Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
I agree Stormy, it is extremely difficult to get past the betrayal. Things are getting better for me in that regard but I still have my days.
So true Sky. It sounds like the way my former in-laws family operates.
Stormy, the spath contacted you to get what he wanted- a reference for his new pad, and to check up whether you were available, as you say yourself as backup. Go NC, and my advice for what its worth, don’t get involved again,you are being nice, they see this as a weakness. He may pop back up, he may not, but you are the one in control of contact ..not him!
I have several men friends ..nothing more, but one who after last night I am now certain is a spath. A few red flags previously, and due to the fact I simply will not take the charm bait dangling on a great big hook ..this week the bait has been made even more juicy and its full on bombing, pity me ploys etc. I’ve had ‘I must see you’ (I am working away from home), ‘so I will drive 200 miles to take you out for dinner’; then he sits there telling me all his pitiful stories ..horrible ex wife, horrible mother, horrible father etc etc. Followed by how successful he is, travel, sooo many friends, blah,blah, blah.
At one point mid pity me ploy I was clearly smirking as he asked ‘if I thought something was funny’, I said it ‘was wind’ (as you do) and went to the bathroom so I could have a giggle in private. A few years ago I would have fell for this BS hook line and sinker … not anymore. They really are quite transparent when you know what to look for …thanks to this site ..its the ones who are family who are pure evil ..and very vindictive and dangerous ..as Skylar’s abuse demonstrates. My ex husband spath and his new wife (now ex) turned their venom on my children, both spaths of course and when NC was maintained by us, they got their fix by turning on each other.
I have predictably had 5 text messages and 3 voice mails telling me ‘what a wonderful evening he had and could we do it again soon’ … methinks not, NC and with any luck it will slither off elsewhere ..we’ve all lived the spath drama ..and I don’t want to be part of that particular play ever again.
Happy 4th of July to you all in the US.
Stormy,
I do remember your story now –the part about the motel had confused me for a minute. I’m impressed that you had the wherewithal to know that you don’t love him and that you are just missing what was familiar. I went through that too, even knowing he wanted me dead. It’s some kind of nostalgia, I think, with a little bit of cog/diss mixed in there.
I hope you’re doing lots of fun things to distract yourself from your old life and move on to better things. Just don’t ever forget the red flags.
Movingon,
speaking of red flags…congrats to you for recognizing them so quickly. Yep, in the past I would have fallen for each of those ploys, because, why would he lie? right?
Spaths don’t need a reason to lie and, fortunately for us, all their lies sound the same!! charm, pity and rage. over and over again. You’d think they’d bore THEMSELVES to death!
Well at least they are predictable and we can learn to recognize the behaviors. It looks pretty much the same, whether it’s a man, woman or child, spaths are spaths.
They are definitely predictable. If there as nothing else I learned about spathy-ness, it’s that.
Here is a great thread I found. It was posted in 2007 – long before I met my spath, and long before I found this site.
Worth another read for everybody. A zebra never changes his stripes.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/08/10/is-every-pathologic-liar-a-psychopath-or-a-sociopath/
xoxo
Athena
My daughter is my spath’s “new love”. I hope and pray that she has a strong soul. God, please, release her from the sociopath! I love her with a whole and genuine heart. He has her convinced that I do not, and she follows.
TooLate, I’m sorry that the spath continues creating carnage. Maybe, at some point, she will realize what’s happening and save herself.
Strong, bright blessings to you….
Good Morning Folks,
Here it is 6:00 am and I woke up crying about an hour ago. This has been a hard couple of days for me. I think that finding out my spath really had a new girlfriend and was going to rent a house for her has wounded me to the core.
When I first turned the computer on I was going to send him an email telling him that he was a coward for not telling me himself but letting me know through his real estate agent. After 20 years how heartless can you get. Then I started remebering some of the things that happened when we first got together. He was supposed to leave his wife and we would rent a place together. Thats when he left me in the motel room. But now he’s going to rent one for her. Instead of sending him an email I came to this site for encouragement.
I don’t need to tell him anything. He never cared for me anyway. The one person I would like to talk to is his previous wife. I would like to apologize to her from the bottom of my heart for all the misery I caused in her life. Luckily she moved on and remarried, but I know I caused her hell on earth.
After I found out he was married, we still saw each other, and I asked my husband to move out of our house, which he did. Many times my spath would move some of his clothes into my house stating that he had left her for good. The next thing I know he was moving out again and back with her. I can’t remember how many times this happened. I was always stupid enough to take him back. He had a strangle hold on me even then.
He must be conning this new one too since he had professed his love for me only one month ago. I just hope some day he is hurt the way he has hurt others.
I know I am going to have a few really bad days right now but will keep posting here and continuing NC.
Today is Thursday. I know Friday will be a little better!
Stormy, I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. This is just temporary – it will soon pass.
When that hurt passes, you’ll feel some relief that you’re finally out, on your own, much wiser, and that you can make good, sound decisions. You’ll trust yourself, more. You’ll love yourself – and, that “love” isn’t the narcissistic love that people incorrectly associate with “self-love.” It’s the joyous appreciation of your place in this vast Universe.
Gentle hugs to you – TODAY will be a bit better after you have some coffee! 😀
stormy:
And you don’t love him??