Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Hens and Kim,
bwahaahahahha!
that’s what I thought.
Anyway, my spath barely touched me when I BEGGED for a back rub, for pain in my back that sent me to the emergency room for pain meds. Instead, he wanted sex.
it’s a red flag, but I was so young and naive that I couldn’t see it.
Sonny, with regard to online dating, my personal belief is that it is the PERFECT trolling ground for spaths. There is NO communication other than electronic. Yeah, some of these people post their images, but they can CLAIM anything they wish. My eldest son used plentyoffish.com as his trolling ground. His claims were not only outrageous, but they were all false.
Spathinator, yeah…..the quid pro quo of concern and care doesn’t exist. This time, last year, I was barely able to walk as the result of my medical condition, and he would look at me and say, “Poor thing. What’s for supper?” If I ever asked for him to massage sore muscles, he would dig his fingertips into my flesh so hard that I would simply tell him to stop because it hurt so bad. And, this was AFTER he had attended doctor’s visits with me to discuss managing this condition.
As far as sex goes? Sex is powerful and IS meaningless to spaths except for their own pleasure and control. It’s used as an exremely powerful bait and lure, and becomes a tool of withold/reward. Empaths associate sex with “love,” and the frenzied demands of the spath cause victims to feel as if they’re desirable. No “healthy” relationsyhip can sustain that kind of rabid sex-drive, especially when children are involved. That’s one of the hallmark “Red Flags” of sociopathic entanglements: whirlwind, instant, immediate relatiionship. Add hard-core pornography to the mix, and it’s a recipe for disaster.
I don’t have to concern myself with EITHER situation, again! 😀 I have no intention of ever “dating,” again. This is not to say that I hate men – quite the contrary. But, I don’t NEED a man to “complete” myself, and the very idea of engaging in sex, again, causes me to feel physically sick to my stomach.
And, I just want to throw this out there with regard to “friends” who turned out to be spaths: I noticed that they ALL referred to sex, frequently. They would allude to their own prowess or how desirable they believed themselves to be. One former friend who turned out to be spath (not the ex-con, but another one) intentionally tried to create sexual tension between us, and I didn’t understand this until a couple of years ago. Sex and money were the only things that she knew how to use – she had no personality of her own and relied heavily upon others to provide one for her.
Nuts…..simply nuts.
TO clarify about sex-drive when “children are involved,” was meant to read: if the couple HAS children and not WITH children……
hens,
That’s almost exactly what the spath did with me… But for 30 secs or so and then say “done”, and those 30 secs didn’t even come close to a massage. I think even the chicken filets got a more natural massage.
Truthspeak you sound like a very nice person with lots of wisdom and i`m deeply sorry that someone treated you so unkind. but i believe for sure that there are people on these dating sites that mean you no good. they are looking to take advantage of the unaware. i`m like you, i`m not destitute or in need, i have a very good life, i do as i please and if i want to get up at mid night and get in my pick up and go to Florida or where ever i want to go, or if i want to sleep until noon, there is nobody to account to……..i don`t know why two wealthy women came after me, i really don`t. I just know i visited them and seemed very nice, but after what i went through with my little sp i just wasn`t buying, i know they didn`t want money b/c they could buy and sell me many times over. I never cared about money, i just wanted a Girl that would love me as much as i loved her, if i was truly in love i could live with my Girl in a one room apt and be happy. but i`m one of a kind and i know it. but God has been so good to me, i have never been sick, other than a cold etc. i don`t ever remember having a headache even. i get up and have coffee then i go run and walk 5 miles, i do it everyday, been doing it for 20 years, my weigth is perfect. so all and all my God is great and i know he will never leave or forsake me, and he is a friend that sticketh closer than a Brother. I wish only Gods best for you truthspeak b/c i believe you have been through alot just as i have been. but like you said my sp Girl was a beautiful little blonde and she used the sex tool on me b/c she knew i loved it, we were together 5 years and it was hard to accept that is was all a game that she played with me. and the massage yall never got. i would tickle her all over in bed untill she fell asleep, or i would sit behind her in bed and brush her long blonde hair for 2 hours, but it was all one sided, i ask her to tickle my back and she did for about one minute, i said i do you for hours is this all i get? she said i like it better when you do me. by the way i hate a massage they are rough and i don`t enjoy, i would much rather have my body tickled..God bless you truthspeak…there was man on here i think his name is mr ox, he said pof was bad so he must have had a bad experince. so i`m careful and scared of these people, b/c i can see where pof would be a perfect play ground for a sp.
But to all that were concerned for me being on plenty of fish, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. but i know you can meet bad people anywhere. i met a nice lady or so i thought she was, at the Goodwill thrift store, a very pretty Girl. we went out and she then informed me she was married. i said well that`s a shame you are so pretty and i was looking forward to spending time together, she said well i`m gona be getting a divorce, i guess they all tell you that be it girl or guy. i said yeah but you are married now and i`m just not gona mess with another mans wife, it`s wrong from a christian stand point and it cheapens the person doing it, it`s like saying hey i can`t do any better so i will mess with married people….no not for me i don`t care how pretty she is, if she is married she is off limits to me and every other guy.
I would rather be alone than dance with the devil ever again. It’s quieter that way and at least I know I can count on myself. All the rest is inconsequential to me at this point. SURVIVING is the key point in my life right now.
I REMEMBER when I burn my hand in the fire.
Time for something different, I would say.
How about a LIFE FOR MYSELF WITHOUT THE STRESS?
WITHOUT THE DRAMA AND CHAOS. I get enough excitement when I am in A FIB; right?
If you want to know what POF (Plenty of Fish) is all about try reading the forums…unbelieveable the abuse members dish out to each other. Made me run from that dating sight as fast as I could.
POF: PLENTY OF FRAUDS.
Speaking_Up, yepper….. the interwebs is the playground of the psychopaths and sociopaths. There is NO visual exchange of body language. Unless, of course, they webcam. Then, it gets out of hand.
Dupey! LMAOLMAOLMAO!!! POF = Plenty Of Frauds! LMAO