Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Stormy,
I was married to my ex-spath for 30 years and it was only in the last couple of years that his mask completely came off. I was in shock and of course all those ah-ha moments started to happen. I continue to experience them from time to time but I think I’m over the worst of it. I understand what you are going through when you hear his voice, the same thing happened to me for a long time. It’s brutal.
I lost my marriage, my home of 25 years (he changed the locks once his mask shattered into a million pieces, I happened to be living part time at my Mom’s house) my job (we were in business together) and shortly thereafter my Mom died. Stormy, there is hope. I made it through and I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I learned to live one day at a time (sometimes one moment at a time) and I came to this site every day where I received a significant amount of support. No one understands the trauma except for those who have experienced it first hand.
Take it one moment/step at a time. Even a baby step is still a step in the right direction. I am finally approaching an attitude of indifference towards him and you will eventually reach that point too. I know the pain is unbearable, but little by little you will heal.
Something that helped me is starting each day with the thought of “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” It’s helped my mindset and to cope with the grief of losing what I once considered to be an ideal life. It was all a facade, the entire 30 years. Even the “ah-ha” moments don’t shock me anymore. If I cannot change it, the only real option is to accept it, then let it go. He stole so much from me, he’s not going to steal my future.
Many positive thoughts going your way Stormy.
Take care,
~New
Dupey & SW – you can also add in the poor woman who is now is my shoes. She thinks she’s won the grand prize.
New Beginning: Yes, I hear you. The other woman in my shoes, right now, thinks the same exact thing. hahahaha
Just WAIT until that mask starts melting and sliding down “ITS” face…hm?
They will learn the hard way, just like we did.
Never you to worry New Beginning.
Today has to be one of those “poor me” days. All I’ve ever asked in a relationship was to love and be loved, but it seems I was always the one giving the love.
My father and grandfather had a great influence on my life. In could feel the love and respect they gave to my mother and grandmother (combined family). So naturally I thought this was the way love was. (I also grew up in the “Father Knows Best” and “Donna Reed Show” era).
When I met my first husband it was not “love at first site” but we liked each other. We soon married (shotgun wedding ”“ it was the 60’s) I soon realized he was quite controlling, even about small things. We split after 2 years, but I did have a son with him.
That’s when I met my soul mate. Unfortunately we had little time together because he died during Viet Nam. I think in some ways I have been thinking about dying since then and maybe that affects my outlook on life and love.
On the rebound and still hurting I met my second husband. We seemed to get along and I wasn’t so lonely. He was offered a job in CA so we up and moved 3000 miles away from my family. Things seem to go fine for a while (or maybe I overlooked a lot of things) and then he started to have an affair while I was pregnant with my daughter. That put me in the loony bin. I signed my self in and they helped me get some understanding on the whole picture. The marriage lasted 25 years until I could no longer that the alcohol abuse and lack of affection in the bedroom. I also sought out counseling, but cannot abide by the quacks that tell you that it all comes from your childhood. Tried another councilor and he wanted to “re-parent” me. That sent me running for the hills. Haven’t tried it since.
One day while visiting my girlfriend I learned that we had started the bombing of Bagdad. This upset me greatly since I believed it would be another disaster like Viet Nam. I decided to go to the bar and get plastered. This is the day I met my spath. I had seen him before but never even spoke. That knight he zeroed in and we have had a rocky relationship for 20 years. He got me at my most vulnerable time. I had no defense against his smooth talking.
I have promised myself that I will never let that happen to me again. So I am going to read blogs, books, study and stand on my head if have to, but no more. Why are all the good men (Dad, Grandpa and Roger) dead? Aren’t there any more live ones out there?
Dupey,
Hello my dear friend. Greetings from the UK. Hot it ain’t but the weather has improved. Not quite as much rain just muggy, humid and moist. Lol. Hope you’re keeping well, Dupey? I am fine. Feeling tired but nearly there now. Two more weeks and then the summer holidays and a chance to recharge my batteries for six whole weeks. Bliss! It’s good to hear from you. Take it easy love.
New,
Gosh you write with such eloquence. Ya know, talking of shoes, I wouldn’t want to walk another step in THAT direction.
Freedom, my it comes at a price, but I’m savouring it. I love it. Feeeeel that? it’s my new found muscle. The strong arm of strongawoman. Yihah!!!
Hello strongawoman: hugs and smiles from the left side of America!
Yum: rainy and muggy, hm?
Moistness would be so wonderful here, we are so dry and under high fire danger.
Yes, I am keeping quite well, considering everything (thank you for asking). Are you doing alright? I think of you all the time and send prayers and good thoughts and wishes to you. They increased my lexapro just a bit and it makes me quite sleepy. But, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER! And, the stalking has slowed down to one or twice a week and only by cyber. I can deal with that. Like a child playing; hm? I am still NC and plan on staying that way now. I am never going to walk back into that trap anymore.
Two more weeks and then summer holidays, hm?
YAY for you! It’s lovely hearing from you too. You take good care of yourself and remember someone is thinking of you.
Love ~ Dupey
Stormy,
Love the name. Stormy weather? Since my man and I ain’t together….
I want to be an optimist and think sure there are plenty of opportunities for me, for all of us to find love. I’m not holding my breath. And I’m not going to “see the good in everyone” any more. That’s part of the reason I’m here. 3 major relationships in my life and what can I say. Theyve all broken down. I’m on my own but you know Im ok. And you will be too. Give yourself time to grieve. Cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself.
Read, learn, absorb. There’s a great poem about divorce/separation. Can’t remember the title but it has a strong message. Learning to love that person you see in the mirror again. Peel away your reflection and feast on your life. Words to that effect. I’ll look it out and post it.
Take care of you.
Dupey doo,
I’m well despite a few aches and pains. I’m feeling my age sometimes. I think like a 25 year old ….oh dear the reflection is not looking like one. Ah well. Do you have any pets Dupey to keep you company? I have an old Labrador. She’s a great old girl …..we have a lot in common, haha.
Not sure if I could cope with the dry heat ….I’m typically English. Too much sun
and I’m running for the shade. It is very beautiful here at the moment. Very
green and lush. A big fat pair of pigeons are nesting in the tree outside my
bedroom window. They coo at their baby in the nest. Trouble is there’s a black
cat who is waiting for that little baby to fly the nest. Hope it makes it.
Lots a love to you x
Thanks for thinking of me. Likewise.
As Donna said, S/P cannot love and thus things never get better. My P father married a wonderful woman and they had 3 children. None of these three children would have a thing to do with his dying of cancer or funeral. My father, as he aged, worsened with his manipulations, lying, stealing, and other criminality. My malignant narcissist mother (who may also be a P but was never diagnosed as he was) also worsened in her behavior toward her children and grandchildren. Her sense of entitlement and manipulation and drama causing severe family dysfunction did not end. Both of these empty souls left traumatic legacies of dysfunction in their first, second, and third families.
On the topic of “being warned” of a bad guy by an ex wife…I’m afraid that the second (3rd or 4th) wife will not listen. When the S is in their grooming stage they are just simply too good to be true and so whatever you say about him or her must be because you are a bitter or jealous person and only want to interfere. There is nothing you can do to prevent a disaster in the making and the best advice I could give is to let go and let God.
Even if you have “evidence” of his or her Sociopathy…hard facts, criminal background, papers, whatever – we see what we want to see and that is human nature.
The only exception I can see (now) is I am overly suspicious of anyone who may like me (I’ve been immensely conditioned that I am unlovable being raised by S’s). And, if I feel something too good to be true has come my way I’ve learned to listen to that voice and keep my eyes wide open and to walk the other way. It’s sad really. I may be missing out on the good that is out there. I just cannot recognize it anymore.
One private detective I almost hired said to me – “If you suspect this person of this, then you can be sure it is happening.” Well, I suspected only ever so slightly and let things go. Let me tell you it turned out bad, really, really bad.
My message is if you suspect, run.
Hi,
New to the site, and this article is a big help. After my ex and his new fiance tagged pictures on Facebook of the two of them and our son (age 6) on a trip all weekend long I thought it would drive me crazy. I cried and watched my phone for those notifications on my phone like an obsessed teenager. Then as family members and friends started messaging and texting in disbelief at the gall that it took for him to post pics with the three of them acting as one happy family it was all I could do not to sit in the bottom of the shower and hide from the world.
I know I don’t love him, I;m the one that wanted out. But am totally confused at the constant abuse even now. It seems as though he enjoys hurting people. DUH.. he does enjoy it,.. I know this I just cant grasp it.
Now he has another victim to help him abuse me. At first i hated her, now I feel bad for her. They have cheated on their other spouses for 20 years and last year they each found one another single, so now she is starry eyed, and thinking she has now been united after all these years with the love of her life, and all he can do is use her to hurt me.
I cant lie, it hurts lie crazy to see her stand next to my son at a zoo or the beach, and think “he never took me to places like that”… Also “what was wrong with me that he couldn’t take me out to places like that”…
I see the signs with them already and they aren’t even married, her son is being kicked out because he doesn’t like any kid other than his own, the dog she had for years is now gone because he hates animals, its going to be all the same for her.
I realize it was all the same for the other ex’s. I was told by his brother and his wife to beware, but I was told they were ling to me.. of course he had to say that. Then keep them away from my son and I so that we didn’t hear the truth.
It’s all so clear now. I just need to stop letting what they do on purpose hurt me. Just not too sure about how I go about doing that.. I’m sure this site will help…