“Discrimination” has come to be a dirty word. It brings to mind unfair treatment of individuals because of race, religion, gender, national origin, physical disability, sexual orientation or some other broad categorization. People have been killed, beaten, denied jobs, denied housing, prosecuted, persecuted and denigrated because of some demographic category to which they belonged.
All of this applies to one meaning of the word “discrimination.” But there is another meaning that is vitally important when it comes to sociopaths. Here are the two meanings according to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language:
-
Discrimination
- Treatment or consideration based on class or category rather than individual merit.
- The ability or power to see or make fine distinctions; discernment.
Created equal
So far, we’ve been talking about the first meaning. In the United States, there’s always been a moral tradition against this type of discrimination. In church, we’re taught that “we’re all God’s children.” In school, we learned that “all men are created equal.”
For generations, though, the words were one thing, but practice was another. So laws were passed to prohibit discriminative behavior and to encourage redress of the violations of the past. This is generally good. Yes, some people take advantage of these laws, but the intention—a level playing field for all—is admirable and right.
I remember when this effort was just getting underway. I was a teenager when the feminist and black power movements began in the United States. When I was in junior high school, a question raging among my classmates was, “Do you believe in women’s lib?” In college, I was once asked, “Do you believe in black quarterbacks?”
Now, the questions seem so quaint that it’s hard to imagine they were seriously posed. Today’s young people don’t even seem to need the concepts of “political correctness” or “diversity awareness.” They appear to be inclusive of all groups of people. This is terrific.
But there is a downside to all this inclusiveness.
Non-judgmental
It seems that in our efforts to be non-judgmental about groups of people, we also hesitate to be judgmental about individuals.
Based on what Lovefraud readers have said in telling your stories, it seems that most of us are moral, caring, considerate people who want to live productive lives and help our neighbors along the way. We are inclined to realize that people have problems and give others the benefit of the doubt. We want to believe that everyone has good within them.
When we run into a sociopath, this mindset can be disastrous. It leads us to keep lending assistance, keep believing the apologies and the promises to change, far longer than we should.
Where sociopaths are concerned, we must discriminate, in the second sense of the word. We must develop “the ability or power to see or make fine distinctions.” We need to know the signs of a sociopath, and when we see them, get the person quickly out of our lives.
Evil people
The problem is, until we’ve tangled with a sociopath—and probably had our lives close to ruined because of one—we don’t even know that we need to discriminate, let alone how to do it.
I’ve written before that sociopaths are evil. People take issue with this terminology—it seems to have religious implications, or at the very least, convey a message of intolerance.
In The People of the Lie, M. Scott Peck, M.D., defines evil as “that which seeks to kill life or liveliness.” Evil, he says, has to do with murder—which can be either physical murder, or murder of the spirit.
This is what sociopaths do. If they don’t physically kill us, they suck out our emotions, energy and resources, until we have nothing left, not even our sense of self. They murder our spirits.
There are millions of sociopaths living among us, ready to commit this type of murder. But instead of being taught that they exist, what to look out for and when to discriminate (the second definition), we are taught that it is wrong to discriminate (the first definition).
Yes or no
Sociopaths cannot be identified by any readily apparent characteristics such as race, religion or gender. Every demographic group—men, women, rich, poor, all races, all faiths—includes some sociopaths. They can only be identified by behavior.
We need to know how to spot these evil people. The essence of discrimination, as in discernment, is learning when to say yes and when to say no. We must say “no” to sociopaths.
Tolerance is generally good for society. Sociopaths, however, do not deserve it.
EMJ170ORD:
I commend your courage, your commitment to a happy life, and your positivism! I love your statement, “Foregiveness heals the heart – Time heals the scar.”
“Life would be a lot easier if I could just be myself.”
But, Mr. Green – you just spent a great deal of time and effort telling all of this forum that you are yourself. Now you say life would be easier if you could just be yourself. Aren’t you hardwired, biology, so forth and so on, no more or less yourself than anyone else?
Am not attempting to poke the bear through the bars. Am just wondering why the contradiction.
Maybe did you mean “life would be a lot easier if you could like or love yourself? Because self-loathing is at the core of N’s and S’paths. It’s what creates the false self in the first place, and it stems from very early malfunctioning of some sort.
Some schools of thought believe the S/P/N doesn’t really know his true “self” at all. That’s how long he/she has been living under the guise of a false self. But I tend not to believe that; mine knew he was a lying phony whose character and ethics shifted with whatever company he kept at any given time. He also knew he enjoyed mind games and viewed everything as win or lose…at others’ expense, it was all win or lose.
I think they’re plain old evil. Mundane, banal…evil.
Mr Green, your point of view fascinates me, you are obviously a very intelligent man, and your contribution to the subject is an insight, however do you see yourself as the preditor or the victim, if there was help at hand would you accept it. I think the problem is that the majority people contributing to this site are without doubt victims trying to prepare themselves for the future and avoid falling into the trap again. The damage that our experiences has done to us has made us mistrusting, not only of external influences but also makes us doubt oursleves. I guess I am fortunate the person I got involved with has not left me financially inadequate but not being a particulary materialistic person that is cold comfort. I guess in a nutshell I can pay back whatever he has given me materially, but he can never pay back what I have allowed him to take from me emotionally, and why would he, lack of conscience is one of the symptoms . Could it be that his dangerous manipulation has created a different person in me, would he be wary if he thought of me of challenging, does he really feel that powerful, he finally realises that he has been exposed, what emotion could this stir, but he must also realise that I am not without power myself, he may be a man of intelligence and wealth but he obviously isn’t that bright, however I also now realise that he feeds on meals which feed his ego, unfortunately age catches up with us and he won’t be able to continue forever. Yes I am concerned for him because loneliness is not something I would wish on anyone, this is all like a snake biting its own tail although I am confused as to who the snake is? I am asking you these questions to get answers from a self confessed sociopath. You are learning something, educate us further, what is that you feel and … why?
LilOrphan I like your attempts to trip me up reminds me a bit of what I would do. I don’t recall telling anybody that I act like myself. In actuality I spend a great deal of time just preventing myself from doing or saying the things i would like to. I certainly do not act anything like my true self, not that anybody does but if you knew me you would be surprised at how different I am on the inside from my outside appearance.
I think human hardwiring is often times decided against in choice of the more acceptable alternative. Animals can not choose to do anything different then what is in their nature but humans have the ability to make a choice. Impulse control in sociopaths is a great deal more difficult then your average person. We find it more difficult to go against our hardwiring and to do pro-social activities. It has been with great difficulty for me to avoid run ins with the law but so far I’ve made it. Sociopaths also have a great deal more impulses to do bad things then the average person so to go against all of these things is very unnatural for a sociopath.
“Maybe did you mean “life would be a lot easier if you could like or love yourself? Because self-loathing is at the core of N’s and S’paths. It’s what creates the false self in the first place, and it stems from very early malfunctioning of some sort.”
But I do like myself! In fact I think the only one I am capable of loving is myself! If you are referring to the mask I have created when you speak about my false sense of self it is not because of self-loathing. I create this mask as protection of myself some of it consciously, some of it not. I learned a long time ago that you get more flies with honey then you do with vinegar. I use to be pure vinegar and it just wasn’t working. I had to sweeten myself up.
I agree with you when you suggest I do not know my true self. I have covered it up for so long that I don’t know what I would do if I lost my mask suddenly. I know I am a lying phony but that lying is the false self. We lie to cover up our true self and true actions and motivations.
v.abraded I am a predator and a victim. Yes, it is just like a sociopath to give you an answer that doesn’t make any sense but let me explain. I have predatory urges and desires. I require power and control. I did not choose this predatory life though, I have no more ability to escape then a wolf. I can rationalize it and explain. I can look at myself from an outside perspective. You may reason that if I have the ability to look at myself from this perspective I should be able to control it. I can’t. I know the things I do are wrong but I really can’t help but do them. I do take the time to understand myself. That is much more then most sociopaths. This gives me some amount of control but I must always stay self aware and conscious of my actions. This is difficult because we are creatures of impulse.
I am the victim because I realize it would be easier to be a regular human or easier to be myself. Neither of these options are possible for me so I am forced to live my life differently then my nature tells me I should live. You may say that is just tough shit but nobody is denied their nature to the extent that I am. Most people have the ability to get married and live their lives for the most part how they want. They are not stopped from fulfill their lives dreams. Even homosexuals can get married in certain parts of the country. I don’t want what everybody else wants and I am denied the ability to meet my wants.
If their was help at hand would I accept it? I have been offered help. I have accepted some help but not for the same reasons that you may want me to get help for. I realize that it is in my best interest to live within the confines of the law. I can still get what I want without breaking the law or even screwing women like you over. Screwing over women has never been the thing that has done it for me anyway. I can never grow a conscience or empathy but in todays world you don’t need that. You just have to fake it well enough.
My feelings are actually very privative I will admit. I didn’t like that explanation when I was first told it but I think it is accurate. When compared to another human you could consider my emotions to be defective but I don’t like to think of myself as comparable to a regular human. I am different. I like to think of myself as a subspecies or subcaste of human even if it is technically not proven. On the outside I look human but I am motivated differently then other humans on the inside. Love and empathy are not part of my equation. When those are taken away you will find that any action is performed for a selfish reason. Power and control become the motivating factors and they grow to fill up and take the place that love and empathy normally fill.
I’ll let everybody in on a secret. I had a negative encounter with a fellow sociopath in the past just like everybody here has. My best friend was a sociopath but unfortunately neither one of us payed close enough attention to the other to realize the underlying sociopath in each of us. We got along greatly because when you pair up two fake people there is no conflict. We used each other and we both knew it but we were still both attempting to get the upper hand. It was a constant struggle of charm and false emotion. We both played our best sympathy games and all the regular stuff but we failed to realize it wouldn’t work on each other. After a while I gained the upper hand and then then left the game on top. It has been a year since our “friendship” ended and we can clearly see who we both are from a distance now but we can’t team up under the truth. We have taken up different camps in opposing social groups and it wouldn’t be in our best interest to pair up.
So if you think I don’t know what it is like to be on the other end of a sociopaths game you are incorrect. Although I didn’t feel the hurt of the incident I have observed what a sociopath does as a victim.
cheers
Mr Green your comments are interesting, you really think that you succeed in ‘screwing women’ over like us, infact you haven’t the women on this site have recognised sociopathic traits, although I admit to our detriment, in turn it has made us stronger human beings. Your run in with your fellow sociopath you say he was a sociopath how did you know or was it just supposition.. did they change/ You say you got the upper hand are you sure?
I’m sorry but I don’t succeed in screwing any women over. That just isn’t my thing. I don’t get anything from it. I am faithful to my women. I have other things to get my kicks from. I may lie about my true nature but that is required to live in this society.
I recognize the traits of myself in him. He has a hollow glare and a smile that is perfectly practice, like mine. His charm is sickening. He is good at pitting people against each other by indirect manipulation. The evidence against him is tremendous. I actually outed him to some of my friends and helped them see how dangerous he was. Kind of ironic isn’t it? It’s funny because I actually used this site to help them along with their understanding. I gave them a point by point example of how he directly fits the profile of a sociopath. Once spoon feed all the facts they realized who he was. And I looked like the good guy.
I am confident in my mask that they would not recognize his traits in me. I am less obvious I think. I am actually shocked that I did not recognize him in the first place but when he found me I was at a point where I looked weak to him and I was at a very low power point in my life. I must have played the victim really well at that point because he didn’t recognize me either. It took a while to get myself back to normal because he held me under but when I was able to come up for air I was back in full swing and he became very obvious. That’s when I pulled the switch on him and sent him through hell and back for taking advantage of me.
I don’t recommend fighting back against a sociopath unless you are capable of playing the same games as him and I’m sure you can’t because you are not a sociopath. I wrecked his life pretty good for a while to teach him a lesson. I don’t know if a sociopath can get depressed but I would say I put him close to it. I also took his job after it was all done. I’m now in the process of having him run out of town just for fun. I think I have found a very productive means of getting my kicks. It’s much more fun to hunt bigger and badder prey.
cheers,
Hahaha That’s great! If only sociopaths would only prey on each other the world would be a much better place!
First, Mr. Green , I’m not trying to “trip you up.” I was referencing your earlier post, where you said: “It is not the sociopaths fault that he does these things. He can no more help himself then the scorpion in the story of the scorpion and the frog. It is in his nature to do harm ”
So, you were saying that you are a sociopath and your nature is to do harm and it is not your fault when you do harm, because you are “acting on your nature.”
Is that not the essence of a person “being himself” – without fear of reprisal, consequence, concern for ethics or others’ emotions, and without empathy?
The acts you describe against the other you labeled a sociopath are, as you said, sociopathic. They are the true self, in your case, and you acted upon them. You were being yourself – whether society liked it or not.
What is the “false mask” you wear, if not one that covers those deceptive, hurtful practices and power desires from the rest of the world? And when you act upon them, are you not then “being yourself?”
It helps to have a better understanding of what motivates S’paths. Many of us are magnets for them; it took some of us YEARS to realize that the person we loved was so damaged and disordered and it’s taking some of us years to get over that love we felt.
Sometimes information helps expedite that process.
Besides, the “partners” of S and P types are usually the flip side of the coin: overly worried about others feelings. Overly cautious against hurting others. Overly kind. Talking with an Spath honestly about their thoughts is like learning about an entirely different species, to some of us.
Do any of you remember the old riddle about meeting the two men. One always told t he truth and one always told lies?
Of course if you asked either of them if they were the liar the truthful man would say no, and the liar would also say no. So you had to figure out how to tell which was which?
The thing is that to me talking to a sociopath and asking him any question, about why you do what you do, what do you think, etc. is to believe that even if they could tell you the truth that they would lie.
How can you get an “honest” answer from someone who has no reason to tell you the truth? How can you know what someone things when every thing about what makes them what they are goes against the grain of giving you the truth?
I can remember wanting so bad to know why my Ps did what they did, but I realized eventually that they could not would not ever be honest with me. I’m not sure that they could or would be honest with themselves.
I think maybe it is like asking someone what it feels like to “be blonde” or “be burnette”—I don’t know what it “feels like” because I’ve always been a blonde or whatever. I don’t know how it feels NOT to be what I am. How does a blonde feel different from a brunette? Do they feel different inside?
I can’t tell you how it feels to have a conscience becsause I’ve always had one, I don’t know how it feels not to have one. I can’t compare the two, because I’ve only been one kind.
I can observe how people without a conscience behave, but I can’t know how they feel or why they feel the way they do. I can observe how my dog acts, but not how he thinks or feels about himself, if he even is aware of himself.
I personally think that trying to get a straight and/or understandable answer from a psychopath (admitted or not) is a lost cause…to me like trying to find out which of the two men is the one that always lies and which is the o ne that always tells the truth.
“The acts you describe against the other you labeled a sociopath are, as you said, sociopathic. They are the true self, in your case, and you acted upon them. You were being yourself – whether society liked it or not.”
I think I understand where I have you confused. Yes I was being sociopathic and being my self momentarily. You are correct in that these actions are who I am. I think where I have you confused is the appreciation of how much more I could be me. If I would take off my mask. I would avoid life’s pleasantries that you people with a conscience like. I wouldn’t smile I wouldn’t be nice. I wouldn’t perform any of these social lies that I use to get from point to point. There would be no please and thank-yous. There would be no “How are you today? Fine? Oh thats Nice. Have a nice day” None of that bullshit. I would become absolutely brutal. If somebody got in my way I would move them. None of this cellphone shit in restaurants. The cell user would find it firmly lodged up their anal cavity. I’d take what I want, when I want. I am avoiding anything criminal in this description but be assured I would have no regard for the law. Since that doesn’t work in this society I am actually quite a pleasant person to meet. You’d like me. I’m quite helpful. I’d hold the door open for you and everything.
The false mask that I wear is the image of anormal and pleasant person. I do the things people like. I am a gentleman. Have you ever been stuck at a stop sign and the traffic just wouldn’t let you out? I’m the guy who stops and waves you out with a smile and a nod. I’m the guy who helps you pick up your change if you drop it at the checkout, and I won’t keep any of it. At the grocery store if I’m in front of you with a lot of things and you only have a couple items I’ll let you go ahead of me in line. That is the false mask I’m talking about. I could give a shit about being nice but I know it gets me through life with ease and allows me to do what I want in private without people calling me a monster.
There is a special type of woman out there that does scream victim to a sociopath. I’m not trying to be rude or put you down, I could do that in a less direct means if I wanted. It is difficult to cover up that beacon you carry everywhere you go. I can’t tell you exactly why I am attracted to this type of women but I consistently find myself with them. Even putting up a false strong front is a beacon that I can see through. These false strong fronts are actually even bigger indications of the right type of women. It says I have been affected in the past and I’m vulnerable. I don’t know if sociopaths consciously seek out this type of women, I just think it is a natural subconscious attraction. A wolf likes to eat meat, vegetables don’t do anything for it. To me most other women are broccoli but there are a few women who are filet mignon, best of the best. I guess it is a compliment sort of.
Just because sociopaths are attracted to a special type of women and a lot of them abuse and use them does not mean I do that to my women. I don’t get my kicks that way, too easy. I treat my girlfriend like a princess. Having her makes me look good and I reward her for the privilege of being with her. She makes me look normal. Don’t feel bad for her she doesn’t know what I am. Ignorance is bliss. She likes what she’s found and I like what I’ve found. I plan on keeping her. She has found the love of her life and as far as she is concerned so have I.
You wouldn’t have had your problem if you had found me first, but unfortunately I’m taken. You would hardly know the word sociopath except for the bad guys in movies. It is a pitty they all can’t be as aware as I am. I’m sure most of them don’t even realize they are a sociopath. They just think they are different.
I’m not trying to ruffle feathers but I do feel a bit like a fox in the hen house. Ignore my narcissism and see through it for my real advice.
Cheers,