Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Lone Wolf, one of the most prevalent obstacles to overcome re spathy is the need for validation. We want someone to BELIEVE what we’re telling them, and it’s almost too much for most people to comprehend unless they’ve had similar experiences.
Joyce wrote a superb article on SELF-validation, and mentions some of the ways that we can do that.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/06/15/taking-care-of-ourselves—first/
By caring for my “self = soul,” I can begin to validate my own value as a human being. Now, this is something quite new to me because I had NEVER felt valued, at any time in my life. Even when the exspath was setting up his long-con, the “value” that he expressed for me was vague and superficial, but I wasn’t self-assured enough to recognize it.
Self-esteem, self-worth, self-EVERYTHING are the cornerstones to strong personal boundaries. And, the spaths have that spath-o-meter that can zero in on any vulnerabilities with precision.
Brightest blessings
To clarify “self-everything,” I mean those POSITIVE perceptions of our own existence, not self-deprecation, etc.
New Beginnings:
No exaggeration, when I was packing and shipping I had many inspirational quotes on the fridge, with the one about the bottom dropping out being among them! Without getting into too much detail, my relocation was a challenge that I look back on and think of how amazing we really can be when we set our minds to accomplishing a goal, in my case, getting my daughter and myself into safer circumstances.
One amazing thing happened, too. One of my former clients and his wife are realtors. I had a heart to heart with her one day and she looked so concerned. She and her husband did so much to assist me in my exit strategy, including clearing out and cleaning up everything I left behind in my condo. They have been selling my stuff in garage sales for me! As awful as the Spath was, he has not destroyed my faith that there are still good people out there. As a result of my circumstances in the aftermath of Spathy, I believe in God once more, and that he/she/it put these wonderful people in my path. Stay encouraged 🙂 Hugs to you!
Ash Phoenix:
Thank you for your support and encouragement. I like the word you made up: Spathetic! I appreciate all of the kind feedback. And I’m sorry that you have found yourself among our community, but welcome and may you find comfort and healing here, as I do!
Oxy, Thanks for the information. I will send Donna an email in about a week or so. By the way, I have already learned a lot from LF and always look forward to Joyce’s articles. Hope to be able to add to the male perspective, as well as the perspective of the developmentally disabled (That last “category” applies to both myself and the spath.) Thanks again and my best to everyone.
Most of the posts today could have been written by me. I was together with my spath for 20 years. Stood by him while he was in jail for a year (stole a car and 3 DWI’s). Visited him every week and put money on his books. I too wrote a letter to the judge presiding over his case asking for a lighter sentance because my spath was just going through “male menopause”. After he got out of jail I supported him, bought him a car and a motorcycle, kept him in cigarettes and beer. Even paid for the cab to go drinking since he convinced me that was why he went to jail and the car was “no big thing”. All this time he looked for a job (because I insisted). He would get a telemarketing job here and there but for the most part it was me paying for everything. Anything he even mentioned he liked I went and bought him. I thought I was the happest person in the world. For 10 years things went on this way and then he got a “real” job as a salesman. Most of the other jobs he either quit or got fired from within 8 months, so I held my breath. This one seemed to be working out and he actually started chipping in toward rent and food (I insisted). Things started falling apart when the job went too well. He has a steady permanent income. His boses liked him and he now figured he didn’t need me any more and could make it on his own. His personality changed. He would yell at me for the strangest things (we disagreed on who sang a certain song). I was too dumb to see what was going on but, to his advantage, I needed to move out of state for a family illness.
I sold the house and planed to buy a new one in the other state, but he bought a new car and decided to stay in town for a year so he could pay off the loan.
Well here I sit in a different state, glad he is where he is and I’m here . . . BUT . . . it’s like I’m addicted to him. Since we cut off contact with each other (my choice – the lies were getting to much to bear) I go from hating him to missing him. And when I’m missing him I mean I AM REALLY MISSING HIM to the point of tears and becoming hysterical. The whole thing is the mind and emotion thing. I need to get an emotion transplant!
Was reading in the blogs about “the betrayal bond” and went to Amazon to buy the book but saw one I thought might work for me better. It’s about how to fall OUT OF LOVE. Can’t remember the exact name, but ordered it and after I read it I’ll let you know if it was of any help.
There is a lot more to my story but somebody somewhere has told it in their blog. They are not alone and now that I have found LF I don’t feel so along either.
Stormy, you are not alone, that is for sure……not sure just how many people read here butj it is a bunch!
Keep on reading, the missing him will not last forever, but you will have bouts of it so that is normal. The hating him also..
I hope you do not have children with this man, and that will help some if you never again have to see or talk to him.l No contact is the best way to help you “fall out of love” and it will take some time.
Knowledge is power. So read and learn and blog here and your power will come back! you will be free of him emotionally as well.
I also strongly suggest that you read Donna’s book RED FLAGS OF LOVE FRAUD it is an excellent book and the work book comes with it if you buy it from LF store. Hang in there!
Stormy,
I’m sorry for your pain and loss, but I am glad you have found your way to LF. I agree with what you said, that someone somewhere here has told the story on this blog already. But when you are ready, and as little or as much as you want to reveal, people here really do care about Stormy’s version of the story, too 🙂
It might be healing for you to get it out in bits in pieces or the whole thing, whatever. The point is that if it is healing to you, that’s what matters. Besides, it also helps validate other people to see that they are not alone, that while what has happened to us through our encounters with these Spathy types is tragic, we are connected by our common bond and can come here to help lick one another’s wounds. (BTW, I’m pretty sure that is a screen name for one of the members :))
I’ve never posted my entire story in its entirety here. It’s overwhelming to me, and I’m not 100% clear on all of it, to be quite frank! There is a lot of “blur” in the years I spent with my Spathy ex. For me personally, I find it incredibly validating to come here and write about things as they come up and receive feedback from others who have also experienced some of the same exact events! For example, you saying that you wrote to the judge trying to assist your spathy ex helps me to know that I wasn’t a special sort of stupid in trying to help my spathy ex. It’s just something we both did trying to help someone we cared for, not realizing WHAT they were at the time.
Anyway, I’m glad you are here and I wish you the best in your healing and recovering from the trauma these types of relationships inflict on us.
Ash and Truthspeak
Thank you both so much. You are very kind. This means a lot especially in my current fragile state.
Sometimes it is hard to believe that there is anyone else – apart from my partner – who isn’t either out to get me or indifferent to my plight.
This site is a super place and I like how people are at all different stages at spath dealing and can provide support and receive it where they are right now. xx
Love and light.
xx
Stormy, I remember seeing your posts, previously. I’m so sorry that you have had these experiences. As other readers have said, you really aren’t alone – it may FEELb as if you are, but you are in very good company on this amazing site.
His personality didn’t change – he simply didn’t see the need for playing the game, anymore. You are NOT “dumb,” Stormy, and you never were. You were committed to helping an illusion that you loved.
Going back and forth between hate, anger, and missing the spath is NORMAL, Stormy. Your mind is trying to process all that he did and reconcile those events with the illusion that he created.
Try being a bit kinder to yourself. It may be an option to look into counseling with a therapist that “gets it.” Where this spath is concerned, I feel the trauma bond is what held you to him for so long. It’s a recognized condition that really reinforces that belief that this person just needs “a better chance” to turn their lives around.
Just keep reminding yourself that what you’re “missing” is 100% false and not what he truly is.
You’ll be okay, Sroemy. Right now, you’re grieving and what you~e experiencing is normal.
Brightest blessings
concerning, the “next wife”. My shrink told me that when the s/p gets old…he will not have the mental agility to pull off the really bad things he did when he/she was younger. at some point, he will “have to” stick with who he is with.
any thoughts from anyone?
And…what if the new wife is just as much a s/p as he is?
I do know i wouldnt want to be any where near a relationship like that. However, I do hate that she is probably going to be getting all i worked so hard for that he has taken from me!…thats tough to swallow…even if she will get her’s in the end.