Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
I have observed that these type of people do tend to settle down a bit when they get older. Not always, but I have seen it. I agree with the shrink; they sometimes stick with whoever they find once they are older; whether they are happy or not. It’s someone to take care of them and be with when everyone else has kicked them to the curb because of all their nasty deeds.
I actually think they love women who are just as spathy as they are. They say they don’t, but I think they do. That is more exciting to them and we all know how bored they get; they need that stimulation. Even though they need someone compliant to take all their crap, I think that becomes boring to them.
Louise,
thank you for your input. Makes sense to me, however, I can’t help but wish they would both experience the complete devastation that my estranged bestowed upon me. I am working on healing. It seems my lows are more low than my highs or good times. I hope that when my 4 year old divorce battle ends that i can move on. I need to forgive myself for allowing the fake love i had and life i lived. It is still hard to get a handle on it all.
thank you again!
Louise, I loved what you said about spaths “loving” partners who are as spathy as them. Of course they want them to be compliant also and that’s where they have difficulty ‘marrying’ the two personality types. I think you’re spot on. My ex wanted a dominatrix in the bedroom….so he said! (Funny but the few times I initiated sex he said it was bad timing).But he also required a shy, quiet biddable woman that never stood up to him and did everything for him.
He loved to tell me of past lovers who “bent over backwards” for him. We never argued he would boast. Ye because she just allowed him to do whatever he wanted, say what he liked and what happened to her? In his words…..I got sick of looking at it.
You got it louise …..he was bored.
Thank you for writing that post. Perfect timing for me just at the moment.
New beginning,
So glad to see you….er read you, lol. I’ve missed your input.
Dearest Dupey, where are you? Hope you’re ok my friend
Strongawoman, hello! Thank you so much for your kind words! How are you?
Lone Wolf – boy do I ever understand the feeling of people either out to get me or indifferent to my plight. The spaths run in packs and the non-spaths don’t want to believe this type of thing happens outside the movies. It’s quite a bitter pill to swallow. I try to focus on the fact that the best revenge is a life well lived. It’s not easy, but the best path never seems to be the easiest one.
Be well.
~New
New,
I’m well thank you. Still trying to work my way through the spathy mire but I do believe I’m getting there. I’ve been a “member” here for about 8months now and unfortunately, part way through NC, fell off the wagon for a while…..only to inevitably find myself back at square one again. Sigh.
We live and learn, so the saying goes. Seems to be taking me sometime to get the message.
I wanted to believe his bs. That he was sorry……etc,etc. Only to find it was just another round of the same old same old.
Lesson learned. When some of the veterans here say NC is the only way, they’re not wrong. Indeed.
Really good to hear from you and hoping you’re doing well. Always got a lot from your words of wisdom.
Regards,
SW
Strongwoman said they want someone who is a spathy as they are yet want some a compliant too, and that is where they have a problem marrying the two personalities. LIGHT BULB MOMENT here.
That is exactly the thought I have been trying to put into words for YEARS. That’s it, that is exactly how I have felt for years and years. That also explians the crazy making. If the can indeed drive us insane then we are spathy like them yet compliant. My nh has relatives where the husband after 35 years of marriage did EXACTLY that. The poor women has always been way to passive(compliant) as far as I am concerned, yet I guess that wasn’t good enough, he HAD to see her insane. Poor woman, but she has a pill now so she can endure more from her s.
strongawoman:
You are very welcome. I’m glad my words helped you.
katstalker:
You are welcome.
Dear LPMarie,
I’ve just been reading your post about how homesick you are. I remember how desperate you were to get away. I wanted to tell you that I admire your courage for getting away and giving up your beloved homeland to protect you and your little one. That takes guts. Good for you my lovely. Better to be safe than sorry.
Really hope that things improve for you. Keep your chin up girl