“Discrimination” has come to be a dirty word. It brings to mind unfair treatment of individuals because of race, religion, gender, national origin, physical disability, sexual orientation or some other broad categorization. People have been killed, beaten, denied jobs, denied housing, prosecuted, persecuted and denigrated because of some demographic category to which they belonged.
All of this applies to one meaning of the word “discrimination.” But there is another meaning that is vitally important when it comes to sociopaths. Here are the two meanings according to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language:
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Discrimination
- Treatment or consideration based on class or category rather than individual merit.
- The ability or power to see or make fine distinctions; discernment.
Created equal
So far, we’ve been talking about the first meaning. In the United States, there’s always been a moral tradition against this type of discrimination. In church, we’re taught that “we’re all God’s children.” In school, we learned that “all men are created equal.”
For generations, though, the words were one thing, but practice was another. So laws were passed to prohibit discriminative behavior and to encourage redress of the violations of the past. This is generally good. Yes, some people take advantage of these laws, but the intention—a level playing field for all—is admirable and right.
I remember when this effort was just getting underway. I was a teenager when the feminist and black power movements began in the United States. When I was in junior high school, a question raging among my classmates was, “Do you believe in women’s lib?” In college, I was once asked, “Do you believe in black quarterbacks?”
Now, the questions seem so quaint that it’s hard to imagine they were seriously posed. Today’s young people don’t even seem to need the concepts of “political correctness” or “diversity awareness.” They appear to be inclusive of all groups of people. This is terrific.
But there is a downside to all this inclusiveness.
Non-judgmental
It seems that in our efforts to be non-judgmental about groups of people, we also hesitate to be judgmental about individuals.
Based on what Lovefraud readers have said in telling your stories, it seems that most of us are moral, caring, considerate people who want to live productive lives and help our neighbors along the way. We are inclined to realize that people have problems and give others the benefit of the doubt. We want to believe that everyone has good within them.
When we run into a sociopath, this mindset can be disastrous. It leads us to keep lending assistance, keep believing the apologies and the promises to change, far longer than we should.
Where sociopaths are concerned, we must discriminate, in the second sense of the word. We must develop “the ability or power to see or make fine distinctions.” We need to know the signs of a sociopath, and when we see them, get the person quickly out of our lives.
Evil people
The problem is, until we’ve tangled with a sociopath—and probably had our lives close to ruined because of one—we don’t even know that we need to discriminate, let alone how to do it.
I’ve written before that sociopaths are evil. People take issue with this terminology—it seems to have religious implications, or at the very least, convey a message of intolerance.
In The People of the Lie, M. Scott Peck, M.D., defines evil as “that which seeks to kill life or liveliness.” Evil, he says, has to do with murder—which can be either physical murder, or murder of the spirit.
This is what sociopaths do. If they don’t physically kill us, they suck out our emotions, energy and resources, until we have nothing left, not even our sense of self. They murder our spirits.
There are millions of sociopaths living among us, ready to commit this type of murder. But instead of being taught that they exist, what to look out for and when to discriminate (the second definition), we are taught that it is wrong to discriminate (the first definition).
Yes or no
Sociopaths cannot be identified by any readily apparent characteristics such as race, religion or gender. Every demographic group—men, women, rich, poor, all races, all faiths—includes some sociopaths. They can only be identified by behavior.
We need to know how to spot these evil people. The essence of discrimination, as in discernment, is learning when to say yes and when to say no. We must say “no” to sociopaths.
Tolerance is generally good for society. Sociopaths, however, do not deserve it.
Eyeswide shut,
What do you do with the memories? What do you do with the X number of years?
My primary P is my son, and he was the neatest kid in the world til he hit puberty. After that he turned into a P-monster. I am looking at haivng nothing but pain and hell on earth since about 1985. He has been in prison continually since he was 17 except for a few months he was out between episodes of felonies, his last one was murder.
I am NC with him, with my bright and shining star, my gifted, wonderful, charming, inventive, and socialable son…but I sort of feel like I lost that son to “death” when he was about 12 or 13. Prior to that he was wonderful, after that nothing but pain.
The MAN who animates the body is NOT my “son”not the son I loved and enjoyed, it is like my “son” is dead, the coffin lid closed, and he is buried. I have grieved over him for “lo, these many years.” But I have come to realize that the son I loved is GONE. He is NOT in this world.
I put away all the pictures of him after about 12 or 13, and as far as I am concerned, it is like after that time he is like the sci-fi movies where the evil alien takes over the body and does bad things, but the person that was “is no more.”
My husband died July of 04, and I miss the heck out of him,, but I have done with my grieving and now I can look back and enjoy all the wonderful times we had together. His photo is in my living room and I will always remember the night we took that photo. I don’t feel sad or bad when I look at it, and I don’t think about the tragedy of his death, it happened, but I dwell instead on the good things that we had before his death.
The same with my son I guess, I enjoy the memories of the funny things he said when he was a kid, his accomplishments and the great times we had. I’m not sad any more that he is also “dead” just like my husband is dead, it is just THE WAY THINGS ARE.
In a loving relationship I think that we are together because we love each other, not because we NEED each other, we need each other because we love each other. But each person in a healthy relationship should be able to go on if something happens to the other one. If I had been the one to die, I would have wanted my husband to go on with life and I knew he felt the same for me.
My son is “dead” and I am going to go on with my life. I can’t put him back to what he was before he “died” but I don’t have to spend the rest of my life trying to give the “corpse” CPR. I can’t help my son. I can’t implant a conscience into his soul, I cant remove the rage and malice. I can only go on with life.
I have finally, after all these years, done that.
There are people who don’t understand how I could “give up on my son” and frankly, it is because those people never were the victim of a P in any intimate relationship and they do not grasp the fact that there are some people who are EVIL.
For what it is worth, the way I handle it is to keep the good memories of the good times, and let the rest go. I’m not sure that would work for everyone, but it seems to be working for me.
holywatersalt your post interests me. Your opinion that I am possessed by the devil is almost laughable. I am no more possessed by the devil then you are. I may be a sociopath and I may do bad things, some people call evil but I am far from being possessed by the devil. I can prove it when I gargle holy water, juggle three cross while balancing on one leg on top of a statue of the virgin marry. Don’t worry, I won’t catch on fire. I don’t feel any burning sensation while I walk through the church yard on my walk home every day. My head does not spin all the way around while I vomit green bile.
It is funny how in a society where we practice equal rights people can still get away with promoting discrimination. At the core of it every sociopath has something like a mental disorder (I’ll explain what it actually is as you read on). We are just the same as a schizophrenic in the way that we can not help our selfs. In the short run it appears we have some amount of control and cunning. We appear to have power and we look like we know what we are doing. We look like normal people doing bad things. If you actually take the time to understand what really motivates a sociopath you will begin to understand him. Over time you will see an uncontrollable trend to seek out power and at times this may indirectly involve hurting another human being. It is not the sociopaths fault that he does these things. He can no more help himself then the scorpion in the story of the scorpion and the frog. It is in his nature to do harm.
Does this give you the right to discriminate and shun the sociopath? No. We live in a society, thankfully where the weak are protected. Calling a sociopath weak may sound funny but as I have previously said a sociopath can not help himself. He needs power just as much as a diabetic needs their insulin. Unfortunately it is a bit more painful for others when a sociopath seeks out his medicine. It is more dangerous then insulin but he can not help that. He can not help the way he was born. Instead of lighting your torches and raising your pitchforks let people take time to understand sociopaths.
What I am saying is sociopaths can be productive members of society. After properly understanding them and using their natural tendencys to our advantage there is a place for them. There is a reason they exist. To address the religious arguments, God is the only one capable of creating life. Why would God create sociopaths if they were not for some purpose? Obviously he has a plan for the sociopath.
For the scientists. Why would sociopaths evolve? In the survival of the fittest the sociopath serves a purpose. You have to remember the human species evolved not only as an individual organism but a societal organism. Not long ago in evolutionary terms humans lived in small tribal groups. These groups averaged around 25 people. If you look at the numbers sociopaths occur on average as 4% of the population, or 1 in 25.
This incidence is not chance it developed to serve a purpose. If you look at the characteristic of the sociopath they are a natural leader. They may not be the most politically correct leader for modern times as as Mr. Spitzer has proven but remember human society has developed more rapidly then natural evolution can keep up with. What we value now in our advanced society was not necessarily what would help the group 10 million to 30 thousand years ago. The sociopath evolved to take power and control of the group and once power was relinquished by its members he would take care of the group even if it was only to benefit his own needs. He would do the dirty work without remorse or conscious. His efforts were needed for the groups best efforts but could not easily done by the average remorse feeling human. He would without remorse outcast plagued group members and get rid of the sick offspring that would not be productive group members. It wasn’t a nice thing to do but was best for the group. He would instinctively seek out weakness for the good of the group, for the good of himself.
I am not saying any of what a sociopath is meets any purpose today because it doesn’t. I am just saying the sociopath isn’t exactly an illness. It is just something that as a society we not longer need, as much. Almost like your gall bladder but in a societal sense. If you need proof of what I am saying. Look at how many corporate and national leaders have strong sociopathic traits. These traits put you in top jobs because these leaders do the work that “ethical leaders” will not do. They will chop down an ancient forest to make the company some money, to benefit the company. Something an “ethical leader” may not do.
With all that said I realize you have been affected negatively by a sociopath and can not see what real purpose anything he did to you served, like cheating on you with 10 other women, or lying to your face for years and years, or trying to give you aids. These individual acts didn’t serve a purpose (except to give him the power he desires). You can’t look at the acts of a sociopath up close. You need to step back to see the full picture. I am suggesting the traits that caused these acts to happen are beneficial when applied differently. In current society sociopaths have no way to constructively express themselves. They have no way to do what they biologically need to do so it often times comes out in negative ways.
They try to conform to the norm of society by seeking out a paired relationship. This doesn’t work for them because they didn’t evolve like the rest of the group. They evolved as the leaders to the group which entitled them to dominate all group members. This is why you may notice sociopaths are often times not discriminatory on sexual partners. They aren’t having sex for normal purposes. They are having sex to dominate. Often times this means dominating males as well as females. You can see male chimpanzees using sex to dominate other males. This doesn’t make them gay. Normal definitions of sexual preferences like heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual do not apply because the are not having sex to satisfy sexual needs. It is power needs.
We as a society have a right to find a productive place for sociopaths (jail isn’t an option) because of all they have done for us as a species. Without the sociopath to take out the trash we would most likely not be here. You would probably find the Neanderthals would have taken our place. Sociopaths gave our species the edge it needed to place us as the dominant species of the plant.
Cheers,
Mr. Green
I will not argue with a sociopath- I have a zero-tolerance policy. I will only say: You proved my point.
You profane God, the Blessed Virgin Mary and mock what it is absolutely going on with you. I note your play for pity and the grandiosity is stunning.
I pray for psychopaths and I will pray for you.
What you posted was just another confirmation, of what I know to depths of my soul…. I am sorry you are so afflicted.
I suggest you see an exorcist, just for fun- see what happens.
I have been greatly hurt and knocked low by a Sociopath as well, but I do see a point in what he is saying. I dont believe a Sociopath asks to be afflicted with all their tendencies. I do believe it is a mental and physical difference in the brain, such as other states of mind are.
My ex husband was ADD. It is a disfunction in the brain where basically like a train, all the cars are not connected to each other. There are pictures of brain activity showing actual physical misses occuring. He was forgetful, irritable, depressed, scatterbrained, and easily distracted, unfocused and I could go on and on. He hurt me at times with his forgetfulness, he drove me crazy at times with his scatterbrained ways.. but he was unable to control it. Medication only takes the edge off, but he will forever live as an adult with ADD.
I think of the Sociopath in much the same manner. Sure, there are times they make terrible choices and they could choose otherwise, but their whole thought process is different than normal. We hold them accountable to be and act as people with brains like ours, but they do not have that same thinking ability. They are often highly intelligent – but their measurement of human and social relations are unmatched to ours.
And for those here that are spiritual, I believe we can horribly dislike what they do, we can stay clear of them, we can warn or educate others, but we cannot hate. We can pity them in the way they do not live their lives in a manner that respects others. We can pray for them not in a hateful way but in a forgiving and educated way that hopefully would bring some sort of peace to oneself and also bring to them whatever God would do for their situation, I dont know, but God knows the whole picture.
As for Mr Green, I do find some appreciation in the fact that he seems to have some understanding of himself. He doesnt claim that it can be fixed but at least he has a sense of what he is all about. That’s more than most Sociopaths choose to do, some self analysis and admittance to the fact that there is a difference in themselves.
Findingmyeslf please read
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/02/update-more-on-how-brains-get-different.html
I hope the Dr. addresses this here- it is interesting and very controversial.
There’s a lot of pseuedo -science involved.
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/02/how-brains-get-different.html
That’s part one- she gets into the “brain differences.”
Peggy- I found a tshirt at Big Dogs that reads,”It’s better to have loved and lost than to spend the rest of your life with a psychopath.” It’s my “Sunday” shirt.. I like to wear it running errands so lots of people get to enjoy- I mean, see it!
Thank you holywatersalt for the links. Its point as I read it is
“What if this is true? What if the brain differences in psychopaths are just the tracks left behind of their own willfully twisted thinking?”
Their habits create their brain to become different.
Yes, the articles have a very valid point. I dont think its all black and white, thats for sure. We all know that eating and dieting for instance is a physical need mixed with a habitual want. We can choose to act from “need” or “want”.
As for my S, and his want for women ~ I hoped he would have little empathy for what he was doing to me by cheating, whether it comes from brain malfunction or pure wants. It felt to me that he could have chosen not to cheat – in order to protect what we had together. But maybe his brain doesnt know how to care enough. I dont think there is any explaination – thats why its psychopathic, sociopathic… mentally ill .. I dont know.
Finding myselfagian,
I am somewhat ADHD, and my “good” son (non-P) son is ADHD, moreso than I am, and that too is hereditary.
However, when I raised my son, I did not put him on drugs, I investigated the drugs, side effects, etc. and I modified his environment so that he was successful in school (private and home schooling combo) He has finished college and works and has success in his chosen field.
I did not allow him to use his ADHD as a “crutch” and say “what can you expect out of me, I have a problem” I expected him to act in a civil and socially acceptible manner even though he was VERY distractable. It wasn’t as if he didn’t have any control over his behavior. He had to exercise MORE self control than most kids, but he was able to do so. Just as I was when I was growing up.
I have worked with the parents of ADHD kids who would call my office frantic because little Johnny threw a chair at the teacher and they wanted me to write an excuse to the school that this was okay because “what can you expect, he has ADHD?” I would tell them the same thing I told my son, that his behavior would be socially acceptible and that he would not be violent.
Some parents want a “pill” that will make little Johnny behave and unfortunately, it also takes parental involvement with children with special needs, of any kind.
With proper parental support children with terrible disabilities mental, emotional, and physical can become happy, productive and well adjusted adults.
I realize there are some “chemical” differences in the brains that requires medication. I take antidepressant medication myself and don’t function well without it. Haven’t since my husband was killed in July 2004. I may have to take it the rest of my life, but I also work very hard at taking care of myself in other ways as well as the “pill”–medication alone is not the answer for me, and wasn’t for my ADHD son.
My son does not take medication to this day for his ADHD and I still see some “signs” of it from time to time, but his career requires very strict attention to detail and somehow he manages to do someting that I would never have beleived possible for ANY ADHD kid to concentrate to that extent. He loves it and is good at his job.
In my opinion, Ps KNOW the difference of right and wrong, but they just don’t CARE. Yes, their brain chemicals and pathways are “different” and so are mhy ADHD son’s, but even with that difference, they still have the ability to CHOOSE how they behave.
Just as I obey laws that I may not agree with, or even think are “wrong”—just as I choose to pay my taxes because I fear the IRS’s power, I choose to do these things even though I don’t want to. I belive that the Ps also have the power to choose their behavior, I think they choose to dowhat they do because it “feels good” just as an addict gets a fix even though he knows there will be penalties tomorrow. He just doesn’t CARE, he is in for the NOW fix, and worry about tomorrow when it comes.
My ADHD son has impulse control because I taught him impulse control. He manages his finances well, shows up early for work every day and lives a responsible life. My P son who has really little problem with impulse control—he is able to control his impulses, but he conives and plots and plans and schemes and takes what he wants when he wants it, not “impulsively” but DELIBERATELY. He doesn’t do things impulsively. If he wanted to rob a liquor store and had no control over his impulses if he drove up and there were cops there he would rob it anyway, but because he CAN control his impulses he would drive on by and pick another place to rob.
He was taught, just like my ADHD son, to delay gratification, to control impulsive behavior by examining what the results of that behavior would be. Both were taught right from wrong. One chose one path, another chose another. Both had genetic disabilities (don’t we all!) but one became a criminal and murderer and the other became a kind and caring man, if a bit hyperactive.
I am an animal trainer and I have seen the range of “emotions” and “attitudes” in various breeds of dogs and other animals. Some are more aggressive than others, but in many (not all) cases the domestic breed of animal can be socialized to be reasonably safe no matter what breed it is.
I think in many cases it is the same way with Ps, I think just like the alcoholic who has the gene for alcoholism, he CAN choose not to drink, and the psychoplath could choose not to abuse–but it is just too much fun for them, and hang the consequences, they are someone else’s fault.
I know I don’t have all the answers to “why” my son is what he is, and I don’t think that I am “at fault” because he didn’t have every chance that a caring parent can give a child. The biggest thing I think Idid wrong was to not walk out of the police station when he was 17 and leave him there.
My husband and I went to get him when we had turned him in for robbing our friend’s business and shutting them down completely. When the officer brought him in, he looked at us and said, “What the FV
The zero tolerance policy is good in the real world but I can’t do anything to you on here can I?
“You profane God, the Blessed Virgin Mary and mock what it is absolutely going on with you. I note your play for pity and the grandiosity is stunning.”
I think if anybody has a right to mock me it would be myself. I’m do enjoy pity but I’m not looking for any of that here. As for the virgin mary, if she doesn’t have a sense of humor about herself then god help us all. There is nothing more hilarious then getting knocked up without the sex. You cut out the best part!
“I pray for psychopaths and I will pray for you.”
Please don’t pray for me, that would imply I’ve got a problem. I’d rather you prey on me. At least I’d understand you.
“I suggest you see an exorcist, just for fun- see what happens.”
I Know what would happen if we… sorry… I saw an exorcist. We would have a little chat, sit down to a cup-o tea and talk about the good ol’ days.