Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Athena, thank you – it’s very sad, actually. I hope that I’ll be able to separate the violent deviant sex that interests the exspath from honest, healthy sex between a loving couple, one day. Even when it’s a love-scene acted out in a movie, my mind goes back to the stuff that I found, and I truly feel as if I’m going to vomit.
Hugs to you
I know they are hard to spot, but i`m not gonna let her ruin my life. I really don`t miss her anymore. I have a very nice home furnished fit for a king, and nice furnishings, a nice vehicle paid for, i`m debt free and i`m not an alcoholic or druggie. so i have a lot going for me and i`m not about to let a sp ruin my life, or for that matter anyone, i`m strong minded and i will survive, when i think about the lies and deception i went through with her it angers me. so the way i see it is i`m strong and whats to miss about a sick person, if i could help her that would be one thing but i can`t. notes i read said if you start missing your exsp, make a list of all the horrible things they did to you and all the lies, then pull it out and read it, it will help you an aweful lot. but really these people are sick, they believe their own lies, they can even pass a polygraph test. so i just accept i was with a mentally sick person that can`t do anything about their illness, but b/c they can`t get well or be treated, there is no reason i have to stick around and be run over. but it`s strange, i`m the real deal, a gentleman, very clean and decent and i`ve never took anything from a woman. i`m not an alcoholic or druggie and i treat a Girl like a princess. women say i`m the kind of man they want but i haven`t found one that likes my type, they seem to like a guy that beats on them and comes home drunk and cussess them. women see guys like me as weak b/c i`m kind and nice to her and show her love like she has never known. all i can say is it`s their loss. b/c i will make it alone.
sonny, you know that women who chose a guy who beats them, comes home drunk and cusses them did not chose him because that’s how he acted at the beginning at all. You are describing the behaviour of possible male sociopath, and you know they wear masks. You have experienced yourself how it got you involved with the ‘wrong’ woman. It works exactly the same way for women victimized by male sociopaths.
When I had been involved with the spath for a month, I thought he was the kindest, most sweet man I ever was involved with. By then he had already ordered a succesful assault robbery on me, in which he afterwards played the hero who was able to retrieve all of my stuff and who had the police arrest 4 suspects who according to him confessed.
Yeah i understand what you are saying………my little sp showed signs early on but i didn`t want to see it for what it was, her sex hooked me instantly, but if i ever find someone else i want to be with i want let go so easy. i will watch her for awhile.
That also was my first run in with a sp………but when i first saw her at this singles dance, she swished her little butt by me as she was leaving the refreshment table. I knew i loved her before i ever even heard her speak the first word…some said to me, you are nuts there is noway you could know that you love her, they were wrong, i was right…..i said to her, what are you so afraid of? she said being alone, this was after i`d known her for awhile, sp are terrified of being alone, they can`t stand being alone, that`s why they always have someone. and they never ever never marry for money, they marry so they will have a live in victim. as you know, they don`t have b/f g/f wives or which ever applies , they are all victims. when we met i said i want a fairy tale love life with you, she said so do i, but it was just words, and at first i didn`t think i could go on without her, but it gets easier every day. i just hope she leaves me alone. i`ve read about sp that were gone 10 years and then one day they are ringing your door bell as if nothing ever happened…..
been 10 years for me, sonny…
the doorbell just kept on ringing, over and over again.
I must say, for it being Friday the 13th, today, it has been very quiet except for the chat request I received this morning from an alternate ID….First Friday the 13th in 10 years, I haven’t received a PSYCHO CALL. I don’t speak to people like that at all. Stalking is prohibited in MY WORLD. Period. Although it still goes on. I have learned to ignore it, mostly, like swishing a fly off the picnic table.
Consider yourself fortunate you got away with your life, sonny and all of your belongings.
I am grateful to still be ALIVE every day…
Dupey
Dupey, I’m also grateful…..I don’t “know” what the exspath had in mind for my end – natural or accident – but, I firmly believe that there was an “end” in sight for him.
Sonny, I’m reading your posts and I am going to type this with the most sincere intentions: choose your words on this site carefully, as well. This site sees MANY internet trolls and predators, just as any other site does. You are mentioning a lot of materialistic “attributes” and fairy-tale values that could EASILY be viewed as an invitation to be exploited, AGAIN. Especially, when you mix those comments with your open declaration that you’re STILL LOOKING for Ms. Wonderful, but you can spot a spath easily. A trolling spath (male OR female) often views that as an open challenge.
Caution, Sonny……and brightest blessings
Truthspeak: Yes, we must be grateful for the basic things, sometimes.
That is our salvation: appreciating the little but most important things.
HAHAHA: I am stifling myself, at this moment, by not breaking a piece of information that is so hilarious but also quite telling and revealing. It’s so unique, that I have never heard of such a thing before. But, while it is funny, in the comical sense, it is also very scarey because there is a pattern and intent behind the stalking and I see it. The attempts at mind control are still very much alive; from this far away…amazing. Solid NC has been in effect, from my side, for MONTHS now. At the request all further communications cease. I have not responded and don’t intend to, not ever again. I don’t talk to people who threaten to murder me.
The only thing “IT” never planned on was the fact that I am stronger than “IT” is. “I” am the one who has won this battle (hopefully).
A person can’t be too careful with a violent, psychopathic stalker.
“The End” is a means to an end. To stifle the threat.
It is done in a twisted fashion with evil intent.
I see all this for what it really is now. It has been such an IMMENSE STRUGGLE for me coming out of all of this. It has been too long that I have been able to just be myself and celebrate my life. What’s left is MINE and NOT “ITS”.
I will protect and defend that right, with what is left of my life.
NOBODY threatens me and then thinks I should overlook that…NO WAY.
HUGE RED FLAG. Right?
Happy weekend you guys…
Hang in there; there is sunshine after the clouds.
Dupey
You may not like the analogy i`m gonna use but it is accurate and true…when i applied this to my life it helped me in ways you wouldn`t believe, it helped me to see just how sick minded the sp really is. for one i have a nice Home and nice things so i really don`t need anything from the sp. and i thank GOD for the things he has given to me, i don`t deserve the wonderful things and life he has given to me, none of us do, but yet he gave it to me..but here is the prescription for the healing from a sp….you have to see yourself as a rat, a rat that has gotten to close to a mighty snake, a boa, a constricter snake. the rat realizes he is wrapped tight in the coils of this mighty snake and you can see the fear in his eyes b/c he knows there is no chance for escape, and he knows he has only seconds to live and he is gonna be in the belly of this thing verry shortly. well thats what a sp is, a human preditor that preys on other humans, you are their dinner,or what ever else they want to extract from you….i`m sorta strong minded and to think some snake is gonna beat me, well the snake will lose when he squares off with me, and it makes me mad all at the same time. so when and if you are able to collect your pride and see these people as the snake, which is what they are, if you have the fight in you then you can win and get well. sp are not brilliant as some say they are, mine made all kind of mistakes, mistakes that i captiolized on to expose her for the snake she is. so don`t let people tell you that you can`t beat these jerks b/c you can if you will toughen up a bitt……..I figured it out and so can you. don`t be these snakes door matt any longer…..God bless you all.
One more thing………you are wrapped tight in the coils of this snake while this snake looks on with a big smile on their face thinking it`s just a matter of time this prey will be mine…..i mean don`t that make you just a little bitt mad? it does me, and even though i`m a Christian it makes me want to kick the crack out of these snakes rear end, and i`m well capable of doing it. when you sit around pineing your heart out over these jerks just remember you are the rat and they are the snake with a big grin on their face and all you are is lunch and thats all you ever will be. it won`t ever get better, the snake will alway`s be a snake….