Does the sociopath treat the next wife better?

Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:

I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things.  I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older.  But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.

I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.

Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.

Acting the part

Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.

The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.

Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.

Truth revealed

Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.

Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.

He is what he is

You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.

Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.

Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.

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298 Comments on "Does the sociopath treat the next wife better?"

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Sonny, I’m the “rat” that got away after sinking my long incisors into the “snake’s” eye. And, to clarify, snakes pounce on other creatures to eat and survive. They don’t do it out of malice. Human predators choose to hunt, and they aren’t hunting to feed their young or for the better good of their mates. Human predators hunt for their own entertainment and purposes.

It’s “allowed” to be mad, Sonny. It’s reasonable and natural to become angry at someone who would deliberately harm someone for their own entertainment or purposes. As I said, spaths don’t even have the good excuse of “survival” to blame their actions on. They only have a motive of pure, 100% malice.

If they don’t treat the next wife better, why do they care so much about getting caught cheating? Ex sociopath seemed to take great measures not to get caught like having 2 phones. If it isn’t love is it to protect her image of him as a loving faithful man?

There are a whole slew of reasons, but you are likely close.
It might be to protect HIS image of him being a loving faithful man b/c in a con, he doesn’t care what feelings SHE has, his priority is scamming her, and it’s hard to scam a woman who knows the truth. And b/c they run multiple cons, they are likely using you to con someone else, so again, it’s in THEIR interest to keep you ignorant about who/what he really is.

Sorry. It’s not about love. It’s part of the FRAUD, of LoveFraud.

Notwhathesaidofme-i see what you mean because as long as i was being conned without knowledge of her he love bombed to the max. Then when i found out and confronted him this stopped and he became distant. So he wants to keep her in the dark as long as possible.

They will NEVER treat the new one better, they may do a few things differently depending on what personality the other one has.

My ex did the same to the next man that she did to me for almost 10 years, only difference was he was married and our kids were not his. Nonetheless she got him to leave his wife and move in with her and then just like with me the BS started, he had trust issues with her around men, they started arguing like crazy, and started having physical altercations (same junk i put up with) i know this cause my kids told me about it, since they were not his and he did not have as much invested he moved out and reconciled with his wife.

To this day she maintains she still loves him even though he moved out a year ago and she has been with multiple men since him, and claims that he is the only man to make her know what it feels like to “only want to be with one man” LOL, yes she told me this on the phone last year, and did it just to hurt me and mess with my head. It might be awesome at first when they find someone else, but you know deep down it will repeat again, i was worried it was still my fault and thought she would meet someone and it would work out great, once i seen the same pattern repeat i was then validated in knowing it was not me, it was her.

Dave, if i had that same validation you had to see that the ex p is manipulating his wife with gaslighting or something to show she is being victimized and emotionally tormented like i was it would be much easier. I know he lies to her, probably still cheats on her, but if i knew he was doing more it would put my mind at ease but all i have to go on is how he treated me, what i read here and in other places, and of course his past behavior. Which past behavior is an indicator of future behavior and i know for a fact he has a trail of hurt women in addition to me.

What is the dynamic between you and his wife?
I was a wife and it was very validating and helpful when I saw what he did to a couple of the women he cheated on me with. He used MY words that I said to him. I guess it was b/c he knew they worked for me, so he tried them on someone else. And he invited women who were in committed relationships to go skinny dipping with him, used words that were so casual that you’d think it was no big deal to go swim naked with him.
I am just saying, the wife has the info you want, and maybe YOUR info would help her. I suspected, as a wife, that others had the proof I needed, but to my face, my now ex husband was so gentle and sweet and sincere, at least when he was love bombing me. To see the proof in black and white print? Was exactly what I needed. NO heresay, but real PROOF that he was twofaced scam/con job.

Do you have anything in HIS writing that you could give her? You do understand your say so isn’t enough…right? And typical of them and their triangulation, I am sure he’s told her about crazy stalker women who won’t leave him alone. So if you had proof that he pursued you, that would show her what a liar he is, and then you could ask for the same from her.

Notwhathesaidofme: there is no relationship dynamic with me and her. I don’t know her. I found out she existed by looking on Facebook at his brothers page. Ex sociopath is not on fb but after I hadn’t met his family i went on fb to his brother page trying to see what sociopath maybe had to hid and that’s how I discovered who the fiance (now wife) was. I messaged her on fb not long after that to tell her what he’d been doing behind her back, well that didn’t phase her because she still married him. I will not say anything else to her because i know she will tell him and he has a criminal record so I don’t want to anger him enough to possibly harm me for contacting her again. I did see on fb the night before the wedding she was in the hospital being treated for high blood pressure. I thought this was bizarre and maybe should’ve served as a sign to her. I just keep studying this article because he’s been with her at least 2 years and i keep wondering when is it going to fail? Why does he put so much effort into it( he’s a trucker so coming off the road to spend time with her) if its not love and care it just
looks that way. I thought love bombing was a short phase but maybe its not.

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