Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Ditto to everything that Donna said.
Wguy,
Just pick a spot and post your story….or if it is very long,, then send it in an e mail to Donna and maybe she will use it as a “letter to Love Fraud”
Welcome to LF BTW…sorry you are qualified for our group…we are not really very exclusive, but if you need to be here this is a great place! We are mainly women but we DO WELCOME GUYS…and there are several guys here –straight and gay. Again, welcome! God bless.
Lone Wolf, I suspect she’s probably driven several of her clients to suicide. Entertainment for her.
Yes, I am grateful that my son is very creeped out by her!
My brother, well she has him brain washed. He thinks she’s the best thing since sliced bread. Not sure how she did it but his personality is a complete 180 degree difference from the person he was for the first 50 years of his life.
Thank you so very much Donna! I am the one who wrote the e-mail and can’t tell you how much better your response makes me feel. I sometimes come to a place of needing reassurance and this definately did it for me. Sometimes I just think “Duh, of course he’s the same guy” and then other times the “was it me. Is there something wrong with me” creeps into my mind. I of course want everyone to know that I do not wish the results of my ex’s behavior, lies, secrets and wierdness on his new wife, her kids or anyone. Although, I did finally file for divorce when I found out he was cheating on me (again) with this woman a few years ago. I understand how pushy, manpulative and decieving he is. I will save this factual response and refer to it when those feelings creep in again.
Hi Jules,
my exspath is a very conniving pure psychopath. We weren’t married but lived together for 25 years.
He told me stories about his ex-gfs. One killed herself. He said he didn’t know why she walked out into traffic. There was also the incident where a burglar broke into her apt. while they were in bed and started slashing at them… I guess nobody was hurt and he left… 🙁
The next one, was “not very smart” he said. She was easily taken in by the neighborhood creeps. They would fight alot. In the end, she got in her car and drove as fast as she could because she was so upset. He was chasing her on his motorcycle (because he was so worried about her… 😛 ) when he lost control in the rain and ended up in the hospital.
I guess I was next. It seems like he treated me better, but then I had money. In the end, I learned that I had been poisoned almost the entire time with small amounts of strychnine. And he was plotting on killing me and making it look like it was suicide.
So, I guess what I’m saying is that appearances mean nothing. spaths don’t change. They might make small adjustments to their tactics but they don’t change their spots.
You did a great thing getting away from the parasite.
Welcome, Lone Wolf. It is great to have you here with us. We all have ‘pieces of the jigsaw’ that can help one another.
I am so glad LPMarie that you have made the choices you have made. My heart goes out to you at the loss of your beloved Hawaii – but you have done the right thing in getting your precious little girl as far away from the malignant influence of Spathetic as possible.
Onelukygirl, thanks for that reminder re. the definition of a psychopath….chilling but so important to engrave on one’s heart and mind!
Parallelogram, that was such a powerful post re Mia Farrow. Thank you.
Blessings and light to all.
Skylar, I meant to add that your Spath’s attempt at strychnine poisoning sounds like something out of the life of the Borgias! It is positively Machiavellian. I’m reminded of that ‘Dark Triad’ that Donna (or was it Dr Leedom?) wrote about. Machiavellianism; Narcissism and Sociopathy (I think I’m right?) And how important it is to run like the wind if you ever come across people who exhibit these traits…
Hi Ash,
he wasn’t going to kill me with strychnine, that would’ve been too obviously murder. He had been telling everyone I was a drug addict and stealing my lunesta a few pills at a time. So I think it was going to be a drug overdose. But, based on his story about his exgf who killed herself and had been chased by a burglar, I also suspect he had a plan b, in which I was going to be drugged up and then run out into the road while being chased by a madman, then hit by a car.
He LOVES drama and will go to great lengths to tell stories which you will doubt actually happened. Then you find out they DID actually happen. What he doesn’t tell you is that HE SET THE WHOLE THING UP AND EVERYONE IN THE STORY WAS A PAWN.
He makes each pawn believe that only he and the pawn know the real truth. He tells each pawn that it will be their little secret. By this time the pawns are so deeply involved that they are too afraid to come forward with the truth. Except the “truth” isn’t the truth. Each pawn gets a different “truth”.
He’s pure evil.
Edit:
yes, you’re right. even a small indication should tell us to run like the wind. I lacked the knowledge of what these creatures were like. Who can fake emotions like that? Who doesn’t have emotions? That was beyond my understanding. It’s not now though.
Ash Phoenix
Thank you for your kind welcome.
Love your user name – I identify. 🙂
I am sure you are right about the jigsaw pieces…I often feel my piece is too jagged and mis-shapen to fit and that the spaths “fit in” more seamlessly as a result of their use of projection and masks. I need to remind myself that I am part of lifes jigsaw and that I need to redisscover where and how I fit..me and other spathed people who may feel the same.
New Beginning
Urgh! I am glad you are glad your son is aware but I did guess what you might say about your brother. *sighs*
I identify with someone making a 180 degree change in their personality as late as their 50s as the same happened with me as it was only at that age that my older spath sister revealed her spathiness. This late blooming of horror means it was even less likely that I would be believed by others which has happened. 🙁
It’s tough. At least your brother knows you are in his corner if he one day decides to realise he IS in a corner!
xx
Hi again Lone Wolf
Just remember that your jigsaw piece, however battered you might feel, is worth ONE THOUSAND times more than the fake, papier mache pieces of the spaths. Hang on to that reality. You have been in a hall of mirrors, unable to see yourself clearly anymore because of the Spaths in your life. I’m sorry it has been and is so tough for you. Hang in there. You will find a lot of support in this community. Keep reading the resources and the blogs and you will see that although our stories are different in some variations, the essential theme is the same – the abuse of people’s very souls by inhuman abusers. They will never win, because genuine love is the strongest force in the world, even more powerful than death.
Hugs
x