Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Truthspeak, that’s it too. The most important part of a person is lacking when you shop on the internet. That personal interaction; the eye contact; the way they move their bodies and how they interact with others. Those are all things you don’t get over the internet.
The sad part is, most of our service members, serving today, that is pretty much the only interaction they have when they are out in the field serving our country. That ‘internet interaction’, so when they come home, they are still stuck in that mode of existence, looking for gratification over the air waves. It’s sad. But it is a part of the horridness of war, I suppose. “High tech” horridness.
The web becomes their only source of personal interaction. While I think most of them do it without malice in their hearts, there are those who will suck you dry of your life and your soul if you let them. You would tend to expect something different from SERVICE MEMBERS; wouldn’t you?
CIVILIAN PSYCHOPATHS are even worse. They have no controlling about them. Yes, they are all out there on the dating sites. WHY do you suppose they are there in the first place? Easier to NOT interact, perhaps?
Something very important to consider.
And, yes, my definition of POF was given to them too, after the near rape incident I had meeting someone off of there. They, to this day, have not responded to me. Amazing; isn’t it? hahaha
PLEENNNNTTTTY of FRAUDS.
Happy Evening to you Trusthspeak.
MINE IS GETTING WONDERFUL FINDING MYSELF AGAIN. I FEEL LIKE A KID ABOUT TO GO TO A PAJAMA PARTY OR SOMETHING: It is getting quieter and quieter around my life these days and I absolutely LOVE IT.
Dupey
sonny,
I would advize to stay away from internet dating sites too. True, you can meet a spath face to face and be fooled as much as on an internet dating site. I met the ex/spath face to face too. That was before I understood what a spath is. But at least when meeting per accident face to face chances are high that other people in the environment know that person as well, so it’s easier to do a background check AND it’s less easy for them to for example use a different name (which prevents you from doing a background check) AND you can also watch them interact with others… Especially the last is often an interesting source of information.
Spaths often have SEVERAL profiles at the same internet dating site, not just pretending to have different personalities, but pretending to be different identities. It’s harder to do a background check, you cannot see them interact with other people beside yourself and you have no environment feedback. Spaths LOVE internet dating sites. They can be sure that the normal people they contact are looking to meet the love of their life, and that the normal people have the hope it can be done online. In every way it takes less effort to find a victim and even easier to fool them. So, actually chances are higher you meet a spath on a dating site than in real life.
Also know yourself: are you a romantic? looking for your ‘soulmate’? Do challenges make it even more romantic? Well then you are the preferred and easy target. I know this of myself, so dating sites are the worst thing I could start doing.
But it’s good that you keep to your values! No married woman.
I do notice you often mention material aspects of the women you meet or are interested in: rich and ‘beautiful’. I’ve always had a weakness for very handsome men. While with the latest guy who caught my eye I would intially think my weakness for handsomeness was being toned down (that is I thought them handsome but also thought other people might think them average), I’d often get feedback soon from others what a handsome catch he was. It’s not fully a materialistic or status thing… I’m a painter and portraitist and have a master in industrial design: part of my values are esthetic values. I was born with those. But I also recognize more and more that handsomeness means nothing more than sexual attraction, and following that pointer alone is a VERY BAD advizor.
Richness though is materialistic. Being rich doesn’t imply that person is a responsible person. There are plenty of very responsible, independent women who do not parasite on anyone, including beautiful ones, and aren’t rich either, nor even care about being materialistically rich. Instead they are rich with life experience.
Anyway, what it does make me think is that you might not even be ready yourself for a realistic, fulfilling relationship with a woman of flesh and blood who can have a bad hairday, also needs to go the loo to poop, and doesn’t want to dress up for the jetset pretense every morning and evening, and loves her life without all the glamour and glitter.
So, I would suggest to perhaps make just female friends you meet in real life, instead of looking for a girlfriend. At least then you can start to discover frou yourself what can interest you in a woman mentally and emotionally, instead of sexually and glamoursly. When you know what attracts you on all levels, that’s when you’ll be able to meet and be open to a woman who you can share your life with.
THE MOST IMPORTANT PART LACKING IN AN ONLINE RELATIONSHIP IS BEING ABLE TO LOOK INTO THEIR EYES. THE EYES< THEY SAY < NEVER LIE and I THINK you can SEE a person's intentions in their eyes….
Dupey
But Dupeylicious ~! What about our online relationship? You cant see my eyes, but ya still love me dont ya?
Most of them so called gay dating site’s have photo’s of something beside’s your eyes…anywho..just sayin.
Darwinsmom you talk like a wise Lady. I agree with you. I can spot them in the future i`m sure. I studied the Psychology of these people for like a year so i would know if i met another one. They are always giving you compliments on things that don`t even mean anything, they do it to try to make you think you are an awesome person, and the compliments don`t stop, they try to butter you up. for instance when i met my little sp i went to her house to pick her up, well i had drank 1 glass of wine and i told her i did. o man you would have thought i had drank a gallon. here goes act 1. she said i`m taking care of you tonight b/c you`ve drinking. she said i just bought a new car and i`m driving, she drove us to her favorite Japanese steak house. we had a nice dinner and she wouldn`t let me pay a penny. well now i know why. she was putting on an act so if i turned out to be a millionare i would remember how nice she was to me and would share it with her. trust me i know these people like the back of my hand after a years study on them. but i`m not about richess and beauty. just a plain Girl that loves me would be fine with me. and i`m not all about sex, however i do think sex is beautiful if you are with the right person. but it`s not first on my list. and you are right i`m not looking to jump into something real fast. I have a very good life so i`m not hurting or lonely. but i do have very good morals and wouldn`t touch a married Girl, or even a Girl that was in a monogamous relationship. but you are correct, if your mate is beautiful everytime she or he goes to walmart someone will hit on them, this i know for a fact. so i would much rather have a Girl that is not drop dead gorgeous. also i don`t have to have an expensive Home. but my ex g/f had all the signs of a sp and then some. but Dr Robert Hare said in his book, even if the person that is doing all these is not a sp you know one thing for sure they are someone you shouldn`t be with. but you mentioned sex, the only reason i was so sexual with her is b/c i thought she was the real deal and i thought she really loved me, i had never run across a sp before…and i will be honest the only sex that means anything to me is sex with someone i`m in love with, really in love with, a Girl that will be my Princess and not cheat on me b/c i would never the longest Day i lived ever cheat on her and she would always know that she is verry much loved…but i`m not dating anyone on any dating site b/c i just don`t trust it……..sure a person can go out anytime and have sex but i want more, much more, sex with love. Thank you for your concern.
Sonny,
I wasn’t actually talking about sex, but simply sexual attraction. And though certainly not the sole issue of a relationship, it is part of a romantic relationship. If there’s no sexual attraction it’s not a romantic relationship, but a convenience one.
I’ve been immersing myself in the subject of sociopathy for a year as well, and plenty of people here for many more years. But it’s also wise to remind yourself that even though you are now equipped with the knowledge to connect the sociopathic dots of sociopathic behaviour much easier and sooner than someone who hasn’t experienced one nor read every article and book they ould get their hand on about the subject, you can still be fooled for a while. Hare himself admits he cannot recognize a sociopath at a first meeting.
hens, darling: our online relationship will always be special. Better than all the others I have ever found, while trolling those horrid dating sites.. I will never trust another and…No, I can’t see your eyes but I do still love ya….
That is because I know who you are inside and that’s the most important part; right? You are not out to ‘target’ me and I am not out to ‘target’ you; correct? We have NO AGENDA and that makes it ‘safe’ and ‘trustworthy’. It’s all about the ‘agenda’. Don’t you think?
ahahaha: something besides your eyes; hm?
(too funny) *hugs & smooches* hens…xxoo
Dupey
One person said pof has some nasty people on it, and you are right it does…….when i made my profile it clearly states, if you are into abuse in any form or if you have a nasty mouth don`t bother contacting me. I may be a guy and trust me i`m all man from head to toe all 6ft2 210 pounds of me. but i hate nasty language of any kind, it just makes no sence to me, it just cheapens a person no mater girl or guy. call me old fasion if you like but i will never feel any different. there is simply no excuse for nasty language or abuse in any form and lies to go with all of that. if i have to say i have class for having these values then so be it, i have class.
darwinsmom: your post to sonny is so true. We can’t fool ourselves by thinking we will never get stung again. They ARE very very skilled at the fake persona they present. They can hold the illusion up and going for years on end without that mask slipping.
The only thing I am concerned about at this point in time is surviving my heart condition with as little stress, drama and chaos as possible and that does NOT include “IT”.
Knowing ONE of the demons was enough for me.
I am hanging up my dancing shoes and trading them in for a pair of sneakers. hehehehe
Sonny your “ability to spot them in the future” may be more limited than you think at this point. Dr.Robert Hare, one of THE most knowlegable researchers of psychopathy states that even HE has difficulty spotting them without up to 6 months’ contact and even then sometimes is surprised entirely. So don’t think you can’t be fooled. WE ALL CAN BE no matter how much we have “studied” them. That’s what gets us into trouble, thinking we can “spot them” in the wild all that well.