courage, the loving, caring, nurturing, bright and shining goodness that has always been in YOU. This is YOUR time.
I wish you peace, happiness, and joy as you journey toward the place you wish to travel. Only YOU know where that journey will take you.
Peace…what a beautiful word
Peggy Pseu