Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Stormy,
Have a great party and fun bashing the dirty bugger!
I think that the more you talk about his short comings the quicker your heart will realize that life with him was a life robbed of joy.
Have you tried writing two lists…one with the pluses and one with the negatives? If you did, I bet one list would be a lot shorter than the other.
When going through my divorce from my first husband, I drew a vertical line down the center of a piece of legal sized paper. That was 28 years ago, but as I recall, the positive side included less than 10 items…at least 1/3 of those were stretching the truth. The negative list covered the entire right hand side…and at least half again as much on the back side of the paper.
A few weeks after separating, it occurred to me that if we did get together again life would likely become miserable within two weeks of living together.
Maybe with the help of your daughter…and a few drinks of champaigne…you willl let your gaurd down enough to recognize how good it is to be free of his psycological abuse.
Years ago I worked with a gal whose husband had died a couple of years earlier. She’d talk about how she missed “Bob” and how wonderful their marriage was. One day another co-worker had had enough. she interupted the weeping widow and shouted “stop that”. “You know that he was a terrible man who beat you on a regular basis. Stop glorifying him. He was a miserable human being and you’re much better off without him!”
Interestingly, that iwas the last time I heard the widow praise Bob. In fact, I seem to recall that she started dating about one month later.
Are you morning the death of a relationship that might have seemed good…at times…maybe?
Stormy, it is 100% NORMAL to grieve our losses. At some point, we come to understand that what we “lost” was just a carefully crafted illusion – a series of beliefs that were deliberately generated by a soul-less predator.
IMConfused, yeah…..”good man” was a term that I used to describe the recent exspath because he didn’t beat me up, rape me, stick a gun in my face, and threaten me with murder/suicide. LMAO!!!
Brightest blessings!!!
IMConfused, the example that you gave of the sobbing widow and the truth of the deased abuser is a glaring – GLARING – example of trauma-bond. She knew what he was, yet she still felt so much shame and guilt that she was compelled to adore him, even after he died. I sure hope she got involved in some counseling…..
Well folks, two steps forward, one step back.
Had a great time last night a my daughters house. We popped the cork and I had one glass and it hit me right away. I hadn’t had anything to drink since April. I had that nice warm fuzzy feeling when you forget everything. Her neighbors across the street had some family over and were partying also so we walked over and joined them. They are great people and really fun to be around. So there we were, a bunch of women drinking and gabbing about life in general. About 11:00 I had had enough so I walked across the street and went to bed.
At 4:00 am I woke up crying again. Just woke up and I was crying. My grandson was sleeping with me so I quietly got up and went to the kitchen. I don’t know what triggered the crying, I just was. Then I realized that, in a way, I was lucky the way things happened with my spath. We had had an argument back in April and didn’t speak for a couple of weeks and that’s when all this emotion started hitting me. Thats when I started investigating what the hell was wrong with me. I finally emailed him I was sorry for the things I said during the argument ( I was drunk so I don’t remember half the things I said) and I still wanted to be friends. (I had told him in December that I was re-evaluating our relationship and reinforced that when he came out for New Years Eve. (Made him sleep in another bedroom).
He was supposed to come out again for a weeks vacation on June 18th and we were supposed to have a long conversation on whether or not we could save the relationship. He cut off contact with me on June 4th when I told him I suspected something and wanted the truth on what was going on.
I think I realized this morning that had he come for the vacation I might have taken him in my arms and not let him go. I might have even paid off the loan on his Mustang just so I could be with him. What a mistake that would have been.
Now I know that he was seeing his new girlfriend at the time and wonder what he would have told her about his absence while he was with me. Or, he might have just not showed up and had me worry he was dead on the highway. He is capable of anything.
So now I sit here with a hangover feeling miserable again, and wanting to call him. But instead I’m here talking to my friends (you feel like friends even though we have never met). I know I will feel better later on. I am just so tired of this pain.
Once my head clears I’m getting back to reading my self-help book and following their instructions. Things have a way of working themselves out the way they were supposed to.
I sure am glad he’s in CA and I’m in AZ because until I become stronger I couldn’t stand seeing him again. The urge to call or email is great but hopefully I am strong enough now the go NC. That is the only way I am going to get over this. Any contact at all and he would have me hooked again, I don’t think I’m “unhooked” yet but am working on it.
As always, thanks for listening to my sob story.
Stormy,
Well it is possible you started dreaming about him and you don’t remember the dream (is why you started crying and woke up) and it may be a good idea to stay away from booze, or at least more than one drink at a time…and coming here and reading and blogging is a great thing to do when you feel “weak” it is a lot better than e mailing him!
Keep on learning. And I do recommend that you get Donna’s book about “Ten Red Flags of Love Fraud” and the free workbook that goes with it. I have read both and they are GREAT!~
Stormy…..gentle hugs to you. Spontaneous crying is a “normal” part of the process, so I’ve been taught and so I’ve learned.
We have NO idea what triggers this reaction, but it happens. Sometimes, it’s dwelling on what we’ve lost, what we might miss, or just plain emotional release.
It’s like what Tolkien wrote in his epic trilogy (paraphrasing, here): not ALL tears are “evil.” Often, tears come on like a strong summer storm, but leave the air fresh, clean, and new after the rains.
Hugs, and hugs…..I imagine I’ll be in for some more of that spontaneous crying, soon enough. Once things are over and done with, then it’ll be a blessing to grieve for MYSELF.
Brightest and most comforting blessings
Stormy,
Making the list really helped me. My list of things I liked and loved about Nick maybe totaled half a dozen, and half of those were contrivances. My list of things I hated or that were hurtful went on for two single-spaced pages–and those were the things I knew about BEFORE I figured out what he was! From now on, I’m going to create that list with everyone that I date. I’m going to journal all the details so that I can’t fool myself into buying into their false dreams. I hope you make your list and that you read it over and over again until it sticks. It makes all the difference.
Great idea, Hilary! I think I will follow your practice as well to help enable me to see the big picture. Otherwise it appears I have a tendency to focus on the short list of admiral qualities while dismissing those I do not want to fully recognize. What a lesson life with a MN/S/P is.
Be well.
~New
Hilary,
Thanks for the advice, but I had already made that list when these symptoms first occurred in April. There were 3 on the liked side and 27 on the don’t like side. This is why I thought I was going crazy or in need of some kind of medication. I couldn’t possible be in love with a man that did all those things that anoyed me. That’s when I went to the doctor for a checkup and started investigating on line. This is when I found this great site.
Hi old LF’s and all the new ones I now see.
To my old friends and “pillars” of support during my darkest hours I am sending many hugs and prayers your way. To all of the new faces I now see I can assure you that you have found the ONLY place in the world who understands your pains with not only knowledge but ultimate love and compassion.
I read this article and can assure any in doubt, THEY do not change and will treat the next the exact same way if not worse, it’s simply a matter of time. I have watched my ex-spath dupe and con several women (from a very far distance)over the past 2 years. All I can do is pray for these women and I truely believe that in time the spath will eventually get his, well whatever that really means, as they don’t really care or acknowledge any pain or recognize the errors of their ways.
A blogger by the name of EB once told me “even teflon scratches” when I once wrote mine had “balls of steel” man on man did she have something there. In my case my did not scratch but slithered away..I hope for good. He still does the dance but is alone in the game at leaste on my end.
I have found beauty again and beginning to discover happiness again. Its been a slow, long and painfull process..but it is beginning to happen. I would love to say it’s completely over, but that would not be true. It’s still there but I am beginning to reach that point of indifference Donna once spoke about that I could never comprehend or believe would ever happen.
Please stay strong and remember, BELIEVE, it it not you, nor was it ever you. It is them. They will not change. No other man or women out there can make them change. What you see or think are illusions.
Please be strong, and love yourselves. You have found the most wonderful sight on this subject. This sight and the many beautifull people here literally saved my life.