Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
In my case NO, the second wife does not receive love!
I am the second wife. We met after he had been divorced for over two years.
I was a real estate agent. We met at an open house and he told me his first big lie within 45 minutes. He said he qualified for a VA loan but didn’t want to use his elligibility for mortgage financing. He had burned ALL of his medals on the Bismark court house’s steps at a protest rally and his “integrity” would be compromised with VA financing!
Years after we had been married, I discovered that “Mr. MENSA” could not tell military time! Really…after supposedly spending at least 90 days in Viet Nam…he could not tell military time!
Since meeting in 1988, he has lied and made excuses…almost to perfection! Any time I’ve questioned him, he’s either made up a whopper of an explaination (excuse) or turned things back at me to make me feel badly for daring to question his superior honesty and integrity!
Bottyom line…I believed we both were madly in love when we got married. Knowing what I know now, I have no doubts that we both were extremely in love…WITH HIM! He is indifferent, standoffish, and cold with me, his second wife. He freely offends others by stating MY BELIEFS. He spouts “my wife thinks…about you! My wife is always telling me how she hates…blah, blah that you do. His favorite…that I’ve actually overheard…”It’s not a problem for me, but I need to ask you to …move this…stop doinf this…whatever…because I’m tired of hearing my wife complaing about it…and I have to live with her!
He married me because I was the only person he dated who had “THINGS”… for him to obtain and posess and withhold from me!
He has taken all of my money, my credit, and my hierlooms. He has acted as thoug all personal posessions are his to do with as he pleases.
Our “joint” account turns out to be an account that he opened.. my name added days later. I can’t even renew a credit card in my name because credit cards are approved through “His” (our joint…or so I was led to believe) bank account.
He manipulated me into having my commission checks made out directly to his company so that I could be covered under his medical plan. (Prior to this, I had always maintained excellent insurance coverage…paid for by myself.) So, he was able to invest my money for his company account…you know, the more he made the more he could invest…in his name. In the meantime, my real estate commission checks became his…I had no money in my name! If I walk out tomorrow, all funds wouldimmediately be cut off…how’s that for loving the second wife?
He has told his children that I hated them (not true by any stretch of my imagination…but unfortunately believeable by theirs). Of course, he’s told “tales” when I was not present, so who lnows what evil everyone thinks I might have perpretated.
Unfortunately, I have attempted to reveal his true self to others…my bad! Others now believe he’s a saint because he puts up with a looney toon like me! DUH…Of course he’s convinced others to believe many of the same lies that I used to believe. Knowing that he could persuade me, how can I now fault others for believing the same crap? I doubt that his ex-wife could have persuaded me to believe the real truth, so why should others believe me now?
So as the second wife I was led to believe that I faired better and was loved better…but only until I discovered HIS truth!
A slag is a slag! (Slag…slang originally meant an untrustworthy man… also is a substitute for slut).
I’ve been SLAGGED!
IMconfused, I am so sorry to read your experiences. My belief is that the next spouse fares FAR worse simply because the spath has learned new and more creative ways to manipulate through trial, and error, with the previous spouse.
Big hugs to you….
truthspeak
Unfortunately based upon myself and many other’ experiences, I do agree with you.
Interestingly, I really felt the need to mention that I met him AFTER his divorce from his fitst wife.
Socciety seems to believe that if the second (or third) wife was messing around with a sosiopath prior to his divorce, she deserves to be punished for being a home wrecker!
Rarely does anyone hold a sociopath responsible for slagging around to capture his/her next prey prior to any divorce. The sociopath is usually portrayed as a “dupped victim” of the cunning second spouse…who is held responsible for destroying his marriage and/or family.
So, the second wife has gotten what she deserved…she was a manipulating slag and he was her spineless victim.
Thanks for the hugs!
Louise, Just saw your post.
No, I don’t still love him. That is what is driving me crazy. When I relocated I called him and told him that I believed my feelings had changed. We spoke by phone almost daily and he was supposed to come out for vacation at the end of June when we were supposed to have a serious face to face.
That said, he left me a confusing phone mail message and I emailed him I needed the truth. No more lies. That was the last I heard from him. He never came for vacation just called me for a reference for his RE agent since he had lived with me for 20 years. So he could rent it with his new girlfriend.
Now, I don’t love him, so why do I feel like my heart has been torn from my chest?
I know that this will pass but am really confused as to why it happened in the first place. I even went to the Doctor and had her check my Thyroid. She put me on pills and I need to go back this month to see if they did any good.
If I still loved him I could understand. I just feel like such a jerk to have loved him for all those years when he didn’t give a dam.
Tomorrow is another day!
op
Stormy,
I didn’t read about your “reference” request from your slagger, but here’s the reference I’d include for my slagger.
He’s good at handling monitary affairs (grin) and proactively protects his finances. He is very conciencious and cunning in business planning. I might state some of his made up accomplishments and/or credentials…stated by him…but unconfirmed by anyone else. Make sure they are stated as coming from HIM…not me.
I’d bare in mind that any bad reference from me has already been preempted by him laying seeds of doubt…you know a scorned woman might state untruths…so consider the source might be someone who wants to get even with me for leaving her…but she was nuts…yada…yada…yada.)
A reference that praised his abilities might seem be even better than stated if coming from someone who is possibly holding a grudge against him. So, I’d want to at least somehow imply that he’s good a looking out for HIS best interests…then leave it up to the reader to recognize what actual traits were really being pointed out.
That said…it’s best to ignore his requests! If called for a reference I’d somehow make it clear that he can be trusted to do what is best for HIMSELF. If someone or a business also benefits that’s just an added aside.
I don’t know what this “reference” request is all about, but please don’t allow him to use you to promote himself. That would make you an accessory to his lies…arrrgh!
Stormy,
Ask for information as to how to contact his RE agent to give a reference directly to that person.
You are likely to not receive that information from him…but that lack of information gives you ammo
if someone says that you refused his request.
Perhaps he really did not want your reference at all. Is it possible that he used that request as a rouse to “get ya” one more time and make sure that you knew that you knew that he’d always have a victim to make his life seem wonderful?
Please be aware that you’ve already allowed him too occupy too much space in your brain. It’s time to kick the slag out! Don’t allow him free rent…ya, I know that this is much easier to say than do.
Stay strong…one day at a time.
Hugs.
IMconfused:
She already gave the reference.
Louise,
What did she say in her reference? I can’t find that post.
Parallelogram, I’m surprised that Stormy’s ex didn’t slag her into granting him some ownership of her house. The fact that she still owns her own home…not him…is fortunate for her. Every once in a while a SP messes up and doesn’t take ownership of everything. Yippee!
op