Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
I think we have all probably wondered about this topic at one point or another. When I was still dealing with the spathy ex, he called me “on accident” at two in the morning so I could hear him with another women. I didn’t realize what he was at the time, but something in how kindly he was talking to her while she was in obvious distress was unnerving to me. I now know he had found his next victim and was in the process of doing the socipathic lovebombing in order to lure her in. This girl sounded so distraught, it reminded me of the hopeless state I was in when I met spathy, and how he sang “Handlyman” by James Taylor to me, lol! I actually thought he could fix my broken heart, and he was a horrible singer 🙂 Just an awesome con artist.
I’ve been struggling with a lot of angry feelings in the aftermath of our relocation. My whole world has changed in pretty much every way one can imagine. I miss my former home in a way that is indescribable. It feels like someone has died. I am trying to tell myself that once we are settled in a place of our own and I land a job, things will fall into place and I will feel better about my decisions.
The lesson that I am learning out of all of this is to trust my brain over my feelings. It was in following my “heart” and not my head that I ended up disregarding the red flags and giving the socipath a chance in the first place.
Right now, my FEELINGS are telling me that this relocation was a horrible decision. But my BRAIN knows that getting my child as far away from a sociopathic father as I can is one of the bests gifts I can give to her. When I look at it this way, instead of focusing on the feelings of fear and anger, I am open to the lesson that I am in need of mastering.
Marie – An ‘accidental’ phone call when he was with another woman! Is there no low they will not sink to?
I’m sorry for your pain. I think moving away was a great idea.
EXCELLENT article, Donna. I don’t believe that the next target will be “happy,” over time. They are what they are, and the next victim will possibly be damaged worse that I was.
LPMarie, someone HAS died – the ILLUSION that the spath generated is deceased, and it’s very NORMAL to feel the things that follow. But, my mantra is: Feelings Are Not Facts. My former “feelings” were based upon a carefully constructed illusion – the person that I had loved did not exist, and never had.
HUGS
Amen. Donna, you said it perfectly.
I may even suggest that the reader book mark what you just wrote. She should read it every time she feels unsure or sad. She may have to review this response every day or every time she struggles with such thoughts for quite some time. One day, the need will disappear. She will understand completely. Peace in spite of everything will set in.
Well said, as always!
KarmaChameleon:
At first I thought it was an accident. I now know better. He was consistently sadistic throughout our “relationship.” Thank you for the support 🙂
Truthspeak:
True, the illusion is most certainly dead. I am feeling grief on so many levels. Certainly the loss of my dream of a family. Or rather a family with a dad for my daughter. But I never really had that with the spath. He pressured me to have a baby with him early on in our relationship, and without marriage, etc. I went against my own values and did what he wanted because it sounded so good. Truth is, I believe he thought I was so attached to the dream that he could get away with anything. All he really wanted the baby for was permanancy in my life and the stability it provided him with a place to live and the ability to abandon us to surf to his hearts content everyday. He was just looking for a sugar mama and I was an easy target with some disposable income. My, how things have changed!
I was very attached to Hawaii, where we left. I spent all of my adult years there and feel a deep spiritual connection to the island I lived on. I can’t explain it, but the first time I went there, I felt I had been there before and it was the first time I had ever felt “at home” in my entire life. I enjoyed many, many years there until I tangled with spathy. The sense of loss I feel so greatly involves my love for the island and the connection I feel to it. I keep telling myself I can go back there later in life. Maybe retire there? Maybe he will die… That may sound harsh, but he is such a dangerous person, I don’t feel my daughter or I will be safe going there while he is still existing. I won’t say living, because what kind of “life” does a parasite actually enjoy? Anyway, I am also in the process of selling my condo in a short sale, waiting to move into a rental in our new state, worrying about finding a good daycare and job, etc.
I once heard a woman talk about “high quality problems” and I can be grateful that since I am spath free, the problems I have are “highter quality” lol! At least it helps put it in perspective. It does feel like carp right now, but you are right, feelings are not facts. And I keep telling myself that this was the right move for my daughter. I also keep telling myself that I will look back a year from now when we are more settled and be more content with my decision.
At least we are safe and he doesn’t know where we are! Thanks for connecting with me. Hugs to you as well 🙂
op
True, true, true. They are broken records. Always repeating the same line ad nauseum.
I can attest to this. I put the spath on an anti-dating website, with both his made up name (which is SO hysterical, I wish I could share it here, just for laughs), and his real name.
Within about a month the post exploded, and 6-8 women, and friends of women, posted their horrors stories. And every one of them was nearly identical.
It was VERY validating. I never met them, or revealed myself to them. But ALL were happy to ‘see’ each other online, and validate one another.
I agree with Linda. If you are in doubt, READ this answer from Donna, again, and BE VALIDATED. Thank goodness you got him out of your life, and now you can get to the good stuff.
As LP (bless you for your grief from having to move…I am so sorry) said, now you can have ‘higher level’ problems! Not just a low life loser sucking the life out of you…..
Slim
Parallelogram,
Thank you for sharing that. It was very moving for me. Being a parent means sacraficing my own wants in order to protect her needs and well being. And your Mia Farrow/Woody Allen example nails that home.
The early morning phone call from Spathy asking the distraught girl if she was alright so tenderly ended with me hanging up. He called back later on and it sounded as if they maybe were having sex, but I couldn’t really tell. I wouldn’t put it past him. Our daughter was around 7 months old at the time and he started talking to me casually about this new girlfriend and relegated me to the role of his “baby’s mom.” It was so hurtful. And then he sends me a text saying he regreted his choices and missed me and the baby so much. But he was going to jail the next day and probably thought I would forgive and go visit him while he did time like I did during his earlier incarceration. Man, I was so sick! I would look at the other women there visiting their partners and think they were so stupid, that my ex and I were “different.” He was truly transformed from his past, but had to complete a prison sentence for his past transgressions. I bought his repentence so sincerely, I even wrote a letter to the prosecution asking for leniancy. The prosecutor told the defense attorney that in 20 years he had never been so affected by a letter and that it changed his mind in asking for the maximum sentance. At the time I was so proud of what I did for him. Now, I think of how he deserved so much more time and I assisted him in getting away with serving more time!!! Sick, sick, sick! But at least I have my daughter who I adore and would do anything for. I wouldn’t have had her if he was incarcerated longer. I probably would have left him. Anyway, I could go off on that tangent for days if I let myself!
I’m so sorry you received such a disgusting message from your ex Spath, but I’m glad you made it into something positive for yourself: resolving to be done with such revolting behavior. They seem to keep uping the ante to see how much we will edure. I truly believe my ex Spath thought I was going to stick by him no matter what. In the process of our relationship and when I was pregnant with my daughter, I received inpatient counseling for PTSD in another sate and I know without a question of a doubt this saved my life and enabled me to build up enough awareness and good coping skills to eventually leave the situation. I was initially scared because of the baby and becoming a single parent, but I finally realized I was ALREADY doing it on my own. I didn’t need him. I never did!
Slim,
Thank you for the support 🙂 Bless you, too!
About a year into our ‘relationship’, the spath told me of someone he once ‘loved’ and how they could never be together. He told me of how they ‘seemed’ to part ways about every 6 months or so only to find themselves back together again-like clockwork. I didn’t understand at the time.
Throughout our ‘relationship’ he was ‘caught’ meeting up with her. Needless to say, he was more concerned with ‘how’ I had found out than the fact that I did. He ‘fessed up’ and told me he didnt have ‘innocent intentions’ of meeting with her, except ‘nothing happened’ other than gaining ‘closure’.
This was THE biggest mistake I made, looking back that is. It was then that the stage was set for what he believed Id accept.
Throughout the ‘relationship’, there were instances of him being shady, blatantly lieing about what I KNEW to be true, then leaving when I didnt accept his ‘version’ of what I knew, only to come back full force, love bombing the s%$^ outta me.
During a 5 month break up span, he began seeing someone. This person was QUITE similar to me in many respects, although he will say otherwise. He love bombed her, told her he loved her, called her baby, wanted to have a family, etc. As they ‘broke up’ after two months of dating, he told me how he left her at a Cubs game after ‘dancing at the bar with other guys to make me jealous.” His version is he got in a taxi and left and seemed to take great pride stating ‘she’s not the type of woman many men would leave.” Again, he ‘knew’ she wasn’t the one for him…only I was.
After our breakup 1.5 (and counting 🙂 )years ago, he tried keeping in contact cordially in between abuseive cycles UNTIL he found his next victim. She was about 6 years older than him. In an email he sent July 3, 2011 he told me of how he ‘loves me, cant stop thinking about me, misses me, etc, etc” I responded about a month later with MUCH disgust and anger. It was then that he ‘told’ me he had been ‘dating someone for about 2 months” (which would mean when he emailed me in July he was seeing her for a month already—bet she didnt know) who would LOVE to have him move in as she has ‘alot of money, a nice house and alot to offer’ and she wants a commitment/relationship with him. He, again, didnt want her though…it was ME he wanted, ME his heart was with.
I was sick.
He told me he was ‘getting ready to break it off with her and in fact, Ive not seen her in a week.”
He’s now ‘back’ with her and again, she has NO idea that 4 days before they went on a trip to see his bio mother (who I introduced him to) he was texting me asking for the video, holding himself ransom in exchange for the video, and bartering making plans for dinner should I give the video.
She too is VERY similar to me, minus the fact shes almost 10 years older. We have the same color hair, same soft presentation, both are educators and are highly educated.
So, to the question ‘will they treat someone else better than me?”
Hows this…HELL NO THEY WONT! The reason they’re not with you/us/me anymore is because they CANT treat us the way they CAN treat them…ONLY because THEY dont know what is REALLY in front of them…
We are lucky-
We know.