By | April 29, 2015 18 Comments

Do you speak psychopath? navigating and exposing disordered communication

Anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of disordered communication knows that it can produce an array of madness and negativity. That’s the point, after all. But, the more experience we have with it, the more we learn that it is all the same. The players may change, but the messages remain identical. Identifying the fact that the correspondence is, in fact, disordered is the first step to handling it positively. The next is to learn to read between the lines of the written word vomit to understand the actual meaning. When we can, it’s liberating.

Individuals high in psychopathic traits want no one to be happy. They are easily set off by the most minor of circumstances. They torture their own children, or anyone they view as a potential threat, to facilitate their agendas. They shoot blindly in the dark, hoping to hit upon something that may have an ounce of truth.

Typically, however, there is little. They are merely sick sadists who are wildly dangerous. When they are aware of the fact that another knows and understands how sick and twisted they truly are, they try harder than normal to discredit. Verbal (written) abuse is often one of their tools.

Fearing exposure, there is nothing more dangerous to their charade than someone who knows what they are. Therefore, they try to get us before we get them. To clarify, our “getting them,” usually simply means their irrelevance in our lives. They cannot stand no longer taking center stage.

When we are on the receiving end of this insanity, it can be maddening. However, once we understand how to actually “read” what it is they mean, it is they who look pathetic. Rampant projection and lies abound. Once we understand, we’re armed.

The below e-mail chain chronicles the narcissistic rage of an individual high in traits, likely after learning of her child’s positive interaction with the intended target. She fears the loss of control she is experiencing with her ex-husband and similarly senses that her children do not have disdain for the new individual in their father’s life.

She likely feels that the most productive way to drive a wedge between the pair and the blending families is to cast doubt in the mind of her ex-husband’s new partner, with fear, threats, and belittling. She also tries to let the new partner know that she is truly nothing special.

Further, she goes on to say that her biological children hate the new partner. However, since there is nothing, in fact, to indicate that is true, all involved know better. As I have written in previous articles, everything they do and say is the opposite of reality. Their projection is the direct result of their own insecurities and shortcomings.

Background knowledge

The sender of this chain left her family years ago, moving out of state, to be with another man, while legally still married. To say she behaved “typically” is very accurate. Naturally, while this was her choice, she frequently back peddles, placing blame on everyone else present as to why she had to leave. A typical blame game. She plays the role of victim, telling everyone that the receiver of this e-mail chain was once her “best friend.” A smoke screen she created, as many thought they were immensely closer than they truly were. However, she was sloppy. Too many people saw her shenanigans on social media and too many were her victims. For most, to know her was to know something wasn’t quite right.

I have made no corrections to the e-mail. They appear in their original form to help illustrate the rage and impulsivity that is often present in disordered correspondence. The names have been changed to protect identity, however.

The communication was initiated under the guise of purchasing a confirmation gift. However, the real connection was established in hopes of obtaining a dose of narcissistic supply, and out of rage over the new family’s strengthening relationships. The communications begin with a negative tone and grow to show her shear hatred and jealousy.

The first e-mail of the chain

You don’t need to scary this but it would help me out a great deal if you did.

I was informed that he bought you a beautiful diamonds in rhythm necklace. If it’s the one I think it is, it’s very beautiful. He too must think so because he bought me the same one for my bday 2 years ago.

The reason I ask, well I was planning on buying one for X’s confirmation. You know, a “mother/daughter” type thing, like our matching Pandora’s and a lot of other jewelry her father has bought the two of us over the years. Well, it would be odd if I bought her one like her father bought me, and then now his “girlfriend” has one also? So, if what I’m being told is correct, I’d like to get her something else, which REALLY puts a damper on things.

I’m also assuming you’ll be at the service? Again, it will be odd and quite uncomfortable with you being there, but such is life.

So if you’d be so kind to get back to me asap about pendant, I’d greatly it. If you would rather not, I understand but I’d hate to put X under such a uncomfortable situation as much as possible.


The response

He is something different to each of us. I think your gift idea for X sounds very nice and nothing should dampen that regardless of what any of us have or have not been given in the past.

E-mail three…aka..scathing lunacy

Not true, and frankly, he shouldn’t be ANYTHING to you.

When he first bought me that gift, X was very “anamored” by it. I knew then that I will get her one for her confirmation. How do you think she’ll feel knowing his “girlfriend” was given the same thing. A gift he lovingly bought me and he knew I too was going to do the same for X???

I’m not surprised by your answer. You know there are times I pity you and feel sorry for you. Also times when I’m floored and utterly amazed at how you do the things you do.

I guess I just don’t have it in me to do or be the “person” you are. I mean how do you do it? You walk into my old house. The house HE and I built, you know it well. You were in it MANY times as MY FRIEND!!! The house I decorated. I picked the colors that are on the walls, the decorations, the furniture that are in the rooms, the couch you sit on now. The dinner table you eat at now. The one you’ve sat at NUMEROUS times as MY FRIEND that you now sit as my ex husbands “girlfriend”? Everything you see in that house is a part of me.

And it doesn’t stop inside the house either. When you walk up to my old house, you see the landscaping I chose, right down to the flowers, the patio furniture and the pool. Even the type/color of mulch. You know, the landscaping Ingrid’s boyfriends father is/may spruce up. I chose all of that. Even the tulips that bloom there were planted in honor of MY father. Heck, the garage has traces of me in it.

Let’s not forget about the bedrooms. The bed I choose, the one my then husband and I had sex on!! Sure change the sheets but my “presence” is still there. The bathroom where I would lay naked in the tub, he’d bring me wine and sit on the edge and watch me “clean” and then we’d finish in that same bed. That same room and many other rooms too. Even a few couches. Lucky for you, I guess, that didn’t happen much for as I’m sure youtee probably aware of now, know he’s not much in that area nor does he have the appropriate “tools” to perform. Deny it all you want or tell me you guys are OK in that area, he’s fantastic, sex isn’t the only thing in a relationship, blah blah blah. We both know better. Oh but wait, didn’t your last relationship end adruptly after a year greatly in part due to a lack of “connection” in that area? Oh and his first wife did cheat on him because well, for being rather tall with big shoes…. We know that’s a myth.

And now, every time you put on that necklace, see a glimpse of it in the mirror, have someone comment about it, you will know he didn’t even have the courtesy, the ability to think outside the box, of getting you something different. Or maybe it’s because he saw the sheer joy it brought me back then, he figured he couldn’t lose and try it again. Hmmmm….. Being the generous man he is, which I’m sure you’re a recipient of and enjoying it quite nicely, he’ll buy you more gifts such as that pendant. I don’t know about you, but knowing what you do now, I’d wonder every single time he bought me something, if he did the same for his ex. The EXACT same. Guess I’m lucky in that area regards to my relationship now. I didn’t know his ex as WELL as you did. I wasn’t a dear friend of hers. I didn’t go there for social visits. Didn’t take her kids on vacation. Babysit them before school. Had over for bday celebrations. Nor did I sit at her dining room table and cry my eyes out and tell her I was leaving my husband. Wondering now if you had it on your mind then to “seek” out his friendship.

But then again, you and he have shown that neither of you have any class, no consideration for other people’s feelings besides your own greedy needs. Just like you being at the confirmation. Naturally, she doesn’t want you there. She’ll tell or has told her father it’s OK, but she did so because she doesn’t want him upset. Smart girl, she’s seen what he’s like when he is.

She wanted nothing but for just one night, her father and I to be able to put aside our hatred for each other and be there for her, as HER family. No significant others from I and no “you”. Just her dad, her mother and her brother. I brought it up to him but no, he’s too stubborn and playing the damn victim routine, one you too are very good at playing, and can’t take a few hours of his time for OUR daughter. Sad. His loss. She’ll remember this and will one day resent him for it. Just like she’ll end up resenting him for putting her in the middle. His NEED to tell the kids EVERYTHING, the so called lies he’s told them I ‘ve told, the things I’ve done, the evil things he says about me, will eventually come back to hurt him. You know, karma.

Hmm……speaking of karma, you can’t seem to understand why what you and he are doing is wrong. Maybe I’ll ask (insert name of receiver’s ex husband) to come with me to the confirmation. Maybe we should start talking more and not care what others think, especially our children. What’s good for the goose, right?

Well I’m done with this conversation. I’ll find something else to buy X since her dad and you, have yet again, messed something up for MY daughter. You enjoy that pretty bauble, I still wear and enjoy mine daily, and all the other ones I’m sure you’ll receive. Hmmmm…… Kinda makes you a kept woman now doesn’t it. Then again, nothing new. Everyone knows you’re only after his “money” and the comfortable lifestyle you’ll get by being with him.

Please do not contact me in this manner again.

Final e-mail in chain

Bwahahaha. Hit a nerve?? Good. Enjoy your “life” of comfort. You’re used to having men pay your way. He’s nothing new. Everyone sees it and laughs. It is quite amusing.

Now I’ll suppose you’ll keep going at it to prove me wrong. Lol. Whatever. Oh and make sure you tell good ole’ Johnny boy I said “hi” when you go crying on his shoulder about my mean and nasty email. Poor poor Jane. Ring a bell??

Just remember everything you say to him gets back to MY kids and he spews nothing but hatred and venom about me. They’ll eventually see you’re the cause of that. They’ll resent you EVEN more then they do now.

Lol. Good luck.
What’s the meaning of all of this?

In short, sticks and stones, with the exception of the legitimate threat. More in-depth, as previously stated, the sender was irritated over an un-named but likely specific event or simply the fact that she is no longer in control of her ex-husband’s life. The true meaning of the communication had nothing to do with the potential confirmation gift. In fact, much of what was written makes little sense and next to none of it is true.

She was letting the receiver know that her new man was not a prize and that she was one of many. Her gift was unimportant, as it was a mere duplicate.

Further, she was letting the new woman know that she is well aware of the specifics that go on in her life. Stalking behavior. She is also informing the new girl that her presence is not wanted. All of which are lies. If she could make her upset and have her believe that the world is laughing at her, maybe the new girl would leave. In reality, only one person was being laughed at.

When she received a sterile response, she became enraged. Her supply had been not fulfilled. Now, it was time to dive further into attack mode, indicating her ex-husband’s “inadequacies.” What better way to “castrate” a male? Just prior, however, she had spoken of many of the places they had had sex. So, which is it? Is he inadequate or one of the most romantic men out there, catering to her with wine in the bath tub and “finishing” on the bed?

She also wants to remind the new woman that in spite of her absence, which she had to choose because she was busy stealing her husband from her, the house is hers. She will say things in an effort to cast doubt in the mind of the new person and in each and every spot in the room. But the new girl knows how to read between the lines and understands this is pathetic fear, as she knows she has something she can never attain – the ability to feel. She also senses possible regret. Her life is no longer what it once was. The sender repeatedly, in past chains that are not shown, mentions how fortunate she is with her new interest, but the new woman understands that there is no paradise in that situation. How could there be?

Eventually, she threatens the new woman with her ex-husband. She threatens to invite him to the very church where the confirmation will take place. An act of pure vengeance, as the new girl has a litigious ex, who she had a restraining order against and who has been court ordered no contact with their children. This would clearly place that family in harm’s way, which could rise to the level of potentially criminal behavior on her part.

Not to mention, what about her daughter’s confirmation? This is a clear display of the circus she would like to turn a very sacred event into at her own child’s expense. The sender also admits having hatred for the other parent, something the other parent does not display toward her. However, she has become irrelevant and senses that loss of control.

She sadly and incorrectly believes that if she screams loudly enough, she can convince the new woman that she is ever present, the new girl is hated by those she wants acceptance from the most, that she is still important to her ex, and that the new woman is with a man who is not worthy of being called a man. However, in each of these situations, the exact opposite is true.

Further, she is alienating her children, but pointing the finger in the opposite direction, illogically blame shifting and attempting to create an alternate reality (where the lies take on lives of their own) and shifting the focus off of the topic and creating an entirely new conversation. Yep…straight from the playbook of abnormal behavior. “Me, me, me, me, me, my, my my”…like a tantruming three year old.

What comes next?

The possibilities are endless. Perhaps silence. Or, perhaps a more vigorous campaign, smearing the new woman about how she thinks she’s a “psychologist” or how she’s the crazy, pathetic one. She may again play the role of victim and address the recipient as to how anyone could “do this” to her by sharing, it was a private matter, etc. Bottom line is this; the target did nothing other than exist. She should have kept the poison out of New Girl’s inbox, because from there it became fair game.

Perhaps she will contact the new girl’s ex, as threatened. They’d both be fools. Maybe, not having gotten the satisfaction she wanted, she will move on to another source, like her own ex-husband, her children, her current partner, or someone different all together. There are marked shifts that occur in who she tests for supply.

To know this personality is to know how predictable they are. We may not know the exact date and time, but we know how inevitable more intermittent babble is, mixed with utter hatred and the “please’s” and “thank you’s.” None of it is real and it is all in the name of maintaining imbalance.

Regardless, for this particular new woman, it’s all old news… Nothing that hasn’t been expressed before by the other individual high in sociopathic features she’s encountered. They’re all the same everywhere, by those any of us have encountered! The new girl has experience. The new girl hopes this helps others understand, heal, learn, and move forward with grace and confidence….

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Thank you for this. It should be helpful to those wondering if someone in their life is a sociopath. There are words and phrases in that exchange that could have come straight from the mouth of the sociopath in my life. The tone and odd phrasing is the same.

To the undecided out there: If you recognize someone you know in the flavor of the emails above, YES, that person is probably a sociopath. They are toxic and you need to get them out of your life.

Linda – thank you so much for your observations. In addition to everything you pointed out, the disordered person appeared to be going for maximum emotional impact. That’s why it’s so important to understand their agenda – it helps us not react, not get defensive, and recognize that the communication is all about stirring the pot.


“Written word vomit” is so descriptive. I love that perfectly accurate metaphor. I got so much of this as my ex psychopath used a lot of words, especially in the beginning love bombing stage.


My ex spath Loves to bad mouth me. Does to anyone whom he is around. The problem for the poor done wrong guy is…we live in a small area, most of the people he talks about me too know me and often have known me long before his crazy ass came into my life. Everyone knows he is the problem but his lack of introspection won’t let him see that he is the joke.


Word vomit. My exs favorite dish…other then lying!


She sounds like a very hurt wife and mother. One email exchange over a very heated situation does not make a psychopath. Sounds like she had reason to be hurt and enraged to me. Perhaps the ex is the spath and not worth arguing over. Buying identical necklaces is very sick spath behavior. And if the two women were once friends, a serious rule was broken. Women do not take friends’ husbands. I do not understand why either one of them want him.


Look at which party to this conversation is spewing vitriol, and which is being calm and attempting to NOT enflame the situation further. THAT is proof right there, at the very least, that the author of the nasty emails is a nutjob. No sane person would say this kind of stuff and make these kind of threats in a situation in which her own children were involved, whether she has reason to be upset or not. Nobody with an ounce of decency would inflame a situation like this over her OWN DAUGHTER’S confirmation. No way. There is your clue as to the truth about the situation, without even knowing anything else. That woman is scum of the earth and cares nothing about her own kids.


Delores…that is what I thought too…she is saying to this woman what many want to say …but never do….knowing it would not do any good……..she sounds so hurt by her x and someone she thought was a friend…the worst betrayal….she sounds like she has let it make her crazy ….and allowed them to occupy her mind….I think if we all were honest ….she is writing the CRAZY we can feel in the wake of betrayal….It is not pretty…but…what if the GUY is the Psychopath….makes you wonder…………

Delores and Grace – I am familiar with this case. I assure you, the woman sending all the vitriol is a complete psychopath. There is more to the situation, and this exchange is just one incident.

The author’s objective was to show how a psychopath attempts to manipulate communication, and how the communication becomes progressively nastier. I think the email exchange shows that.


Delores & Grace,

I also perceived it that way. Spaths have a way of turning everything around, so it’s difficult to tell without more info. But it didn’t seem like she is necessarily a spath based on the info here.


Buying the same necklace was odd to me and the friend thing.


Also living in the house with all the same furniture and decor. I would want to start out fresh in a new place that was all our own. Spaths would not be bothered by that, though.

Also, the reply, “don’t contact me in this way anymore” without addressing any of the issues raised is stonewalling.


My ex-husband got his hands on my new home mailing address a few months back. First, my ex father in law sends me an email asking about whether or not my son got some card that he mailed to him. I said no, and because it seemed really late in getting from one part of PA to the other, I mentioned that it may be at my mom’s but that my father had to have a surgery so she may not have gotten it to me….He tells me it was mailed to MY ADDRESS
” It was mailed to XXXX Lincoln Ave.,


PA 190XX as that’s

what was posted on Facebook

with your

husband’s picture”.
(now, my children have only ever received mail from their inmate father and my ex’s family at my mother’s home because the sentencing judge at the time told him she couldn’t keep him from writing to his children, but it had to be through a third party). I quickly informed him that ” Any mail to my children needs to go to my mothers or it will be refused. You know this. Chances are It hasn’t been received it because the post office flagged it and sent it back”

his reply:

Well, I didn’t know that, but
then, my
memory hasn’t been as
sharp as of late
and I may have


This has never changed since the day your son took his plea and was sentenced: Feb 22, 2010. Why are you playing games with me? I expect this from your son, but not from you.

THENNNNNNNN, I received THREE letters to my home address from the inmate himself (addressed to the kids of course), all within about a week’s time.

I had to go back to the DA office, write to and call the prison, etc…..


It was alllllllll a game to let ME KNOW he knew where I lived….(as if it’s a big secret).

It does appear; however, that Father in Law also has SPATH traits, wouldn’t you agree?

@Donna, i’m going to fwd you this email. It was from last August.



I think it’s difficult to know if the father in law is a spath or is just being manipulated by the spath son. Consider if it even matters.

You were ‘winning’ until he finally pushed your buttons enough that you responded with a counter to his assertion about his memory and your recognition that they are playing pointless games. Your irritation was probably their payoff.

Consider that if you let it drop without a response, you would have accomplished just as much (they don’t learn from anything you tell them) and saved yourself time and trouble in the interaction.

The less the spath knows about your irritation, the less payoff he will get from knowing that he’s inconvenienced you into having to go back to the DA office, etc, and the less motivated he will be to continue harassing you with BS.


When my SPATH sends things to my children at my mother’s house, I never reply in any way. He has no idea if they ever see anything he sends. But, I couldn’t allow him to be mailing inmate mail to my home so that one of my children could open up a mailbox and see “jail mail”. The more they forget about his existence the better off they are. The only reminders they need that he exists is what they see me doing; living my life, giving back by volunteering at Domestic Abuse events, even getting to speak with Physicians about my DV medical experience.

I understand him getting a payoff from it, but I have to protect my children and couldn’t risk him continuing to mail stuff to my home every week. This also goes into my collection of ‘data’ if you will, for when he comes up for parole.

And, any 70-ish year old man who’s stalking my new husband’s facebook has serious issues. But you’re right, it really doesn’t matter.


Linda I really appreciate this article. I think that this type of format where we the reader are given opportunity to develop our instincts by analyzing conversations and interactions are incredibly important. While we individually may have gained incredible insights into our spathy one, we need to expand that experience into a working life model. Honestly your example was a very good one. If we can look beyond the gender and focus on the disordered thinking, it’s all there. It’s not about the subject matter either. We need to be able to pick up on the small clues that they are giving us during everyday mundane interactions. This is what a disordered woman looks like. Most of the spathy people that I know, men and women are far better at the game than this woman. Much more covert. Thanks and please keep writing these important articles.

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