Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Thank you to all of you who write and post here! I had no Internet connection for several weeks, during which time the word “rape” kept popping into my head. I didn’t feel justified in calling it rape, I tried to dismiss it, but I wanted to tell the world that this is how it feels to be taken in by one of these predators! And waiting for me when I had Internet access again was the article posted here about the similarities between rape and this kind of violation. It’s so incredibly calming to read your stories and to not be so alone in my new understanding of pathology–or in the pain I feel as a result.
Yesterday, I read this post about the pathological person in a new relationship. Last night, I discovered that while I was away, one of my friends, F, began dating a girl who is friends with Nick’s girlfriend. F had been telling this girl about the psychopath I’d dated, and she realized she’d heard some of the details before–from her friend’s perspective! This other woman, I learned, is now living with Nick in a neighboring state. Within three months of meeting him and within weeks of learning that he’d been MY boyfriend, too, for their entire relationship, she quit her job and made the monumental decision to move in with him! At first, I was in shock. Then I judged her for being so stupid. Then I remembered how it felt to be love bombed. And then I remembered this posting. Thank you again for this community and these wise words!
IMconfused:
Here is what stormy said:
Well I now know it’s official. I had mentioned in a previous post that myspath had called and wanted me to give him a reference to a real estate agent so he could rent a house. (I assumed it was for he and his new girlfriend). I’m not a vendictive person so I said fine, give her my number.
She called today to check. Did he pay his rent on time? Did he leave any damage when he lift? Normal questions from someone renting a house. I gave him a good reference. She mentioned that she was leaning toward two individuals to rent the house to but felt he was the more dependable, and he wanted to rent the house for he and his girlfriend.
Well folks I’m back blogging again. Even though I walked around all day feeling like there was a hole in my chest I did do a few good things for myself.
I had my blood rechecked to see if my Thyroid medication is in the correct dosage. I keep hoping that this is the reason I feel so terrible and not that I am Betrayal Bonded.
I also had a long talk with my ex-husband and apologized for all the agony I caused him when I got together with my spath. He was quite understanding and told me it was all his fault. We have become good friends, we both loved each other, we just couldn’t live together. He lives with my daughter and he is the “family illness” I mentioned in previous blogs. When my daughter called and told me how sick he was, renal failure, and needed dialysis three times a week that’s when I put the house on the market. Since then he has been diagnosed with two types of cancer and is starting radiation 5 times a week. I needed to be here for my family and the spath was invited to come but chose to buy a new car and stay in CA.
I wish I could have the same talk with the spath’s ex-wife but figured better left alone.
I’m going to try and concentrate on what I do have (my family) rather than what I don’t have, my spath. If only this pain would go away.
Stormy reconciling with your ex husband is a good thing. If I may suggest, it sounds like your family really needs you right now.
You say you are sad you don’t have your spath. Actually, I think you should be GREATFUL. Who wants a lying, evil, hurting, painful, cheating, son of a bitch in their lives? Not me, not you.
That’s what he is, that’s ALL he is.
You know how Sandusky had this image of being good, but in reality it was all pretend bullshit because at his core he was EVIL? That’s your spath.
Run!
Stormy reconciling with your ex husband is a good thing. If I may suggest, it sounds like your family really needs you right now.
You say you are sad you don’t have your spath. Actually, I think you should be GREATFUL. Who wants a lying, evil, hurting, painful, cheating, son of a bitch in their lives? Not me, not you.
That’s what he is, that’s ALL he is.
You know how Sandusky had this image of being good, but in reality it was all pretend bullshit because at his core he was EVIL? That’s your spath.
Run!
Good Morning Folks,
Had a really bad day yesterday but something good has come out of it.
I was so bad off when my daughter came to pick up her son (my grandson) at my house she knew something was wrong. I had told her previously why I thought I was having this problem with the Betrayal Bond.
It was a brief conversation a couple of days ago. When she asked what was wrong, then I passed it off as “I think I’m addicted to Spath”. I also told her I was working on the problem and blogging on this site. Well, last night we had a longer conversation about my problem.
It was actually a Spath bashing! Neither my son (45) or my daughter (36) ever liked him. She even asked me at one time why I was with him. I told her it was because he made me laugh, and that was true.
Well last night she revealed to me that years ago she and her brother were having a conversation about why I was with my Spath and my son made the remark “I think she is addicted to him.” Guess I was addicted then and it showed.
Today is going to be a better day. I received the book I ordered from Amazon titled: How to Fall Out of Love ”“ How to free yourself of love that hurts ”“ and find the love that heals . . . by Dr. Debora Phillips. I originally went to Amazon to buy the book the Betrayal Bond but read some of the reviews that said although the book was great at explaining the cause it really didn’t give to much information or help on how to cure yourself. Thats when I found this book.
I have only gotten past the first few chapters (can be technical, written by Doctors) but am getting to the part where they recondition you to NOT think about your spath. In the book they call it behavior therapy. The book actually contains a list of steps to take and how to take them until you are cured. Haven’t finished the first exercise they give you so can’t comment on how good their recommendations are. Plan on reading more and working the plan. I will keep you posted on my results.
Tonight I am going to my daughters house and will spend the night. This is the beginning of her 2 week vacation and we are going to have a party and I’m bringing the Champagne! I’m sure it will turn into another Spath bashing but he deserves a good one. And I deserve a party. A party to celebrate that this pig is no longer in my life. I’ll have a toast for each and every one of you that have helped me. Thanks bunches.
Dear Stormy! Good for you, a party is called for that he is out of your life and you are starting to heal. Keep on reading this blog, there are hundreds (no lie!) of great articles and start reading them and keep on reading, and you will start to heal!
Have fun at the party!
Stormy, GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, guess what? The party should be all about STORMY. Bash the ess-oh-bee for what he farking IS, and delight in what a survivor YOU are!
Champagne…..mmmm……have some for me, Stormy, and a toast to your emergence from that toxic dump!
HUGS
IMconfused, you were once my nightmare of new gf and then new wife. Of course you were made to ‘hate’ the children and ex-wife and kept away because if you had been even let near them ‘alone’ you would have found out it was all BS. Classic spath behaviour. I was supposed to be an adulteress etc ..of course my children knew better attempted rape, DV, violence to them, fraud etc the normal stuff of a spath.
Take care and hugs ..not a nice journey ..but worth it really ..I guess what Donna has always said it was the making of her, taking back control but life is a journey. A spath is just the roller coaster along the way on a ‘normal’ path. Well that is how I now see it even after 20 years ..I am near the get off point, have a nice day stage where we all get to eventually! Only my children keep me on the roller coaster but they got off years ago!
Stormy ..so well done ..you are taking back your life!
Stormy I am eager to hear if the book helps. I bet it will.
Athena