Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
I was married for over 10 years at the time I separated from my ex. I was with him through all of the “lean” years — as soon as he started making big money, it was time for him to move on. His new girlfriends were treated very well, just like he treated me well prior to our marriage.
When it became clear that he was going to have his custody time with our children reduced due to his inability to run his business AND manage the children’s schedule, he hastily married a European woman with a disabled son, moving her to the USA to be my replacement. He forced the children to call her “mummie” and when he was with them, he referred to me as “the monster.” I actually witnessed him do this, as I was walking to the post office one evening while we still lived in the same neighborhood, and walked up behind them close enough to hear what he was saying to them. He used to taunt me by telling me that he was going to get primary custody sooner or later, because he and Wife #2 were providing the children with a “real family,” while I was a broke single mother.
Being dead flat broke, and trapped into an absolutely unworkable custody schedule, etc., that made it impossible for me to hold down any kind of a job made my life completely miserable. It was awful to see Wife #2 driving a fabulous new car and buying a whole new wardrobe when I had never had any money for clothes when I was married to him.
But Marriage #2 only lasted for 5 or 6 years. I talked to Wife #2 at one point while she was still married to him. In fact, she didn’t split up with him for at least a couple of years after that. She told me that she sometimes wrote him her thoughts in a letter, and handed the letter to him, because it was impossible to communicate with him otherwise. She also said that she had asked him why he had married her, when he obviously didn’t care about her. He told her that he “had to marry someone immediately, or lose custody of his children.”
So, he may have made her feel super special when they first met, and prior to their marriage, but later on in the relationship, he was quite willing to let her know that their marriage was an “any port in a storm” relationship as far as he was concerned. His underlying habits had not changed (always ass deep in debt, etc.) so I know that she found it very difficult to leave him because she had a handicapped child, and no money of her own and no job skills.
He made my life very unhappy from the time I married him, until the youngest child was 18. A total of 25 years.
Don’t be envious of the life that the new spouse or girlfriend appears to be leading. All that glitters is not gold. At some point, the new wife will be kicking herself for not having believed any of what was written in the divorce papers, etc.
My ex is still trying to “torture” me by giving his new wife all the things he knew I wanted. She has been able to stay home with their three children and has never worked. (I believe her family has money). I longed to stay home with my children but didn’t want to end up homeless. He made sure I knew that she had their children “naturally” whereas I had to have two C-sections. Also, they have traveled to places he knows I wanted to go. He also hurts our sons by appearing to lavish his 3 new children with affection and gifts that were withheld from our sons. It almost appears that he has become quite successful but I see cracks in the veneer. I know he’s not “right” but he is very clever and a good liar. I’m waiting for the day it all falls apart for him.
I have forgiven myself for being sucked into his charm. I just didn’t know people like him existed before. How do we warn others to get as far away from these people as possible? Once they have information about you they will use it against you and try to convince others that YOU have/are the problem.
Firstvictim, I am so sorry that you had those experiences and that you’re experiencing so much continued hurt even after you’ve ended it.
I’ve learned one thing about the exspath – he cannot rub my nose into ANY pile of stinking waste, unless I allow him to grab me by the neck. For me, I couldn’t care less WHAT he gives to the new victim or where he takes her/them.
Everything that he wants, everything that he needs, and everything that he pretends he is will be cursed by his own actions until the day that he parts ways with his hollow earthly existence.
Yeah, “justice” may not typically prevail over spaths, but Karma sure has a very creative and righteous way of working itself out.
Getting the word out is difficult because people who haven’t had these experiences do not want to believe that another member of their species lacks a soul. It’s too frightening for them, and they only associate sociopathy with criminals like Ted Bundy and cult leaders like David Koresh. They refuse (IMHO) to accept that their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, BFF’s, coworkers, bosses, religious leaders, and civic leaders could be BAD people.
Hang in there, FirstV….and, consider an ID change to something positive and triumphant!
Brightest blessings
DivorcedFrom! YES!!!!!!!! There’s nothing to envy about the new source target. They are simply tools, just as we were.
I pity…..truly pity…..any man or woman who becomes entangled with the exspath. He is not in possession of a true soul, he is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. No….no envy, here.
New Beginning: I am sorry that you had to go through that. I have decided the same thing: to not waste anymore mental energy on him because “IT” left me with a severe heart attack that almost took my life, in addition to the other ugly things “IT” has tried to pull on me, not to even MENTION the death threats against my life when I didn’t play the game “ITS” way. Hm? I spent two years looking over my shoulder, with police protection. I think “IT” FINALLY may have it down: GO AWAY and STOP YOUR STALKING and YES: it is a federal offense with prison time attached to it, along with all the other things you have against you right now. I could end up being his third strike, however, I don’t think I am going to have the pleasure of putting him where I think he belongs because, I think that someone else is going to end up doing that for me….I am almost so sure of that, I would bet my life on it.
Oh yes, the residual PTSD is a horrid monster, is it not?
I became quite agoraphobic and ended up with a case of depression and mania, you would not believe! I finally went on Lexapro to help ease back some of the residuals. I used to say I was ‘collateral damage’ in all this and I still believe it’s true. I just want it gone from me now, like the demon it is. There is no forgiveness, because some things in this life ARE unforgivable. But it is a new beginning and “IT” isn’t getting one more moment of my life. Sure, I come here and talk with all of you, I have another DEAR DEAR FRIEND who listens to me CONSTANTLY, when I ruminate, etc., but aside from that, I am trying slowly to re discipline myself into something that kind of looks like a ‘normal’ life. Five constant years of being manipulated and ‘taken in’ by a fraud, is really quite difficult to wrap one’s mind around. If I could adequately express the depths of mind control and pyschological manipulation that took place, you would not believe it. I am amazed with myself that I actually fell into something so mind boggling…..I never used to be able to understand what Charles Manson’s followers went through until this experience. I always thought we had free will and could say yes or no…until I experienced this ‘control’ and ‘domination’….There are still some things I have even left unsaid to my therapist because they were so dark. I just can’t adequately express the extreme nightmare of the whole ordeal. It has finally backed off a little in the past year but the stalking still continues, from time to time.
It has taken me just about five years to figure this all out. I have it figured out now. I do. I wasn’t good enough ‘supply’. So, instead of leaving the relationship in a ‘good position’, to ppaths, they must destroy that what they can’t have. He has NEVER been able to ‘have me’. NEVER. I never wanted him; I was pushed and manipulated by all the ‘pity ploys’, ‘gaslighting’, lovebombing…I had something “IT wanted…it doesn’t want to go to jail so I would assume that perhaps “IT” has finally taken a big bite off that reality. I AM STRONGER THAN “IT”….
Thanks for your wishes and they are coming right back at YA!!!! You take good care of yourself. You sound like you have a good, healthy, outlook; you keep that up because this life is for us just as much as it is everyone else. We aren’t asking for much, just to be treated with dignity and kindness, truthfully and in earnest, but these ‘beings’ just don’t know what that means. We have to accept that and take care of ourselves now.
(((Big hugs New Beginning))))
Happy Independence Day, 2012!!!!!
Dupey
FirstVictim: Stay true to yourself. Remember your value and your worth and who you are. Remember that person “IT” was attracted to and reclaim your empowerment. Don’t worry about the others. They will find out in their own time. Worry about you. Take care of yourself and don’t allow the emotional abuse to claim you. It will if you let it.
I will pray for your safe passage through this journey.
Dupey
First victim,
Sorry that you have experienced all these slaps iin the face, but KEEP IN MIND, that while she may have “what you wanted” in terms of material things, she HAS HIM, and while he may give her the things that you wanted, HE HAS NO LOVE TO GIVE HER and believe me, she knows it, she FEELS it.
Having a baby “naturally” versus “C section” is no big deal….don’t let that sort of thing bother you…and as far as the kids they have together, those kids ALSO GET NO REAL LOVE, and they will eventually know it too.
Don’t think that he gives her or them any real happiness, evenn though it may LOOK like it from a bit of a distance, IT IS A SHAM, A FAKE….AN IMAGE, but it is NOT real.
Back From the Edge: Thank you for such a timely post regarding “mind control”. It so happened that I’ve been thinking of my brother this morning whose wife of 5 years (2nd marriage, he is in his 50’s) is that same type of P. The mind control she has over him is unbelievable and total – to the point that he doesn’t see his two young grandchildren who only live 45 minutes away from him. He’s never been to one of their birthday parties or seen the house his son purchased last year. My brother’s children are perplexed by it, as am I. As you know this mind control can be extensive and all encompassing. The only conclusion I’ve been able to reach is that she has indeed completely brainwashed him. She also happens to be a psychologist – go figure.
I consider that type of P to be far worse than what my ex is. Mine tried to eliminate me numerous times and led an extensive double life. There was significant deceit and manipulation (to cover the deceit) but he didn’t try to keep me from family members, etc. If I didn’t have the experience with my P, I’m not sure I would be able to see the depth of my SIL’s evilness. She used to play games with my Mom too – all control related and my Mom knew it. But she wanted to see her son so she tolerated the games. I expect the recovery from this type of P is more challenging than it is with my type of P. I haven’t seen as much on LF about this type of total mind control and I think it’s important information to have out there.
Thank you for sharing.
New Beginning,
Cog/dis is caused by seeing a kind or concerned facial expression on a person whom only has malice toward you.
The spaths know this intuitively and they’re careful to play with different facial expressions. My spath-brother’s face was so sad when he said, “are you going to be mad at me forever?” I was shocked to see such a human expression on a person that I KNOW has no humanity.
One thing that really helped me break out of cog/diss with my spath was that he held me and said, “I LOVE you!” just the day before I figured out that he was trying to take my bank accounts and put the business into his name and that he never loved me. To see such a perfect performance of love, right before the mask slipped, helped me to grasp exactly what kind of actor I was dealing with. Then I knew the whole 25 years had been an act. It sends the mind reeling to know that a person that can fake it for so long.
I think that if he had continued to be an asshole, like he had been for most of the last few years, then I wouldn’t have really caught on. But the juxtaposition of those two faces, so close to each other, plus the additional information about what he wanted to do, really helped to wake me up.
Speaking of cog-dis, this is one of those pivotal experiences that takes on monumental meaning in the aftermath, and lives on, into eternity like an image, frrozen in time.
X hub and I were at an out-door celebration at a park, It was job related and I think it may have been a going away party for one of hubs female navy recruits.
A girl walked up to me and asked if she could talk to me for a second. We walked away to a private place, and she told me, “your husband LOVES you SOOOOOO much.” Then she went on to say, “all he ever talks about is you.”
WTF? I didn’t know ANY of these people, but they were near and dear to hub. Hub was NEVER home, had no intimacy with me, rarely held a meaningful conversation with me, critisized constantly, day-dreamed in some far away place about other women….In short, he had a second life that I was not a part of, and this girl is telling me, what?
I can’t even tell you what I felt
, at that moment. Confusion. Anger. Contempt for her. For him? His dupes attempting to unknowingly dupe me.
It didn’t bring me peace of mind or sway me. I knew what was going on. It was the attempt to instill cog-dis that pissed me off.
What arrogance for some female I had never met, to assume to tell me what my husband felt about me.
As Truthy would say, “PFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT.”