Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Hi Stormy,
Yeah, when the spaths get theirs it’s called; Karmageddon!
Thanks for the kind words, Coping!
Stormy–from my perspective, you can never be a pest here. That’s what this group is for. To share with people who understand when no one else does.
Stormy….I’m the poster child of the LoveFraud pest! LOLOL Always feel free to “speak” what you need to say.
Sometimes, the responses might not be warm and fuzzy, but most all of them will be truthful and supportive.
ANA….KARMAGEDDON! ROTFLMAO!!! (snort, guffaw, bray)
This is a good reminder. I also wonder if he’s better to the new gf I’m sure he has by now. I know for SURE he’s doing the same things with her he did with me, all the affection, and “I love yous” and hand holding and acting to all the world she’s the greatest thing ever, UNTIL that is, she stops giving him what he wants. Then he will dehumanize her, abuse her, devalue her, cheat on her and render her a worthless waste of his time. He did it to his exwf and exgf before me, then to me. How will he not do it again? The more I read here the better I feel. and the more grateful I am out of it and can see someone like this a mile away now. I guess that is a blessing.
Theresaann, yeah….the next one in line will suffer worse than you did – he will have learned more creative ways to damage.
It’s good to read that you’re feeling validated. For some of us, it takes a long, long while before we “get it,” ourselves.
Brightest blessings
Oh yes, I definitely agree with what is being said here on this thread. The next one in line gets it even WORSE than us and those before us. Because they learn how to hone their manipulation skills on us, as they have every other person they have had in their lives.
Another reference on their resume`, so to speak.
Oh yes, all the love bombing we got, they get too, only, when that wears off and the ugliness comes out, they are the next in line and being next in line elicits just a little more ugliness than before. A little more dominance and a little more control. So, don’t envy them in the least. Just consider yourself extremely blessed and fortunate being away from it. That is the smarter and wiser thing to do.
If you are in a situation where you are fearful, do not hesitate to remove yourself. Be aware; be safe, above all else. I am on the road to self survival over here and I am not allowing myself to get knocked off course anymore.
KARMAGEDDON lives and breathes.
Trust me, I know it’s true. hahaha Now I sound like a ‘watch salesman’. ahahahaha
Oh yes, for some of us, it does take a long while to find our way out of this maze. It’s an ugly one too. I have spent five years on this nonsense and I am not giving it anymore of my soul. I can look at it now with a fresh perspective and see it all for what it really is and was. I am HAPPY my life is quiet now and chaos and drama free. LET THE NEXT IN LINE HAVE IT. THEY WANT IT, LET THEM HAVE IT. We will probably read about their stories, here, some day, too; you think? All we can do is pray for them.
My story is a little long but if you take a minute to read it you will be glad you did…..First off i think the person Dupey got it right by saying we are the fortunate ones because we are able to give and receive real love and the sp can`t. Here goes. i was at a singles dance and saw this beautiful petite little Girl with long blonde hair, i got up the nerve to go ask her to dance. i am 10 years older than her. we danced and i told her i had never felt anyone in my arms that felt the way she did. that was the first door i opened up for her. i was in love with her in no time at all, especially after we had sex. she is a college grad. we started what i believed to be a relationship. she has money and lot`s of it, her parents died and left it to her. at the time she was living in a very expensive apt. gated in a wealthy neighborhood. i went to her place for a year and she came to my house. she was waiting for her daughter to finish college then she would buy a house. her daughter left town so my girl told me she was moving in with her g/f for awhile, she told me her g/f had a bad experince with men and i couldn`t visit her at her girlfriends house, she said when i buy my home you can visit and we will be like we always were. we went on 9 carnival cruisess and went to florida and walked on the beach, we traveled alot. one day we were going on a cruise and i said it`s been three years and i don`t know where you are living, i am not going on this cruise unless this foolishness is over, if you don`t show me where you are living i ain`t going on the cruise. she wouldn`t show me, i had already paid my part on the cruise and i lost my money. i talked to her sister whitch i rarely did and i told her what i was going through. she said well my sister doesn`t live with her g/f she is living in a nice home on a golf course with a man, my heart sank and i felt fainty, she put her hands on the Bible many times and swore to God with an oath that i was the only guy in her life. well i looked her up and she was where her sister said she was. i said to her one day, anyone for a little friendly game of golf? she studdered b/c she knew i had found her. i went by her house and she called the police b/c she didn`t want the guy she had living with her to know about me. but i went to his little job he had and told him who i was. she was with this guy b/c he had aging parents that were near death and they were worth 20 million dollars, need i say more. she said she had been married 2 times, i found out she had been married 7 times. there is much much more, i will tell you more later but this is enough to digest for the moment. o she is a druggy an alcoholic, gamloholic, was physically thrown out of the casino for being drunk and cussing everyone out. more later.
One time she was to drunk to stand at the casino so the security got me a wheel chair to take her to the car. she met this guy online she had living with her. he at the time had a good job and nice home, he is an alcoholic also, so they both are alcoholics. so when he lost his job his nice home went, so the free ride was over. so she bought the home on the golf course, everything in her name, so she runs the show, if she wants him to leave all she has to do is point at the door. i was fool enough to try again with her, she said she throwed the guy out. we were in bed and at 2am i hear the key in the door, well i already knew who it was. he walked in the bedroom and he was shocked b/c he thought he was the only one with her as i did. he almost in a crying way said to me, who are you, i said back at you who are you? he said to me i want you to get up and get dressed and get out of here, i said well we have a little problem here, first you aren`t married to her and you don`t own the house so you don`t walk in this house placing demands on anyone, she just froze and she said to him now you left me this morning, so she is in love with the guy and by evening she is in bed with me, this is how sp operate. we had good sex and she wanted more so she contacted me. this is no lie, i would have sex with her from 1 hour and sometime we would have sex for 5 or 6 hours, yeah 5 or 6, no fooling we would, she has gorgeous body so 5 or 6 hours was nothing for me to last. but i haven`t heard from her in 2 months, and i found out about her double life 9 months ago, i thought i couldn`t live without her but i`m finding out it`s not as bad as i thought, i said GOD i can`t go on without her and you have to help me, and he has, he has given me strength i didn`t know i had and it`s getting better every day, i have a nice home and i`m enjoying my home and my life more every day, i don`t have to work, so after the 5 year roller coaster ride i have my life back. but it`s been 2 months since i heard from her. i believe she will try to contact me again though b/c she said nobody ever gave her sex as long as i did and she loved it….i can`t be weak and talk to her though, b/c if she ever get`s me in bed i`m hers again, hers to use that is. but i get up in the mornings and have coffee then i go run and walk 5 miles and when i get back home i have a nice long Jacuzzi bath and relax….But i know what yall are going through, i loved her enough i could have spent 10 life times with her and never been sorry. her sex was unreal….once on a cruise we were 10 floors above the mighty ocean below and if you went over it would be certain death, she was drunk and insisted i dangle her over the rail while we were making love, i did it but i had a death grip on her and i`m very strong, but she put her life in my hands, these people will do anything, trust me they will. but all the beautiful sex and i love yous meant nothing to her, it was all a big game…the guy she was with was near 3 hundred pounds and she put him on a diet b/c he had diabetes, she wanted the weight off of him to insure that he would live long enought to get his parents money, not to hard to figure that out, b/c his parents has 20 million dollars. but i have learned so much from this, it`s hard for me to trust again. the guy she cheated with had to take ed meds to have sex. i told him all the bad things she said about him, he is tramatised to near death, he thought he had her and he thought she really loved him, i said yep i thought the same thing pal……he still can`t believe it…..i will be honest i loved her and i still think of the memories but it was all a big fake on her part. she never told the truth and was always trying to get people to feel sorry for her……….Dr Robert Hare is the worlds leading athority on these people, he has studied them for 50 years. i read and studied all his notes for monts on end day and night and she fits the mold in every way. i learned an aweful lot from this wonderful man……the best book you will ever read about sp is a book titled without conscience by Dr Robert Hare, he breaks everything down in layman terms so that anyone can understand what he is communicating to you……GET THE BOOK OR GO TO YOUR LIBRARY AND CHECK IT OUT. God bless all………I will stay intouch with all that want to talk to me.
Hello sonny: I am so sorry about all that has happened to you. I have heard your story over and over again from other people. Socipathy and/or Psychopathy isn’t confined just to men. Women do it too and I think the women are even more ugly than the men can be. My x ppath has threatened my life on numerous ocassions and has been more abusive than anyone could imagine, in a mental, emotional and psychological way.
I managed to watch the entire Jaycee Dugard interview last night and I saw in her all of the same things I had been seeing in myself. Being taken in by a captor and a mind controller. I so completely understand her. It is difficult regaining your life once you have been held captive like that for so long. I have been in counseling for at least four years now and have MDD, PTSD , AGORAPHOBIA…Stockholm Syndrome took over the relationship. Although I never did anything ugly for him, and was able to stand my ground, we never lived together, he was still able to control me and my life because I allowed it through all that smooth conniving that went on and “IT” about devoured me physically and psychologically.
I am happy to hear that you are making an effort to get past this. I know how it feels to be pushed off the cliff but I want to say to you that I am happy she didn’t try to physically hurt you, nor did I hear any mention of her financially taking you. That is quite a rarity. Most women spaths try to get their hands on whatever they can, including lives, if it is beneficial to them and their strategies. While I think men are the same way, I was fortunate enough that I was able to sustain because I never allowed it that close to me. I knew what it was about after a while…The trauma in my life lasted five of the past ten years. I almost died because of all this.
Oh yes, we can love them. That doesn’t matter. Nothing matters to them other than what they want and they see that as being ‘successful’…successful at what? Duping people? That’s what it is too.
Happy to hear you are reading Dr. Hare! Keep on searching for the resolutions inside you sonny and you will find them. I can completely relate to everything you said and I wish you nothing but healing and peace.
Welcome to Love Fraud. I am happy you found us.
This is a great place for healing and compassion.
Dupey