Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
coping: so nice to read you. I am so happy to hear you are coming through this horrid experience and finding some resolution and answers within you. I am doing quite well myself these days and yes, I think MAYBE the monster is finally gone. But: shhh…I don’t want to say that too loudly.
This site has been an IMMENSE pillar for me too.
I never would have made it if I hadn’t of had the support that lives here at Love Fraud.
No, they do not change. In fact, they only get worse with the passage of tiime. I am not living that way anymore. I still have a long ways to go on my recovery but at least death isn’t knocking on my door anymore.
I have watched the same things as you have: duping several women…over and over again…pitting them all against one another and the one with the most money and toys wins until he grows bored with that one and then moves on to the next highest bidder and he always has lots of supply. He sucks them all from offline. Yes, all we can do is pray for these other dupeys.
I haven’t found the beauty yet, but I am now feeling my fingers and toes and hearing the birds in the morning. That is something I haven’t noticed in the past five years from the NUMBING. But I am finding overwhelming peace and quiet in my life now. That sweet indifference: it’s the first proof that you are healing inside. It has been a VERY slow, long, painful and grueling process, reshuffling everything inside of us but just remember: WE ARE THE STRONGEST because WE didn’t RUN from our responsibilities. We stood and faced them down and won this battle in every sense of the word.
YOU stay strong too coping. We are making it, a little at a time. Together. It’s never over with a psychopathic stalker. Never. Take good care of yourself, coping. It’s great hearing from you. Keep in touch.
Love and blessings ~ Dupey
(((Dupey)))
It has been so long. You sound so much better, yours was especially evil.
I am happy to hear your health is better….and yes LOL, we must not say that one out loud…as they do have that nasty habit of coming back.
Yes, Dupey… WE ARE ALL STRONG, WE HAVE FACED THE PAIN AND RESPONSIBILITY, AND MESS THEY LEFT US WITH.
God bless and many hugs,
Coping
Howdy Do Coping…Thanks for stopping in and sharing ~!
Dear Coping, so good to know you are doing well, ,sweetie! Glad you stopped by, don’t be a stranger. We need some “success” stories on here to chirp up those that are still struggling and raw!
Thanks for sharing your success! Love Oxy
(((coping))) Where have you been? Hm?
Yes, I am doing much better now that I have that evilness away from my life. Yes, ‘especially evil’. “IT” sure was. Thanks for the wishes on my health. I AM doing better. As much as I can with a bum heart.
Yes, they do have a habit of not letting go….surprisingly, it has been absolutely quiet the past couple of weeks or so. I am simply amazed. The OW is doing a great job of keeping those meat hooks in “ITS” back and away from me! That goes to show ‘minions’ can be good for something; hm?
Yes, Dear, WE ARE all strong. We HAVE faced the responsibility and mess they left us and YES, we are on the road to tomorrow without all of that nonsense in our lives. We have more important things to do with our time other than lamenting about these monsters.
Take good care of yourself and don’t forget about us….
You sound great! Keep up the good work, coping…
Hugs and blessings ~ Dupey
Coping! It’s so good to “see” you and to read that you’re on such a strong healing path!
Yes…DO come back more often. I would be very appreciative to read about your recovery – so many of us feel as if we’re stumbling in the dark and it would be very encouraging to read about the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel!
Brightest blessings
Had a nightmare last night about my spath. As Ox Drover had suggested yesterday I was dreaming that night and didn’t remember, today I did, and I didn’t wake up crying.
In the dream I was in a bar playing the juke box and in he walked. I went over to him and started giving him hell, started to feel bad and then realized this had to be a dream and woke my self up. When I used to split with him before (I tried desperately to go back to my husband on many occasions) he would never leave me alone. He would drive through my parking lot a work where he know I would sit in my car on lunch break and smoke. He even would follow me into the supermarket when he would see my car. Eventually, even though I thought we had permanently split (he moved out of the state) I still loved him but did not want to hurt my husband anymore and moved into an apartment. Several months later he called me at work and I told him I had moved. Two weeks later he came back.
I knew it was a dream because I’m now in a different state and he has a new girlfriend. But the dream did leave me with a question I would like some help with. Do the spaths ever get their “just rewards”. I felt better in the dream just telling him what an evil person he was and how he destroyed my life, but I am going to remain NC. I do believe in carma and hope someday he feels as bad as I do but wondered if any of you had your spaths come to a bad end in their lives? It would make me feel so much better to know that eventually he will suffer like I am.
Last night I was still having a bad time and started speaking to myself about all his flaws. I went and pulled out an old picture of him and told myself “what were you doing with that ugly SOB”? It helped and I calmed down quite a bit.
Today I didn’t wake up crying but still have a lot of work to do on myself to get him out of my mind. I still check my email everymorning looking for an email from him and still jump everytime the phone rings. I must get myself stronger to remain NC. I know I will not contact him but am not confident that I will not speak to him if (ever) he calls.
Always feel better when I post so I hope I do not make a pest of myself if I do it too often.
Stormy, I know where you’re coming from.
There was a time when I was trying, over and over again, to be rid of my drug addicted bf of 7 years. It was an addiction, in and of itself. I knew it was killing me, and the emotional turmoil was excruciating. I DID NOT want him anymore…..and yet, there was a part of me that waited for his phone call, or a glimpse of him, or a story about him, or a message from him. I was both angered by any of these, but also, in some twisted way, relieved. If he waited just a little too long to make contact of some kind, I was dissapointed and sad, although, on a different level, relieved. All this is trauma bond fall-out. The crazy, unfathomable stuff that we don’t underrstand. In the after You will eventually find that, “God is doing for you, what you could not do for yourself”, staying spath-free.
Do they get their just deserts? I don’t know. I recently heard my xbf got one of his gf’s daughter pregnant, and that he and the gf after the last one fight so much his mom and dad are afraid of them and don’t want them in the house anymore.
Did I get a perverce sense of glee about these disclosures, yeah. But, I work toward a day when I just don’t care at all what goes on with him, because I’m too darn busy leading my own wonderful joy filled life.
Stormy: In my case, yes, the ppath IS getting his ‘just rewards’. Definitely. I have seen karma in action the past few years and I am grateful to whatever power has allowed me to see it. I am sorry for you that you do not have any ‘resolution’ on this. I will pray that you will find it, deep inside, where it really matters and counts.
Yes, believe me, I see ‘justification’ at work in my situation and it refreshes my soul and gives me hope that all of my suffering has NOT been for nothing. Sometimes we don’t or can’t see karma in action but I HAVE and trust me, yes, if for no other reason, they get their ‘just rewards’, think of the life they have forged out for themselves. THAT should be a lot of justification, right there. They will NEVER have a character basis to draw upon like we do. Hm?
Although I don’t pity them anymore (that’s what got me into trouble in the first place) I don’t wish them ill well either but they somehow seem to make that happen for themselves, over and over again; don’t they?
Keep strong; remember your value and your worth.
You are an important part of our world, without “IT”.
You don’t need to fret….just them living is giving them their ‘just rewards’.
Our not being there anymore is their second ‘just reward’.
So sorry: no more supply here.
Dupey
Do they get their “just rewards”? I think so, sooner or later. I don’t know of a one that really in truly is “happy” in a sense that we would call “happy.” I think that just the lack of the ability to love deprives them of the ability to BE truly happy.
Many times their illegal activities also end them up in hot water. They also go from relationship to relationship. That isn’t happy in myy opinion.