Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
I was warned by my ex’s sister in law he was a liar and only cared about himself. So true.
We are done, I finally wised up over a year ago. However, we once had a discussion about widows/widowers. He said the best person to find is a rich widow and my comment was “what if she was ugly?” – his comment “ugly women need love too”.
He found such a person last year – her husband was an investment banker who passed away in 2010. He is now living in her million dollar home. She has a prominent position with our state government and here he is living up the life of Riley.
I feel bad for her – it is not her fault. He found her and zeroed in on her. She was most likely lonely after the husband’s death and my ex is just like this website states – fun, romantic, lives life to the fullest – but with someone elses money.
I am waiting to hear of the engagement – I figure later this year – but a leopard does not change his spots – and a liar, sociopath does not either. He lied and cheated on me and will do the same to her.
To all the “newbees” out there, including myself, I want to give you a warning. I have been reading and posting for just a short while and have read about NC and have refrained from calling my ex of 20 years. I was starting to be able to handle everything better, but the phone rang and I answered it without looking and it was him. I had not spoken to him for over a month and it was not the time he normally called me (three times a day, every day). Well when I heard the sound of his voice I almost died. He wasn’t calling to make up but to ask if he could give my number to a real estate agent for a reference. He is planning to rent a house for him and his new girlfriend, although he did’t tell me that way. Just going to rent a house and he needed a reference from me cause he lived in my house for 20 years.
I am now in shambles. I thought I was really starting to get a handle on all of this, but I guess not.
Lesson to all, check your caller ID before you answer your phone. I don’t know how to block his number or would do that (although he has three). Now I’m at square one again and ready to explode. I know I don’t want him back – BUT I MISS HIM SOOOOO BAD.
Please somebody tell me this gets better with time.
Stormy:
It does get better with time. I put up and lost 5 years of my life believing things would get better, he would not have another cell phone for calls, he would not go on porn sites, he would not have his own porn profile, he would love me…. Never happened.
The strange thing is when we got serious – I said to him 3 things I wanted from him (and I never said this to anyone before). 1 Do not lie to me 2. Do not cheat on me 3. Do not waste my time. He did all three – however, I realize I am guilty of allowing him to waste my time…
They find someone else – like mine did – the ugly rich widow. She feels he loves her – he tells her that – but he is only out for the money…. I am surprised she has 4 grown kids and I would think they would be more critical of him – but he can lie to a nun and get her to take her clothes off. He is that good.
It takes time, but your life will get better….
I was also warned, and instead of heeding the warning, I was like most targets and defended him. I also couldn’t believe them because we were in the phase where he was love bombing me and he didn’t sound like the monster this person was describing.
However, he ended up that monster. And months after I split from him I found out he was doing the exact same things to several other women. I did not try and warn them.
They are broken records.
czarinamom,
Thanks for the works of encouragement. I’m just having a hard time believing that he was lying to me for 20 years and I had no idea. If I hadn’t had to move for an illness in the family we probably still would be together and he would still be lying.
I used to believe that there is good in all people, but then there is Bob. I knew he was lying about a few things when we first got together but thought it was just to make it easier to see each other. But never had any idea of the extent he went through to trick me.
And I’m MAD!! 20 years of my life. I could have found a really nice guy who would have loved me for myself, not my stuff. I think I need to channel all this self pity into anger. Luckly we are in different states because I always told him if I caught him cheating on me I would shoot him and right now I think I could.
Stormy,
It gets A LOT better. I can think of, and do think of, the spaths EVERY day. But thinking about them (there have been multiples, including family members) no longer upsets me. Now the thoughts, for the most part, are not much different than many memories about other people I have known. They have some feelings attached to them, but they no longer trigger me into PTSD.
As well, this continued ‘ruminating’ continues to educate me. I still have ‘aha’ moments….
No contact, as you have found, is essential for continued forward movement. If I wouldv’e had to have continued contact I think I would still be traumatized.
I have lots of sympathy for people who have children and ties that are binding with these Awfuls. It would make healing and calm more difficult.
For me coming here, and to other educational websites was helpful. Understanding spaths helped me to depersonalize what happened to me. Also exercise, and more quiet time helped me to stay with my feelings (which was so hard). And I had the gift of a friend who was also a friend to the exspath, and she and I stayed no contact together, and that was really validating (as were the folks here, at LF, who totally understand).
I hope this helps a bit…..it takes time, but life can get better. A whole lot better.
Slim
You know I think about this from time to time now that my ex sociopath has remarried for what I have learned the 7th time… I think to myself.. maybe he will be nicer to her, maybe he won’t lie, cheat, steal her money… maybe he will give her affection he denied me… and maybe he won’t steal her identity.. then I think about the past wives I know of his.. the past girlfriends I have spoken too and realize.. it is only a matter of time before he reveals himself to his new wife… I know it will more than likely be too late for her… but I hope that she will reach out to me.. and I can assure her that nope she’s not crazy.. and yes, he is a sociopath… we can heal.. it takes time.. but it is possible.
Don’t let the natural feelings of jealousy overwhelm you. Just remember that it’s no better for them. They flit from relationship to relationship with no real meaning and/or intent. All of their relationships have something in it for them or they wouldn’t be in the relationship.
How much abuse will you take before you just put an end to it? I took five years of it, believing in lies. Then, I woke up. I found LF and the education I got here, helped open my eyes up to what this ‘enigma’ truly was.
It is almost supernatural in the depths of evilness.
I refuse to let that overtake my life anymore than it already has. It hurts, yes, but remember, we are wiser than they are…we appreciate the important things in this life and hold them holy and sacred, while they are only in relationships for what they can get and the more you care for them, the more they use you.
Stay on the path to yourself and you won’t lose.
You will come out of this a much stronger and wiser person in spite of it all. Reach for the other side. The reason you are having a hard time touching it is because it was CONDITIONED IN YOU TO NOT. They are all about torturing those who love them, because they can and they find it amusing and entertaining. The more you speak up for yourself, the deeper the torture goes. The only way to get rid of it is go NC. I pray, all the time for people who co parent with one of these beings. How ugly must that be?
Have a happy day everyone…
Hang in there and stand up for what is yours.
Dupey
Stormy,
I’m going to add my two pence to all the great advice youve been given. I especially liked what Dupey said. “Stand up for what is yours”
It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, extricating myself from the spath. Oh yes I missed him, like I’ve never missed anyone before. So what happened to create this sea of change? I came to LF about 8months ago. NC was very, very hard. Tortuous as I still missed the companionship and the intimacy we had shared. I was still kidding myself that I could make him good. I believed him when he said he was sorry and to give him another chance. After four months of NC I started seeing him again. Massive mistake, massive. Although I didn’t go back an live with him it soon began to deteriorate and the old demon soon reared his ugly head. I tell you this to try to assuage some of the feelings you may have. We as empaths or enablers some refer to us as…..we want to see the good. We want to believe that everyone has a good side. They just need a chance. Or in my exes case several.
I am beginning to understand why I have been targeted and why I have allowed this parasite to rule my life for so long. It’s been and continues to be a blessed awakening.
I can honestly say I don’t love him any more. I know some people may be horrified that I did but it’s a massive relief that I can say and mean those words now.
I was in love with an image, an act, an evil thing. It started out as all about him and now it’s all about me.
Richest blessings and good wishes to you, stormy. You may have given many years to that which did not deserve your love. But, don’t look back in anger, as Oasis sang, especially upon yourself. A bit of righteous anger is good…..channelled at the spath!
Pity the poor woman who is in your shoes now. And mine.
Life is for living. Not for giving.
Salutations
SW
I pray for all those dupey’s to come after me.
They are going to need every single prayer I can send them. I am sure the monster has only grown and magnified itself ten times since I saw it last.
Aye, strongawoman: ‘pity the poor woman who is in your shoes now. and mine.’ MINE TOO! Hugs and love to you, by the way, hope your weather is perfect. Mine is about to cook me alive, it’s been so hot.
Dupey