Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
I was not a wife but I can answer this one. I have recently taken to using the letters MN instead of just N – because the man who is the catalyst for my being here is a MALIGNANT NARCISSIST. There is a world of difference between a garden variety N and an MN imho.
I was a girlfriend in what I thought was a serious committed relationship (that was going to lead to marriage – thank God I escaped that and he was not one to rush you to the altar!).
I later found out about previous relationships and how badly they ended – he did the love bombing thing in telling me how I was so much better and would not break his heart like these women had but I knew something was off and just put it down to typical new relationship excess… (Ha – now I know new relationship excess is a big fat RED FLAG!)
Anyway – what I can tell you without a doubt is that the cycle is the same – the new woman is in the early stages and is probably as enamored and excited and hopeful as you were at one time.
I do not begrudge her that feeling at all because I know what comes next – – I feel extreme sorrow for her because next is the series of little things that start to make you feel insecure and question yourself and “what did I do wrong to make him so angry” – how do I twist myself into something beyond recognition in order to wrest the warmth and love I was once showered with?”
That is the testing phase – they want to know how much they can push you it by bit until you are a creature your friends and people who really love you do not recognize.
People with better boundaries and more knowledge of human nature don’t tolerate this crap – they probably learned the lessons early and they get the heck out because they can recognize and name monsters.
People like I once was – we don’t know there are real monsters in human form and we take responsibility for EVERYTHING…
Like in Mel’s article on Shifting The Blame where shame is being discussed in the thread – I somehow in childhood learned when someone was not happy it must be my fault and I MUST DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT FOR “THEM” – parents, “friends” (who were anything but) boyfriends, husband – anytime someone even began to express some sort of displeasure in anything – no matter how unrelated or how little power or responsibility I truly had over it I was immediately trying to figure out how to fix it.
(Fun example for you: Living 3,000 miles from home and having been gone for 5 years and being shamed by my mother for my siblings having bad grades in high school – because of course that was my fault… My loving mother still blames me for that and the subsequent life trajectory of said sib – (who is in fact a fine and wonderful a person and excellent parent…and has no idea their success in life is my responsibility…lol)
Sorry for the digression – short answer – THE NEW LOVE IS ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL – SHE/HE JUST DOESN’T KNOW IT YET. SHE WILL NOT BE SPARED ANYMORE THAN YOU WERE BUT SHE/HE WILL HAVE THE ADDITIONAL PLEASURE OF BEING USED TO TORTURE YOU IF POSSIBLE… Know that without a doubt. Know that in your heart and soul and have pity for the new person (IF they are truly innocents…and not P/S/N’s themselves)…
The wrenching agony and heart broken pains are still to come for them. Be glad you have escaped – and make sure you learn the lessons so you do not have to repeat it. I came after – from the outside in the beginning it looked like he would lay down in front of a car for me – at the end he was trying to kidnap me and use me as a body shield from his perceived persecutors. It sounds funny but yes – he tried to use my body as a shield for potential assassins. The stories I have of craziness- well I really need to write a book. The kind that makes people who are clueless laugh so hard tears come out of their eyes because it is just so unbelievable.
Marie, I’ve struggled with those thoughts as well. It’s all very difficult to deal with but at the end of the day I believe we’ve been given a gift to begin a new life that can be filled with people who truly do love us. One thing I know for sure is that I will never disregard the red flags again……ever.
You did the best thing for both you and your child. You left for survival and created an opportunity for both you and your child to thrive.
Hang in there!
~New
We truly are the lucky ones to have the awareness of what we are dealing with, to be able to learn more, grow, heal.
Thank you, New Beginnings, for your post and your support! I agree with you that we have been given a gift, a chance to start a new life. I can’t remember where I read this or who said it to me, but it was:
“When the bottom drops out in your life, it creates a new space to fill with new and exciting things.”
I love the positive message that sends when we are faced with loss and grief. It makes the trauma feel more bearable for me.
Thank you to everyone on this site who has ever sent me a positive message while I have struggled with the feelings and choices. I haven’t been on LF very long, but it has given me so much in the short time I have had the honoor of calling myself a member of our special community. Through the books, the articles, and the comments and shared experience, I believe I have grown so much in my own understanding of what happened and how to prevent entanglements with disordered people in the future.
I am almost 1 year NC with my ex Spath and his family. If anyone had told me a year ago that I could do everything that I have done in the past year almost completely alone with a small child to care for, I would have thought you had gone mad!
I have finally learned (and believe) that I am made of much stronger stuff than I ever thought. And I am relieved that I am making better choices that promote health, healing, and most importantly, model good choices and behavior to my growing Angel! It was through becoming pregnant and wanting to raise her with high self esteem and spare her growing up in chaos that I became motivated to change.
Donna has,as usual, got this one exactly right. Let us just be reminded that not all sociopaths are males. Often they are female and the victims/survivors can be of either gender. Just a reminder.
All sociopaths ARE BAD period.
Indeed wguy, and I think in many instances they can wreak more havoc in the lives of family members than their male counterparts do. My brother married one (2nd marriage) 5 years ago and she is FAR worse than the man I was married to for 30 years. Not to mention that she is in her 50’s and keeps hitting on my young adult son. It really is disgusting. My son is mortified by it. To top it all off, she is a psychologist who thinks that suicidal people are making it all up for attention. She actually thinks it’s funny…..no kidding.
My best to you on your recovery & journey, wguy.
~New
Take from What is a Psychopath
“Like the narcissist, the psychopath has an arrogant, disdainful, and patronizing attitude; however, let me make this clear: often in the initial stages of charming someone new, the true character is kept hidden, naturally. That is why, when a woman warns another woman about a psychopathic man, his newest victim will not be able to believe the bad stories about him. “But he’s so charming, so kind, so nice…” and so forth will be her reply. Yes. Exactly. He is playing a game with you too.”
You’re welcome Marie, and a thank you to you as well. Your achievements over the past year are an inspiration to many, myself included.
I like the quote about the bottom dropping out. I think I’ll put that one up on the fridge to remind myself to keep moving forward each and every day.
Be safe, be proud (you’ve done so much!) and be well. 🙂
New Beginning, Thanks for your kind words. Yes I think female sociopaths can be worse too. My ex-“friend” is now in her 50’s and unfortunately I know from personal experience (decades ago now) that she’ll hit on any age group (young or old). Thanks.
By the way, does anyone know how one goes about posting one’s personal story? Just wondering
New Beginning
Jesus! Your brothers wife has to be a contender for Worst. Psychologist. Ever.
Is he making plans to break from her? Or is he still all entangled? Urgh!
My sympathies..at least your son has not been sucked in. Things could be worse if she had succeeded in seducing him.
Donna,
Such a pertinent article. I have come to understand the nuts and bolts of why I feel this crazy attachment to someone who used me and tossed me aside when he had his fill.
I loved him. He, on the other hand never loved me.
A simple statement
…… But one which has had huge ramifications. It could be the bitterest pill I’ve ever had to swallow. Then again…….