Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Stormy,
I had many days I wanted to die. Suicide was definitely on my mind…..but if you are feeling things could not possibly be any worse than they are, they can be MUCH worse.
A woman I do not know personally but through a couple of degrees of friends recently went through a break-up from a spath. Long term marriage and kids involved. A few weeks ago she was in a serious automobile accident – a single car crash. I suspect there is a good chance it was either a suicide or murder attempt. She’s now paralyzed from the chest down. Last week she was able to utter a few words – her first since the crash. This has virtually eliminated my days of feeling sorry for myself because I have the best gift of all – FREEDOM. I can go where I want, do what I want. I can mow the lawn and work in my garden. I cannot imagine the tortured existence of the break-up aftermath AND being trapped in one’s own body. I’ve decided there can be much more despair than what I experienced.
So where are all the nice guys? Well the spaths multiply more and just keep passing along those genes. Like many of the other posters, I am now over vigilant and yes, I may miss out on someone who is a good person but I am not willing to take that risk any longer. I’ve decided in order to stop being so vulnerable to the spaths, I have to rediscover myself and be happy in my own skin before I can let someone else in again.
StrongWoman,
You keep flexing those muscles! I agree, freedom is truly a wonderful thing and something to be treasured. Like you, I’m not holding my breath either regarding a love relationship. I’ve lost a lot but I still have much to be grateful for. And yeah, I don’t walk in THAT direction anymore either and never will again. I see one red flag (or perhaps even a yellow) and I’m gone. Thank you for your kind words, SW. Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about your writing! 🙂
Six weeks on holiday – enjoy!
Back From the Edge,
Yup, the “new” gf’s/wive’s will go through it. I actually like his new girlfriend and feel sorry for what is coming her way but no one listens to the ex and I also believe my ex is a dangerous man. I’d certainly become a target…..again, and the other woman will still be there because she’s convinced he’s the best thing since sliced bread.
Absolutely love the new nickname, it says it all. I recall days/weeks/months …..and perhaps over a year of feeling like I was hanging onto the edge of cliff by my fingernails and all I could see is a deep, dark abyss. Scary place. I’m glad the Lexapro is helping, the brain needs to be retrained on the altered chemical reaction that occurs after being spathenized. I was on Zoloft for about a year and it helped a lot.
Embrouille,
That’s a difficult thing to deal with. I have a hard time with my son (lives with his Dad) spending time with the two of them and my son is in his 20’s! Many positive thoughts going out to you for strength and perserverance.
Be well, all. 🙂
Embrouille –
Welcome and condolences on being part of our community. Although the details of our experiences can be as unique as each individual, you will find you are not alone. People here understand and eventually you will see more hope and eventually find a way to be at peace with it all.
I also would like to join SW in saying it is important to be kind to yourself. Think of the healing process as a broken leg with a cast on it…….it’s going to be a little while before you can walk the same again but with a little care and protection from the elements, you’ll eventually be up and running again. I know you can’t see it now, but you will get there. 🙂
Be well.
~New
New Beginning: such a thoughtful note. Thank you. xxo
Oh yes, the wives and g/f’s…all eight of them. Perhaps some new ones added to the list as well. Hm? They all experience the same things. It doesn’t change. They hop from partner to partner because they all eventually catch on to them. It’s alot easier with someone unaware who is very naieve and will just buy into their crap. Much too difficult to stick around and do THE RIGHT THING. Hm?
Oh hey, thanks, for the compliment on the new nickname. It’s just really how I feel. Like I have come back from the very edge….I am grateful to have survived the experience and count every day as one more gift. Oh yes, my x ppath is a very dangerous person. The other women can have it, since they don’t mind being beaten and disrespected. They will believe us when it happens to them. Then they will remember we tried to warn them.
Yes, this has come to a head, this past five years of captivity. It is over and finished. I am NEVER subjecting myself to that ugliness, not ever again. And, if it doesn’t stay out of my way, I will MAKE it stay out of my way with every legal means available. You can just bet on that.
Deep, dark, abyss…I can so relate. A very scary place. I didn’t know where I was or who I was – I am still learning how to NOT react certain ways. The Lexapro is helping me a lot. SPATHENIZED is the exact word for what just happened to me. I like to think I am taking the lexapro not because of him but IN SPITE OF HIM.
Take care New Beginning and remember you are fondly thought of and prayed for.
Happy Holiday!
Dupey
Embrouille, I am so sorry that you have had your experiences.
As time goes on, you’ll sort out the hurt and sadness. Then, you’ll experience the anger and the righteous rage. Then, you’ll experience everything else that goes along with grief.
I sort of had to wrap my mind around my experiences as if the exspath had died. In essence, the man that I had loved for those years DID die when I discovered what he truly was. His death was instantaneous. Yeah, every now and again, I’ll wonder if he ever even thinks about what he’s done to me, and I answer myself with the firm and gentle, “No, he never cared as a normal human being would have.”
So, yeah….you’re going to be fine.
Dupey, you’re simply an inspiration. Where you were about 3 months ago……you’re a true inspiration, as are all of the survivors on this site.
If unconditional love – true AGAPE – is possible for people that I’ve never met, it’s here among the strong, courageous, and tenacious survivors. I am so very grateful to each and every one of you.
Aw shucks, (((Truthspeak))), look who’s talking; alright?!
Thanks for calling me an ‘inspiration’…I feel more like a ‘survivor’. A very fortunate ‘survivor’. Finally got a doc who has said that my heart attack was caused by this “THING” that had leeched itself onto my soul.
Three months ago, I was trapped in that dark abyss. The abyss where evil lives and breathes. YOU are an inspiration, too, Dear Truthspeak; we are all ‘survivors’ of something almost unspeakable but have had one another to validate us and tell us we are okay, we are not going insane….AGAPE: yes…you are strong, courageous and tenacious, as well….it’s up to us to lead the way…
We will be alright, once we learn to process the experience differently. I can feel my hands, fingers and toes, now, which is something I haven’t felt for the past five years of this…imagine that. THAT was living on the edge…trust me.
I am grateful for you too, Truthspeak…
Thanks for all your support and unconditional caring.
xxoo
strongawoman: i have no pets. not anymore.
lost my german shepherd of 13 years and not a pet since. he was more like family than a pet. best friend i ever had.
i am so happy to hear you are doing so well!
i have been praying for you and hoping that you are getting stronger and stronger. everything wonderful that happened ‘back then’, certainly was because of YOU and don’t think I don’t know that.
I will think of the pigeons nesting in your tree cooing…how lovely. I bet it smells wonderful there, with the dampness. Please do enjoy it some for me, would you?
Love you lots – you stay safe and strong…
Dupey xxoo
Back From the Edge,
^5, “in spite of” really is what it’s all about. It’s one of the things that steered me away from the suicidal thoughts because then ultimately he would win. Ain’t gonna happen!
Thank you for your kind words and likewise. 🙂 I was away for awhile too and only started posting within the past week or so. It was a break to separate the grief from my Mom’s passing and the 30 years with the spath. I’m grateful to finally be on the most solid ground I’ve been on since the mask started to crack.
Truthspeak,
And we are grateful to you too. There is much commraderie here – bound by traumatic experiences but the opposite of trauma bonding at the hands of the N’s, P’s, S’, MN’s. We’re free!
^5 New Beginning!
“In spite of” IS what it’s really all about; isn’t it?
I mean, WE are entitled – aren’t we? This life is ours too.
I can tell that you and I have seen that same darkness…
Happy you are back. Terribly sorry about your Mom.
Oh yes, I know what that solid ground is about. Where it finally stops moving under your feet and where every moment is NOT filled with shock. I know exactly that feeling. The mask cracked, melted and fell off; didn’t it? It did with me too. It was very painful to accept that the person I THOUGHT I knew was a complete FRAUD. Amazing to me, still. But rather than ponder and dwell on that negativity, I try to put that energy elsewhere, like into taking care of myself now. It hasn’t been easy. I almost died in more ways than one, at the hands and evil intent of x ppath. All of it very calculated and without remorse.
Thank YOU New Beginning for being here too. You are an important part of that chain….an intricate link…
We are free.
FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!
Let the fireworks and parade begin!
Dupey
Dupey, that’s exactly what I decided too – to not waste anymore mental energy on him. I think most of us feel that our significant other is the ONE person we KNEW we could count on to have our back…..turns out they are the one’s who were stabbing us in the back.
Yup, I’ve almost checked out too on numerous occasions but didn’t fully realize these medical crises (in addition to several other odd events) were created by him until after I was away and took the blinders off. He even admitted it without realizing what he was saying until the words were out of his mouth. Frustration at failing I suppose. His memory is very scattered and I’m not sure if he has multiple personalities or it’s just multiple schemes that he cannot keep straight. He even expressed anger at my having an alarm system in my house. I don’t know, perhaps it’s partially a sign of the inner rage he doesn’t have full control of. I haven’t gone completely NC due to circumstances but we rarely interact now and thankfully it is usually via email and very abrupt. I’d never put myself in any situation to be alone with him for even a few minutes. That in of itself is a difficult thing to overcome isn’t it? I finally decided if I stayed fearful of everything and everyone I would inadvertently attract negative people/things into my life so I’m doing my best get past the residual PTSD. For quite some time I was stuck in the “freeze” part of the fight, flight or freeze response which actually began with one of the aforementioned “events”, before I realized who he really is. Now I completely understand about animals playing dead……it is a paralysis. I used to sit in my house, barely able to move. Feeding my cat was like moving a mountain……but I’m better now!!!
Thank you for the condolences regarding my Mom. I miss her deeply but have finally reached the acceptance phase that it is indeed the circle of life, and that life goes on for those of us left behind.
So glad you are feeling better and yes, let the fireworks & parade begin! Independence Day has a whole new meaning now doesn’t it?
Happy Fourth of July!
~New