Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Yeah, Sonny, it sounds like you qualify for being here. I’m sorry you had this run-in with spath.
I’m glad you’re here, and hope you stick around and learn along with us.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Hey thank you. I actually studied the psychology of these people for nine months Day and night, i read everything about these people i could find. i feel as though i could almost be a psychologist. they are strange people, they can be after your money or your most prized possession, or they could fancy your weed eater or your garden hose, point i`m making is what they want don`t have to be expensive, it just has to be something the sp wants. I did everything for her, when she would come to my house we would have a glass of wine on my summer porch, or at the dinning table, or on the deck, just where ever she wanted to be. the poor Girl could never stop with one drink and i felt so sorry for her b/c she has a taste for alcohol. but she would sit at the table and i would make dinner, i would make salmon croquette and black cast iron skillet potatoes with onion. i would make a stir fry and hot corn bread, those were her favorite foods. I did all the cooking and afterward i would either put the dishess in my dish washer or i would just clean the food out of them and wash them the next day…if i did decide to wash them she would be in bed calling to me asking me how long was i gona be, she would say come on to bed. she alway`s got fed and i did the dishess and she never had to lift a finger. I was so in love with her i would do annything for her or with her. i knew early on that she was different and wasn`t like other people but i loved her so much i ignored the warning. her Parents left her the childhood home she was brought from the hospital to. i remodeled it nicely so she could sell it and get top dollar for it, i gave her antique furniture, as i have a house full of it, i gave her Daughter things, i did everything in my power to make her feel loved. but hear me loud and clear, if you have 50 billion dollars you can`t make them norman, o sure they will stay with you but you can bet your last dime they will always have someone else on the side…..I have much more to talk about and i will be back on tonight. i have to prepare my self some lunch and run an errand. but i`m getting better and better every day and so can yall.
Sociopaths live in almost constant boredom. she was always calling me saying i`m bored sonny let`s go somewhere, i`d say Honey where do you want to go? she would say let`s go to New Orleans and go sight seeing or she would say i found a deal on a cruise, or we could go to Gatlinburg Tn and see the turning of the leaves. then she would say but i want to do them all, i would in a very loving way say well Darling we can`t do them all, then she would say you pick, i would say no Honey you pick b/c i`m in love with you and no matter where we go i will be very happy b/c we are together. but there was never a Day that she love me, she couldn`t, they are incapable of loving anyone and if you gave them a Billion dollars they still would not be able to love you back……I have to put my mind somewhere else b/c i can`t rehash and think of the good times we had, to do so will destroy you. i`ve read when you are sad and hurting the sp will sympathize with you, but they don`t mean any of it, deep down inside they they are laughing their brains out at you but they can`t let you see it. when you hurt they get a rush out of it. with us being normal it`s hard to believe a person could be happy about anothers hurt. that`s why some people even call them aliens. I will be back b/c i`m so glad i found this site and i so look forward to meeting new friends on here…
Sonny, I’m so sorry that you had those experiences.
It’s not so much that hurting others makes them “happy.” They don’t experience true happiness, just malicious glee.
No, they do not experience love or intimacy (non-sexual). In their worlds, there aren’t enough people to use up, money to grab, or schemes to hatch.
I’m glad you found LoveFraud.
Brightest blessings
sonny: somehow I know exactly what you mean, I have researched, studied and read on all this, myself. It has been a part of the ‘healing’ process, trying to understand. And, you are right, it makes you feel a little like a psychologist; doesn’t it? Unbelievable. Still. Somehow it helps looking at the situation from a different perspective, instead of the ‘heartfelt’ one, look at the facts. The undisputable FACTS and what we have seen and witnessed. It kind of validates the WHY’s and HOW COMES of all of it.
To me, there is no reason nor excuse of why people don’t reflect upon themselves and actions. I believe all people are capable of change. My therapist and I argue about this all the time: “I” believe people have the capacity and ability to change, if they only want to. ALL PEOPLE, even the sick ones. My therapist tends to feel that there ARE certain people in our society, such as these types, who do not have THE BRAIN CELLS to ‘get it’ and therefore will NEVER change. Although I know that is probably right: brain damage, I just don’t want to let go of the hope that all people CAN change. Aren’t we all suppose to change in this life in order to fit into it? I guess that is what makes them so astute at what they do: people would never believe it; right? That must be part of the ploy.
To them we are only appliances, to throw away when we don’t work anymore (for them). They are creatures of immediate satisfactions and always are the center of what is ever going on in their world and nobody elses. They are very sexual and have many partners and find it exciting. IN THE BEGINNING but that wears off sooner or later too, which makes them move onto other partners, all in search of that best sex, the most toys, and on and on. They have NO REMORSE nor CONSCIENCE moving from one lover to the next as long as it is more beneficial to them.
Yes, they do live in constant boredom. Unless they are causing chaos or drama, they are bored. They feed off the adrenalin. They LOVE IT when they are the reason someone else suffers and laugh at us for being stupid enough to allow them to do it to us. Absolutely.
Yes, I know what you mean about putting your mind elsewhere. It’s the only thing to do, sonny. Certainly, we are not ‘in love’ with the LIES that much that we would ever walk back into it. It has left a destructive mark on us and our lives but we will survive and find all those little cracks to fit into called ‘life’, sooner or later.
That’s the great thing about us REAL HUMANS: we reflect and we find ways of surviving without harming others. Not so with the spath or ppath. Destruction is their ultimate goal. Unless they get what they want from you, they will do all they can to destroy you. I KNOW.
No, they don’t change. Stark awakening! Especially after you have known someone as long as I have and suddenly they turn on you like a rabid dog…
Happy you are here with us, sonny, please, post and read more…lots of really startling stories of different people here. We have found this place, thanks to Donna, where we are able to find that validation we so need through all of this.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Eat right; sleep right; keep a good, consistent schedule; it helps a lot. Keep busy and reflect; reflect; reflect…it’s the only way.
PPATH/SPATHS have no ‘compassion’ because they don’t have those ‘compassion receptor centers’ in their brains. Check out this movie:
http://www.fisheadmovie.com/
On the right hand side you will see ways to watch the entire movie and you can do it right on your computer.
Best wishes and prayers to you sonny…hang in there.
Dupey
Well it`s very nice to talk to yall again. Please understand i`m not trying to play Doctor here but Dr Robert Hare said the reason these people have no conscience is b/c the cerebral cortex frontal lobe of the sp brain is silent, it has never been awake, so he said that`s the part of the brain that gives us a conscience, he said you can`t give these people something they never had. he said neuro surgeons have went in and woke that part of their brain up, but sp are more prone to seisures than normal people, he said so all of the sudden it`s like who turned on the lights, they have something they never had and it throws them into shock followed by a seisure that kills them……he said this has been proven. he said but even so we shouldn`t stick around and be abused by them. he said get it through your head, you cant`t help them, and get away and stay away, no contact of any kind.
They absolutely love sex but they aren`t in love with you. they want the sexual gratification but can`t feel the love……see when we had sex i was always saying, honey i love you, she would say it back to me but it was just words that meant nothing…….she mainly said i love you when we talked on the phone, but in person she never walked up and put her arms around me and said i love you. see for me that was natural b/c that`s what i felt. i would walk up behind her and put my arms around her and i would whisper in her ear, i would say guess what honey? she would alway`s what, then i would whisper in her ear, i`m in love with you honey, you are my beautiful princess. I hope i didn`t get to graphic and offend anyone, i`m just telling you my life as it happened with my sp…..
Sexuality is a supply gathering activity. Nothing more.
Oh yes kim, completely.
It is a strategy for them and nothing more.
Sonny,
Yap they are brain dead. My x told me he loved me twenty times a day, but it was always when his back was to me, never said with eye contact or affection. When HE said “i love you” what he was really saying was ‘ i have you fooled ‘ – ‘ i have you under my control’ because he knew that was what i wanted to hear..but ya know I got tired of lookin at the back of his boney head.