Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
New Beginning: Oh yes, the mind control was unbelievable. It sent me into a state of psychosis that was very difficult to come out of. “IT” thought it very humorous and comical to see me struggling and would taunt me: “You are crazy….” Yep, I guess I was…for falling for any of that garbage. I was seriously psychologically harmed by this being and like “IT” spewed once, to me: “What’s wrong with you, that you let it happen?” As it walked away laughing.
Hm…same type of PPath? Oh yes, I am real aware of that kind of mind control. You know, it had to take them their entire lifetimes to learn how to manipulate people like that. Or, is it just a natural, inherent, evilness within them?
When my x ppath couldn’t win my affections, then the ugliness set in. When I refused to let him move into my life and take control because I saw those red flags going off…even still, it was quite a battle to wage with the devil himself. I am doing much better these days but it has taken a few years of focusing and realizing the truths.
It has taken a lot of struggling and changing. My PTSD files have grown extensively because of all of this.
EXTENSIVE MULTIPLE DOUBLE LIVES.
Oh yes, I know all about ‘multiple lives’. The deeper I dug, for information, the deeper I went into finding resolution and explanation, the more I uncovered and it is absolutely mind boggling. It amazes and shocks me even more to have uncovered everything I have about this ‘being’.
Oh yes, the ‘mind control’ and the ‘domination’. I am telling you, I am a very strong person and I was whisked away by it just like in a hurricane force wind. Very skilled at their deceptions and manipulations, they are. Almost to the point of criminality and so far in my therapy and recovery, the professionals are starting to see it and do consider it criminal. I don’t know if the charges will ever be picked up by the professionals and authorities but it sure looks like it is heading that way. There is a lot of financial responsibility to be weighed in all of this. I have been in treatment the past almost five years. I was held captive in my own mind. “IT” knew all the right buttons to push. It almost caused my demise in more ways than one. I know it’s difficult to understand. But it happened to me.
This has been a horrible intentional and willful act of psychological abuse. People would think, just like I used to think, that we all have our own thoughts and decisions and choices…how could anyone be controlled that way? But, believe me, I used to think the same way until this ‘being’ came along….now I know how easily Charles Manson’s followers were sucked along the way they were….
I never have done anything ugly or illegal for him. I have always been stronger than him. That is why he wants to decimate me. That and because I shirked his affections…he has always known I am on to him.
We don’t live in the same city. Thank God. It’s easy to block him out of my life and just ignore him. When he gets tired of being ignored (and ppaths absolutely HATE being ignored) he inflicts himself into my space some how with a text, an email…although I have him blocked, technically, from contacting me, he manages to swing it in the cyber world. I suppose that is one thing that made him really good at what he did in the war…..cyber connections.
He is an internet whore, ladies…one who is charming and sweet and proper until you get to know him….then the monster comes out. That American Hero that everyone just absolutely LOVES and HE has learned how to play it to his advantage. Yes, I am absolutely POSITIVE of his service. I am also positive that his ugliness was there before he ever went away to war in the first place.
You all will probably read about him, some day, I am sure. He is putting himself out there, in the media, as a magnificent patriot…not excluding him from the accolades, he truly does deserve in that regard, I believe that the lifestyle he has acquired since returning, absolutely tarnishes and removes any sense of valor in his actions, whatsoever, during his time of service.
He is just a messed up, sick individual, who knows he is but refuses any and all treatment, no matter what anyone tries to do for him. He only wants you in his life if you serve him a purpose. If you can’t, you are useless to them. And when you become useless to them, they try to decimate you, however they can. They don’t like being ‘outted’. They don’t like it at all if you pull that mask off their face and expose them for who they truly are. At that point, they try to suck your very soul away from you. If they can’t do it, physically, by being near you, they taunt you with horrid psychological torments. I know. That is how I have lived the past five years. Controlled by a psychopath. That’s a lot of conditioning to overcome.
I am fortunate that I have a counselor who completely understands where I am at. It’s like I have been stuck in that ‘deer in the headlights’ frame of mind, for the past five years. I was conditioned to not let go but to keep accepting it. And it was all built upon my kindness.
Now, I don’t know what you think, but that is a pretty horrid place to be. When I wouldn’t let it near me, the threats began. Why? Because I befriended someone I THOUGHT was the person they were protraying to be?
Thank YOU for sharing, New Beginning. Thanks for recognizing what I am talking about. It is difficult to ‘get it’, people being manipulated that well, but it happens and it happens sometimes to the aware of us…
It just sends chills down my spine, like that moment in all good horror movies, where the girl is walking around the corner and suddenly……………..!!! I am stuck and have been stuck AT THAT POINT for the past five years and it has done horrible things to me physically, medically, psychologically and emotionally. I am learning again how to be me.
HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY IN AMERICA!!
LOVE AND BLESSINGS TO ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
Dupey
Kim,
that is so strange. I believe you’re right. What is strange is that someone who doesn’t even KNOW you, would have so much malice toward you. She’d never even MET you, yet something that your ex-hub said to her, made her despise you.
That is exactly what I experienced. It boggles the mind.
Not only did your husband feel the need to create envy and hatred toward you, but the fact that he was able to do it, really points towards a psychopathic personality.
Kim: I feel exactly the same way.
That is the HEIGHT of betrayal, in my book.
(((Hang in there Kim, we know who we are!)))
Dupey
skylar: you are right. he made her despise. he manipulated someone elses emotions to hurt and stab through the heart. I recognize the ploy.
Yes, they talk about us…because they know they lost.
In my case, “IT” made others hate me; people I don’t even know. So that he had a good reason for why we were no longer together. He told lies and developed a following of hatred to help protect himself. And then convinced himself. His minions? They come out of no where, at any time, on the phone, or up close and personal…
Imagine what that is like?
Living on the edge…
Definitely psychopathic personality, I would say.
Be safe Kim.
Dupey
Skylar-
Thank you for your insight. It is a signifcant error on their part when they wear the emotional expressions too close to exposing their evil intent. Thankfully it allowed you to get away from your brother before he could put his plans into full action mode.
Sadly I don’t think anyone or anything will be able to get my brother out of this web his wife has woven around him. It’s reached the point where I am unable to communicate with him without her being privvy to it all. She’s convinced him not to answer the phone or email unless she is there. I truly don’t recognize him at all and we’d been close for our entire lives before she came along. Horrible, absolutely horrible.
Back From the Edge,
Your situation sure sounds a lot like my brother’s in regards to the mind control. He’s not willing to admit it to himself yet but I see the “disconnect” in his eyes and expression when he is behaving the opposite of what he previously would have. If I wasn’t watching it myself and if I didn’t know my brother so well I truly would not believe it. You are right – it is the Charles Mason / Jim Jones type of mind control. I’ve very concerned for his well being but the more I’ve tried to step in (just by being more involved in his life), the worse it gets. You’ve given me hope that when something happens that he cannot ignore, that he will find a way out of the web of deceit. There is true evil that walks among us.
This reminds me of a number of years ago before my ex’s mask was off, I mentioned to my ex that I didn’t want to be home alone when his brother was coming over to take care of some computer networking thing. My ex went into a full blown 30 minute rampage about his brother NOT being evil…….and all I said is that I felt a “little” uncomfortable around him. All sorts of bells & whistles went off at that point.
Kim,
That is REALLY creepy. I swear they run in packs. Another case of them knowing the words but not the music. They also don’t get the “too much info” thing either but that does help provide clues for us. A few times I caught my ex trying to appear sympathetic to a woman’s plight who he supposedly only knew on a business level with using extremely personal info…….the kind of stuff no one would share unless they had developed some type of bond. When I questioned the level of how personal this info was and my surprise that he knew it he just responded with “yeah, she just came out with all that info when I went to her office yesterday for some “fill in the blank” business related thing. Busted. Again. She ended up being fired despite being employed there for 25 years. The business was a client of a business that I co-owned with my ex and of course we lost all that work too. I don’t know the details but they must have been caught in the middle of something though I believe this woman is an empath who was caught up in my ex’s deception of the week. They sure do wreak a lot of havoc.
I continue to be totally amazed at the shear number of cold hearted and downright mean people there are. I think I’ll continue with my almost hermit lifestyle for awhile longer.
~New
New Beginnings,
My spath brother wasn’t the one who was trying to take my business, that was my ex-spath. Sorry, I wasn’t clear.
I was making 2 different examples of spaths wearing fake emotions on their faces.
After I discovered that my spath was a spath, I ran to my parents’ home where my brother promptly took over the abuse. He scratched himself and called the cops to have me arrested for dv. Why? because he was envious that my parents had made him live in a storage room, but they gave me a nice bedroom with a view. They didn’t plan it that way, and in the past, they bought him a mobile home, which he kicked and trashed. I should have known he was a spath but I was only just learning about them, at that time.
Since then, they have both tried the pity ploy (ex-spath and spath-bro) and the charm to try to get back in my good graces. Obviously, it was too much fun attacking me and they miss it.
You took the words out of my mouth when you said, “I continue to be totally amazed at the shear number of cold hearted and downright mean people there are.” It was and still is beyond my wildest imagination. I was happier, I think, being blind to that reality.
Well I now know it’s official. I had mentioned in a previous post that myspath had called and wanted me to give him a reference to a real estate agent so he could rent a house. (I assumed it was for he and his new girlfriend). I’m not a vendictive person so I said fine, give her my number.
She called today to check. Did he pay his rent on time? Did he leave any damage when he lift? Normal questions from someone renting a house. I gave him a good reference. She mentioned that she was leaning toward two individuals to rent the house to but felt he was the more dependable, and he wanted to rent the house for he and his girlfriend.
So there it was. Out in the open and TRUE. I had ideas that that was what was up. Looks like he is up to his old tricks again. It was just one month ago that he had told me he was going to come to my house for his vacation (June 18th) so we could discuss things and see if there was still any chance for us. I had agreed, but when I sensed something was going on I sent him an e-mail telling him we needed to speak (by phone) before hand, AND I WANTED NO LIES THIS TIME! That was the last time I heard from him until the phone call about the reference.
So, according to this timetable he found and fell in love with someone he was going to move in with in less than a month. BS I’m sure he was seeing her all along and trying to keep me on the back burner just in case this new one didn’t work out.
Truthly, I am quite upset. It is only this blog that helps me keep my head on as strait as possible. I hope his new girlfriend doesn’t take as long as I did to realize what he is.
When we first were trying to get together we were supposed to look for a place together. Never happened. We stayed in a motel for a week and he disappeared one day. Why I ever took him back confuses the hell out of me.
To close I will say, thanks to all you great people. If I didn’t have you I don’t know where I would be. If I could give out medals I would.
As a PS. Am still so upset I’m missing the 4th celebrations. By next year I’m sure this will all be over and I really enjoy it. Thanks again.
Skylar, thank you for the clarification. Spath here, spath there, spaths everywhere. What a thing for your brother to do…….how did your parents react?
Stormy, I’ve reached the point where I just go to things like the fireworks by myself. After being snowed for 30 years I’m still not ready to let anyone new into my life…….and I’m ok with that.
New Beginning,
My parents reacted with a lot of drama, but nothing has changed. He still lives there with them. When a spath knows there will be no consequences, he does whatever he wants.
Stormy,
Forgive me for not remembering the details of your story. Did you ever live together? Was he paying YOU rent? Why did you live in a motel for a week with him?
I ask because I wonder if this whole referral thing wasn’t a set up to make you feel envious. I’m glad you weren’t vindictive, because when we try to strike back, they get feedback that we give a cr*p about them. And they love that.
skylar,
We lived together for 20 years. He did chip in for expenses when he was working, not so much the first 10, but got a real good job and has been there 10 years. That’s when all the problems started. See, he didn’t need me anymore. He had his own money. When I had to move out of state for a family emergency he stayed to pay off his new car and was supposed to follow in year. The year will be October.
I’m sure the referral thing was true.
When we first got together we moved into a motel (before I knew he was married). We were going to look for a place to rent, but he went to work one day and never came back. Left me in the motel wondering what had happened. It was only after I called him at work did he agree to get together and tell me the truth. Boy was I stupid, I took the fool back even though I knew he was married.
Boy the lies I could tell you he told me. I should write a book. It helps me to tell some of the terrible things he did because I hope that soon I will get so mad at him I will put him right out of my mind.
I have decided to start a journal and write all these horrible things down. Then when I get weak I’m going to read them to myself. Hope this works. I know I don’t love him any more that’s why this is driving me so crazy. This betrayal bond is the biggest problem.